Damon was angry. You could tell because his nostrils were flared and his dark eyebrows were almost meeting in the middle like an angry V. Like the shape of a faraway and foreboding bird.
"Dammit Stefan!," Damon growled. He threw a glass of bourbon into the fishbowl that sat next to the couch. Stefan had gotten the fish, Tony, after watching Finding Nemo. It was just one more thing that annoyed Damon. He'd been emptying glasses of alcohol into the bowl ever since it had arrived, hoping that Stefan would grow tired of the scaly lush.
But Tony wasn't the reason Damon was angry now. He was jealous. Stefan had just landed a national tooth whitening campaign and had been strutting around the mansion smiling like he had no lips.
Damon stared into the wonky reflection of the fish bowl. It looked like Tony was nibbling on his eyeball.
"Why am I not as pretty as Stefan?" Tony pooped a little in his bowl.
"Oh my God! Gross Tony!" Damon tapped on the bowl to try to get him to stop.
"I know!" He said, suddenly inspired. "I'll get a makeover!"
He ran upstairs at vampire speed. He was gone only a second before he was back in the living room with his arms full of supplies.
"Shhhh! Don't tell Stefan!" He coyly signaled to Tony as he placed a large box of hair products on the table.
"If I only use a little he won't notice," Damon said, squeezing a glob of hair jell straight onto his head.
"See Tony, if you had hair you would know that to cut it, you need to first make it into something cuttable. Like paper. I just add a liiiiittle of this, flatten little pieces into blades…" He patted a clump of hair together between his palms. "Then you can cut it just like you would any kind of paper craft."
Little hard chunks of hair fell onto the carpet. It didn't take long before Damon had created a shape he was happy with.
"Now just add water." He dipped his hand into Tony's bowl and smoothed the water onto his head. The jell liquefied and made his hair gleam. The haircut was immaculate.
"Now! Manicure!" Damon looked at his hands, the nails bitten into pulpy finger ends. He began filing them smooth, using Stefan's monogrammed manicure set. He hummed a little tune to himself, even asking Tony to jump in.
He was having fun for the first time in weeks.
Then he heard the door close.
"Damon. Damon, why do I smell Sally Hansen? Are you using my manicure set?" Damon could hear Stefan's boots in the hallway. He speedily put everything into the box and hid it under a chair.
Stefan stood in the doorway.
He sniffed the air.
"And why do I smell fish poop?" He turned and started to walk up the stairs. "WAhohohAHAHOHO." It was when he laughed that Damon remembered that Stefan was a century and a half evil old man.
And then he started to cry. Because he had fish poop in his hair.