Obligatory disclaimer:Merlin and all associated creative properties belong to BBC. I don't claim any said property as my own, and I make no monetary profit from this fan-made story. All creative property not associated with said channel belong to me, and their use is limited to my express permission. Thank you.
Many thanks to sayuri-kikyo editing this.
Past Life
She'd forgotten what day it was.
It was only when she was rescheduling her doctor's appointment, did Morgana remember. And all of a sudden, the quick and awkward glances she had been receiving from her brother and co-workers since she had walked in this morning, finally made sense to her.
The pen between her fingers stilled. Her eyes were staring at the date. It seemed to her as if the numbers were taunting her.
How could she have forgotten the date? How could she have forgotten her wedding anniversary?
Three years. She'd been married to Merlin for three years today and somehow such an important event had completely slipped her mind.
Then again, how could she remember, when the happy memories of her marriage had been tainted with memories that made her hate herself for loving a man who had killed her in cold blood.
Albeit not her, but many years ago, perhaps a thousand years back, another Merlin who had killed another Morgana.
The doctor's assistant's voice pulled her out of her brief daze. "Mrs. Emrys…Mrs. Emrys, are you still with me?"
Morgana shook her head as if by doing so, the cloud of utter heartache that had washed over her would hastily fade away.
It didn't.
However, Morgana still managed to find her voice again. "Can I call you later?" It sounded weak and quivery. At some point, she had started crying.
"Of course." Came the assistant's response. "….Are you all right?"
She sniffled. Morgana smiled, even though she knew that the woman on the other side of the line wouldn't be able to see her. "Yes, thank you."
She promptly ended the call.
There would be more tears, of that Morgana was certain. But if she was going to burst into tears, she'd rather do it in the privacy of her home. Not in here, where the chances of someone walking in on her were strong ones.
Morgana gave herself a few moments to compose herself; she fixed her makeup and quickly gathered her things. She then left her office and went straight to her car.
As she climbed inside, she was grateful that no one had seen her, but most of all she was grateful that Merlin hadn't seen her.
…..
Morgana drove away, wondering if, like her, Merlin had forgotten about their anniversary.
It had been exactly two months since she and Merlin had received those memories. It had happened without warning. It must have been during the night, because she could still remember waking up in the morning with memories that didn't feels hers but were.
She had stared speechless at Merlin who was lying next to her, trying and failing to make sense of them.
Then her husband had opened his eyes. That had been when she had seen it. The recognition.
The hatred. The fear.
The way he had been looking at her hadn't been how he had usually greeted her in the morning. No, it had been the look that the other Morgana had last seen before the light in her eyes had been completely extinguished.
After that, she had screamed.
They learned later that they were the only ones that had gotten their memories back. No one else had. For that, Morgana envied the rest.
Her marriage was ruined. So was her life.
Their family and friends hadn't understood what had happened that had shifted things so radically between them.
Neither of them had told anyone, fully aware that if they had, people would have surely believed that they had lost their minds.
Therefore, they had kept quiet and refused to explain and answer their curious questions.
Inside her bedroom, Morgana cried herself to sleep. When she woke up, she was famished.
However, it seemed that it wasn't just her wedding anniversary she had failed to remember. So, she changed her clothes and left to buy some groceries.
By the time she returned, it was seven in the evening. She noticed that the door of her flat was unlocked. Morgana frowned and wondered if she had forgotten to lock before leaving.
It seemed that she was forgetting quite a lot of things as of late.
Morgana sighed, turned the key and pushed the door open. She walked inside and switched the lights on.
That was when she saw him.
Startled by his presence, she dropped the bags and gasped. "Merlin!" she exclaimed as her hand flew to her mouth. "What the hell are you doing here?"
"I live here." He answered, trying to stand up. After a few attempts, he succeeded.
Morgana instantly realized that he was drunk.
So, he did remember after all.
Should she feel happy about it? She might try to deny it, but it took all her willpower not to smile. But for the sake of looking indifferent, Morgana scoffed and crossed her arms over her chest.
