This story is told from Karen's pov
Hallie Spaulding the midwife is portrayed by Yvette Freeman. (Who plays nurse Haleh in ER. Guess where I got that name? Haha.)
I put up an Instagram account for my fanfiction-related stuff. Creatively enough it is called "Linneagbfanfiction" go and follow it if you want.
Enjoy
Life has a funny way with going on even when we don't expect it to.
Or funny, I wouldn't call it funny. Fascinating more likely. When the police had come out of that school when I and Lucas so badly waited for Keith to. Then walked up to us it really did feel like the world should have stopped. And waited along with us, waited for the last few seconds before my whole life was knocked over and shattered into pieces.
And I was reminded by how shattered my heart was every single second.
Whatever I was doing.
Wherever I was.
It was always there. Keeping me from concentrating on what I should, or smile or laugh like I had always been able to no matter how hard things were.
It was always there, coming with me everywhere I went.
Was I at work at the café I just went on automat. Some days Haley were there to help me, but she seemed as off as I felt by what she had seen in the tutor center that day. And there weren't many words more than customers ordering or someone one knew coming in with a flower. Asking if I was alright or if there was something they could do for me.
I wasn't alright. And there was nothing anyone could do for me.
Except the one I needed most of all in this.
Was I at home I was somewhere staring right ahead of me at nothing, or sitting with a photo with Keith on it. Or on the bed wrapped in Keith's old pyjamas and crying my eyes off. Somewhere in the exhaustion I would fall asleep and have nightmares about him or Lucas dying or getting dragged away from me.
Lucas!
Even though he was now old enough to run over his own life. Would be and was the only thing that kept me going. And without him I was pretty sure I would just have laid down to die.
Most of the time that was what I wanted to do, but I couldn't.
As a mum, no matter how old your child, or children were you would have to keep on going on no matter what happened.
And maybe that was why I felt terrible for blaming Lucas for pulling Dan out of that fire and running into the school while Jimmy Edwards walked around in there with a gun. Then while I loved Lucas more than anything or anyone else in the world. I hated myself for what I had told him in anger.
And I'd never really taken the chance to say I was sorry.
We just went on as if we'd both forgotten about it all the way. But I knew I hadn't forgotten about it. It was on my mind almost as much as Keith. And if I knew Lucas right he wasn't one to forget about such things either.
I just wanted to bring it up. Then make sure Lucas knew it wasn't his fault. Because it wasn't.
Not in any way.
One night, when I was only standing in the kitchen. Staring right ahead of me, a teacup in my hand. Staring right ahead of me but not watching whatever was in front of me.
And in my mind it only kept on going on.
Keith is dead.
Jimmy Edwards killed him
And he's not coming back.
He's never coming back.
Because he's dead.
Dead, dead, dead.
And he's not coming back.
Yet I loved him so much. Now more than ever, even the love in itself should have been enough for my heart to just break down and fall to pieces.
I could hear Lucas coming up the driveway and into the house. Yet I wasn't so sure if I did. I knew that he was coming but didn't know what it meant. Then didn't really care about it, this was just a night like any other. Like they would be every night in a future that looked all dark and dreadful to me.
"Mum"
It was when I heard the broken tone in my son's voice that I reacted and turned to him. Then saw the look on his face- as if he was about to break down crying. And for the first time since what felt like forever I forgot about Keith.
"I know that you're hurting, now more than ever. And I don't want to make that worse. But I need to tell you something."
Whatever could that be that could make it worse?
I put away my teacup and walked over to him. Stopping just a little bit before him to let him speak. With how he looked at me with those broken eyes this had to be important.
Meanwhile he looked as if he was about to start a few times before he did it. As if it took everything he had in him to finally get the words out. And still he couldn't keep his voice from breaking when the words finally came.
"I lied to you mum. My heart condition."
No, no, no. No stop it. Stop it. No.
Let it be anything else but this.
"I have HCM."
Lucas's voice broke, as did my heart into- if possible even smaller pieces.
Now after everything, was there anything worse than your child- a part of your own self had a serious and even fatal disease? One that would last his whole life?
I wouldn't think so.
"And I need you. I need you now more than ever."
Before he had finished speaking I took a step forward and wrapped my arms around him. He finally broke down sobbing and I fought my own tears away.
Oh Lucas, oh please. Please, please Lucas Eugene Scott. Say it again.
Just say that you need me and let me know that I am still here for a reason.
"I need you mum." Lucas sobbed. "I need you."
"Sch, sch, sch." I tried comfortingly. "It's okay. It's okay."
At least as okay as it ever well be again.
"I promise you Luke, I am not going anywhere."
With my arms wrapped around his shoulders and holding on tight Lucas let the words go and they were replaced by nothing else than heart-wrenching sobs.
I would have liked to say something. Say whatever that would make it all better.
But I couldn't.
"Oh Lucas."
I pulled my arms tighter around him, as tight as I possibly could. Then lowered my chin slightly and laid my cheek and ear against his chest. Lucas was still sobbing, I was still heartbroken and this wouldn't exactly help me not to worry.
But was there a more beautiful sound than the one of your own child's heartbeats?
Flashback
Well the best way to make sure people wouldn't stare at you was certainly not to get pregnant in your teens.
