Sammy,
I know it's stupid of me. All of a sudden I decide to write, after all this time that had passed.
But I think I just needed some time, to think. To wrap my head around everything. And that's what I did.
You were… Right. All along.
I should've told you this before, I should've mentioned it when you could've been here and hear it.
I should've told you more often how much I love you, I know I didn't say it enough- hell, I barely said it at all.
I love you, and I will always love you, no matter what.
And… you're the best brother anyone could ask.
It's become pretty hard here since you've gone; Bobby as well as Cas are pretty emotional now. Which is a surprise, because none of them is like that in general; but they kinda broke.
And me?
I just can't think about anything.
There are days when I wake up but I don't move from bed.
I just stare at the ceiling for hours.
I feel empty, as though a hole of emptiness was created after you've gone, and swallowed every moment, anything human left inside me.
I feel like I'm dead from the inside.
There's almost nothing that can tie me to this world.
There's near to nothing that can justify the fact that I'm still alive.
I miss you, ma. I miss the pranks, and the fights, and the rebellion you sometimes created against me and the rest of the world.
I miss those days of the crappy motel rooms, the bad food; because although it was very lame, it was with you, so I didn't mind, you know?
Sometimes I go to sleep, get into bed and half-expect you to show up and talk and ask me where I have hidden your toothbrush this time.
I remember those faces you used to make every time I said something you didn't like.
I see you do one of those faces. It looks so real, that it's even more disappointing and hard when the vision of my imagination fades.
Do you remember Lisa and Ben?
At the beginning I deliberated, I thought that maybe, maybe I'll do well in this normal life.
But apparently normality isn't something I'm good at.
I just. I can't.
When I was reminded of them it reminded me more things, that I don't want to remember, and I realized that each time I'll look into Ben's eyes, each time I'll kiss Lisa, no matter how good and right it will feel for a moment, later will come the memories and will come the regret.
And I can't make these two go through this road again.
So in the meanwhile, I'm here. Barely.
Cas calls me Shadow, and he should, because I feel like a shadow, like a tiny piece of what I used to be when you were here.
So I just hope that you're in a safe place. That you aren't suffering. That you see us and follow our lives, my life – what's left of it.
And I hope that you're waiting for me.