"Where were you?" Merlin asked, approaching her.
"What?" She asked, confused. "What are you talking about?"
He clenched his jaw, "You left work early and I've spent hours knocking on the door. Where were you?"
Hours? She'd been gone for less than an hour. "Committing high treason. I'm trying to find ways to overthrow the queen of England."
His face fell, he was confused. "What?" His brow knitted together in a deep frown. "What did you say?"
Morgana rolled her eyes, and was about to bend down to retrieve the fallen bags when Merlin's expression seemed to sober quickly. "Don't. Let me do it for you."
"I've got it, Merlin."
But he snatched the bags and straightened up, holding the items to his chest. Merlin tightened his hold on them, as though he was afraid he might drop them.
Having him this close to her, Morgana was able to see the redness in his eyes and the paleness of his skin. It was true that both of them still worked together but they had made it their lives' goal to avoid each other.
Morgana pressed her lips together. "I'm quite capable of carrying them myself."
"I'm happy to help." He said and started slowly in the direction of the kitchen. She followed him. Merlin disposed of the bags on the counter and began to unload them. "What you just said…." He was referring to her odd comment.
Morgana shook her head, "It was just a joke."
"I know." He stopped to look at her. He leaned on his elbows, making her wonder briefly if he'd had too much to drink.
"Why aren't you laughing then?"
He resumed his task, "It was lame."
"Well, I'm not known for my sense of humor." She said with a shrug and turned her back to him.
"Morgana," a shiver run down her spine at the vulnerability his tone uncovered.
Morgana looked over her shoulder and the look of complete helplessness in his face matched the pitch of his voice.
"How are you?" He asked, completely abandoning the task of putting the purchased items in their rightful places. After all, he did live here for five years with her.
"I'm fine." She replied curtly.
He nodded his head, hurt evident in his expression. Had she been invested in his feelings, Morgana would have found what she was about to do difficult.
Morgana went to the door, and yanked it open. "You should leave."
"Morgana," Again with that heart wrenching tone, Merlin called her name. He strolled her way and stopped a few feet away.
"Get out."
Merlin took her completely by surprise when he put his hand on the door and closed it. Morgana jumped back. Whatever protest she was about to utter was silenced when he pressed his lips against hers.
He tasted like beer and sweat; she would have kissed him back in a heartbeat if the kiss hadn't felt so…wrong.
It was demanding, rough and it stirred nothing but discomfort within her.
She hastily ended it as she shoved him off her. "Have you gone mental?" she snapped, wiping her mouth with the back of her hand. Still, the taste of him lingered on her lips.
Merlin reached for her again. "Morgana."
She pushed him away. "What the hell is the matter with you?"
"Please," He seemed determined to diminish the distance between their bodies as he ignored her attempt to escape and took another step towards her. "I still love you."
It felt like her entire world had come crushing down. Morgana swallowed, instinctively stepping back.
How how long had she dreamt of this moment? Envisioned it? Waited for it? And prayed for it?
For so long, but despite the fluttering in her stomach and throbbing of heart, she couldn't bring herself to be happy about it. She mustered enough courage to say: "It's not my problem."
Merlin wasn't the type of man who became violent when drunk. She had known him for eight years, during which she could count on one hand the number of times she had seen him drunk, and he was usually clumsy and comical. Never angry. But that was how she was seeing him now.
His expression had shifted, his lips pressed into a thin line and his eyes narrowed. "Do you know how hard it is for me to admit that? To you?"
It must have been very hard.
She would know. "I don't care."
"How could you say that?"
"Because you left me," Morgana snapped, the corners of her eyes filled with tears but she refused to shed them in front of him. "You didn't care when you gathered your things and walked out of this very door. You didn't care that I spent weeks crying day and night over you. You, Merlin, didn't give a damn that you broke my heart. And the worst part was, it wasn't even my fault. You blamed me for something I didn't even do."
Guilt washed over his features, Morgana looked away. She couldn't let herself be affected by this, "I'm sorry," He said weakly, "Those memories…they were overwhelming. I should have reacted differently. We could have learned from their mistakes. We could have corrected them."
