A/N I AM NOT OKAY. Nothing is okay. This last episode was NOT OKAY. I'm still in shock and jesus everloving christ will somebody please tell me I watched the wrong thing? I knew there was something up with Ezekiel but THIS WAS BULLSHIT. GAH. This is freaking ridiculous! HOW DARE THEY LEAVE US HANGING WITH THIS KIND OF CRAP. Ugh. Anyway. This probably wasn't the smartest episode to start writing proper season nine fics with but dammit I needed to vent. Also, I read like a bunch of Dean POV fics tagged to this episode, but none of Sam's, so I figured I might as well fill in the gap. TRY NOT TO CRY. ~Sammy
A sticky-note on your (death)bed
Nonononononono.
Not this.
Not again.
help me i can't do it i can't move can't breathe can't be this again
Not-
i'm caged
Caged.
Again.
tied up broken bound gagged
Except.
It's not fire and ice and cold hands that are too familiar and a silken voice that drips like honey.
It's not whips and chains and the painagonytorture that feels like chaste kisses on cracked and shredded flesh.
It's not-
Not him.
(Why would I be him?)
"There are some things I need to tell you real quick."
there's some thing in me dean
(He is the very reason I was imprisoned.)
"The trials messed you up real bad."
i know something's wrong something's
(He is why I was dishonored.)
"They told me you were gonna die."
i'm gonna die anyway there's a monster in me get it out
(He is why I am doing this.)
"You were in a coma."
no no you said I was fine you said
(You were never fine, Sam. You should see what you look like on the inside.)
"I let an angel in."
it's a beast
(You are a mess.)
"In you."
no
(Broken beyond repair.)
"We don't have time for this."
please no not this
(You are a but a shadow of what you once were.)
"You can kick my ass later."
i won't not now I need your help
('Lucifer's chosen vessel'. How ridiculous. You are but a wraith.)
"You need to dump him."
i can't he's too
(You cannot rid yourself of me now, Sam. I am not him. I am not susceptible to the rush of human emotion.)
"Sam?"
he won't leave tell me what to do he won't
(I guarded The Garden against all evil. I am stronger than one petulant archangel.)
His legs stride back and forth i don't want them to and a hand runs through his hair in mock-agitation it's not me i'm. Dean calls out to him and his hand's moving of its own volition not on its own the monster inside me is and there's that low ominous thump that sounds too familiar because how many times has he punched his brother this way? i can't
(It's too late.)
Even as he walks out of the room, he can hear Dean hitting the floor why can't i catch you and the twisted thing inside him is already halfway up the stairs.
(Just-)
He sees Kevin step away from the table, and he looks exhausted why won't you rest when i tell you to but the kid smiles and greets him anyway.
(Remember that I never wanted this.)
Kevin's hair is soft against his palm.
run
(I have to do this.)
Heat courses down his arm.
(I am sorry.)
Not sorry enough.
(He asked me to pledge my loyalty.)
Because he can feel the light in his hands.
(You understand loyalty, yes? The need for trust?)
He can feel the fore his his fingertips.
(It is strange.)
He can feel the Grace next to his soul.
(It makes you do the worst things. Even if you do not wish to.)
He watches with an expressionless face as the kid- the one he had promised to protect, the one he had let down for a year, the one who forgave him for the abandonment, the one who smiled at him like he wasn't the reason he had lost his chance at normalcy- looks back at him with bewilderment in his eyes.
And then his eyes are nothing but ash.
His scream echoes for one lingering moment.
Sam Winchester breaks.
And all that is left is a yellow post-it.
A/N I'M SORRY I JUST- *weeps profusely* I NEED A HUG. Let me know what you thought in a review, and maybe avoid making me cry anymore? ~Sammy