title: I Love You Goodbye
author: Ginnie -- 8fanatic@ffextreme.com (Friendster users, add me!) , japoyfanbase@internetdrive.com (Japoy fans on Friendster, add us!)
genre: sap
rating: G
summary: Love makes the world go round. But it's not the only one that does.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
//Sendoh//
I look at the graceful figure lying there in the bed, his naked body covered by a thin blue blanket. Immediately, I am overwhelmed by a strong surge of emotion.
God, I love him. I love him so much.
As I stand here, gazing at him so intently, eyelids flutter open to reveal eyes of a deep cobalt blue. His thin lips curve upward ever so slightly in a smile that gives light to his eyes, telling me all that I felt for him he felt for me as well.
I move toward him, and graze my fingers against his pale cheek. He turns his head, delivers a kiss to my palm.
That simple act, so full of love... It hurts. It hurts me so much that I love this man, and he loves me.
Yet... I can't be with him.
No. Love isn't enough. It never was, is not, and never will be enough.
I close my eyes, willing myself to stop the tears I knew were coming. Achingly, I turn away. His hand grasps mine, asking me not to go, not to leave him again.
"Akira?" he whispers.
I sigh, trying to say the words I know he should hear.
But I couldn't. "Kaede..." Damn, how do I say this? "You know I can't. You and I both know that."
Nice, Akira. Blunt, and straight to the point.
"But why?"
"I just can't."
He knows. I know he does. He's just confused.
As I am.
I stride across the room to the bureau where my shirt, pants, and jacket await me. As quickly as I can I pull them on, and as I do I can feel him looking at me.
"I'll see you tomorrow, Kaede."
Trying my best not to look at him and meet his eyes -- which I know will only make me stay -- I place my hand on the doorknob, open the door, and step outside.
But not before I hear it, delivered in the barest of whispers:
"I love you..."
***********
//Rukawa//
He walks out and closes the door behind him.
I don't know if he heard me. I wish he did.
I turn slightly and stare up at the ceiling.
White. He always wears white shirts.
I feel a pang in my heart at the thought of Akira. Akira playing basketball. Akira walking. Akira biking. Akira smiling at me sincerely. Akira taking my hand in his. Akira looking into my eyes. Akira kissing me. Akira holding me in his arms as we make love. Akira, Akira, Akira.
Yes, I'm in love. I love Sendoh Akira.
Why him, of all people? I always knew that he would never be able to commit to just one. Even before anything happened between us, he was always with at least half a dozen others all at the same time. And when something finally did happen, I had accepted that he'd never be only mine.
I knew that. I still do.
But I allowed myself to hope that there might be a chance.
And for that, I hurt. A lot.
I realize, as I glare at the window of my room, that I didn't mind at all. Akira could stab my heart with hundreds or thousands of knives at the same time -- if that was what he wanted, I would let him.
I never used to feel before. Sure -- anger, frustration, excitement, triumph... Emotions that came to me only when I was on the court, feeling and hearing the ball travel smoothly between my hand and the shiny wooden floor, and disappeared the moment I left the gymnasium. But now... I heave a sigh as I get up off the bed and drag myself to the bathroom to clean up.
Pain, jealousy, passion, lust... Love. So dangerously in love.
I stare at my reflection in the mirror. I never even used to look in the mirror, until Akira told me for the first time that I was beautiful.
I remember, I hit him for saying that. But he told me that even if I kept punching him, he'd still think I was beautiful. "Because you are," he simply whispered. Then he kissed me. So many firsts, that day.
Ever since then I've been trying to see what he saw, trying to find out what made me beautiful in his eyes.
Akira changed me in so many ways. *LOVE* changed me in so many ways.
And for once, I care about something other than being named MVP.
I care about Akira. I LOVE Akira.
I want to feel his body close to mine every night, wake up every morning by his side, spend every moment feeling his love. Give him my everything. Live my entire life loving him.
Love hurts.
***********
//Sendoh//
"Akira."
"Hn?"
"You're so quiet. It's not like you."
Hiroaki takes a seat beside me on the bus. There's an uncharacteristic look of concern in his eyes as he looks quizzically at me.
Briefly, I turn to look at him. I sigh, and continue staring thoughtlessly out the window.
