AN: Another little project that I began and will probably never finish. Takes place in a silly little AU world full of plot holes where the Uchihas are happily thriving in Konoha and apparently all the evil supervillains are super chill and not trying to murder everyone.

Warning: CRACK

Notes:

-chan: the suffix generally used with familiar people or to people younger than you

-san: the suffix generally used to show respect

-sama: the suffix generally used to show super respect, like to a lord

teme: a derogatory way to address someone

dobe: loser/idiot

Edit: 5/21/2013 to fix the line breaks.

Tsunade looked down at the Konoha Academy schedule Shizune was shoving under her nose in mild confusion. "What is it?"

"M'lady, the Academy's supposed to have a shinobi guest speaker once a week," Shizune announced.

"So what?" the Hokage demanded, snatching the papers away from her assistant.

"You'll have to send some shinobi for this afternoon. Iruka-sensei said he was too busy to find a speaker."

"I guess I can find a couple of ninja to assign to a D-rank," Tsunade conceded, tossing the papers aside. "What's the topic today?"

"Doujutsu, m'lady."

Tsunade glanced down at the list of available ninja. "Send Uchiha Sasuke and…Hyuuga Hinata," she decided, pushing the papers off her desk without a second thought. "Next!"

"Alright class, we have a really exciting topic today. It's about doujutsu. Does anybody know what doujutsu is?"

A hand shot up in the air. Iruka smiled at the owner of the hand, a small white-eyed girl. "It's eye jutsu!" she breathed excitedly. "Just like mine."

"That's right, Haruko."

Haruko beamed excitedly.

"And today I'm proud to introduce two of my former students who are experts on this subject, Uchiha Sasuke and Hyuuga Hinata!"

Slight applause as Sasuke stalked into the room and Hinata followed him, trying to hide in his shadow. Then a potent silence as two of the most awkwardly taciturn shinobi in Konoha stood in front of the room, one sporting an annoyed glare and the other nervously poking her fingers together.

"…So, uh, Sasuke-san, what's your doujutsu called?" Iruka prompted, trying to break the awkward tension.

"Hn," the Uchiha grunted in response.

"…uh, okay, class, does anyone know what Sasuke-san's doujutsu is called?"

Complete and utter silence for about thirty seconds before Iruka answered his own question. "It's called the Sharingan, guys. Sasuke-san, will you show us?"

Sasuke wordlessly activated his characteristic red pupils, three tomoe spinning around lazily. The class gasped in amazement, clapping.

Iruka prodded Hinata, forcing her to move from her hiding spot behind Sasuke's slouching form. "And does anyone know what Hinata-san's doujutsu is called?"

Haruko excitedly thrust her hand up in the air. "Byakugan!" she squealed excitedly.

"That's perfect. Hinata-san?"

"O-of course," Hinata replied with a shaky smile. She made several handsigns and the veins around her eyes bulged. The entire class immediately began craning their necks to try and glimpse the infamous Byakugan.

"Hinata-san, I'm afraid you'll have to look up at the class so they can see," Iruka said patiently.

Sasuke hid a smirk at Hinata's embarrassed blush as she lifted her eyes from the floor to show the class. "S-sorry!" she exclaimed.

"And does anyone know what the Sharingan can do?" Iruka asked the class, shooting Sasuke a "please-say-something" look. Most of the class shook their heads, not having an Uchiha year mate.

Sasuke scowled at the class's ignorance. "It can analyze the jutsu of other shinobi."

"What does that mean, Sasuke-san?" one of the boys breathed, looking admiringly at the red pupils.

He thought about it for a moment, trying to find the most concise and impressive answer. "I can copy other jutsu and cast genjutsu."

"Will you show us, Sasuke-san?"

"Yeah, please show us!"

"C'mon!"

The Uchiha sniffed in annoyance, twitching at their high-pitched voices. He would, in fact, love to demonstrate one of his more violent genjutsus, but instead shrugged indifferently.

Iruka was beaming at the class's enthusiasm. "Why don't we have a demonstration outside? How about it, Sasuke-san?"

"Hn," Sasuke grunted.

Iruka took that as an affirmative grunt. "And what about you, Hinata-san?"

Hinata had managed to slide back behind Sasuke again, and jumped as Iruka addressed her. "O-okay," she agreed reluctantly, wondering when class would end. At least she hadn't fainted yet; the clan would be terribly embarrassed if she fainted because of twenty-odd children.

"Okay, class, let's go to the play yard!"

Sasuke didn't waste any time and leapt out the open window to escape the excited chatter. Hinata fled behind him, glad to get the students' eyes off her for a minute.

The class rushed to the play ground, where Sasuke was brooding under a tree, and Hinata was lurking behind the same tree.