Being four and a half months pregnant and half of the pregnancy behind me- I was always as big as a house. And wherever I came I could feel people watching me.
At least with Keith next to me they would assume he was the dad and not figure anything about me and his brother or what had been with him. Figure how he had chosen basketball over me and our child. Even figured how I pretended that I thought he had made the right choice.
And all of that staring wasn't any better than anywhere else in the waiting room at the hospital to meet the midwife. I couldn't help but to stare down into the floor as if there was the most interesting thing ever.
"I'm sorry I made you come with me." Was the only thing I could think of saying to the guy next to me. "You shouldn't have had to."
"That's correct." Keith said, but I still hadn't looked up from the floor not to have to see and count how many there were staring or glancing towards me. "I shouldn't have had to be here. And we both know who should. But now here we are…" I saw moving in the corner of my eye and then felt Keith's arm around my shoulders. "…And… until my body sees some sense in this. And until afterwards if I can ever see that he can act like the dad he should be. Then I will be here, right by your side and be the da… well, the uncle this little one could ever need. And I promise you, I will come with you every step of this road whenever you want me to."
I couldn't help but smile slightly. Even though my throat always felt weirdly thick when Dan was mentioned and I couldn't help but remember how he had, without a single second of doubt- chosen his stupid basketball career over me and our child.
Maybe even the very most the part with our child.
Maybe I could have lived with it better if he had only left me.
"Karen Roe?"
I had been so far away in my own thoughts and stared into the floor I barely heard my name being called. Then looked up in confusion and realized the problem laid in not being able to have seen who had been shouting. Midwives and other staff were walking in the room in every direction and…
"Is there a Karen Roe here?"
"YES." I shouted, in some weird way afraid that the woman I could now place would leave before I could get up. "That's me. Just give me a minute." Even with Keith's help and support every move to get up was slow and stiff. "I'm only halfway but I already feel… and look like I am at LEAST nine months pregnant. Ugh."
The midwife who had called out my name was African-American with a short, black afro and smiled kindly at me and Keith when we walked up to her. Yet I still couldn't let the feeling go that people were watching me. And I only barely looked up from the floor walking over to the midwife and feeling Keith right behind me.
"I'm Hallie Spaulding. Midwife here and I will take care of you today." She introduced herself and shook my hand, never letting that warm smile go from her lips. "You can call me Hallie. I always preferred that. Do you prefer Karen or Miss or Mrs. Roe?"
"Karen's fine." I shivered at the thought of "Mrs." "Yeah… Karen's fine." I tried to ignore the couple on the other side of the waiting room that just wouldn't stop staring at me.
"I'm sorry." Keith took over and laid his hand on my back. "Is there somewhere we can go? Some people just take the chance to stare. It might have something to do with that Karen's… younger than most other mums but… if it's uncomfortable for me I can only imagine what it's like for you."
"Of course. Come with me."
The midwife turned and led me and Keith past the reception and down the hallway. I couldn't help but to draw a slight relieved breath and shot Keith a thankful glance as good as I could still making our way towards a room that Hallie Spaulding led us into.
"I cannot tell you how many times that have happened." Hallie started once the door to the examination room was closed behind us. "As soon as there's a teenager, an older woman, someone that doesn't look quite right. I had a woman here with burn scars and I swear to you I have never seen such staring. People just takes their freedom when they see something different, even though they don't have anything to do with the decisions that either you or anybody else that they don't know have made. Now…. I guess you must be the father."
My stomach dropped and I couldn't help but look away and down towards the floor. Keith patted my arm- how many times hadn't we gone through this already and how many times wouldn't we get it before… before… before whatever reason people had to just assume the guy next to me was the father of my child- why wouldn't they anyway?
Thank God for Keith who was always as calm.
"Actually no."
"The father's… not in the picture. Not in my life and not in the baby's."
"Oh… How many times haven't I heard that and still, every time someone new comes along with it it just breaks my heart. Now, you don't have to act shyly in here but there's no reason for me to be digging in your private, family business. So then, pants down, shirt up and then lay on that bunk." She gestured towards a bunk and herself sat down on a rolling chair. "Do you want this small curtain and cover up so…"
"Keith. Keith Scott."
"…Keith Scott can't see when… you know?"
"No. It's fine." I unbuttoned the pants. "And why on earth would I be so stupid I wore a freaking jumpsuit for this?" Hallie only shook her head. "Well, I guess you have seen every single mistake there is possible to be made."
"I've been doing this job since before you were born honey. You can bet on that. There's no rush." I finally had unbuttoned enough of the fifty eleven buttons enough to fold it downwards and show my belly. Then pulled the sweater up and laid down on my back on the bunk feeling more nervous by the second.
"Would you mind if the radio's on?" Hallie gestured to a radio on a window seal in the corner of the room. "I always have it on when alone in here. And some people like it on, some people just can't wait to have it off. Now, what kind of people are you?"
"I don't mind. What about you Keith?"
"You're the boss Karen."
"I'm with Keith Scott on that I have to admit." Hallie took a bottle with something I couldn't see. "This is a gel we put on your belly to be able to see the ultrasound pictures better. It might feel a bit cold when I put it on. But there should be nothing in this doctor's visit that is going to hurt either you or the baby. And I will let you know whatever I am doing whenever I am doing it. And if something hurts or doesn't feel right then you just shout "stop" and then we'll take it from there. I'm going to put some of this gel on your belly now, it might feel a bit cold."
