All The Kings Horses
Summary: ...and all the King's men couldn't put Carter together again. After returning to the SGC, Jack must come to terms with what it had cost Carter to bring him home. (Post 100 Days) S/J
Disclaimer: I don't own Stargate SG-1 nor do I wish to make a profit from this story.
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Jack really wasn't in the mood for a party. As much as he was pleased to be home, he couldn't help but wish he was back on Edora with Laira. He liked the simple life, he had decided, and had been very content with his life with the beautiful woman.
He should never have given up.
Of course they would have found him. They were SG-1. Jack knew now, in retrospect, that they would have literally searched to the ends of the galaxy to bring him home. He had misjudged them.
He should never have given up hope. He would never have settled in, never would have found solace with Laira and certainly would never have counted himself as one of the Edoran people. Which was the shame of it, really. He liked being a simple man, He liked that the only important things in his life were how many fish he was going to catch, or whether or not the storms were coming. He liked coming home to a beautiful woman who cared about him and cared what happened to him. He never had to think about the Stargate, or the Goa'uld or about getting his friends killed because of some lousy decision.
He wished he could have lived those three months without thinking about them. It would have made it so much easier to refuse to come home if he had. But he had thought about them. He had thought about them almost every day. He had wondered how Daniel was holding up without him, wondered if they missed him at all. He wondered if they had found a new leader or if Carter had been promoted and taken charge. Had they resumed their duties and were out there right now, fighting against the Goa'uld? Were they risking their lives and getting hurt while he spent his days fishing? He hoped to god that they hadn't been captured, that they hadn't been compromised because he wasn't there. In spite of him not being there. He had just hoped they were alright.
In the end, that was the reason he had decided to return. Whether or not they needed him, he needed to be with them. He needed to know that they were okay. He needed them to fight together. His team was his family, and as much as he would have liked to continue living his simple life, he knew that he could not live without fighting the good fight. To think that his friends could be dying while he lived in his own bubble made him sick to the stomach. The Goa'uld had to be stopped. And he'd be damned if he was going to sit back and wait for them to take his home and kill his friends.
But now that he was back he felt like he had left a whole other home, entirely. The Edoran people had been so welcoming, so nurturing that he couldn't help settling in for the long haul. Laira had been so inviting, so understanding. Jack hadn't been that close to a woman since Sara had left him and he welcomed the change. It was so liberating to be able to care for a woman again without having to pretend he felt nothing. Edora had made him feel again.
Which, really, was the reason he wasn't in the mood for a party.
He smiled weakly as Daniel passed him a cup of punch, wishing it were beer instead. Or maybe that crazy moonshine stuff they had back on Edora. He lifted his cup as Daniel toasted to something, not really listening to a word the younger man was saying, He was sure they were toasting to his safe return, so he took a swig and smiled at them all.
Teal'c took that opportunity to seek him out. The Jaffa hadn't really spoken to him properly since he had returned. No surprise there.
"O'Neill," Teal'c said with a bow of his head.
"Teal'c," Jack replied with a wave of his cup. "What's up?"
"Is that beverage mixture not to your liking, O'Neill?" Teal'c asked. Jack had hardly sipped his punch.
"Ah, yeah. Too much…orange…" he said with a helf-hearted smirk.
"It is understandable that your feelings concerning your return are not strictly of joy, O'Neill," Teal'c said, plainly. Trust good old Teal'c not to beat around the bush. "You have spent several months with the Edorans. It is natural for you to grieve."
"Yeah," was all Jack managed to say.
"Jack, Teal'c, there you are," said Daniel, grinning his way through the crowd of SFs to meet his two friends. "I've been looking for you. What's wrong with the punch?" he added nonchalantly, noticing the full cup in Jack's hand.
"Too much orange," he murmured as Teal'c bowed his head in greeting. "Where's Carter?" he asked.
Jack noticed Daniel shoot Teal'c a small look before answering. "Ah, she's in her lab, running some post-mission simulations," he said.
"Oh," said Jack, with a twinge of disappointment. "Well, when have we ever known Carter to work through a shindig?" he asked, sarcastically. "Or a day's worth of meals," he added.