No... maybe 'thoughtlessly' isn't right.
Because I am thinking. About Kaede.
I, along with the rest of the Ryonan team, are heading to Shohoku for a practice game. And as the distance closes between the bus and Shohoku High, my thoughts become more befuddling.
I know in my heart that it isn't fair that I keep doing this. It isn't fair to Kaede -- I would only hurt him again and again by keeping this up. But I just love him so much. Every morning when I wake up, the very first thought in my mind is about Kaede. And he is always the last thing I think of before I finally fall asleep. Each night my head is filled with dreams of Kaede. I want to be with him, love him for the rest of my life. I want to protect my beloved Kaede from everything in this world that might hurt him. But it's hard when the biggest possibility of him getting hurt lies with me.
I feel, rather than see, my best friend lean in towards me so as to make sure we won't be overheard. "Akira. You have a problem. Spill."
How do I tell Hiroaki? How will he understand, when his life is going so perfectly that it's actually annoying me?
"I can't."
"Why not?"
"Because. I just can't."
Deja vu much?
-----------
We arrive at the gym. I take my sweet time gathering my things and alighting off the bus. I want to clear my head before I go in and see Kaede.
The thumping of basketballs and the squeaking of rubber shoes from inside the gym get me all excited, as it always does. In my head, I start to imagine plays that we may use to get through the opposing team's defense more easily this time.
All these disappear the moment our team steps inside the Shohoku gym and I lay eyes on him running across the court, gearing up for what I know would be a slam dunk.
He drops to the ground, wipes his brow, and turns to face the gym doors. Our eyes lock.
Shit. I could've crumpled to the ground, the pain was excruciating.
Funny, isn't it? Typically, a person is supposed to feel all happy inside when he sees the one he loves. But not for me, though.
He gives the curtest of nods, then joins his teammates on their bench, and I join mine on ours.
I don't feel like playing today.
***********
//Rukawa//
Akira.
Given that I am on the court, I can't actually stare at him sitting there on the bench. But I feel his eyes on me as I face his teammates, as I break through their defenses, as I score points for my team.
The game ends. Once again, we win. Out of the corner of my eye, I see him walking toward me.
I turn to him, signal to him that I would meet him outside.
I dress up as quickly as I can, rush out of the gym as fast as my fatigued legs would take me.
Night has fallen. The moonbeams gracefully frame his strong athlete's body and give his unspiked hair a peculiarly attractive luster.
Trying to pretend not to notice him, I walk past him, in the direction of the outdoor court near my house, and he follows, the way we always do.
A short distance from the gate of the court, he catches up to me and places a hand on my shoulder. I look up at him, and feel all my insides melting away as I look into his eyes.
He runs his hand down my arm, entwines his fingers with mine, and pulls me away from the court and in the direction of my house.
-----------
"I love you."
My heart bursts upon hearing these words. "I know... I love you, too, Akira."
"Kaede..."
I look up at him expectantly, willing him to say whatever it is that he wants to. He hesitates, then shakes his head and just pulls me close. "Nothing," I hear him whisper.
He sighs. He's been sighing an awful lot lately.
"What is it?"
I wish he would just tell me.
"Kaede. I've been thinking."
"About?"
"About this. About us."
"And?"
He meets my gaze for the slightest of seconds, then looks away. "What I'm doing to you. Kaede, you have to believe me when I say I love you. I really do. In all honesty, I have never loved anyone as much as I do you!"
I take his hand. "I do believe you. You don't need to tell me to believe you, I already do." I squeeze his hand slightly. When he doesn't return it, I feel my chest constrict.
"Kaede, koi... It's hard enough as it is..."
Come on. Just tell me. Please, Akira.
"It's unfair of me to do this to you."
"Do what?"
"This!" He stands up and faces me. "Being with you every night, holding you close and telling you that I love you. I enjoy doing what I do -- I *love* doing what I do -- but you know as well as I do that... that -- "
"That something isn't right."
A moment of silence passes between us.
"No. No, I don't know. Tell me why. Why is it unfair? I don't understand, Akira. I don't understand at all."
"I don't either, but... Kaede, I can't keep doing this to you."
"Why?"
