Do you believe in the concept of "the one"? You know, the one person you are designed to be with, your true love, your so-called destiny? I do. I took one look into her piercing blue eyes and I knew; she was the one. We made an amazing couple, she brought out the good in me and I like to think I helped her walk a little bolder. We were happy, and finally together; not just the sneaking around making out in dark closest together but the hand holding, stealing kisses out and proud together. We were in love and then it happened, he happened. Adien, my ex-boyfriend, my so-called friend: if I just didn't hesitate but I did and I lost her. The person in my life that meant more to me then anyone, the love of my life, my soul mate because I didn't want to give anything up. I wanted my cake and to eat it too. She was willing to give up everything for me, her relationship with her family, her reputation, everything she had just to make me happy and I couldn't answer one simple question without hesitating. And even now I don't know why. I ask myself everyday why I didn't just answer her. Why did I just stand there? She was my everything and I let her believe she was nothing special. That he could have just as much value in my life as her. He can't and yet I let him suck me in. I lost her and ended up with him. A guy. I'm a lesbian and yet here I am with a guy not the girl of my dreams the love of my life I somehow ended up with him and all I want is her. The funny thing is if I could go back and change it I don't know if I would. My shrink said this is supposed to help. The writing stuff down getting the thoughts out of my head and on paper but I don't think it does a bottle of Vodka, a hot chick and some coke would work so much better but I swore I wouldn't walk that path again.
I tried talking to her again today. And my heart breaks all over again every time she walks away.
Flashback:
The school bell rings. Spencer is walking to class and Ashley is waiting for her by the lockers.
" Spencer, hey wait up."
"Ashley, what do you want?"
"To talk to you, to be near you to be able to hold your hand again."
"Ash, you had that, you had all of me and you broke my heart you ran away like you always do, so just let it go. I have to get to class."
Spencer walks off leaving Ashley standing alone. Ashley slides down the lockers hugging her knees, crying.
"I love you Spencer, why can't you see that."
End Flashback
I don't know if I should just give up. Throw in the towel and realize someone like me is not supposed to be able to be happy. That after everything I have done in my life this is fates way of saying I should settle for what I have. Ha, I don't even know what it is I have. My heart belongs to Spencer; it hurts to just say her name knowing she's not mine anymore. Adien, well I guess we're kind of friends with benefits, but he has his own issues to work out, my sister and Madison. And then there's the whole I like girls not guys thing, yet with Adien its different because in the past he did have my heart and he was at one point my everything, even if he is equipped with the wrong parts. I wish things could be simple again but no, not here, here there always has to be the drama. Maybe I should just move away, head to Fresno or some other god-forsaken town, away from here, away from her.