Mercury Rising
As if it wasn't hot enough with the mercury hitting 90, Lisbon's temperature soared through the roof when Marty the mail man squeezed by her in the corridor. She leaned against the wall panting slightly, temporarily distracted from her phone call with Rigsby.
"Boss, Boss are you alright?" Rigsby's concerned voice echoed in the distance.
Lisbon blanked it all out, transfixed by the toned glutes displayed to perfection in regulation blue jeans. There was no denying that she'd hit another dry patch with the pressures of the work of late and was like a pressure cooker ready to blow. Jeez, if only the bastards could lay off killing each other for a while and give them all a much-needed break. The febrile energy of unrequited tensions was getting to them all apart from Jane, who blithely observed it all with amused detachment.
"Lisbon?" Rigsby stared at his phone checking the line hadn't dropped out.
"Oh, Rigsby. Now, where was I?" Her tongue flicked across her lips as the mailman bent down to pick up some papers, which that hussy Schettrick had brazenly dropped in front of him.
"The benefit Lisbon. You were telling me the arrangements." Rigsby persisted, none the wiser as to the cause of Lisbon's distraction.
Breathlessly. "Yes, of course the benefit. Tell Jane they want the full treatment, fancy dress and all – you know how he likes hamming it up. Besides it's all for a good cause."
Rigsby faltered. "Fancy dress?"
Lisbon wasn't listening, the mailman's unexpected smile in her direction had struck her dumb like Cupid's arrow. Cool, calm, collected Teresa Lisbon had all the composure of a goofy teenager as she smiled back, waving her phone distractedly.
Rigsby's voice nagged away in the background until Lisbon snapped in frustration. "Do I have to spell it out to you? 7.30 sharp and attendance is mandatory, even Cho, and I expect you all to put on a show."
She permitted herself one last lingering look at the mailman's retreating form, before making her way to Minelli's office. The departmental budget meeting Minelli had convened was dry enough to dampen anyone's ardour. She didn't relish locking horns with Bosco over budgets again, playing off the merits of their consultant against his PA. It wasn't as if Rebecca helped them close cases or had some insight into Red John, surely their closed case rate justified Jane's position?
Cho wrinkled his nose in distaste at the news. "Fancy dress, you cannot be serious."
"No exemptions. The Boss was emphatic on that point." Secretly Rigsby always enjoyed a good party and was quite the exhibitionist at heart. Anyone who'd seen his Freddy Mercury could vouch for that. He got caught up in a flight of fancy, imagining Van Pelt as Cristina Hendricks, licking his lips at that thought. It didn't take a mentalist to guess Rigsby's train of thought, as he stood transfixed by the statuesque red head now sashaying toward him.
A day of community liaison work beckoned for Van Pelt, and she was looking particularly fetching in a form fitting skirt, which sent Rigsby's pulse racing. He turned away from her, biting on his knuckles in frustration. He blushed slightly at his improper thoughts about his co-worker and shuffled some papers on his desk to give the impression of being busy.
"Hi Wayne." Grace greeted him in her usually cheery way. "Everyone ready for tonight?"
"Oh, you know already?" Rigsby tried his best to sound nonchalant.
"Of course, I know. I'm picking Lisbon up after her meeting. We'll meet you there." Grace gave Rigsby a puzzled look wondering why he was he acting so strange. She raised a speculative eyebrow in Cho's direction in the hope of some explanation, but all she got was a non-committal shrug in reply.
None the wiser, she made her way to the elevator, looking forward to a break from the stifling heat of the CBI buildings. For all the charm of the building, the air conditioning was prehistoric.
Jane and Van Pelt crossed paths at the elevator. Van Pelt's excitement at the night ahead did nothing to ignite Jane's enthusiasm for the prospect of performing for a bunch of big wigs and disinterested cops. He took solace from the thought of being able to settle a few scores with his act. Bosco's team were already in his sights and given a free rein he'd have them on stage walking like chicken. The only thing that held him back was the faint hope that Bosco might relent and give him access to the Red John files.
