All That Glitters Isn't Gold
Disclaimer: Dialogue doesn't belong to me; everything else does. Hope you enjoy! XOXO
If only he'd said "I love you," maybe she would have stayed. Nate x Serena. Season 3 Episodes 10-11.
It all began with a kiss. It generally does, with Serena. Nate remembers all the kisses he's stolen, she's given; he remembers the awkward, the beautiful, the tragic and everything in between. But she was his first, and for all his flaws and shortcomings, he can't (won't) forget that.
It's so close to being a kiss. When Nate tells Dan that Serena hasn't been speaking to him, that he's lost a girl friend, he means so much more. He means that the girl who's always been by his side, bright and happy and alive, is gone, and in her absence, he doesn't quite know what to do.
He realizes this after his fifteenth drink and they're sitting at the bar; he's looking into her glittering eyes and can't seem to look away. He doesn't want to. Suddenly, he finds the words he's kept in for three years spilling out, the secrets he doesn't even let himself think about.
"Serena," he says, and her name is like music on his lips. Maybe he's just more drunk than he should be, but he's finding himself waxing poetic. "Serena, you know it took me a long time to get over what happened that night." He pauses, finding a sudden rush of bravery he's never felt before. Damn, if only this happened every time he was drunk.
"I… I actually, uh… Two years ago at the masquerade ball, I tried to tell you I loved you." He can't meet her eyes for the last part. Really, he's not sure if he's ever told anyone he loved them, and meant it.
He looks in her eyes now. They're wide and blue and completely unreadable. There's an ocean of feeling, but he's not quite sure if any of them are what he's looking for.
"Nate… you loved me?" she asks.
I still do, he thinks, but he knows he can't say it. Damn those blue eyes. He wishes he could just take it all back. This is hard. Feelings are hard. He closes his eyes momentarily, trying to put into words his imagination: Them going back to being just Nate and Serena, when everything was light-hearted and fun. When it was simple.
Instead: "Of course I did. Serena, you're the most beautiful, amazing, alive person I've ever known."
He stops and hopes (wishes, prays even) that this is the right thing to say. He's never been really an eloquent person (that was all Chuck), but it's heartfelt.
"Nate," she says. She doesn't need to say more. He's felt this before, the breath before the kiss; he can see the colors shift in her eyes, practically feel the thumpthump of her heart. He leans in, inhales her vanilla-sandalwood scent that is so completely Serena, and loses himself before his lips even meet hers.
Not that they get the chance to, because Tripp walks in.
It would have been a kiss, if all went according to plan.
Chuck says, "Tell her how you feel," and Nate, like the obliging boy he is, runs after Serena.
It seems like he's always running after Serena.
He sees her walk by, her golden head catching the glint off the streetlights, and calls her name. She turns, a question in her eyes.
"Don't go. Don't go."
"I…" He doesn't have liquid courage in him anymore; now the courage must come from himself. Too bad he never had much to begin with.
"I know what I did was wrong. And I'm sorry. I did it because…" I did it because I love you gets stuck in his throat.
Serena looks at him impatiently, searchingly. Because I love you hangs in the air, but she wants him to say it. Needs him to say it.
"Ever since last week, ever since three years ago when you left…" I've loved you.
But he can't say it. He's never been able to say it to her face, not in the present tense.
"Please don't get in the car. Stay. Stay here with me. Just give me a chance."
She looks at him, looks at his familiar green eyes, and thinks that maybe she's loved him all along. Nate looks back and thinks that maybe he has a chance.
But she's flighty, capricious; she lives and loves by the moment. Making decisions was never her strong suit, and Nate wasn't able to say what she needed to hear most.
"Serena?" Tripp says softly from the car, and Nate knows his chances are gone. Serena's eyes lose the misty daydream look, the one he had too, where they could see their lives intertwining for the foreseeable future. Tripp's voice grounds her, reminds her that he's told her time and time again that he wants her, needs her, maybe even loves her — hell, he left his wife for her.
Bright, glittering, gorgeous — Serena van der Woodsen has never been known to stay, and she doesn't stay now.
Nate watches her get in the black car, and as it pulls away, knows that if he'd just been able to say "I love you," she would have been his.
Regret has never tasted so bitter.
Well, looks like Golden Boy and Golden Girl won't be the Upper East Side's golden couple anytime soon. N's left on the curb, wishing he'd said the three words he's never been brave enough to say, while S is whisked off by her Prince Charming. But who knows how long that'll last? Looks like everyone's going to be needing a drink after this one.
XOXO, Gossip Girl