Suspicion
Joker was locked away in his lab working on his next big plan for Batman. He had been of a singular mind for weeks upon weeks preparing something mind-blowing for his nemesis. He had been so absorbed in his scheming that he had barely slept or eaten. He suddenly became aware of his neglect of the latter as his stomach growled angrily and a hunger pain pinched his insides. He threw open his lab door and yelled down the hallway.
"Haarrlleeyyyy!"
He was used to the silly little nincompoop immediately responding to him. She should have been running down the hall asking what she could do for him, but the only thing that answered him was silence. Perhaps she hadn't heard him.
"HAAAARRRRRLLLLLEEEEYYYY!"
He waited with crossed arms, his foot rapidly tapping the hardwood flooring. When thirty seconds had passed and he still received no response he threw his arms into the air in annoyance and stomped down the hallway to find the useless ditz.
"Harley I swear, unless you're dead or dying you had better answer me or so help me-"
He stopped when he reached the kitchen table and saw the note sitting there.
'Puddin,
Running errands. Be back by 6.
Love and kisses,
Harley XOXOXO'
He sighed. He supposed he'd have to make his own lunch. As he prepared a sandwich his brain became cognizant of the fact that this was the third time this week Harley had gone missing in the afternoon. He realized he had been ignoring her to the point that he was barely aware she existed recently, but his brain worked at breakneck speed and even if it wasn't at the forefront of his mind the information was still stored for later use. Now that he thought about it, this was the third week in a row she had been missing in the afternoons. That seemed odd. Usually she was flitting around the lair vying for his attention and making a general nuisance of herself.
He glanced up at the clock, it was only one o' clock. What on earth could she be doing that was going to take her five hours to accomplish? Eventually, as he munched on his ham and cheese, his thoughts shifted moving on to more pressing and interesting matters than his dingbat girlfriend.
Later that afternoon he heard Harley return from her errands. She was knocking about in the kitchen, likely preparing their dinner. He walked down the hallway, leaned against the door frame and quietly observed her. Her expression was an odd. She seemed happy but it was more than that. She had that satisfied almost heavy lidded look to her. It vaguely reminded him of the way she looked after sex. He didn't like it.
"Harley." She jumped, startled, and held a hand to her heart.
"Jeez Louise, Puddin. You scared me half to death!"
"Where have you been?" She turned away from him to fill a pot with water, answering him over her shoulder.
"Running errands Pud. Didn't you see my note?"
"Oh I saw it Poobear. What kind of errands were you running dearest?" he said mildly sarcastically.
Her eyes darted around a bit and she wouldn't meet his gaze, using the preparation of their meal to serve as a distraction so she wouldn't have to look him in the eye.
"Ah, you know, just the same stuff I always do to keep things running around here Pud. Shopping and whatnot."
His brow creased as his lips pressed together into a firm line. She was a horrible liar, always had been, and right now she was lying through that perfect white smile of hers.
"Really? So what did you buy today, Pumpkin?"
He noticed her hands shaking as she moved the pot of water to the burner on the stove.
"Um, well mostly I was checking out the sales but I had to order a cow from the butcher. It'll be here tomorrow." He shook his head and had a puzzled look on his face.
"A cow?" She giggled and finally met his eyes.
"Not a live one, Pud. Two sides of beef for Bud and Lou." Taking care of the hyenas was not his job so he had no idea what she fed them or how often.
"How long will that last?"
"About two weeks. So, how is your plan for Batsy coming?"
He smiled widely, Harley was rarely interested in his plans until it was time to execute them. It pleased him. He launched into a description of his recent work as she finished preparing their meal, which he took into his lab with him to eat in peace. As he stabbed a potato with his fork he had an epiphany of sorts. Harley, that sneaky little minx, had derailed his interrogation of her earlier by playing to his ego. She was up to something. Where could she be going three days a week? And why when she came back did she have that strange satisfied look on her face?
His mind kicked into high gear as scenarios ran through his brain. How long had it been since he and Harley had been intimate? He had to think back and realized it had been the better part of two months since they'd shared a bed. His nostrils flared as it hit him. She was running around on him. She was doing it right under his nose and didn't think he'd figure it out? He couldn't believe his simpleminded dunce of a girlfriend thought she could cheat on him, the Joker, and get away with it! So he'd been preoccupied with work and hadn't been giving her all that much attention, that didn't mean she could just go out and get a piece on the side! He was incensed. His hands curled into tightly balled fists and the vein on his forehead began to throb. He was tempted to walk down the hallway and beat her within an inch of her life. He realized he had absolutely no proof she was cheating on him, but by God he would. He pushed his plate aside and stormed into the henchmen's barracks.
