Disclaimer: I do not own House, M.D. or any of the characters/scenery/props/plotlines associated with said show. They belong to people who are far more brilliant (and richer) than I am. However, the piece that you are about to read is, in its entirety, mine.

The easiest way to attract a crowd is to let it be known that at a given time and a given place some one is going to attempt something that in the event of failure will mean sudden death.
- Harry Houdini

The Diagnostics Lounge at Princeton-Plainsboro Teaching Hospital was unusually quiet. The chair of the department, Dr. Gregory House, misanthropic cripple extraordinaire, was nowhere to be seen. However, his fellows, Drs. Robert Chase, Alison Cameron, and Eric Foreman, were gathered around the lounge's largest table with a large stack of patient files set before them.

"How about this one," Chase said, reading from the folder in his hand, "Woman in her early thirties is being treated for breast cancer when she develops a severe gastro-intestinal problem. Vomiting, bleeding –you name it, she's got it."

"Sounds like an ulcer and a bad reaction to chemo," Foreman said, "House will never go for it." Sighing, Chase added his file to the growing pile of rejects.

"Young girl develops severe rash on her torso," Cameron read, "Rash is accompanied by dizziness and frequent blackouts."

"How old is the girl?" Chase asked, "It could be a case of chickenpox or mumps gone wrong." Cameron flipped back through the pages of the file. She skimmed over a paragraph then sighed.

"Patient is six years old. No record of a MMR vaccine." She paused to take off her glasses and toss them on top of the now-rejected file. "It's no use. There's nothing here that's going to satisfy House."

"No kidding," Foreman said, "Unless a patient with a bizarre, debilitating disease turns up with a complete medical history in the next ten minutes we won't have a case ready in time for when House gets back from his meeting with Cuddy."

"You'd think that a sick person would be easier to come by what with us being in a hospital and all." Chase said as he stood to get himself a cup of coffee. "Is it just me or did we used to get a lot more references from other departments before?"

"We did get a lot more references. Then House went and ticked off that surgeon. Ever since then Oncology has been the only department on speaking terms with us." Cameron said, "We're even being shunned by the Gynecologists."

"The tumor was four inches across –what made House think that the surgeon could possibly remove something that size without causing damage to the lung tissue? And then how he reacted after he found out," Foreman said, shaking his head, "It was insane."

"Still, the surgeon had no right to go badmouthing our entire department to the rest of the hospital. Just because House overreacts doesn't mean that the three of us do." Cameron pointed out. Foreman and Chase made vague noises of agreement. The sound of clanking soon filled the room as Chase resumed his ongoing struggle with the coffeemaker. Cameron watched him for a moment, almost as if she were trying to decide if she ought to be amused or annoyed by his incompetence with small appliances. In the end it was annoyance that won out. "Chase, just sit down before you hurt yourself," she snapped, "It's programmed to make a new pot every forty five minutes." After shooting a venomous glare at the coffee maker, Chase slumped back into his chair. Just as he did so, the door to the lounge was flung open.

"Greetings, minions," House said as he limped into the room, "Have we hit the patient jackpot yet?"

"There's nothing in any of these files," Chase said.

"Get new ones."

"But there aren't any new ones," Cameron protested.

"Of course there are," House said with an exaggerated roll of his eyes, "You just aren't looking in the right places."

"This is absurd. If you hadn't gone after that surgeon -" Foreman began.

"That butcher had it coming." House snapped.

"He was not a butcher!"

"So what do you call someone who removes two layers of undamaged tissue and punctures a lung?"

"It was a difficult procedure. No one was expecting perfect results."

"No one was expecting to have a dead patient, either." House said pointedly. Foreman was about to retort when the door was pushed open once more. This time it was Dr. Lisa Cuddy, the hospital's Dean of Medicine, who entered the lounge.

"House! What the hell do you think you're doing here?" she barked.

"Wait, don't tell me," House said, making a face of mock concentration.

"I told you to wait in my office."

"I wasn't in the mood for a midmorning sex-fest –the leg's been acting up. Can we have a rain check?"

"In your dreams."

"So I'll take that as a 'no?' That's alright, wouldn't want to impose on that busy schedule of yours, if you get my drift."

"Shut up, House. Your Cardiologist is here."

"Great. Now tell them to go back to whatever grimy rock they crawled out of." House said. He limped over to the communal sink where he poured himself a glass of water and withdrew a prescription pill bottle from the pocked of his blazer. After fumbling with the bottle for a moment, he managed to shake out a pair of pills which he downed quickly. Chase was the first to take advantage of the pause in the conversation.

"Wait, did you say that there's a Cardiologist here to see House?"

"Yes, a Cardiologist is waiting to see him. She'd just arrived when House decided to pull his vanishing act."

"Is it another fellow?" Cameron asked, "I thought that it was hospital policy to only have three at one time -"

"Wait, did you say she?" Chase interrupted. He quickly earned glares from both Cameron and Cuddy. "What? It's a difficult field. I was just-"

"You were just caught being a sexist pig," House pointed out. Chase shook his head in frustration.

Cuddy sighed. "She is not another fellow. I asked her to come in so that she could-"

"Steal my job," House finished, "I've already told you that I neither want nor need help running this department."

"Oh you need help alright," Cuddy snapped, "Foreman's stint told me that much."

"So why did you decide to drag an outsider into this?"

"Fantastic, now you're a misanthrope and a xenophobe! House, incase you haven't noticed, the entire hospital is avoiding you. You need to work with someone who has something vaguely resembling people-skills so that you can start to fix this entire mess."

"Cameron has people-skills!"

"Cameron's already been blacklisted for working with you, as have Chase and Foreman. This department needs someone new."

"She has got a point," Foreman offered.

"Oh, stop being the voice of reason, would you?" House snapped.

"All I'm asking is that you give her a try." Cuddy pleaded, "If you hate her by the end of two weeks I promise that I'll get rid of her."

"Let me off clinic duty for the rest of the week and you've got a deal," House said. A tense silence settled over the room. The young doctors stared at Cuddy wondering if she were desperate enough to give into House's demands. The older woman bit her lip and crossed her arms. House smirked at her discomfort.

"Fine." She said at last, "You can have a week off. But if I get so much as an inkling that you're harassing your new team member, you'll owe me an extra year in clinic hours."

"Got it: the Cardiologist is off limits," House said, "Speaking of which, where is the bugger?"

"Dr. Gordon is finishing up her paperwork at the nurses' station. She should be here any minute." Cuddy replied. House dropped the bottle of pills that he was holding, his eyes widening in shock.

"Dr. Gordon?"

A/N: Reviews are nice, but I'm not going to force you to make one. Part two is in progress.