Daniel barely even smiled
"What?" Jack asked.
Daniel shrugged. "Nothing," he said. "So…"
"Whatcha been doin' these last few months?" Jack asked, knowing that Daniel was reaching.
"Nothing," Daniel frowned back.
"What?" asked Jack. "Come on, Daniel. What exciting archaeological crap have you found on the multitudes of "PX Whatevers since I've been gone?"
"None."
"What?"
"SG-1 has not been operational for over one hundred days," Teal'c explained.
"Why?" asked Jack. "Carter could have taken over."
"She was asked to, temporarily," said Daniel.
"And?"
"She…wouldn't give up on the rescue mission," Daniel said.
"It was three months!"
"Yeah, but she said she wouldn't stop until we brought you home. And she didn't," he finished lamely.
"She still hasn't," added Jack, distractedly. "Why is she really in her lab?"
Daniel gave Teal'c another look. "I think she's getting everything ready for when we go back on permanent duty."
"Can't she do that some other time?" Jack asked.
"It is Sam," Daniel returned. Jack shrugged in agreement. He couldn't shrug off the distinct feeling that Daniel was keeping something from him, though. The way the other man looked at him was a little disconcerting to say the least.
"What?" He barked, when Daniel and Teal'c shared another all-knowing look. Had he been gone that long that he wasn't worthy of their confidences anymore?
"Nothing," said Daniel, but it was clear to Jack that something was in fact wrong. "Come on," he said, shaking off the tension. "Finish your punch. Have something to eat," Daniel suggested, excitedly. Clearly he wasn't upset enough not to be excited that Jack was home. The thought comforted him. Not enough to join in the festivities however.
"I'm gonna visit Carter," he said. Daniel gave him a strange look again.
"Really?" he asked. "Maybe you should wait until she's finished her simulations. You know how she gets," he added lamely. Jack narrowed his eyes.
"No, I'll go see her now," he said, as more of an excuse to get away from the celebrations than anything else. Although, he was beginning to get a little concerned about Carter.
"Ok," said Daniel, but it seemed clear to Jack that the archaeologist thought it was a very bad idea.
He stood outside her door for a few moments before he went inside. She looked terrible. She spent half her time rushing around the lab, fixing tings and the other half slumped in her chair. She seemed to switch from one to the other like a metronome. Something was wrong.
"Hey Carter," he said, with a quiet knock on her door. She almost jumped right out of her chair and went back to fixing one of the devices on her desk.
"Sir, I'm a little busy right now," she said, barely looking at him. He caught a glimpse of her face. Huge black bags hung under her wet eyes and her nose was red and raw, either from a bad cold or from crying. Jack hoped it was the former. "Can this wait?" she asked.
"No," Jack decided as he entered the room. He leaned on her desk and watched her as she avoided his gaze. He started to ask her what was wrong, but remembering the look on Daniel's face when he spoke about her, decided against it. Consequently, an awkward silence filled the lab.
"Not enjoying the celebrations, sir?" she asked, filling the silence with a small voice that had Jack even more worried.
"Too many people, too much excitement, the usual," he said. "You know me, I like the quiet life," he said. She seemed to react badly when he said it. He furrowed his eyebrows. "Besides," he said. "The punch is terrible." She didn't crack a smile. "Punch?" he offered, extending his cup of punch to her.
"No thank you," she said politely, her eyes fixed on the doohickey she was fixing.
"I hear you've been busy," he said. She looked at him briefly before turning away once more.
"Daniel told me you were in charge of the rescue," he said. She nodded.
"Thank you," he said. "I don't think I said thank you."
"You didn't," she answered.
"Well, thank you," he said again, wondering why his words felt so childish, so fake.
"Not that it was worth much," Sam scoffed so quietly that he could barely hear her. Jack looked at her in surprise. "Sorry sir," she said quickly. "I don't know why I said that."
"You're not happy that I'm home?" he asked uncertainly, and slightly hurt.
"You're not happy to be home," she said simply, looking at him fully in the face this time.