I couldn't help but to tense slightly. I had heard about these gels and had always expected it to feel like ice towards my naked skin and have me freezing all over. But…
"It's not that cold… At least not near as cold as I always expected it to be."
"That's good hon. Some women shiver and everything, then can't wait to get it off. But it helps us to get a better picture. And there." She took the transducer from the ultrasound and put it against my belly and a picture turned up on the ultrasound screen. "There he or she is, can you see? One little head?" She pointed. "And one little body."
"I see."
The two short words I spoke were barely more than a whisper.
How I had gotten to know this little one. From the extra blue line on the pregnancy test, to see my belly grow bigger by the day. Even, just a few times the last couple of weeks felt him or her moving around. While still being so little I could barely feel it, still I knew that it was something else.
And it was also something else seeing him or her for real for the first time. Even though it was only a black- and- white on a screen I could see. And my heart started beating stronger than I had ever experienced before.
Then I couldn't help but notice the look on Hallie's face while she moved the transducer over my belly while the picture on the screen changed as she moved it the frown in her forehead turned deeper and deeper.
"What?" I couldn't help the panicking tone in my voice when it rose in my chest and throat. "What's wrong?
"I wouldn't worry." Hallie moved around the transducer over my stomach. "Sometimes it's just a bit hard finding the heartbeat."
No!
No, no, no, no, no!
Dear God don't let this be happening. Not to me. Not after everything.
That was the very first time something just clenched around my heart and lungs. That cold feeling that creeped into my chest like ice and kept me from breathing. And the longest few seconds of my life passed by as Hallie, with a frown in her forehead kept on moving the plastic transducer over my stomach and watching the screen.
The frown seemed to only deepen by the second that went by one and one. And I couldn't help but clenching my fist hard around Keith's fingers (he would for sure have some bruises) while the silence was so thick I could hear the blood streaming in my ears.
"There we go." Hallie exclaimed at last and in relief I slumped backwards the bunk. "Don't you worry. Sometimes they're just hiding a bit. There is the heart." Hallie pointed on the screen. "And it's beating strong." I finally breathed out. "And there's his little hand. Look. He's waving at you." She pointed to the screen again. "Hi mummy. I can't wait to be with you for real. Can you see me waving?... Can you see it?"
With tears in my eyes I raised my hand in a slight wave back at… wait.
"Did you just say…" I raised up again. "…He? Him? That's it. Can you see? Did you just say?"
"Oh…" Hallie made a pause. "Oh, I'm so, so sorry. Somehow I just thought you already knew. I didn't mean to give it out just like that. Ha! I've been working with this for thirty years and I've made this mistake I don't know how many times."
"It's a he? It's a boy?"
"Yeah." Hallie nodded at last. "It's a boy."
"It's a boy? It's a boy."
"Yes Karen." Keith looked just as surprised as I felt. "It's a boy. It's a boy. Are you sure Hallie?"
"I'm sure. It's a boy."
It was like it couldn't be said enough of times. I still couldn't let it sink in and really understand what had been said. And right then I just had to say it one more time even though it was barely more than a whisper and something more of a whimper.
"It's a boy."
"Ha-ha." Keith teased me and fake-laughed finally breaking whatever half-dreaming state I was in and I shook my head. "You said you wanted a girl."
"No. I said I wanted a healthy baby with ten fingers and ten toes." I hit him jokingly on his arm and couldn't fail to notice the big smile on his lips looking towards the ultrasound screen and I leaned my head back and turned a bit so I could only lie there in silence for a bit while Keith continued.
"You said you wanted a girl. If you could have chosen you would have chosen a girl.
"Well, I couldn't choose. And now in this…" I somehow, just couldn't take my eyes off the ultrasound screen. "Now I wouldn't trade him for any girl in the whole wide world."
"Well I can imagine why you wanted a girl considering the name you would be giving a boy."
Jokingly, once again I boxed Keith's arm. Harder this time, he would have been able to feel it.
"OW." He shouted dramatically and gripped his arm. "You hit me Karen! Dr. Spaulding. Are the mum's allowed to hit their men at these doctor's visits? They can't be, can they?" Hallie only laughed and shook her head. "It's not funny. It hurt." Dramatically he moaned and rubbed his arm. Sending me a slight smirk.
"They are allowed to hit their men when they're teasing about the babies' names. And Hallie, Keith Scott. I never liked being called Dr. So just call me Hallie. What name are you talking about by the way? Are you naming him after someone?"
"Yes. After my granddad. But it's only the middle name. I want him to have his own first name to call him by."
"Sounds good. I take it you must love your grandfather very much? I always found it very fascinating how parents choose someone to name their child after. After all, the name our parents give us is something we'll have to live with all of our lives."
"I do love him." I answered. "But… even though he doesn't remember me or anything. I hope that he'll be happy and surprised when I tell him the baby will have his name. And there's still some little part of me who just has to believe that somehow he does know, will know who that baby is for him."
"Well you must have loved him very much. Considering naming a child after him with THAT name." Keith continued teasing me and obviously wanted to cheer me up. "Come on now Karen. Tell this nice lady what you're considering naming your son."