Iruka smiled kindly at a little girl. "Will you do something for Sasuke-san to copy?" She nodded and rushed forward excitedly, doing a weird sort of jig-dance.

The annoyed expression on Sasuke's face became a murderous one as he watched the little girl finish her twirling frenzy. Iruka had to hide a grin. "Well, Sasuke-san, think you're up to the task?"

"Che," Sasuke sighed, not moving from the shade of the tree.

"Aw, c'mon!"

"I bet he can't do it," one of the kids whispered. "Pathetic."

Sasuke twitched, trying to decide between shaming himself or…shaming himself. He gritted his teeth and stepped into the middle of the kids, performing the humiliating dance.

The class gave him a raucous round of applause, poor repayment for what he had just done. He shot the entire class a murderous glare and shoved his hands into his pockets violently.

"And now it's Hinata-san's turn!" Iruka announced when the applause had died down. Hinata reluctantly appeared from behind the tree. "And what can your Byakugan do?"

"A-ano…B-Byakugan can…see things," Hinata stuttered.

A few of the people in the class snickered. "That's stupid!"

"Hey, don't insult Hinata-sama!" Haruko snapped, smacking one of the bad-mouthers on the head. "It can do lots of things, right? Like look at far away things, or through people's clothes!"

An ominous hush fell when the class heard that.

"Can it really see through clothes?"

"Heh, okay, class, let's not ask Hinata-san to do inappropriate things—" Iruka began, but it was too late.

"What color underwear is Sasuke-san wearing?" a little girl asked, obviously a fangirl despite her young age.

"I d-don't th-think I sh-should answer th-that…" Hinata politely began.

"C'mon, don't be stupid, Hinata-chan, show them!" a new voice exclaimed. The entire class turned its heads towards the approaching figure, whose trademark orange suit identified him as Naruto.

"N-naruto-kun…" Hinata whispered, blushing heavily.

"Naruto, don't encourage them," Iruka hissed, rounding on the shinobi, who merely flashed a sunny grin.

"I bet she can't do it!" a few doubtful classmates sneered.

"Yeah, she can!" Haruko insisted. "Hinata-sama's the best, and when I become a kunoichi, I'm going to protect her! Show them, Hinata-sama!" she pleaded as her classmates sniggered at her.

Hinata's eyes slid to the green brand on Haruko's forehead marking her as a Branch house member, and then to the dark, disbelieving looks of Haruko's classmates. The little girl's eyes began to tear up at her classmates' jeers. Iruka was too busy trying to restrain Naruto from causing any more trouble to help Haruko. She smiled sympathetically at Haruko, shot Sasuke an apologetic look and whispered, "Byakugan!"

Now, Sasuke was in an interesting predicament. He had woken up this morning to an annoying messenger giving him an "emergency mission", which turned out to be this stupid, D-ranked "teach-the-kids" fiasco. He had tried to get dressed, only to find that every single pair of underwear in his house had disappeared. He had tried to borrow Itachi's underwear, only to be turned down.

"Sorry, Sasuke, someone stole all my underwear," Itachi replied in that same apathetic manner that he used to do everything, from murdering enemies to dicing tomatoes. He set off on his ANBU mission, unfazed, and apparently underpantsless.

Sasuke had even asked his father, who had replied in puzzlement that his underwear had also disappeared. His mother, on the other hand, had cheerfully replied that she had some extras in her dresser. Sasuke had checked her dresser, seen the unbelievably lacy numbers (why was his mother wearing this stuff? She was forty, for God's sakes!), and decided to obtain his underwear from elsewhere.

Unfortunately, he had been running too late for this mission to stop by the clothing store, and had had to come directly to the Academy, where he was now standing, underwearless, with a Byakugan-user turning her eyes towards his groin.

"Don't do it, Hyuuga," Sasuke growled in a dangerous tone, narrowing his red eyes.

Too late. Hinata released a little squeal of horror, covering her eyes.

Thank God he hadn't been wearing his mom's underwear.

"What did you see?" the class asked excitedly.

"T-t-t-t-too m-m-m-much!…U-uchiha-san…isn't w-wearing underw-wear," Hinata squealed, clutching at her eyes and trying to hide her blush.

The entire class burst into laughter, Naruto included.

"That's so much cooler than the Sharingan!"

"The Sharingan is so stupid."

"Sasuke-san doesn't wear underwear," the little fangirl sighed, giggling happily. Her friends laughed along with her.

"What happened to your underwear, teme?" Naruto howled, flashing a mischievous grin and revealing himself as the underwear thief.

"Language, Naruto!" Iruka admonished.

"Why don't you check the flagpole, Sasuke?" Naruto continued, pointing to the school flagpole. Every single pair of Sasuke's, Itachi's, and Fugaku's underwear, branded with little flames and Uchiha fans, was flapping gently in the wind. How Naruto had managed to infiltrate the Uchiha compound and accomplish such a feat of sneakiness, no one knew, not that Sasuke was too concerned about that at the moment.