"Oh," he answered, unable to say anything else. He couldn't take his eyes off her. She looked so broken, so tired.
"Why did you come back?" she asked.
"We'll, I couldn't really stay there after you'd gone to all the trouble of rescuing me, could I?' he asked, wondering why his voice had come out so harsh; why his answer had been so cruel. "We've got work to do," he corrected, noticing how she had begun to hunch away from him. "I couldn't let you fight on your own. You need me," he said. Sam looked as though she was going to cry at his last words. He was more than confused. "I need this. I need to fight. I was going crazy over there, not knowing what had happened to you all. Whether you were still fighting, whether you were dead…" he broke off.
"But you were happy there," Sam whispered.
"No," he answered, resisting the urge to hold her and shake her. "I was comfortable. I was in denial," he said, trying to make her understand. "I gave up," he finished.
"You should have known we'd find you," said, more strongly than before. "You should have known we'd come back."
"I should have known you'd find me," he corrected. "You came back," he said. Surprisingly, she didn't deny it as she normally would have. She didn't list the hundreds of people who had made a contribution to the rescue and made him point out that their involvement was as important as hers. Instead she said nothing. Was she ashamed of her involvement in his rescue?
"Do you regret finding me?" he asked, confused.
"No sir," she said strongly. His words had obviously stung her. What had he done evoke this reaction from her? When they had left for the mission to Edora they had been on good terms. Astoundingly good terms, actually. They had become so close that a small part of his brain had started to get worried over the appropriateness of their attachment.
It hit him like a ton of bricks.
She had felt the attachment too. And when he was trapped on Edora she did everything she could to bring him home. Why? Because she cared about him as much as he had been trying to deny he cared for her in return? Was he finally beginning to understand this?
When they found him on Edora he had wanted to stay. With Laira. She had just stood by, watching as he tried to bring Laira home with him, tried to rationalize staying on Edora. He had rejected Carter without even realizing she had been offering anything at all. In reality, she hadn't. But he had still rejected her, whether either of them had consciously thought so or not.
Which meant they had a problem.
What on Earth was he going to do about this? If he was wrong, which he only half-hoped he was, bringing this up could cause anything from a reassignment to a court martial. If he was right, those things could very well be on the table anyway.
"Sam," he said softly, not knowing how to reach out to her. She barely reacted. "I missed you," he offered, and was startled by the fierce look in her eyes.
"Don't patronize me, sir," she answered.
"I wasn't," he said. "I was…" he couldn't think of the right words to say. "I was wrong," he said. "Wrong to have given up. I'm sorry," he said.
"You didn't do anything wrong," Sam replied. "You did what you had to do to survive. I'm the one who should be sorry. I should have found you earlier, I should have stayed, I should have…"
"Stop!" Jack barked. "Just stop," he said. "You did all you could. You found me, and that's all that matters. You're right, I was glad to have some peace, to not have to worry about Goa'uld or paperwork. I wanted to stay, but not because I didn't want to come home," he said. He wasn't making any sense. How could he make her understand? "I belong here," he continued. "With you and Daniel and Teal'c. Edora and Laira…it was…nice. But if I knew I'd come home, I'd never have…"
"I know," Sam said. "I know that, sir. You don't have to justify anything. You don't owe me an explanation."
"But I want you to know," he said, and looked at her directly in the eye, willing her to understand what he knew he couldn't say to her.
"I missed you," she whispered, showing no emotion in the sentence, wondering if Jack understood just what she meant.
"I know," he replied, knowing what the admission had cost her. "I am happy to be home," he said. She nodded.
"You're missing the party," she said.
"So are you."
She cracked a smile this time.
"You want some help?" Jack asked, gesturing to the devices around the room.
"I think it's probably better if I fix these myself," Sam said, subtly reminding Jack that he would probably break every piece in her lab.
"I know," he replied with a shrug. "You want some help?" he repeated and she nodded with a slight laugh that almost reached her eyes. He stayed with her for the rest of the afternoon, wondering whether this rift would ever be completely repaired. The first step had been taken. The rest was up to them.
fin