"Kaede, please... I told you, I don't understand it either. But it has to stop. *I* have to stop."
No, no. Somebody stop him, please. Don't let him say what I think he's going to say.
Don't say it, Akira. Please...
"I'm sorry, Kaede. But... I think we have to..."
"No."
"Pardon?"
"No. That's all I'm saying."
I look down at my hands, now clasped on my lap. Tears sting my eyes.
He kneels in front of me, trying to look me in the eye. "Kaede, please. This is as much for you as it is for me. It's the kindest thing I could do for you."
I don't believe this. I'm too... Sad? Despaired? Whatever. I just can't speak right now. A million things are going through my head. I need to say something. Anything to make him stay.
But words have left me.
So gently that it makes my tears fall, he takes hold of my face. With trembling fingers, he wipes away the trail of wetness that has streaked down my chin.
"It hurts me as well, Kaede. But we have to do this." He kisses my forehead, and I know he is serious about this. Hesitating, but serious enough that he would do... Whatever 'this' is.
"But... Akira... I need you too much. I love you." That's all I can say.
"And I you. Since I started loving you, I never stopped. And I won't."
I'm extremely touched at his words.
"And because I love you, Kaede, I can't bear the thought of being with you, promising you forever when I know I can't give it to you. We have to say goodbye."
Go ahead. You say it. I won't.
I'm not letting go.
When I don't say anything, Akira stands up and starts to go.
Much as I did yesterday, I reach for his hand. But now... I know I don't have to say anything. He knows.
"Let go, Kaede."
No. I tighten my hold on his hand. I won't.
"Please, Kaede... Let go..."
A fresh wave of tears falls down my face. Maybe, I think, maybe he'd stay if I cried. Maybe he would stay to kiss away my tears, tell me to stop crying because he would cry if I didn't stop. But to no avail.
He pulls a little harder than I expected, and frees his hand.
I don't want to. But I have to let him.
It's... what he wants. And I always told myself that if he wanted something of me -- whatever it would be, I would give it to him
"I love you..." I whisper, for what might actually be the last time.
He stops at the door.
***********
//Sendoh//
No, Akira. You will not stay.
You've done what you had to. Go already.
But I can't.
I know that by staying, I'm only letting him hope. And if he keeps hoping because of me, I'd only hurt him more.
"I love you, Kaede. Goodbye."
And that's it. Before I change my mind, I stride out of his bedroom door.
I climb down the stairs and out the front door. Using the keys that he had given me a long time ago, I lock the door.
Okay. Where to leave them?
I look up. His window is open.
I aim, and throw the keys through the window. Perfect shot.
He doesn't lean out. I don't even see him near the window.
Doing my best not to look back, I climb into my car and drive away, a single song running through my head all the way home.
I can't give you forever. But I promise you this.
I love you, Kaede. So much that it hurts.
Goodbye...
***********
//Rukawa//
I hear him start his car. Making sure not to let him see me, I peer out of the window through which he tossed his copy of my house keys.
I watch his departure, all the way around the corner. Stop to see if there's any oncoming car. None? Okay, good. Go.
Goodbye, Akira...
~*~end~*~
I LOVE YOU GOODBYE
performed by Teresa Garcia, Fifth Placer Star In A Million
Wish I could be the one
The one who could give you love
The kind of love you really need
Wish I could say to you
That I'd always stay with you
But baby that's not me
You need someone
Willing to give their heart and soul to you
Promise you forever
Baby that's something I can't do
Oh I could say that I'll be all you need
But that would be a lie
I know I'd only hurt you
I know I'd only make you cry
I'm not the one you're needing
I love you goodbye
I hope someday you can
Find some way to understand
I'm only doing this for you
I don't really wanna go
But deep in my heart I know
This is the kindest thing to do
You'll find someone
Who'll be the one that I could never be
Who'll give you something better
Than the love you'll find with me
Oh I could say that I'll be all you need
But that would be a crime
I know I'd only hurt you
I know I'd only make you cry
I'm not the one you're needing
I love you goodbye
Leaving someone
When you love someone
Is the hardest thing to do
When you love someone as much as I love you
No I don't wanna leave you
Baby it tears me up inside
But I'll never be the one you're needing
I love you goodbye
I love you
Goodbye...
author: Ginnie -- 8fanatic@ffextreme.com (Friendster users, add me!) , japoyfanbase@internetdrive.com (Japoy fans on Friendster, add us!)
genre: sap
rating: G
summary: Love makes the world go round. But it's not the only one that does.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
//Sendoh//
I look at the graceful figure lying there in the bed, his naked body covered by a thin blue blanket. Immediately, I am overwhelmed by a strong surge of emotion.
