I do not own God of War or any characters from the game. They belong to Sony Computer Entertainment.
Once upon a time there was a Spartan called Kratos. He was a very cute and adorable Spartan. He loved eating a lot of sushi and sashimi. To him it was very delicious, and one of the most delicious food in the world. He could not go a single day without consuming the yummy and tasty treat of raw fish sliced and diced to perfection. No one else could comprehend his strange habit of eating so much food in a day. In fact, most of his friends regarded him as a stupid weirdo who needed to be sent to the mental hospital for medical treatment. He was, in fact, diagnosed with a rare form of schizophrenia known as Kratotitis malanitis, which is very common among warriors that live near ice things such as Mount Olympus. There was a rumor going around that the disease was extremely contagious, and it would spread to all the other Spartans in the city. So they locked him up in a room with no doors and threw away the key. He was very sad until a magical fairy opened the door with her magic wand and the little Spartan soared out, accidentally trampling the poor magical creature in his way. Meanwhile, Kratos ran into the meadows where he decided to pick all the daisies he could find. In five hours all the daisies were picked and the cute little Spartan was happy. But just then the daisy-loving society of wacky people came to look at the flowers, and when they saw our hero had picked and effectively killed all of daisies they screamed bloody murder and ran to kill Kratos. Luckily the cute adorable Spartan successfully employed his kungfu moves he learned when he was travelling to Turkey and he learned the art of drunken taichi. In effect all the daisy loving freaks were killed by a karate chop to the nose and the Spartan managed to escape unscathed. The magical fairy's husband, who was very sad that Kratos had killed his beautiful wife while she was setting him free, chose at that very moment to exact mortal revenge upon the Spartan by casting a banishing spell on our little hero. The spell would open up a miniature blackhole within the body of Kratos, causing his matter to be sucked into an alternative dimension where he would never ever be seen again. Due to the internal nature of the spell, it was virtually inescapable. Fortunately for Kratos the fairy was hit by a low flying baseball that was hit by Babe Ruth from the 1960's, thanks to another naturally occurring dimensional rift that opened adjacent to the unlucky fairy. Kratos then ran to the supermarket where he bought a thousand dollars worth of chicken soup. But the strange thing was that our hero did not have any money on him when he made that purchase as all his money was taken away when his evil friends locked him up previously if you had forgotten that had happened just a while back. The store clerk was later fired for accepting used toilet paper in exchange for actual currency. Kratos used the chicken soup to feed all the homeless people in the village nearby, who then thanked him by giving him a key to then city, which was made of solid gold and silver. Kratos, the cute adorable philanthropic Spartan, then took the key and sold in to the pawn shop where he made a million dollars thanks to the current market rates for gold and silver amalgams. He used the cash to purchase the home which was previously resided by reknowned American poet, Emily Dickinson. He stayed in the home for approximately seven weeks before deciding that he would prefer to own a bGod of Waring ball made of beef dipped in raccoon saliva, which caused the neighbours to throw him out of the neighborhood and burn the offending meatball. Homeless, and penniless, the Spartan that used to be a millionaire now went to the city where he found a job working at the Wal-Mart that was built almost a hundred years ago. He was mainly responsible for rearranging the furniture whenever a customer messed them up. Unfortunately the job for so boring until he accidentally set the frozen peas on fire, which caused a gas explosion in the Sahara desert that, in a bizarre chain reaction, caused the moon to fall down onto Kratos's car, which he bought after he made a million dollars juggling the combusted frozen peas in the nearby circus. Moneyless, carless and foodless, Kratos ate an apple that he bought with the money he got from stealing the tires from people that didn't like tires. He then moved to Hawaii where he picked coconuts and ate pies during the day and became the amazing Kratosini, the smart and clever superhero at night. At this time though his insurance company claimed his premium had recently expired and that he could not afford the strawberry iceberg that was floating in the Pacific Ocean and sank to the bottom like a piece of concrete tied to a giant boulder tied to the most unfloatable piece of metal ever created. Then Ares came along and the story became a little more complicated.
To be continued…