"Dobe!" Sasuke growled, leaping at the prankster. Naruto skipped out of the way, disappearing in a puff of smoke before Sasuke could exact revenge.

Iruka settled the class down by bellowing "QUIET!"

The class, unused to seeing Iruka's rage, settled down immediately.

"So class, what did you guys think?"

"Awesome!"

"What's better, the Sharingan or the Byakugan?" an innocent little boy asked.

A class full of six-year-olds is a poor judge of jutsu quality, and would much rather have the ability to look at people's underwear than to copy stupid dances.

"The Byakugan, duh!" Haruko exclaimed. The class muttered an agreement.

"A-ano, Uchiha-san i-is an e-excellent shinobi, m-much b-better th-than me," Hinata defended, trying to make up for her earlier transgression. Sasuke shot her a murderous look, letting her know that she wasn't off the hook.

"Yeah," Sasuke's new fangirls piped up. "Sasuke-kun's awesome!"

"Show us who's better!"

"Yeah! Fight, fight, fight!" the class chanted.

Sasuke was all too happy to comply. He unsheathed his katana and leveled it at Hinata's chest. "Ready to be humiliated, Hyuuga?"

"Sasuke, there's no need to do that," Iruka said soothingly, trying to break the two shinobi apart.

"Come on, Hinata-sama! Show them what you're made of!" Hinata glanced at Haruko's expectant little face again, and then at Naruto, perched high upon the flagpole watching the chaos unfold eagerly. Determination lit her soft features.

"I'll do m-my best," she acquiesced, bowing slightly to Sasuke. She glanced at Iruka, who sighed wearily and nodded his consent.

"Keep it friendly, you two," he warned.

"Byakugan!" she called out, veins bulging around her eyes for the third time. The kunoichi settled into her jyuuken stance.

Sasuke didn't waste any time casting a particularly nasty genjutsu. He smirked when he saw her freeze, trembling slightly at the paralyzingly awful illusion he had cast upon her. The Uchiha scoffed at the easiness with which he had beat her, quickly stepping behind her and putting her in a headlock with the sharp edge of his katana leaning against her neck. He started when he felt her move suddenly.

Hinata had dispelled the genjutsu as soon as Sasuke had cast it, and waited for her moment. The kunoichi leapt into action, placing purposeful fingers against the tenketsu in his arms.

Sasuke leapt away, blocked tenketsu stinging painfully. His chidori and katon were useless to him now. He glared at Hinata, who was watching him with narrowed eyes. She wouldn't fool him again, he decided and settled into a defensive stance.

"Go, Hinata-chan!" Naruto cheered from his perch.

She seemed to take heart from that, mouth tightening as she initiated an attack. "Jyuuken, Twin Lion Fists!" she cried, circling behind him.

The jaw of the lion nicked his sleeve, but Sasuke smirked and sidestepped the attack. He swept his leg under hers, knocking her off-balance and initiating a round of taijutsu. She managed to seal off a few more of his tenketsu, but with a second kick to her knees, Sasuke threw her to the ground, leaping on top of her.

He straddled her, sword pressed against her cheek. Her pale skin was flushed in exertion and her mouth was open slightly as she panted. "I win, Hyuuga," Sasuke mocked.

"Wow, are they going to kiss?" a little girl squealed excitedly.

Sasuke's eyes snapped to the speaker sharply. "What?" he intoned darkly.

"In all the movies I watch, whenever this happens, the two shinobi always stop fighting and kiss!" the little girl explained.

"That's so romantic!" her female classmates squealed in agreement while her male peers gagged.

Hinata, up to this point, had admirably not fainted despite all of the embarrassing situations she had been in. This, however, was too much. Her eyes rolled back in her head and she lost consciousness. Sasuke scoffed at her weakness, and rose, a slight pink tinge dusting his cheeks. "Che, useless!"

"Hey, don't say that about Hinata-sama!" Haruko shrieked, pummeling the Uchiha's shins.

Sasuke had had enough. He raised his eyebrow in annoyance and lifted his sword.

Iruka finally decided to step in, coughing nervously. "Well, uh, everyone in the class thank Sasuke-san and Hinata-san, alright?"

With a great amount of restraint, Sasuke sheathed his katana and strode back over to Hinata, where he nudged her awake with his foot. She sat up, face tomato red and unable to meet the eyes of the children.

"Are they going to come back tomorrow?" a little boy asked excitedly.

"I think not," Iruka laughed nervously. "Thank you, Sasuke-san and Hinata-san."

"Thank you," the class chorused in disappointment as Iruka ushered them back inside.

"Don't be disappointed, class. Next week, we're going to have a guest speaker teach us about ninja weapons."