Morgana shook her head, "There was nothing that we could have done, Merlin. We are not them. We never were." She paused to breathe in deeply, hoping it would help control her raging emotions. "But we should have talked about it, instead you didn't trust…." Her eyes widened as a thought popped into her head, "You know what? Perhaps I was wrong, maybe we are them. I mean, he didn't trust her with his secret. You, on the other hand, didn't trust me at all. So let's just save ourselves the pain…" Morgana trailed off, shaking her head glumly, "You're late, Merlin. It's far too late for us to repair our marriage. So…" She pulled the door open, "Either you leave or I will." She said quickly before he was able say anything that could alter her decision.
With his shoulders slumped and a forlorn expression on his face, Merlin nodded his head, turned and simply left.
He gave up too quickly, Morgana thought as she closed the door behind him. She tried to ignore the way her heart hurt because of it.
Even though all she wanted was to curl into a ball and open the gates for the tears to cascade down, Morgana was hungry and the need to eat was far stronger than the one to cry. She went to the kitchen, her mind set on making something easy.
However, she hadn't even decided on what to cook when the doorbell rang, interrupting her. Sighing, she answered the door.
It was Merlin.
Irritated, Morgana huffed, "What?"
"I forgot my keys." He said, his hands buried in his pockets.
"What keys?"
"The car keys. I must have left them on the couch."
"Stay here, I'll go fetch them." However, before doing as she said, his words fully registered. Her eyes widened, "Car keys? Don't tell me you drove here?"
He shrugged, "Yeah, I did. So?"
"Were you trying to get yourself killed?" she demanded, worriedly.
"No, not intentionally." He said, leaning against the doorframe. He looked like he was barely keeping himself upward. "What's the fuss all about? Are you going to get me the keys or not?"
Morgana couldn't believe that she needed to point out the obvious to him, "You're drunk and no, you're not going to have the keys. Take a taxi. Go home." She was about to close the door, but she stopped adding, "You do have money, right?"
He hummed a 'yes', "But, the key to the flat is with car key. Same keychain."
Morgana left him by the door and went to search for the misplaced item. However, after minutes of looking, she came up empty. Straightening up, Morgana's gaze roamed over the living room, trying to see if she had overlooked it somewhere.
She spun on her heels, "They are not here."
He was hesitant as he asked. "Can I spend the night?"
Her answer was instantaneous, "No. Use the spare key."
"Gwaine has it and he's not in London."
"What a coincidence!" she said, her tone laced with mockery. "Did you really lose your keys or is this your way…"
He didn't let her finish, "I swear I'm not doing this on purpose."
Morgana didn't know if she believed him, "Go to Arthur then."
"Come on, Morgana," he pleaded, tilting his head, "Have I not humiliated myself enough?"
To be completely honest, he had. She might not want him in her presence, but that didn't mean that she wanted him to spend the night on the street. Despite the fact that she had practically thrown him out mere minutes ago, she ended up agreeing to let him in as she moved away. "I want you gone by morning. I don't want to see your face when I wake up and if you try to kiss me again, you'll regret it." Still, she felt the need to warn before giving him access to what once had been their home.
Merlin smiled, and raised his hands in a gesture of surrender, "I won't."
"Good," she breathed out, stepping away from him and the entrance, "I still have some of your clothes, let me get them. You need to take a shower first."
Morgana left him alone in the living room and headed towards the bedroom to retrieve the items Merlin had left behind when he had departed. It wasn't hard for her to locate them since she had spent the first few days after the event wearing them and crying in them. However, after a week the smell of him had been gone, replaced with the reeking smell of her own tears and sweat.
Morgana was about to exit the bedroom when she noticed that the door of the adjacent room was open and the lights were on.
Her whole body tensed at the thought of Merlin inside. She wrapped her arms tightly around the clothes as she brought them closer to her chest. She took a deep breath, exhaled it, then took another one, before she entered the room.
Morgana found him standing in its center, his back to her. "I'm thinking about getting someone to finish the work." She stepped closer and stopped by his side.