"What is it with you Keith?" I moaned. "You don't typically act like this. You're all calm and… well, not like this."
"A moment like this could change anyone." Keith rubbed my hand. "Sorry. I just can't stand to see you sad. I'm sure that whatever name you come up with it will fit perfectly."
"Will someone tell me what this terrible name is? It can't be that bad."
"My grandfather's name is Eugene." I said almost all in one word rolling my eyes at Keith. "And I promised him if I ever had a son he would be named after him. And at the moment I was like five and he had given me a doll or whatever like that." Keith had to support against the bunk I sat on not to fall over with laughing. "Come on, it's not that funny."
"Oh, yes it is. The only thing that could have been funnier was if that you gave it as first name so he would actually have to be called by it. That poor boy."
I boxed on Keith's arm again. This time he only laughed back and I couldn't help but smile while I leaned my head backwards and turned my head to watch the ultrasound screen while Hallie moved around the transducer towards my belly. I had a feeling she thought what she saw on the screen clearer than what I did.
"Have you got any names for the first name planned out then? Tell me, I'm curious."
"That's the problem. Half of the pregnancy has passed by and I've got nothing. I've never been much for very unique names. And I want him to have the chance to say his name once when he presents himself and not have to spell it out or point out the spelling. But I've gone to school with I don't know how many Karen's and I don't want that for him either. But then, before now so both with girls' and boys' names I've gone through like every name I can think of. I know for a girl I always loved the name Claire, Jennifer or Hannah. And then for boys I always loved Philip or Louie or Patrick. But it's just that… none of them ever felt right."
"Hmmm." Hallie seemed to think hard. "Well, I've been pregnant five times and had a total of eight children. And I've gone through that with every single pregnancy. Especially with the twins and the triplets. But I would just tell you. Don't worry, you will come up with one. It will feel right and he will not go through life without having a name at all. I promise you."
Seeing my best friend smile at me like Keith did now was usually enough to force all nervousity and everything away. And today it did seem something like it, even though I couldn't quite relax and turned back to Hallie.
"Say a name you like?" She flinched slightly and raised an eyebrow at me. "Just pick a random name you like" She shrugged slightly and concentrated on the ultrasound screen. "Please. Just say a random name. Who knows? It might end up being the name we end up using?"
"Are you going to tell the poor boy his midwife decided on his name?"
"That reason is as good as anything. And besides, you won't be deciding on the name. I will, and Keith will help. Don't protest Keith, you're going to have an as big part in this boy's life you might as well be a part of that. Now say a name that you like Hallie? Just pick one."
"Well…" Hallie hesitated and seemed to brainstorm. "A name I like… I always liked the name Daniel."
I felt my stomach drop at only the mention of that name. By me I could see Keith's mouth having turned thin while he crossed his arms over his chest and looked away from me and Hallie. Hallie on the other hand look from one to the other and seemed confused- why wouldn't she?
"Did I say something wrong?"
"Daniel… Dan is the name of my ex and Keith's brother…. The baby's father."
"Oh." Hallie moaned slightly. "I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to… well… out of all of the names I like I just had to choose that one didn't I?"
"It's fine. You couldn't have known. Keith." I turned my head in the other direction to where my best friend sat. "You say a name. Just pick a random name that you like. Maybe that will be the one that just feels right." Keith shoved his hands deep in his jeans' pockets and laid his head to the side in deep thought. "Just pick one."
"I…. I always liked the name Andrew for some reason."
"Andrew Eugene?" I tried it with the middle name right away, but couldn't help but grimace and shake my head. "Really? The same sound ending the first name as starting the middle? No. That's not right."
"I wasn't thinking about that." Keith sighed. "But Hallie's right. Something will be there and it'll only stare you right into the eyes and just feel right. I know you Karen. And I know that you will do whatever is best for this baby boy. Upon that there are still four and a half months left to do all the thinking. And even though you wouldn't have picked one by then. The boy won't feel bad for not having a name for two weeks after that. You get what I mean."
"I know what you mean."
While we silent all three of us I tried to brainstorm all of what I could for a name. Even if I could just figure one that I liked. One that felt right….
But no, nothing. And the radio on in the window seal kept on taking all of my concentration.
Although afterwards. I wouldn't be able to help that the radio on there, playing exactly that song had been meant to be.
"Do you want me to turn the music off?" Hallie asked. "You keep on turning towards it but you're just quiet. I can turn it off if you want me to. It doesn't matter to me."
"No." I answered, maybe a bit too quickly. Because I really didn't. "It's fine. I was only listening. And it's nice having something to listen to even when we can't figure what to say. I like it…" The songs changed on the radio. "And I like this song."
"I love this one." Hallie gestured with one hand towards the radio on the window seal. "But it's got a sad story to it. I could never understand how anyone could ever hurt someone they loved like mentioned in it. Let alone over and over again. Yet sometimes I can't help but wonder how many of them I have met in my job."
"It's about abuse isn't it?" I questioned, even though I knew very well. "And someone trying to keep it secret. No, I'm with you on that one. I don't get how anyone could as much as lay a finger on someone they love. Let alone a child. Right Keith? Keith?"
"Yeah…. Sorry. I was just thinking about Dan."
"What?" I protested and protected him without thinking. "He wasn't abusive. He never was."