God, I love him. I love him so much.
As I stand here, gazing at him so intently, eyelids flutter open to reveal eyes of a deep cobalt blue. His thin lips curve upward ever so slightly in a smile that gives light to his eyes, telling me all that I felt for him he felt for me as well.
I move toward him, and graze my fingers against his pale cheek. He turns his head, delivers a kiss to my palm.
That simple act, so full of love... It hurts. It hurts me so much that I love this man, and he loves me.
Yet... I can't be with him.
No. Love isn't enough. It never was, is not, and never will be enough.
I close my eyes, willing myself to stop the tears I knew were coming. Achingly, I turn away. His hand grasps mine, asking me not to go, not to leave him again.
"Akira?" he whispers.
I sigh, trying to say the words I know he should hear.
But I couldn't. "Kaede..." Damn, how do I say this? "You know I can't. You and I both know that."
Nice, Akira. Blunt, and straight to the point.
"But why?"
"I just can't."
He knows. I know he does. He's just confused.
As I am.
I stride across the room to the bureau where my shirt, pants, and jacket await me. As quickly as I can I pull them on, and as I do I can feel him looking at me.
"I'll see you tomorrow, Kaede."
Trying my best not to look at him and meet his eyes -- which I know will only make me stay -- I place my hand on the doorknob, open the door, and step outside.
But not before I hear it, delivered in the barest of whispers:
"I love you..."
***********
//Rukawa//
He walks out and closes the door behind him.
I don't know if he heard me. I wish he did.
I turn slightly and stare up at the ceiling.
White. He always wears white shirts.
I feel a pang in my heart at the thought of Akira. Akira playing basketball. Akira walking. Akira biking. Akira smiling at me sincerely. Akira taking my hand in his. Akira looking into my eyes. Akira kissing me. Akira holding me in his arms as we make love. Akira, Akira, Akira.
Yes, I'm in love. I love Sendoh Akira.
Why him, of all people? I always knew that he would never be able to commit to just one. Even before anything happened between us, he was always with at least half a dozen others all at the same time. And when something finally did happen, I had accepted that he'd never be only mine.
I knew that. I still do.
But I allowed myself to hope that there might be a chance.
And for that, I hurt. A lot.
I realize, as I glare at the window of my room, that I didn't mind at all. Akira could stab my heart with hundreds or thousands of knives at the same time -- if that was what he wanted, I would let him.
I never used to feel before. Sure -- anger, frustration, excitement, triumph... Emotions that came to me only when I was on the court, feeling and hearing the ball travel smoothly between my hand and the shiny wooden floor, and disappeared the moment I left the gymnasium. But now... I heave a sigh as I get up off the bed and drag myself to the bathroom to clean up.
Pain, jealousy, passion, lust... Love. So dangerously in love.
I stare at my reflection in the mirror. I never even used to look in the mirror, until Akira told me for the first time that I was beautiful.
I remember, I hit him for saying that. But he told me that even if I kept punching him, he'd still think I was beautiful. "Because you are," he simply whispered. Then he kissed me. So many firsts, that day.
Ever since then I've been trying to see what he saw, trying to find out what made me beautiful in his eyes.
Akira changed me in so many ways. *LOVE* changed me in so many ways.
And for once, I care about something other than being named MVP.
I care about Akira. I LOVE Akira.
I want to feel his body close to mine every night, wake up every morning by his side, spend every moment feeling his love. Give him my everything. Live my entire life loving him.
Love hurts.
***********
//Sendoh//
"Akira."
"Hn?"
"You're so quiet. It's not like you."
Hiroaki takes a seat beside me on the bus. There's an uncharacteristic look of concern in his eyes as he looks quizzically at me.
Briefly, I turn to look at him. I sigh, and continue staring thoughtlessly out the window.