"Lewis! Get your ass over here. Now!"
Their regular driver raised his head quickly, fearing for his life. He had no idea what he could have done to piss Joker off but he certainly didn't plan on angering him further. He dashed over to his boss.
"What's up bossman?"
"Where have you been driving Harley in the afternoons for the past few weeks? Don't lie to me or it's your ass." Lewis was taken aback. He had no idea what was going on but he didn't want to be caught up in the middle of it.
"Harmony drycleaners on Grand Avenue."
Joker was confused. Why was she being dropped off at a drycleaners? Was she banging one of the clerks? Maybe there was an apartment above the store and that's where her little boy toy lived?
"And you pick her up at the same place?"
"Yes sir. I drop her off at noon and pick her up at five thirty Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays."
"She ever mentioned why she has you bringing her there?"
"No sir. She hasn't uttered a peep about it and I know better than to question her. I'm the driver. I drive you where you want to go and the why is none of my business."
"The next time you drive her I want you to call me before you get here. Understood?"
"Yes sir, J-man. I'll call you."
Joker avoided Harley for the rest of the day and the following. He was afraid he'd lose his temper and strangle her until her eyes popped out of her head. He wanted the satisfaction of catching her red handed and then strangling her until her eyes popped out of her head.
He paced his office for the better part of the morning on Friday. He'd been fixated on this Harley business for the past two days. His mind had run amuck during that time and he had imagined all manner of disgusting scenarios that his treacherous, two-timing, soon to be dead ex-girlfriend had been getting up to behind his back. Just before noon Lewis called him to let Joker know that he was on his way over to pick up Harley. Joker grabbed his long barreled pistol, a box of ammo and a pair of binoculars and headed out to get into one of the cars. He passed Harley in the hallway.
"Where ya going Pud?" He turned and glowered at her.
"None of your God damn business, Harley!"
He slammed the door behind him and Harley stared at it open mouthed. She shrugged, it wasn't the first time he'd ever woken up on the wrong side of the bed for no good reason. A few minutes later Lewis arrived. She got into the car and they headed off. Joker was tailing them at a distance. As Lewis pulled in front of the drycleaners, Joker parked across the street a half of block away. He pulled out his binoculars and focused in on his deceitful lover.
He watched as she exited the vehicle and entered the store. The only thing Harley was carrying was a fairly large handbag that was slung over one shoulder. She walked up to the counter and began talking and laughing with a small Asian woman who seemed pretty familiar with Harley. The small woman pressed a button, moving the clothing around the track until she found what she was looking for. She allowed Harley to step behind the counter. One by one she picked up different garments, putting back the ones she didn't want until she settled on two plastic covered items. She came back around the counter, paid the woman and left the store with the garments draped over her shoulder, two fingers looped in the hangers.
She was smiling as she exited the store and Joker watched as she walked a block down the road and entered a coffee shop. He slowly pulled the car forward and parked so he could get a better look. She made a beeline for the ladies room. He waited impatiently, binoculars glued to his bloodshot eyes. A woman with short red hair styled into a cute pixie hairdo exited the bathroom. He almost ignored her but did a double take realizing it was his Harley. She was wearing a charcoal gray pencil skirt, a pastel pink fitted button down blouse and strappy black high heels. She was wearing a wig and had a pair of glasses perched on her nose.
"What the crap is this all about?"
Why was she in disguise? Then it hit him. It had to be so no one recognized her, that way she could carry on with her infidelities without fear of discovery. That duplicitous tramp! When he got his hands on her he was going to tear her limb from limb. She stood in line and ordered, chit chatting with the barista, who also seemed to know her fairly well. She paid and took her paper cup of coffee outside. She took a cautious sip of the hot liquid, turned right and sashayed down the road on her high heels, ass and hips swaying with each step. Joker was utterly disgusted with her. The lengths she was going through just to carry on an affair was astonishing. Once she got far enough away he slowly followed her, trying his best to not be noticed by her. She was smiling and oblivious, too wrapped up thinking about the second-rate fornication she was about to participate in, no doubt.
She walked to a strip mall that was mostly occupied by small medical offices. She entered a set of double doors and he lost sight of her. He pulled into the parking lot stopping in front of the doors and reading the lettering.
New Hope Counseling and Behavioral Sciences - Gerard Stapleton Psy.D., Terri Sannino Ph.D., Jessica Seaborn Ph.D.