"I know that." Keith sighed and his voice was dry and almost rude. "And I don't think he would but honestly it wouldn't surprise me."
"Well it would surprise me. He was never violent or anything. He just… chose his basketball career in front of me. And then made that perfectly clear more than ever when he found out I was pregnant. Last thing I heard he had a new girlfriend."
"Oh yeah, he does. Her name was something short, I think there was an E in it. Jen or something like that. And from what I've heard- I might have heard it wrong and I certainly hope I did. Then she's pregnant too."
I couldn't help but to raise an eyebrow, Keith only nodded back at me and patted my shoulder.
I tried to ignore the way I could feel my heart breaking finding out Daniel was already with someone else. And so far into a relationship- the kind of relationship we had talked all through high school about having together.
"Can we talk about something else then Dan." I tried, my voice sounding weaker and more broken than what I had planned or expected it to. "He's a finished chapter of my life. And whatever happens now I am not letting him in to control my life or our son's. Then he can do whatever he wants with his own life. He's an adult person and he's perfectly capable of making his own decisions without me having to be there interfering or be troubled with it."
"He's not acting like an adult." Keith mumbled and I just glared back at him and hoped that tears wouldn't be rising- after all of that time I and Dan had spent together… "Sorry Karen. It's just… seeing the way he hurts you it just makes me… I just want to go and… Rip him into pieces… I was just using it as an expression. I wouldn't. And I wouldn't hurt him physically in any other way neither. But…"
Keith clenched his fists and waved one hand a little as if to show how angry he was. I never saw him like this. But as he relaxed and leaned back I felt comfortable knowing that Keith would always choose being there for me and the baby rather than going to fight his brother.
"My name is Luka." I hummed along to the song trying to shove away thinking about Dan. Then I couldn't help but actually hear it. "That's a nice name though… Luka." I looked up on Keith. "Don't you think? Luka? Like in the song" I looked back towards the radio just as the song ended as if that could help me decide what I thought of it and tasted the name. "Luka?"
"Luka?"
"Luka?"
"Luka." Both Hallie and Keith had copied it. "Well…. I like that at least." Keith nodded agreeing. "You are right though. We've got time. And I'd like to hold him in my arms and see him before I decide on a name. I guess we'll just have to add that to the list then… and at last make a list of possible names. Luka… or maybe Luke… or Lucas. Lucas… Lucas… I think that's a favorite so far. Lucas Eugene? That doesn't sound too bad does it?"
"Well, about as good as that middle name can ever sound that is." Keith laughed again and I rolled my eyes at him. "I'm sorry Karen. I'll stop those jokes now. Anyway… Lucas Roe? I guess he's getting your last name since… well, you know."
"I know." With another deep sigh I lifted my hand and rubbed my forehead in distress. "I'm not sure. It's the common that a child gets the father's last name. But Dan isn't in the picture as you know. But of course. Scott isn't only Dan's last name. It's yours too and you'll be more of a dad than Dan will ever be." I kept on talking fast. "I guess I'll just have to think about it."
"Sounds good." Hallie agreed. "They're both nice names anyway. But now we can turn back to this. I know that you both think we have been doing a lot of talking during the last minutes since you came here." Once again Hallie moved the transducer over my stomach. "But that's the way I like to do it. Then I can move this around and check everything without the mother being tense and interfering with every little detail. While of course, if I can see something that is not the way it is. Then I'll of course let them know. But… Here…" She pointed to the screen and pulled her finger along it. "See here? That's the spine. It looks perfectly normal, there's an arm, and another arm, and a leg. And I suppose the other leg is somewhere there but hidden for the moment. Here are what will be the body's inner organs- liver and kidneys and those. There's the head. And as you can see, there's the heart. He seems to be the right size and weight for the moment. And everything's looking just fine. I can't see no reason for worry. Now, is there anything else that you want to ask or want to know more about?"
"I don't think so. What about you Keith?"
"Nope. I'm good."
"Then I think we're done here." She handed me some napkins to clean off my belly with but I just held them in my hand having thought of only one little thing. "Karen? If there's something else you want to ask or anything then you can tell or ask me. Believe me, I've heard it all."
"Can I just… Can I just be alone for a moment?" I grabbed the plastic transducer myself and held it towards my belly where my son and his heart could be clearly seen on the ultrasound screen. "Can I be alone… well, be alone with… with my son? I think I… I just have to be on my… our own for a minute and then I'll be right out."
"Of course." Keith was on his way to take a step forward but Hallie stopped him. "I wouldn't worry about it. It does happen that a mum wants to do this and unless I'm in a rush for the next patient then it's not a problem. No rush, you come when you feel like it." She pulled Keith to turn around and then more or less pushed him out the door before she closed it after them and I was left…
Well, I wouldn't call it alone.
Most of the ultrasound screen, now when Hallie wasn't there to point what I could see- was a blur. Not even I, as the mum could tell an arm from the leg or the head. But I could see enough, and what I could without a doubt see clearly was the heart.
Beating one, two, three, four…
Beating strong.
"Don't you dare to ever scare me like that again."
End of flashback
"It's okay."
I didn't let go of Lucas for a single second for what felt like hours. And each of those sobs ripped my heart into pieces. Then they started calming down, he wasn't trembling as much. It started turning into fewer and fewer sobs that turned into snivels. And his breathing slowed down as he slowly got out of my grip and took a step back.