His eye's drifted belligerently towards Bosco's office. Perhaps he should have tried hypnotism earlier. Unfortunately, Bosco's innate distrust of Jane meant his guard was always up, and Jane couldn't hold his eye for any length of time.
It was all about finding a man's weakness and exploiting it. Jane knew that Mandy had Bosco on a constant diet, and food was Sam's weakness. Perhaps a dog with kraut or a meatball sub was the way to penetrate his armour.
Jane's disappointment at seeing Lisbon out of the office was compounded by seeing Rigsby looking up expectantly. A tactical sleep was in order, with his renowned biofeedback mechanisms in play Jane was untroubled by the heat and could drop off anywhere, well apart his motel room. Jane just raised his hand in silent acknowledgement of the big man, before taking his place on the couch.
Undaunted, Rigsby tried to engage him in conversation. "Lisbon says we're to pull out all the stops tonight, fancy dress an all."
"All in hand Rigsby." Jane muttered distractedly, before apparently dropping off in a deep sleep.
Rigsby turned his attention to Cho, who was manfully trying to get some work done. "So, who do you think Lisbon will come as?"
Cho ignored Rigsby's opening salvo and carried on typing.
"I know Buffy the Vampire Slayer – Jane could be the watcher."
Cho didn't raise his head from his work, affecting disinterest. "Too blond."
"Princes Leia?"
"Bad hair"
"Lara Croft?
With an increasing weary monotone "Too short"
"I know, Wonder Woman. I can just see her spinning into action."
Cho blinked at that image, recalling the dog-eared poster of Lynda Carter alongside Bruce Lee, on his bedroom wall in his youth. He shuffled uncomfortably; imagining the Boss like that just wasn't right. Falling back on aversion therapy, he clenched his fists to dig his nails into his palms to eradicate that line of thought.
Knowing there was no silencing Rigsby, Cho just grunted in reply before making a strategic exit to go take a cold wash. Even the iceman's legendary cool had its limits.
Rigsby looked around hopefully for someone else to engage with, he could see the gentle rise and fall of Jane's chest as he was catnapping. Rigsby contemplated giving the sofa a crafty kick, but had second thoughts, it didn't pay to mess with Jane.
It was a quiet day in the CBI, they were just tying up loose ends. Rigsby meandered over to the kitchen, remembering there was some left-over pizza in the fridge, always assuming Bosco hadn't scoffed it all again. Hs face fell, when he saw Hicks and Martinez leaning against the kitchen counter on their break.
"Well if it isn't Bert." Hicks drawled.
Rigsby bristled in indignation, before biting back. "Well no guessing who you two and Dyson are going as tonight. It has to be the three stooges."
Hicks and Martinez exchanged a quizzical look. Martinez was just about to speak, when Hicks gave him a quick nudge and a knowing smile crossed Hicks' face. The sly old dog dangled a speculative line to see if Rigsby would bite. "Nah, it's just the two of us. We were thinking more Batman and Robin."
Damn! He'd fancied himself as the caped crusader to Cho's Robin, Rigsby did his best to hide his disappointment. "Well you're hardly the dynamic duo, but the masks would be an improvement."
"What about you and Ernie?" Hicks' eyes twinkled in amusement.
"It's a secret, we wouldn't want to spoil our entrance." Rigsby tossed his head theatrically and departed to the accompaniment of Hicks and Martinez humming "Da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da Batman!"
Jane opened one eye to see what was going on, and spotted Bosco's team doubled up in laughter as Rigsby made his way to the bullpen. Jane gave a quick shake of his head. Rigsby never learned, he kept walking headlong into their traps. Jane quickly closed his eyes, having no intention of keeping Wayne entertained.
Rigsby was determined the SCU wasn't going to be upstaged by Bosco's team, and quickly applied himself to the task of googling the nearest costume hire place. He trawled down their website, discounting Watson and Sherlock Holmes as too passé, he briefly considered Crockett and Tubbs, imagining himself in Crockett's white suit and espadrilles, but it lacked the impact he was looking for. Finally, he found just what he wanted and entered his credit card details muttering " CHARGE IT!"
