Title: The Perfect Man
Characters: Don Quixote Doflamingo, Gecko Moriah, Boa Hancock, Draculae Mihawk, several hapless, nameless marines.
Pairing(s): One-sided Luffy/Hancock, implied Mihawk/Shanks
Warnings: Boy love, crack, Don Quixote's vulgarity, hints of spoilers up to Marineford, Don Quixote.
Setting: Marineford, shortly before the war. All the warlords (shichibukai) are gathered in one room. Don Quixote Doflamingo gets bored.
Disclaimer: I don't own One Piece

"Man, this is boring." Don Quixote Doflamingo complained, idly twitching his thumbs and consequently defenestrating a marine lackey. Gecko Moriah peer out the destroyed window curiously, wrinkling his nose when he saw that the body was too mangled to be salvaged.

"Men…" Boa Hancock sniffed in utter contempt. Doflamingo rolled his eyes at her.

"Since you seem to hate all of us so much, what is your idea of a perfect man, Hancock?" The blond asked her.

Mihawk expected Hancock to tell Doflamingo that there was no such thing as a perfect man, and that it was a contradiction in terms. Kuma Bartholomew was the only warlord who wasn't surprised when her eyes went starry and a flush appeared on her finely sculpted cheeks.

"Strong, with black hair, he doesn't care what the world thinks of him, he has his own sense of justice, unpredictable, wears a hat…" She listed with a girlish giggle. Mihawk raised an eyebrow, and Moriah childishly mimed puking. Only Doflamingo seemed interested.

"Sounds like Freak-Eyes." He snorted in amusement.

Hancock kicked him and Mihawk sent him a rather intimidating glare.

"Don't you dare compare my beloved to that…that man!" She shrieked, leaning her head back in her ultimate looking down technique.

Doflamingo wiped away the blood from where she had kicked him, and held up his hands in a gesture of surrender. (Consequently, two marines stabbed each other, leaving the bodies mostly intact, much to Moriah's delight.)

"Calm down, Boa-babe! Sheesh, defensive much…" The blond grumbled. Hancock glowered for another moment, but took her seat again when Doflamingo's attention seemed diverted.

"So, Freak-Eyes, who's your ideal woman?" Doflamingo asked, still obviously bored.

Mihawk looked at him.

"Or man; I'm not one to judge." The blond amended, sweeping a hand across his pink feather boa. (No marines died, much to Moriah's disappointment.)

"…" Mihawk turned his gaze away, in obvious dismissal.

"Don't get so touchy Freak-Eyes. I just want to know what would attract a man like you? Blond, brunette," Doflamingo listed off, counting on his fingers, "redhead?"

Something in Mihawk's expression much have changed, even though Mihawk didn't feel it himself, causing the other warlord's eyes to light up with glee.

"Redhead. Saucy! Man or woman, Eyes?"

Mihawk made no answer.

"Man. Gotcha. Never would have taken you for a queer, but then how many people would guess that I'm straight." He laughed as if he had made a great joke.

"Now, is your ideal person real or purely fantasy?"

Mihawk rolled his eyes.

"Oh? He's real? Must be something special to have caught your freaky eyes." Nerve grating cackles echoed in the small room. "Who could it be? Kuma, any ideas?"

Kuma Bartholomew remained silent.

"No? Didn't think so." Doflamingo put his hands on the back of his head. "Boa-babe, how about you?"

Hancock looked at him, innocence shining in her blue eyes, obviously in the midst of a woman's love-fantasy.

"Nevermind. Go back to your beloved."

Hancock happily obeyed.

"So, what famous red," Doflamingo's voice slowed, "heads…No! Not the Redhead!"

Doflamingo's maniacal laughter filled the room once again, and several of the Marines standing outside backed away from the door.

"That's too good! Freak-Eyes and Red-Haired! Ha!" He roared.

Mihawk kept his expression steady and irritated.

"Don't worry Freak-Eyes." Doflamingo told him when Mihawk could stand it no more and stood to leave the room. "Your secret's safe with me."

"…"