Tears, now silently and few still rolled down Lucas's cheeks and in loss of anything to say I lifted my hand and tenderly stroke them away. Lucas didn't flinch or make a single move. Nothing, until I reached up and kissed away the very last of the tear rolling down.
"Why did you lie to me Lucas?"
At last I just asked the first thing that came to mind as the question that anyone would have asked in this position. Even though I didn't mean to sound that fast forward.
And I probably didn't mean to continue before he could answer either.
"Wait. How did you lie to me? I saw that letter myself… Mr. Scott… You used Keith's letter didn't you." Lucas nodded and I pushed his shoulder slightly in what could have been a jokingly way. "You are way too smart for your own good. A bit like your father if I can say it myself. But why? Why did you feel the need to lie to me? After everything?" Lucas shrugged slightly. "And answer me truthfully Lucas Eugene Scott."
Well, at least he'd know I was being serious when I used his full name. Even though I wouldn't be able to make my voice sound loud and strict for anything in the world right now.
"I don't really have a good answer. I just… I didn't want to worry you. Just like you said- after everything."
I carefully cupped my hand around his cheek, he had stopped crying. But it was still wet, clammy and warm from all the crying that had already been done.
"I'm your mum Lucas. It's my job to worry for you. And I will keep on doing it whether you like it or not."
I would have kept on talking. Said something more. But right then, suddenly from nowhere I was hit by a wave of nausea and as of a reflex my hand just shot from Lucas's cheek to over my mouth.
"Mum? Are you okay?"
With another wave of nausea hitting me I barely even heard Lucas's question. And certainly didn't have time to answer before I span around and ran the few short meters to the sink which I leaned over and threw up into.
"Mum?"
Barely catching breaths in between the heaves I could still less answer Lucas. Then felt his palm towards my back as he started rubbing circles. And for a second some memories flashed by from all the times I had on his in… situations like this one.
If I wasn't so busy with throwing up and catching breaths in between the heaves I probably would have smiled for the first time in forever.
"Are you okay?"
After what felt like hours the heaving stopped. I raised slightly, put the crane on and then gripped hard in the edge of the counter while I felt the nausea easing and my breaths slowed down.
"I'm okay." Lucas reached me a glass of water. "Thank you."
I let go of the counter and turned around. Then leaning my back against it I sunk down to sit on the floor and took a few, small sips from the glass looking up at my son who looked quite confused watching me down on the floor.
"Come and sit." I patted on the floor next to me. "But turn the water off first. I can't hear myself think with that noise."
Lucas, still looking as confused did as he was told and sat down next to me. He didn't move much. But I, well, I ignored how badly my breath must be smelling and moved closer. Then leaned my head against his chest where I could hear his heart beating.
"When I was about your age and younger I always sat down on the floor if I was stressed about something. I never really understood why but being lower, closer to the ground sometimes would calm me down and it would be easier to clear my mind and think if so only for a minute. Then, to continue to what I was saying before. I'm supposed to take care of you no matter what happens. Not the other way around." I tried to sit up properly but Lucas held me back. "Stop that. I mean it. You're not meant to take care of me. I can take care of myself."
"Oh I know you can. I just don't want you to have to. And I guess- now I am old enough and everything." He gave a slight smile and rubbed my arm. "We are both here to take care of each other."
"Oh." I leaned back again. "You are growing up to be such a wise, caring and beautiful young man Luke. It feels like just yesterday that you laid in your crib and I laid awake so I could just listen to your breathing all night. Then when I'd finally fall asleep from the exhaustion of being up the night before and five minutes later I'd wake up from you screaming. Being hungry or needing your diaper changed or even just wanting to be held and rocked for like three hours before you finally fell back asleep. And by then it would be daytime again. As if all of that sickness and then kicking and rolling around inside of me during the pregnancy wasn't enough for keeping me awake."
Suddenly another flash of a memory hit me when I thought of the morning sickness I had suffered from during the beginning and the end of the pregnancy.
Today having thrown up only a minute ago. This wasn't the first time during these past couple of weeks I had been sick…
I had thrown up a few times too. After it always coming on fast, especially if I had something else more important I had to do at the moment. All that could be done was to quickly find a sink or the bathroom so I hopefully wouldn't throw up in bed or something like that.
Then another picture of a memory turned up.
Only a few days after I had found out I was pregnant with Lucas, Dan left. Keith was with me and after crying for ages for Dan I had leaned back. When suddenly I was hit by such a strong wave of nausea I had ended up throwing up right on Keith's shirt.
I had been thinking it was mostly stress that time too. Even though I already knew I was pregnant too.
Could it be possible?
After all, what I and Keith had done…
No, of course not.
I finally let myself relax and sink into Lucas's grip. The fabric of his shirt soft towards my cheek when I put my ear towards his chest. Then pulled a deep breath in temporary relaxation when I could hear his heart beating loud.
Just like it had all of those years ago at the first visit at the midwife's.
"Did I ever tell you about when I and Keith were at the first doctor's visit when I was pregnant?"
"I don't think so. What about it?"
"We had just come there and were getting started… There was a midwife named Hallie Spaulding. And I and Keith were both so nervous and as if that wasn't enough. When she held that transducer of the ultrasound towards my belly then she couldn't find a heartbeat."