Joker was flummoxed. She's seeing a shrink? Why was she seeing a shrink, why would she be hiding it from him and why on earth would she go through all the trouble of the crazy disguise in order to do it? He parked across the lot and stared at the front doors. A session was usually an hour, two at the most so he'd wait until she was done, confront her and get to the bottom of this debacle. Joker impatiently waited in the car, changing the radio stations and fiddling with the climate controls. He had seen patients coming and going for hours but there was still no sign of Harley. So his theory that she was seeing a shrink was out, she'd had to have been done by now. That left him thinking about other possibilities. Maybe she was banging this Gerard guy whose name was on the door. Why else would she be in a shrink's office for, he glanced at his watch, three hours already. That had to be it. She liked those doctor types, had dated one when she first started at Arkham in fact. He'd killed the guy for it of course, but it was the only explanation that made sense. So she'd book an appointment, meet with Dr. Geri and bare her soul to him along with everything else!
He seethed as he thought about it. The idea of someone else touching his property made him crazy. Well, crazier at least. How dare she? After everything he'd done for her! That ungrateful, traitorous trollop was really going to get it! He couldn't wait anymore. He loaded his gun and shoved it in the waistband of his pants. It was broad daylight but Joker did not care. He was finishing this right now.
He stormed across the lot, pulled open the double doors and entered a quiet waiting room. It was a boring shade of beige with brown chairs lining the walls. Therapeutic new age music was being piped in from the sound system in the ceiling. There were two people waiting for their appointments and a receptionist at a small desk in front of him. All three looked up and drained of color at seeing the Clown Prince of Crime standing in front of them. He turned to the two patients.
"Get out!"
They wasted no time but sprung out of their chairs running hell for leather towards the front doors. Joker spun on the receptionist. She was a young girl, probably not more than twenty years old. She was cowering under her desk. Joker walked behind it, grabbed the girl by the collar and yanked her onto her feet. She was blubbering and quietly praying to God to save her. He levelled his eyes at her.
"Answer my questions like a good little girl and I'll let you live. Lie or fight me and I'll kill you where you stand. Nod if you understand." She nodded. "There was a woman who came in here at 12:30. Red head, short hair, long legs, nice ass. Where is she?" He roared. The young lady pointed down the hall at one of the closed doors. "Thanks kiddo. Oh and by the by, that whole 'I'll let you live' spiel? I lied."
He grabbed her head and twisted, breaking her neck with a sickening crack. He dropped her and she slumped lifelessly onto the waiting room floor. He tiptoed down the hallway until he was standing in front of the door the receptionist had pointed to. The name plate on the door said Dr. Jessica Seaborn Ph.D. Once again Joker was puzzled. He had expected her to be in the male doctor's office. A dark thought occurred to him. What if she's not cheating on him with a guy, but a girl instead? He wasn't quite sure how he felt about that at first. On one hand, every guy has had the ménage trois fantasy at least once or twice in their lives. On the other hand, she was still screwing someone who was not him and that was unacceptable.
Joker took a deep breath and threw open the door. He stood in the doorway completely discombobulated. He wasn't quite sure what the hell was going on here. There was a shocked looking young man lying on a typical therapy couch, similar to the ones the shrinks have in their offices in Arkham. Harley was sitting across from the man in a chair, legs crossed, notebook on her lap and pen at the ready. Once the patient registered who had busted in on his session his face morphed into an expression of pure terror and he tried to hide under the couch. Harley on the other hand just looked pissed and annoyed. Joker stared at her, mouth agape trying to put the pieces together.
"Harley, what the hell is going on here?" She rolled her eyes to the ceiling.
"What does it look like Mistah J?" He looked back and forth between his girlfriend and the cowering young man.
"Um, I'm not really sure. I had expected to walk in on something else. This is just… weird. Help me out here Harls." She stood from her chair and grabbed the young man's hand.
"Brian, you can go now, sweetie. The Joker won't hurt you, will you Puddin?"
"Fine, fine, he can go. Just please explain to me what in blinking blue blazes is going on here!"
Brian bolted out the door like an Olympic sprinter. Harley could already hear sirens in the distance. An annoyed grunt escaped her as she stared at her boyfriend in irritation. She put her hands on her hips.
"I really hope you have a car with you Mistah J, cause you just brought the heat down on us!"
He grabbed her hand and dragged her to the parking lot. He looked at her across the roof of the car and noticed, out there in the sunlight, that she had green contact lenses in her eyes. He shook his head and got into the driver's seat as Harley got in on the passenger side. The sirens were growing louder, closer. Joker stomped down on the accelerator and peeled out of the lot.
"So Harls, you better start talking. What the hell is all of this?" She sighed heavily and looked over at him.