Lisbon was hardly in the mood for schmoozing after another bruising encounter with Bosco. He just had a blind spot where Jane was concerned. It was no wonder that Jane was driven to extreme measures at times, with Bosco refusing to give him any feedback on the Red John case. Bosco never gave her or her team the credit they deserved. No wonder there was so much animosity between the two units.
Lisbon applied a touch of lipstick and pulled her hair back into a messy knot, grateful to have some cool air on her neck. It was just too damned hot, and the last thing she wanted was to be stuck indoors on a night like this. She wondered what Jane's party trick would be tonight. Always unpredictable he liked to surprise her, citing the advantages of deniability.
Lisbon looked at Van Pelt through the reflection in the washroom mirror. "Did Rigsby pass on the message?"
"Yes, he seemed quite excited about it all – you know he's a big kid at heart." Grace glanced at her watch. "We'd better get going Boss. We're running late, and we don't want to miss the auction. I wonder who Schettrick will set her sights on this year?"
Lisbon rolled her eyes in disgust, wondering how grown women could sink to such depths.
Traditionally Sacramento's eligible bachelors put themselves up for auction at these events, for some it was an ego trip, but most were just following orders from up high. It was supposed to be harmless fun, but Cho and Rigsby had been seriously traumatised the year they were auctioned. Rigsby still paled whenever Schettrick approached.
Jane had slipped into the function early to prepare his pitch, a fancy waistcoat and bow tie being his only concession to the occasion. He watched the comings and goings with interest, trying to pick out the weaknesses of potential volunteers, analysing their body language and mannerisms. For all the smoke and mirrors of his act, it was underpinned by research and observation. Choosing the right people to come on stage was half the battle.
Every year some misguided soul tried to get Jane to participate in the auction, but he steadfastly refused, pointing to the ring on his finger reproachfully. However, he couldn't resist a smile when he saw the list of those up for auction tonight.
Rigsby and Cho were still bickering when the taxi pulled up outside. At first Cho had refused point blank to put his costume on, but Rigsby wore him down until eventually they reached a compromise and Rigsby let him ditch the wig. Like the rest of the team they were running late, and the foyer was empty when they arrived. Rigsby was bubbling with excitement at the prospect of their grand entrance, convinced they'd outshine Bosco's team.
The elevator doors re-opened to allow some latecomers in, and Hicks and Martinez rushed in carrying suit bags, a late callout meant they hadn't had time to change. Hicks stopped dead in his tracks when he saw Cho and Rigsby.
"Well if it isn't Fred and Barney. I have to say you've outdone yourself this time." He looked Rigsby over with a smirk on his face. "Nice legs."
The costumes were kinder to Cho with his shorter stature, but Rigsby's costume exposed rather more leg than was usual. Rigsby pulled down on his costume, conscious it had ridden up slightly. Rigsby had gone the whole caveman with his hair ruffled up and a plastic club in his left hand. Cho stood erect in the corner, staring straight ahead without blinking, refusing to meet Hicks' eyes.
Ultra-competitive, Rigsby was determined to make a grand entrance and as soon as the lift opened he grabbed Cho by the hand and raced towards the function room. Hicks and Martinez followed closely behind, there was no way they were going to miss this.
Rigsby pushed open the doors and leapt into the room "Yabba Dabbo Doo!"
Cho had stopped at the entrance, but a sharp shove in the back from Hicks left him standing alongside Rigsby.
The hum of polite conversation was interrupted by a ripple of laughter as one by one all eyes fell on the unfortunate duo. Rigsby's exuberant entrance had announced their arrival, leaving them nowhere to hide.
"You idiot." Cho hissed as he tried to shuffle backwards, only to find the exit barred by Hicks and Martinez.
Rigsby blinked in bewilderment as he saw the assemble throng in smart attire, he looked in Lisbon's direction but got no comfort from that quarter. Her open jawed look of horror left him in no doubt that he had got his wires crossed somewhere. Van Pelt's look of disdain cut Rigsby to the quick, after all it had been red headed Wilma that inspired the costume choice.
Some raucous belly laughter echoed around the room as Bosco yelled out. "If you're looking for Wilma and Betty they're over here. Van Pelt flushed with annoyance at being linked to Rigsby's stupidity. What on earth had he been thinking of?