I silent for a bit and listened closely to Lucas's heartbeat with my head lying against his chest. Even though sitting against the hard floor I could have been sitting like this, only listening to those heartbeats forever. Feeling Lucas's arm around my shoulders and once again reminded of that tiny little one I had been cradling in my arms all of that time ago.
It felt like a million years, yet like a day or two at the same time.
"And it was in the midwife's room that the radio was on. And it played a song that was a big hit by then. That song was written from the perspective of a child who was abused. And that song is where we got your name from."
"You got my name from a song about child abuse?"
"Yeah. People did think it was weird. Although, the boy in the song was named Luka and not Lucas so it's still a bit different. But it was there, and I was all… I was so scared and then relieved and then it was there and it was perfect. I didn't decide on the name right then and there but… it was perfect and I knew it. Do you know it? Do you like your name?"
"Well at least Lucas is better than Eugene."
I couldn't help but smile slightly. The thought still being on my mind that Lucas had just told me he was ill- fatally ill.
"I guess I haven't quite gotten this thing about HCM yet. I'm sorry Lucas. If it had really sunk in I wouldn't be… I wouldn't be smiling I guess."
"What are you apologizing for?" Lucas kept on rubbing my arm. "Remembering back to… only remembering back. There has never been anything I loved as much as seeing you happy. And I'd rather take this reaction than if you would cry your eyes out and yell at me for not telling you about the HCM right away. And for lying to you. I know you hate people lying to you mum…"
"I've never been as afraid as I was during those long seconds when Hallie Spaulding the midwife moved the transducer around my belly trying to find it. And I have been afraid every single second since then. Been afraid that something will go wrong, you'll get ill or someone or something is going to hurt you. And that's what I do. And I wouldn't change it for a single second. Even if I could. That's how much I love you Lucas. And it's how much I always will."
I couldn't see Lucas's face from where I half laid with my cheek and ear towards his chest. But I could feel it when he moved and if I could guess I would have guessed he swallowed to force another round of tears away.
I just started talking again and kept on talking. Nothing hurt me as much as knowing Lucas was in so much pain as he was.
And maybe nothing hurt him as knowing I was too…
"I loved Keith too. I still do, I always will. And I know that you do too. And I've… my heart is shattering into pieces time and time again knowing that he's gone. And knowing that you know he won't be- especially that. We'll get through this Lucas. We will, together. But if something ever happens to you and you're gone…."
I couldn't help but gasp and could feel tears rising my eyes. Everyone knew that the worst thing that could ever happen to a human being was for a mother to lose her child. A child of her own flesh and bone, a child that she'd been carrying inside of her through that pregnancy, and through all of those sleepless nights with a baby.
But the thought only that that would happen to me.
"Look. If there is one thing that everything that has happened has taught me is that we don't know whatever comes tomorrow. Or even tonight, or next week, or next year. That… dreadful, terrible day you went off in the morning like you always do. And so did Nathan, and Peyton, and Haley, and Brooke. It was just another normal day. Yet it turned out to be anything but. But even if we would have worried about it before. It wouldn't have changed anything."
"If I had just… never joined the ravens. Or if we had kept hanging out with Jimmy too. Kept playing our games on the river court…."
"Stop that Lucas." I interrupted, my voice sounding harsher than what I had planned or expected it too. "Jimmy Edwards was a very sick person. Something would have happened sooner or later and he would have snapped. But a young, healthy person doesn't react to such changes the way he did…. I know that you know Jimmy was sick. And I know you know that that was a whole other kind of sickness than HCM or anything else that has come through our lives before. I know you know that. But… I know what you think about that and one thing you have to know honey- Jimmy Edwards going into Tree Hill High carrying a gun in his pocket was not your fault. And who he turned it towards was not your fault."
Lucas didn't answer me, I sat up fully so I would be able to look Lucas in the eyes. And that was when I saw tears had been rising in his eyes again and was this time around silently rolling down his cheeks while he seemed to be doing his best to fight them.
"It's alright to cry Luke." I didn't mind the tears this time but tenderly stroke his cheek. "You don't have to fight against it."
"I…" Luke sniveled and annoyed stroke the tears away with his sleeve. "I stopped crying like five minutes ago."
"And that's okay. You have been through so much lately… Sometimes it's so easy to forget that you're barely more than a child..." I stroke his cheek one more time as more tears ran down his face. "…my child… Whom I love so very much."
Lucas grimaced and started sobbing again. It didn't last for long this time, a couple of minutes at the most. I would have wanted to hug him this time too. Hold him tight and then promise it was all going to be okay.
But how could I have promised him that when I knew it wasn't going to?
"It is kind of ironic though. Don't you think? My and Keith's test results came at the same time. I'm ill. But I'm here and while Keith was the healthy one… he's not."
"If that teaches us anything it is that we can't just go around worrying for something to happen all the time. I could step in front of a truck on my way to work in the morning and it will all be over, just like that. Yet I could live a perfectly healthy life until a hundred and worrying for that to happen will have been for nothing. Worrying doesn't do well for nobody… Especially with a heart condition…"
All of a sudden it just hit me all at once what Lucas had come here to tell me. I had heard it then to, but it was like I couldn't understand.