No... maybe 'thoughtlessly' isn't right.
Because I am thinking. About Kaede.
I, along with the rest of the Ryonan team, are heading to Shohoku for a practice game. And as the distance closes between the bus and Shohoku High, my thoughts become more befuddling.
I know in my heart that it isn't fair that I keep doing this. It isn't fair to Kaede -- I would only hurt him again and again by keeping this up. But I just love him so much. Every morning when I wake up, the very first thought in my mind is about Kaede. And he is always the last thing I think of before I finally fall asleep. Each night my head is filled with dreams of Kaede. I want to be with him, love him for the rest of my life. I want to protect my beloved Kaede from everything in this world that might hurt him. But it's hard when the biggest possibility of him getting hurt lies with me.
I feel, rather than see, my best friend lean in towards me so as to make sure we won't be overheard. "Akira. You have a problem. Spill."
How do I tell Hiroaki? How will he understand, when his life is going so perfectly that it's actually annoying me?
"I can't."
"Why not?"
"Because. I just can't."
Deja vu much?
-----------
We arrive at the gym. I take my sweet time gathering my things and alighting off the bus. I want to clear my head before I go in and see Kaede.
The thumping of basketballs and the squeaking of rubber shoes from inside the gym get me all excited, as it always does. In my head, I start to imagine plays that we may use to get through the opposing team's defense more easily this time.
All these disappear the moment our team steps inside the Shohoku gym and I lay eyes on him running across the court, gearing up for what I know would be a slam dunk.
He drops to the ground, wipes his brow, and turns to face the gym doors. Our eyes lock.
Shit. I could've crumpled to the ground, the pain was excruciating.
Funny, isn't it? Typically, a person is supposed to feel all happy inside when he sees the one he loves. But not for me, though.
He gives the curtest of nods, then joins his teammates on their bench, and I join mine on ours.
I don't feel like playing today.
***********
//Rukawa//
Akira.
Given that I am on the court, I can't actually stare at him sitting there on the bench. But I feel his eyes on me as I face his teammates, as I break through their defenses, as I score points for my team.
The game ends. Once again, we win. Out of the corner of my eye, I see him walking toward me.
I turn to him, signal to him that I would meet him outside.
I dress up as quickly as I can, rush out of the gym as fast as my fatigued legs would take me.
Night has fallen. The moonbeams gracefully frame his strong athlete's body and give his unspiked hair a peculiarly attractive luster.
Trying to pretend not to notice him, I walk past him, in the direction of the outdoor court near my house, and he follows, the way we always do.
A short distance from the gate of the court, he catches up to me and places a hand on my shoulder. I look up at him, and feel all my insides melting away as I look into his eyes.
He runs his hand down my arm, entwines his fingers with mine, and pulls me away from the court and in the direction of my house.
-----------
"I love you."
My heart bursts upon hearing these words. "I know... I love you, too, Akira."
"Kaede..."
I look up at him expectantly, willing him to say whatever it is that he wants to. He hesitates, then shakes his head and just pulls me close. "Nothing," I hear him whisper.
He sighs. He's been sighing an awful lot lately.
"What is it?"
I wish he would just tell me.
"Kaede. I've been thinking."
"About?"
"About this. About us."
"And?"
He meets my gaze for the slightest of seconds, then looks away. "What I'm doing to you. Kaede, you have to believe me when I say I love you. I really do. In all honesty, I have never loved anyone as much as I do you!"
I take his hand. "I do believe you. You don't need to tell me to believe you, I already do." I squeeze his hand slightly. When he doesn't return it, I feel my chest constrict.
"Kaede, koi... It's hard enough as it is..."
Come on. Just tell me. Please, Akira.
"It's unfair of me to do this to you."
"Do what?"
"This!" He stands up and faces me. "Being with you every night, holding you close and telling you that I love you. I enjoy doing what I do -- I *love* doing what I do -- but you know as well as I do that... that -- "
"That something isn't right."
A moment of silence passes between us.
"No. No, I don't know. Tell me why. Why is it unfair? I don't understand, Akira. I don't understand at all."
"I don't either, but... Kaede, I can't keep doing this to you."
"Why?"
