Title: 'Twas the Night Before Christmas
Author: Pooky1234
Words: 1250
Fandom: Torchwood
Pairings: Jack/Ianto
Characters: Jack, Ianto, Gwen, Cerys, Cy, Johnson
Rating: PG -14
Warnings: crackfic for Christmas written very quickly.
Disclaimer: I do not own the characters as they belong to Russell T Davies and the BBC. I just like to play with them.
Notes: I just remembered that Elf ianto was part of my longliveianto bingocard. This is pretty rushed and there will be mistakes but I have to write it now. It follows from the last part of the Trouble With Timelords and is set after the Honeymoon story which I haven't yet written. Sorry the pictures won't show on here.
'Twas the Night Before Christmas
He knew that things were going too well. The honeymoon had been wonderful, the rift had been co-operative and the weevils had stayed in their sewers. Even Jack had gotten over being sick all the time and had reached the glowing stage of his pregnancy. It was then that he noticed his ears.
'What the hell?' he said as he looked in the mirror attempting to get his hair under control. Lately it seemed to grow more quickly so he pushed it back behind his ears and did a double take. He turned to see both sides. He wasn't wrong; they were pointy. His ears had actual points like Mr Spock.
'Jack that artefact we rescued yesterday; it didn't transform things did it?' he asked the panic rising in his voice.
'Not that I know of,' Jack yelled back from the kitchen where he was preparing pineapple and cheese on toast – again. 'Why what's the matter?'
Ianto put on his clothes and went downstairs. 'You're sure about that aren't you it's just that I have these.' He pulled back his hair to reveal the points on his ears that last night hadn't existed.
'Shit, they've got bigger.' He rushed into the living room and looked in the mirror. The points of his ears were now above his head.
'I can't go out like this. I'm going to have to wear a hat. When we get to the Hub I want Cerys to give me some tests.' Jack came into the room still eating his toast.
'Don't worry I expect there's a simple explanation. We'd better get moving.' He patted his growing bulge. For now he could still cover it with his coat so he wasn't using the perception filter key that Cerys had made for him. Sometimes it was useful having your own tame Timelord about the place.
'Now, I know I had a hat in here somewhere,' Ianto said as he rummaged in the hall closet. He pulled something out and stared at it.
'Well it's appropriate,' Jack said laughing.
'No, there must be something else. I'm not wearing that,' Ianto said holding the red and green pointed hat at arms' length. Jack's phone bleeped.
'No choice we've got to go. It seems we have a visitor at the Hub and he's asking for you.'
'I just need to get my shoes,' Ianto said. 'I'll meet you in the car. Go on without me.'
Back in the closet he looked for his black shoes but he could find only one pair that were black and they had long curled up toes. He had no choice so put them on, falling over his feet several times on his way to the car. Ianto would usually have just jaunted but with Jack being pregnant it was deemed safer to travel by car.
'Don't ask,' he said when he got to the car. 'Just drive!'
Jack sniggered all the way to the underground garage. There was Ianto with a pixie hat and matching shoes, wearing a grey Armani suit. It was a curious look.
Back at the Hub Cerys, Gwen, Cy and Johnson all stood looking at the man in the red suit. 'I swear if he says ho, ho, ho once more I'm going to shoot him,' Johnson said somewhat tetchily.
Gwen tried to reason with the man. 'Look, who are you really and how did you get in here? Cerys, I thought this place was impregnable.'
'It is or at least it should be.' She ran her sonic screwdriver over the man. 'I can't find anything to indicate that he's an alien and that is really a reindeer with a red shiny nose. So perhaps he is who he says he is. Perhaps he really is Father Christmas.'
At that moment the cog pulled back to reveal Jack and Ianto. The Welshman was finding it hard to walk in his shoes.
'Ah there he is,' Father Christmas said. 'Now, come on young man I need you at the North Pole to supervise the sending out of the presents. NORAD will be tracking me as usual so you'll know where to transport the presents. Your ability to jaunt makes it so much easier for me to distribute everything. I have your costume here, although I see the transformation has already begun.'
With a wave of Santa's hand Ianto's appearance was altered completely. He was dressed in red and green with white fur at the collar of his coat. His green breeches tucked into red and white striped socks. He suddenly felt the urge to dance.
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'No I'm sorry this can't be happening. I look like an elf. I'm not an elf. I'm dreaming this aren't I? Jack wake me up please. This can't be happening.' Ianto looked at everyone in turn. They were all now sniggering.
'Well,' Gwen said pulling out her phone and snapping a few pictures. 'Jack always said that red was your colour but I'm leaning towards green now!'
'Come on, Ianto Jones we need to get going. We've got lots of planning to do and all the lists have got to be checked twice so we know who's been naughty and nice. Captain, I hope you've been a good boy this year.' Jack smiled and nodded.
'Are we really letting Ianto go with this man?' Johnson asked.
'It would appear that Ianto is going to be one of Santa's little helpers,' Jack stated as if that was the most normal thing in the world.
'This should have been explained to you, Ianto. Didn't the Doctor mention it to you at all? This is how I can do it. Obviously the reindeer couldn't pull a sleigh with all the presents on so someone has to keep the sleigh resupplied and that, from now on is you. Now, hold onto Rudolph and let's get going. Captain, I'll return him to you on Christmas morning as good as new and with a haircut. Just follow NORAD and you'll know the time he'll appear.'
'I can't believe I'm doing this,' Ianto said taking hold of Rudolph's horn. 'You do realise that I'm going to have serious words with the Doctor when I see him again.' Jack hugged and kissed him.
'Come on, Cariad the children of the world are depending on you.'
At midnight the next day Jack swore that he heard the jingle of bells on his roof. He tried to stay awake to track the sleigh as it moved across the Earth but sleep overcame him. Waking some hours later he saw the extra present under the tree but got on with preparing his and Ianto's first Christmas meal as married men. Ianto appeared as promised just after midday dressed in his suit with his ears back to normal and the haircut as promised.
'This looks wonderful, Jack. I'm starving. You have no idea what it's like there. It's madness. There are elves and puppets and a Mrs Christmas and …..'
'Across the planet two men sat eating their own lunch a blue box parked nearby.
'You really should have told him,' Father Christmas said.
'I did try but it all worked out didn't it? I told you that he'd be useful. I hope you didn't let him keep the suit. I dread to think what they'd get up to if he was wearing that. I know the Captain.'
It was just as well that he wasn't watching later that day. 'You know Ianto Jones, I think I might have changed my mind; green maybe your colour after all!' It was some time before both men emerged from that kiss and came up for air.