"Just promise me one thing though Luke." I lifted my head and turned up towards him again. "If there is anything like this again. That you're ill, or in pain. Or someone's hurting you or anything at all really. Please just tell me. Whatever it is. Even if you've done something wrong… Especially if you've done something wrong. Yes I might worry, yes I might get angry. But I love you and that's why I always want to know. Okay?"
Lucas turned his head slightly so he could go from looking away from me to looking me in the eyes. But he didn't say anything and his eyes didn't carry the look of someone making a promise.
"Lucas Eugene Scott. Do you hear me. Do not go off and keep any secrets that might put you in danger. Never again? Okay? Promise me that."
He hesitated again. But using his full name he did know he wouldn't get away from here unless he said something- and meant it.
"I promise."
I wasn't sure if he would mean it or not. He sure didn't look like it. But this might be as far as I could get today. And I didn't want to pressure him into anything, or make him feel bad.
Of course, there was one more thing. And this one was on me.
But I couldn't know when again I could get the chance to get this close.
"And… Luke. You know those things I told you. When you told me you pulled Dan out of that fire…"
"If I hadn't…"
"We never know how things would have turned out if we had made a single decision in another way then we did. But more than anything when I think about what I told you right then…"
"You were right."
"No I wasn't. And let me finish before you talk again. Lucas, those things were mean. And untrue. And you are neither of those things I called you by. If I could only go back in time and…. Not say it. But for what it's worth- I am so, so sorry for what I said. And I hope that you will be able to forgive me for calling you… for what I said. I can't even repeat it."
Despite being so clear in my memory. I just couldn't let those words pass my lips- not again.
And how I could have even done it once at all…
"Nothing's your fault Lucas. Do you hear me? Nothing! None of this. And if Keith would have chosen. Then he'd take the HCM too for you in the blink of an eye. Without a second of hesitation he would have taken it away from you to have it himself. And so would I. That's how much he loved you Lucas- that's how much we both do… And…" I had to make a pause when there were a few tears rising from my eyes and rolling down my cheeks. "…Whether he is here in person or not. He loved you very much Lucas, and love isn't something that just goes away. With that he always, will… and I always will."
"He told me that he loved me."
"What?" Lucas had spoken so fast I hadn't gotten the chance to listen to him. "Can you say that again?"
"Keith. He told me that he loved me. At school that day. When I was trying to reach the door carrying Peyton… And he stayed with Jimmy. He told me that he loved me and… then out that door I was…. If I could only go back in time. If I had never gone inside."
"Then what would have happened to Peyton? She barely made it out of there alive and if you hadn't been with her she might have bled out before she could have gotten help from anyone at all."
Lucas silent, then for a long while we only sat there while none of us said a word. What was there to say? No words could ever express the love and the hurt in between us lately.
"I never got to say it back" Lucas spoke all of a sudden. "I was… so close… But I didn't."
"What did he say to you? And who did?"
"Keith. He told me that he loved me."
I watched new tears rise into Lucas's eyes and roll down his cheeks. He didn't make any intention to wipe them away and I didn't have a tissue. Instead, like I had just a little while ago I lifted my hand and cupped around Lucas's cheek catching the tears in my palm.
"I did love him. I do still. And I wish I had told him because I wanted to. I was right on the verge on it…."
"He knew that honey. I doubt that he'd tell you that he loved you if he didn't know it you loved him back. Whether you would actually tell him or not."
"You think?"
"I know."
Almost all at once Lucas had stopped crying. He so smiled, not much. Barely visible and it never quite reached his eyes. I laid back down, curled up slightly and laid my head back against his chest.
"Those are my favorite noises, more beautiful than any kind of music. Your voice, your laugh, your breaths… And then especially, your heart beating. You'd never know how much you can love a noise like this unless you have children yourself… I could lay like this all night."
I really would have liked to just stay like that. In silence except for Lucas's breaths and heartbeats forever. So simple yet bigger and better than any kind of dream one could ever have.
But of course, then there was reality, here and now.
"Uhm… mum. I don't want to wreck this moment. But the sink needs to be cleaned. I can do it. You go and brush your teeth and then lay down. But it really, really smells. I'm not sure how much longer I can stand it without throwing up myself."
"Breathe through your mouth and shut up."
I could as good as hear the way Lucas smiled. After all those tears it was a nice feeling. But maybe not enough to laugh quite yet. And I was happy about it- laughing would kind of had interrupted the sound of his heart beating when I laid my ear back towards his chest.
The steady sound of my son's heart beating was just always something special. More beautiful than any kind of music.
And as long as this heart was beating I knew that so would mine.
Song playing on the radio: Luka- Suzanne Vega
If there are mistakes in the flashback, it might be because while writing it the dog came over and insisted on lying more on my arm than next to it. And she currently won't stop licking my hand. And those would be mistakes á la Yippie (that's her name)
Random fact
-I'm not sure if it was in a scene in the episode, or if it was in the deleted scenes on the dvd's. But there was a scene with Karen being pregnant (the second time around) and she thinks Lucas shouldn't have had to come with her. She then tells him that Keith came with her to like all of the doctor's visits when she was pregnant the first time. Before watching that I had been wondering if it was a bit weird if I made Keith come with her to that mid-pregnancy-check-up. But after watching it then… voila!