"Kaede, please... I told you, I don't understand it either. But it has to stop. *I* have to stop."
No, no. Somebody stop him, please. Don't let him say what I think he's going to say.
Don't say it, Akira. Please...
"I'm sorry, Kaede. But... I think we have to..."
"No."
"Pardon?"
"No. That's all I'm saying."
I look down at my hands, now clasped on my lap. Tears sting my eyes.
He kneels in front of me, trying to look me in the eye. "Kaede, please. This is as much for you as it is for me. It's the kindest thing I could do for you."
I don't believe this. I'm too... Sad? Despaired? Whatever. I just can't speak right now. A million things are going through my head. I need to say something. Anything to make him stay.
But words have left me.
So gently that it makes my tears fall, he takes hold of my face. With trembling fingers, he wipes away the trail of wetness that has streaked down my chin.
"It hurts me as well, Kaede. But we have to do this." He kisses my forehead, and I know he is serious about this. Hesitating, but serious enough that he would do... Whatever 'this' is.
"But... Akira... I need you too much. I love you." That's all I can say.
"And I you. Since I started loving you, I never stopped. And I won't."
I'm extremely touched at his words.
"And because I love you, Kaede, I can't bear the thought of being with you, promising you forever when I know I can't give it to you. We have to say goodbye."
Go ahead. You say it. I won't.
I'm not letting go.
When I don't say anything, Akira stands up and starts to go.
Much as I did yesterday, I reach for his hand. But now... I know I don't have to say anything. He knows.
"Let go, Kaede."
No. I tighten my hold on his hand. I won't.
"Please, Kaede... Let go..."
A fresh wave of tears falls down my face. Maybe, I think, maybe he'd stay if I cried. Maybe he would stay to kiss away my tears, tell me to stop crying because he would cry if I didn't stop. But to no avail.
He pulls a little harder than I expected, and frees his hand.
I don't want to. But I have to let him.
It's... what he wants. And I always told myself that if he wanted something of me -- whatever it would be, I would give it to him
"I love you..." I whisper, for what might actually be the last time.
He stops at the door.
***********
//Sendoh//
No, Akira. You will not stay.
You've done what you had to. Go already.
But I can't.
I know that by staying, I'm only letting him hope. And if he keeps hoping because of me, I'd only hurt him more.
"I love you, Kaede. Goodbye."
And that's it. Before I change my mind, I stride out of his bedroom door.
I climb down the stairs and out the front door. Using the keys that he had given me a long time ago, I lock the door.
Okay. Where to leave them?
I look up. His window is open.
I aim, and throw the keys through the window. Perfect shot.
He doesn't lean out. I don't even see him near the window.
Doing my best not to look back, I climb into my car and drive away, a single song running through my head all the way home.
I can't give you forever. But I promise you this.
I love you, Kaede. So much that it hurts.
Goodbye...
***********
//Rukawa//
I hear him start his car. Making sure not to let him see me, I peer out of the window through which he tossed his copy of my house keys.
I watch his departure, all the way around the corner. Stop to see if there's any oncoming car. None? Okay, good. Go.
Goodbye, Akira...
~*~end~*~
I LOVE YOU GOODBYE
performed by Teresa Garcia, Fifth Placer Star In A Million
Wish I could be the one
The one who could give you love
The kind of love you really need
Wish I could say to you
That I'd always stay with you
But baby that's not me
You need someone
Willing to give their heart and soul to you
Promise you forever
Baby that's something I can't do
Oh I could say that I'll be all you need
But that would be a lie
I know I'd only hurt you
I know I'd only make you cry
I'm not the one you're needing
I love you goodbye
I hope someday you can
Find some way to understand
I'm only doing this for you
I don't really wanna go
But deep in my heart I know
This is the kindest thing to do
You'll find someone
Who'll be the one that I could never be
Who'll give you something better
Than the love you'll find with me
Oh I could say that I'll be all you need
But that would be a crime
I know I'd only hurt you
I know I'd only make you cry
I'm not the one you're needing
I love you goodbye
Leaving someone
When you love someone
Is the hardest thing to do
When you love someone as much as I love you
No I don't wanna leave you
Baby it tears me up inside
But I'll never be the one you're needing
I love you goodbye
I love you
Goodbye...