"Look Mistah J, I know how important your work is to you. It inspires you and makes you feel fulfilled. I get that. That's why I've been doing my best to stay out of your hair, but you gotta understand something. While you're locked away in your office or lab, the only thing I have is Bud and Lou for company, and let me tell ya, their conversational skills leave a lot to be desired. It's been lonely around the house lately and I realized I had nothing of my own that inspired me or made me feel fulfilled. So I gave it some thought and you know what I realized Pud?"
"Not even remotely, Harley"
"The thing that inspired me and brought meaning into my life, before you that is, was practicing psychiatry. I realized I really missed it. I was a good shrink, Pud. I had a gift, one that was going to waste. So I came up with Dr. Jessica Seaborn Ph.D., bought a fake medical license and credentials and got the job at New Hope. It felt good to have something that was my own. I've been helping people and it was nice for a change. Plus, I figured it would give you more peace and quiet to do your own work, so it was a win-win, right?"
"But why the deception Harley? Why didn't you just tell me?"
"Really? You really need to ask?" He gave her a sideways glance as he drove.
"Well, obviously Harl."
"Because of you. Any time I've ever tried to have something that's mine and only mine you always screw it up for me. I don't know if you do it on purpose or if you're just that insensitive and oblivious, but you do."
"Oh come on, give me a little credit here Harley."
"Oh, so if I told you I was going back into medicine you wouldn't have laughed in my face and teased me about it constantly until I gave the idea up, just like you have with everything else I've ever tried to accomplish?" He shrugged.
"Well sure, I would have laughed and maybe I'd have poked a little fun at you, but come on Harls. Your medical license was revoked and you spend at least six months of every year as a resident at Arkham so the idea of you practicing again is pretty damn funny Poobear." He chuckled and she glared at him across the car. He coughed and tried to wipe the smile off of his face.
"See, and this is exactly why I didn't tell you. I had hoped, since you don't seem to want me around lately anyway, that you wouldn't even notice I was gone and that maybe, just maybe, I could have my career back again. I just wanted to have something that made me feel good about myself and it did. It gave me a sense of satisfaction I haven't felt in a while now. It was nice to have people to talk to and interact with. I thought maybe I could even make a few friends. I should have known it was just wishful thinking." She sighed heavily. "Well, the jig is up now that you busted in and blew my cover. Once GNN gets ahold of this, I'll never be able to get away with it a second time."
She sighed again and rested her chin in her hand as they crossed the Sprang Bridge. Joker felt a teensy bit guilty. He hadn't meant to foil her little plot, but how the hell was he supposed to know?
"Well, I'm sorry about that Pumpkin, but how was I to know you were practicing again? I had a completely different idea about what you were up to."
"What the hell did you think I was doing then?" He ran a finger around his collar.
"Well, Poo, I uh, well I thought you were having an affair." Her eyes grew to the size of saucers and she stared at him with her jaw slack.
"WHAT? Puddin, how could you ever think that about me? I would never! I thought you knew that already. I'm a one man loon. You're the only guy for me, Mistah J." She said as she gazed at him in adoration.
Well that made him feel a little better about his whole mess. They got back to the ha-hacienda and headed inside. Bud and Lou were excited to see their masters and jumped up on them, tongues lolling from their sharp toothed mouths.
"Hey babies." Harley said with little enthusiasm.
She scratched them both behind the ears and walked to the kitchen to feed them. Joker followed behind her with his hands in his pockets feeling like a bit of a shitheel. Not only had he ignored her to the point she sought out a career of her own, but then he inadvertently ruined it for her in one fell swoop.
"Look Harley, I realize this is little consolation at this point but I really am sorry I blew your cover. If it makes you feel any better, I thought you were a fantastic shrink." She spun to look at him in awe her eyes sparkling.
"Really? You're not just saying that?" He gently placed his hands on her narrow waist.
"You were the best shrink I ever had. You were so good in fact, that I decided I had to seduce you and move you in with me. Now, that's really saying something baby."
"Aww thanks for that Mistah J. That really means a lot to me." He waggled his eyebrows at her suggestively.
"I have an idea Pumpkin. How about we have a good, old fashioned session together, just like the old days back in Arkham." He winked at her as she smiled slyly and wrapped her arms around him.
"I think that's a great idea Pud. With a little help from Freud, I think we may just be able to uncover the root of all your problems Mistah J."
He slung an arm around her shoulders and led her towards their bedroom where he worked very hard to make this whole misunderstanding up to her.
-Fin
A/N – So I was trying to fall asleep last night and this idea just popped into my head. I thought it would be perfect in short story format. I know I promised Legacy II next and I'm working on it currently, so you can just kind of look at this as a bonus. Hope you all enjoyed it.