Jane chuckled at the ridiculousness of it all, earning a sharp dig in the ribs from Lisbon to silence him.
"What the hell are you doing?" She hissed at Rigsby.
"But you said fancy dress…." Rigsby faltered as her face contorted in anger.
"Well you're here now, we'll just have to brazen it out, pretend it was all planned to add to the entertainment." Lisbon was thinking on her feet, trying to make the best of the situation.
The Mayor made her way over to the group, a rictus smile was plastered on Lisbon's face as she waited for her to speak. "I must say, I admire the way your team has thrown themselves into the spirit of the event Agent Lisbon. After all it's all in a good cause. I believe one of your team is part of the entertainment later as well. I can't wait to see what he has lined up for us."
"Me neither." Lisbon muttered, as the Mayor continued her serene progress glad handing the guests.
The auction loomed, and the men on offer shuffled uneasily like guilty suspects in a line up, wondering who would be bidding for them. Ardilles looked hopefully in Lisbon's direction, but Lisbon's attentions were firmly fixed elsewhere, as much to her surprise Marty the mail man took to the stage.
Lisbon's heart skipped a beat, Marty certainly scrubbed up well. She furtively surveyed the room, picking out the monied women, who would surely set their sights on such a fine specimen. Lisbon's hand drifted down to her purse, and almost without thinking she started fingering her credit card. For all she dismissed the idea as errant nonsense, demeaning to all concerned, her eyes kept drifting back to the Adonis at the end of the row.
She was lost the minute he flashed his pearly whites at her, as if calling out to her to save him. With a sudden resolve Lisbon saw herself as his saviour, it was time to bend the plastic. The bidding had been brisk and all bar two had dropped out of the race. Schettrick winced in frustration at being outbid again, her thin lips turned white as she pressed them together angrily. Brenda glared at Lisbon, wondering how on earth Lisbon could possibly afford to outbid her on such meagre pay.
The Mayor leaned over to Minelli "Why Virgil, I must say Teresa is certainly enthusiastic. Still anything for a good cause."
Minelli forced a smile responding through gritted teeth. "Isn't she just."
"Well done Virgil, I won't forget this." The Mayor patted his arm encouragingly.
"That's just what I'm worried about" Minelli muttered under his breath. He cast a leery look in Jane's direction. Jane could be a loose cannon at the best of times and with the whole team off kilter anything could happen. Perhaps they all needed some time off after all.
Any amusement at Lisbon's antics on Jane's part soon transmuted to a sinking feeling of dread, as he realised he had lost his chaperone. Lisbon dragged her prize away in the direction of the exit, licking her lips in anticipation of a long overdue meal.
"But Lisbon." Jane wailed plaintively as Lisbon brushed him aside.
"Oh man up Jane." Lisbon snapped dismissively, she was a woman on a mission. Jane would just have to find another chaperone tonight.
Jane switched his eyes to Grace. She was always a reliable backup, but she steadfastly refused to meet his eyes. Martinez was looking particularly dashing tonight, and in the interests of interdepartmental collaboration Van Pelt was fostering friendly relations. Rigsby glowered with intent from the side-lines taking it all in, tapping his plastic club slowly against his free hand. Maybe it was the costume, but some Neanderthal instinct had been awoken by seeing Van Pelt consorting with the enemy. It wouldn't take much to provoke Rigsby into action.
Cho meanwhile had taken refuge in a quiet corner and maintained a rigid stance like a statue, as if hewn from the very rock Barney quarried. This was the last time he let Rigsby talk him into anything.
Seeing Jane without his trusty chaperone, the cougars of California closed in on their prey. Jane took a quick look at the exits contemplating a quick dash, but whichever way he turned some cherry lipped predator lay in wait. Jane swallowed deeply, if he was going down he wasn't going down alone. He fixed his eyes on the grinning faces of Hicks and Bosco, they'd been merciless in their taunting tonight. Oh, how he wanted to wipe the smiles off their faces.
Jane's eyes narrowed as his mean streak surfaced, reasoning it was for the honour of the team. Oh yes, Bosco's chickens would be coming home to roost tonight.