Seriously though, if you find this posted ANYWHERE ELSE other than PLEASE TELL ME SO I CAN SUE THE CRAP OUT OF WHOEVER THE HELL DID IT. Yes, I can do it.
Question is, who the hell would bother? \oO/
But yeah, if I find this somewhere else, Ima unleash mah internets on you.
And you'll like, die.
Yeah.
This uh, text was written at 3 a.m.
Okay.
After conducting an online poll amongst various individuals who, unfortunately, will not be named, we(I and several imaginary friends) have decided to come up with this.. Text. My brain fails to create a title for this.
I'm not quite sure what the hell this is supposed to be, or why I wrote it in the first place, but whatever.
I lied to you.
This text was created to cater to the needs of you, the casual fanfiction dot net visitor. After months and months of slavishly traversing the savannahs of south africa.
Or not.
So,
IS THIS WHAT YOU WANT IN A FANFIC?!
Yes it is.
Let's see.
1. Swearing.
Fuck fuck fuck, shit. Gotten that out of the way, NEXT.
2. Sex.
"Vincent callously brushed his hair to the side, eyeing his lover, lovingly. (Poetic license) He smiled and said to her:" Yuffie, darling, this will be the best you've ever had. I GUARANTEE IT". He proceeded to tease her with his tongue, slowly moving down from her exposed br(OOPS CANT SAY THAT IN A CHRISTIAN FANFIC), making her moan in ecstacy.
He savored her body, taking it's sweet, grassy scent, the little curves, those small, perky b-cup (CANT SAY THAT EITHER) tracing letters of the alphabet on her thighs with his tongue, teasing her, watching her reaction(Moaning in ecstacy, kthx.
3. A plot twist. Also, House. House is awesome.
"Vincent, I can't take this much longer, I'm getting hornier. And hornier. And hornier. Give it to me, full force, all three holes. Right now. No questions asked. Go on, Vincent, do it".
Intimidated by his lover's sudden outburst, the man in the red cloak went limp.
"Yu-Yuffie ;;, do we have..
Before Vincent could finish his sentence, Yuffie used her incredible ninja speed/reflexes to get behind him, and take off his pants. She placed a kunai to his neck, and made like Naruto, or whatever ninjas do when they place kunais to someone else's neck. I don't know, but they're still awesome.
"When a lady says do her, do her. Or do we have to do this the hard way?"
No response, Vincent remained completely limp.
"Darling? Darling? ...Oh, god, not another one."
A passerby dialed 911, and an ambulance arrived at the scene, and took
Dilated pupils, loss of pigmentation in the skin, lack of fashion sense, photophobia.
"Crap crap crap crap crap! I was supposed to lose my virginity today!", said Dr.Kisaragi, who was actually Yuffie, and added 'Dr.' to her last name so she'd sound cooler.
"Differential diagnosis, people! What've you got?" - House.
" Holy shit, it's lupus." - Foreman
" Hell yes, LUPUS!" - Chase.
" What do you mean? Couldn't it just be trauma from the expe...Wait, fuck that. HELL YES, IT'S LUPUS" - Cameron.
" FUCK YEAH SEA... I MEAN, LUPUS" -House again.
And they all had sexy time. Regardless of the bad male-to-female ratio, they all had sexy time.
And Yuffie? Yuffie was pissed.
" I LOVED YOU VINCENT, WHY DID YOU NEVER LOVE ME?! WHY COULDN'T YOU LOVE ME? WHY DIDN'T YOU LOVE ME? WHY?!"
She slammed her fists on the ground in remorse. Me? Yuffie Kisaragi? Rejected? Not next time. Her feelings would be reciprocated the next time, and she'd make damn sure of it. The next little bastard who ventured near her, she'd make damn sure he'd replace Vincent, and give her crusty old.. thing, the action it needed.
Suddenly, lasers appeared out of nowhere, and gundams began to fire rocket missiles, and Vincent broke down the wall. Even though he couldn't move, but it's MY fic, so Vincent breaks down the wall.
4. Suspense.
Then, the ceiling nearly collapsed.
5. No more suspense, ZOMG, MORE TOT PWISTS.
Then the ceiling collapsed. And they were not able to sex. Vincent said:" No! I must sex the Yuffie!" But the radio crackled:" No, Vincent, you are the Yuffies". And then Vincent was a zombie. But Halo would not stand for it! He could not allow this madness to continue! Vincent? No way! A zombie? In a role-playing game like Final Fantasy VII?!
6. Conspiracy theories.
How?
Why?
Was it because the ceiling was actually an experimental polymer created by the Umbrella coperation to spawn ZOMBIES all over the world?!
Was it because Yuffie was/is a zombie and her vagina wasnt really a vagina but actually a NINJA weapon that she was using to incapacitate Vincent so that she could get a sperm sample from him?
What was that sperm sample for?
Was Yuffie playing for the other team?
Wouldn't that explain why her hair's so damn short and she always wore green?
Was the psycho thing all an act?
Wasn't Vincent a zombie?
Wasn't Vincent a vampire too?
7. Conflict.
Q:"Do zombie vampires exist?"
"No"
"Yes they do"
"No"
"Ok."
Bitten by a zombie vampire
8. Revelation.
Flying sharks. Shit's awesome. All of you are screwed.
9. Conclusion.
You're still reading this.
THERE IS SOMETHING WRONG WITH YOU.
10. Cliffhanger.
To be continued... OR IS IT?!
Credits:
Me. - Darker Zen -
Credit for the story goes to me. (Bored, and had nothing to do)
Credit for the characters go to Square Enix, Microsoft, I do not own them in any way, etc etc,
Credit for the imaginary poll goes to me.
Credit for the credits section goes to me. Pime taradox, whoo.
Amount of time spent on this: Half an hour.
Flame as much as you want :D
Or praise it for being indescribably epic and causing women around the world to simultaneously climax, whatever suits you :p