Prelude - how can you sleep when the rest of us cries?


How can you sleep when the rest of us cries?

That was a question I often got questioned, thou i never did answer it. But I'll give you the answer right now.

It is kind of simple, i guess. I've had it worse than you. I've been everywhere, seen things you could never imagine. Things you couldn't dream of. Things that shouldn't happen. Things that could be prevented. I could have prevented it. But I didn't.

The easy thing to say is that i was to scared to prevent it. I was always scared, for everything. I never showed it and everybody in my presens thought that it was okey, that I was okey. But I wasn't that either. I was never okey. Things were never okey. They never will be.

My mother. That is how it all started.

She was a classic beauty. Her long brown hair and piercing blue eyes made everyone jealous, but not me. Well, that's easy to explain. We look about the same, exept for the eyes, I had my fathers eyes.

I loved her, very much, but at the same time I couldn't stand it. All the attention. You see, when your mother is the most beautiful women in town, and may I add; single, you don't get left alone. At all. It always felt as if someone was looking. Even when I was alone in my room. And I was right; I was always being watched.

She was an artist, and as you may know, artists are difficult people. Artist see ordinary people like they are less worthy just because they don't see things as creative as they do, or so i've experienced. Since she was and artist, I became one. I had it in my nature. I have always painted, read and my guitar take me places where i've never been before, to my own world. True happiness, to me, was always found in the pages of a book or in the strings of my guitar, even in my pencils. Painting, reading and music is my life, my get away.

Her name was Renee. Renee Swan to be precise. When she was younger she had got knocked up by the one and only; Charlie Swan. They tought they were in love and got married and all that crazy shit. Well, do I have to say that they weren't inlove and that they split up about two weeks after she gave birth to me? No, exactly. That is what teenage parents do. They don't spend forever toghether like in fairytales, beacuse there isn't such things as fairytales. There isn't anything that's called an happy ending. I learned that the hard way.

When my father left us Renee didn't exactly know what to do. And that's proberbly why i turned out how i did, a stupid teenager with a crazy, beautiful mother. Yeah, that's us. In a nutshell.

When I was little she was always there for me, even if she had bigger problems herself, like where we would sleep for the night and how we were going to get food. But as i said, she was one of the good guys, to begin with. She loved me for who i was.

It wasn't until years later, when i turned 16, when I began to see a change in her. She wasn't the beautiful, nice women that i had always looked up to. I understood that she wasn't the good guy, she never was, and never would be. I grew up and realized that happiness was a lie. I just wish i could rewind and face the real world. The way it should be seen.

Everytime before I went to sleep she used to tell me that i couldn't trust anyone but her, that the other people around us, even the ones that helped us, were out to get us. That they were the enemies. But she was wrong. We were the different ones, not like other girls. We were the enemy, not them. We were the bad guys, and it wasn't until it was to late that i realised that we always were.

I didn't have the luxury of thinking, nobody does - some people make all the decisions for us. In my case it was my mother.

She was beautiful. She was proud. She was dangerous.

And now when i look back at the time I spent with her, can't help to miss it. I knew that there would be times when all the things she said would fill my head. I just didn't know how prominent the damage would be. But i''ll survive. I always do.

I wish i could tell you not to be scared, that this is a happy life, a happy story were you can laugh and smile when you have finished reading about it, but I cannot. This story will continue, even after it's end. Because that is how life is. It never ends, no matter how hard it is.

This is not a good way of living, with secrets and scars etching trough your bones and searching for a way to destroy you, peace by peace. It is to much for one person, and i know that it is eating me alive, every day. It consumes me, stripping me of my muscles and my skin until there is nothing left.

I wish you not to be scared, but
This is my story. My life.

hi,
A new story is up, this time in english, and I hope many more will read and like it.

Pictures will be posted on my profile soon.

I'll try to update as soon as possible, but it will go faster if you post a nice review.