He turned his head to glance at her. He looked miserable. "I can do it myself."
Morgana arched an eyebrow, half-tempted to reject the offer, instead, she said, "Wasn't that exactly what you said before we had those memories?"
"I can still do it, Morgana." His voice wavered as he spoke.
"Can you?"
Merlin looked away from her face. He fixed his gaze on the crib that was yet to be assembled. There was blue paint next to it. The cans were yet to be opened, the walls were still white and the brushes were yet to be used. "Yes. Two months are more than enough time to paint the nursery and get everything ready before the baby's born." By the time he finished talking, his eyes had found her protruding belly.
She was seven months pregnant. There were times when she would try to convince herself that the possibility of her raising this child on her own weren't increasing with each passing day. "Maybe that's what you think now but what if you suddenly change your min—"
"It won't happen," he argued, cutting her off. "Nothing will change. I promise."
She snickered, "Nothing, huh? Like you promised…no, vowed to me- to the world that you'd always love me?" Morgana demanded bitterly. He started to say 'but I told you that I still did', but she added, ignoring him, "Because last time I checked, everything has changed; this marriage, my life. You. So, forgive me for being cynical. You walked out on us once, what's stopping you from doing it again?"
"Enough," He roared, "I didn't walk out on you, neither of you." He pointed towards her midsection. "All I needed was time to think. I still love you and I still love our child. And there is nothing in the world that can change that. Do you understand?" He snatched the clothes from her and swiftly exited the room, leaving her shaking.
"Try not to slip and fall." She called after him.
He stopped by the bathroom's door. "You're afraid I might break something?"
"Your neck," she replied.
"Careful," He said with a small smile, all traces of his previous fury gone, "You sound like you might still care."
"Yeah," she returned the smile, "The last thing I want is for my son to grow up fatherless."
His face fell and he swallowed thickly. Then he disappeared behind the door.
Morgana didn't notice until she was halfway through her dinner that Merlin hadn't emerged from the bathroom yet. She frowned and stood up.
The bathroom was empty, so was the nursery. She contemplated checking the living room, but she was certain that if he had gone there, she would have seen him. She concluded that there was only one place left.
Her bedroom.
Sure enough, she found him sprawled on the bed, snoring. Morgana stood on the threshold and closed her eyes for few seconds.
The sight of him like that took her breath away. For a moment, if felt like old times to her. Him on their bed, sleeping peacefully with the most adorable expression on his face.
Morgana leaned against the doorframe, crossed her arms over her chest and continued to watch him with a small smile on her face. Happy memories played before her eyes and Morgana soon found herself lost in them.
She didn't know for how long she had been standing like that with a distant look on her face. The baby kicked and he pulled her out of her dreamy state. Morgana peered down at her swollen stomach; she rubbed lazy circles on it. She took one last look at Merlin before she retreated to the kitchen, so she could finish her abandoned dinner. She'd think about what she'd do about him later.
Somewhere between doing the dishes and changing her clothes, Morgana chose not to wake him. But considering that there was no comfortable place for her to rest except her bed, she decided to sleep with him.
One last night, she thought, as she gently brought her lips to his. Merlin didn't stir. Her heart ached and she rested her forehead against his, drawing in heavy shaky breaths. "I still love you too." She whispered and waited, hoping that he would hear her confess, yet hating herself for saying those words.
Nothing happened, his breathing continued evenly and she blinked the tears away. She knew that her pride was stopping her from accepting his offer to get back together but her heart…her heart was pleading with her to put an end to the torturous pain. She didn't know which side to take. Even now, hours after she had pushed him away, all she wanted was to have him back. Because she knew that in doing so, by not giving him another chance to redeem himself, she'd be no better than the other Morgana.
With her mind churning, Morgana clung to him, her back to his chest. She grabbed his arm and wrapped it around her midsection. She hoped that she would still find him by her side when morning came. It'd mean that he would still fight for her. For them. And that was all she wanted.
A/N: I hope you liked it. Please leave a review.