In which I have to study for a Zoology exam, but I wrote this instead (I am so failing that subject). I've been craving for a fic ever since I read the latest chapter which was full of HitsuRuki by the way. And so this was born, a very angsty piece featuring Toushiro because we all know that he was angsting so bad during that chapter.
Tried writing in second person for this one, and I like how it turned out. But I probably won't be trying this writing style any time soon, it's a bit too emotionally taxing. Dur hur. Oh, and a little shoutout to MimmaMell-san whose fic actually inspired me to start writing this.
Warnings: Copious amounts of angst. OOC-ness.
Disclaimer: If I owned Bleach, I'm pretty sure that HitsuRuki would be canon.
Never Yours
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"O-Onii-sama, where are you—" You hear her start to say when you turn away from Kurosaki's fight, and there's a hint of panic clearly written on her pretty little face and all you want to do is to wipe that away. But you don't, because you can't. You're not allowed that luxury because you're just the grumpy little Captain of the Tenth Division and you're not worthy to even think about getting her, and besides, you know that you've slammed that door in front of her face a long time ago without a second thought, so you're not allowed to want.
But you do anyway, because you're a masochistic little boy who's madly in love with the masochistic little girl who's madly in love with a worthless human boy.
And you're both so pathetic that it's laughable.
You don't laugh.
"We were tasked only to see Kurosaki Ichigo through his decision." Byakuya tells her sternly, orders her to stop her mindless twittering for Kurosaki. And you kinda hate the older Captain for putting out the light in her eyes, even as you offer him a silent thanks inside your head for being able to do what you can't. For being able to stomp on her wild and valiant hopes without a sense of regret, and without the fear of her hating him back in return, because no matter how much of a bastard Kuchiki Byakuya is, he holds an ace card that you will never have. He has a part of her heart on the palm of his hand, while you hold nothing
And isn't it just unfair?
You hear Zaraki say something or other to the older Kuchiki, but you tune them out effortlessly. They're not important. What's important is the broken look on her face and the dimness in her eyes. So you open your mouth, let it run foolishly like the asinine cravings of your silly heart; your silly little heart that keeps on wanting what it will never have. Because as much as you tell yourself that you don't care, that you can't care, that you shouldn't care for the pretty little shinigami with the wide violet eyes, you find yourself unable to stay away.
"In Soul Society," You begin, trying to make it sound like it's because of duty that you're telling her this and not because of the fact that you just can't stand to see her looking so hurt. "We knew that if a new Substitute Shinigami appeared—that sooner or later, Ginjo would turn his attentions towards him and when that happened, we were always going to use that Substitute Shinigami as bait to lure Ginjo out. In due time, we would erase both of them. At least that was what we Captains had agreed to do." But then you got involved, you think but don't say as you gaze at her unabashedly, the scowl on your face hiding the giddy feeling inside your stomach. You have her whole attention and your heart beats just a little bit faster, but then you realize that it's not because of you.
And your heart slows down because of that.
It hurts, but you still carry on with your little speech, if only to stave off the sadness in her eyes for just a little while longer. You'll offer her momentary comfort; because that's the only thing you can do, even if there's no guarantee that she'll even take it. You talk, and talk, and talk, and talk, and talk, until your throat hurts and you run out of words to say, but that's okay because the spark in her eyes are returning. "Kuchiki," You say, the name tasting bitter on your tongue because it's not the name that you want to call her by. "You reacted unfavourably when ordered to observe Kurosaki Ichigo." You always do, is the unspoken comment that lodges itself in your throat.
She looks at you with a staggering conviction that your throat dries up, and you feel your knees turn into jelly at her stare. The girl has so much power over you and she doesn't even know it and instead throws all her attention to a silly human who will never love her back the same way that you do.
You hate Kurosaki Ichigo for that little fact.
"Kurosaki Ichigo learned the truth—and chose," You're still speaking and her gaze never leaves you, and it's only because of the fact that you're talking about him. "That choice was truthful to both the Ichigo we knew, and also the Kurosaki Ichigo that you…" Loved, is what you refuse to say, knowing that she loved the crass human was one thing, but accepting it is another so you don't say that wretched word, stomps on it until it is no more in your vocabulary, "believed in." You choke out, even as tears prick painfully at your eyes and your heart complains loudly inside your chest.
And it is funny because you're both in the same predicament; you're both stuck in some tasteless tragic love story. But then you realize that you're not even really part of the story to begin with, that you're just an ego-centric brat in the background, that you will never, ever, ever have the pretty little Shinigami with the wide violet eyes.
So when she looks at you with the slightest semblance of a smile after your stupid speech, your heart breaks just a little because Kuchiki Rukia will never be yours.
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Fin
A/N: Angsty fic is angsty. I even got myself horribly depressed after writing this.
Comments? Suggestion? Violent reactions? Leave me a review.