Author's note: This isn't really a complete story, nor do I intend for it to be anything other than just a snippet. I kinda just wanted to play around with a psycho character, and get some heroic snarky Jack in there for good measure.
"I need another head for my merry-go-round...YOURS IS PERFECT!" I jolted back to consciousness to find myself face to face with a masked psycho. I instinctively tried to position my arms between us, only to find that I couldn't move and my head felt like it had been hit by a moonshot.
When I glanced around to survey my surroundings, I saw that my wrists had been crudely tied to a big hook suspended from a wooden beam, which was being slowly winched higher by the psycho I'd just met. I was in a bandit camp, apparently. There were a couple dumpy shacks and four or five bandits messing around with what looked like my car, seemingly unconcerned with me or the one who'd taken an interest in my head. He wore the typical orange pants and killer abs with the white mask they all seemed to sport. I wondered how the variety of bandits known as psychos had all more or less decided on a uniform. And what their exercise routine was.
"Look into my eyes when I'm staring at you!" he screamed while leisurely turning the crank on the winch.
I sighed. "Why do you guys always have to yell? I'm right here." He seemed confused by my question, cocking his head to the side like a quizzical dog before going back to cranking and staring at me. "Actually, how did I get here?"
"I made you a salad...outta worms!" he said excitedly. I hoped he wasn't serious.
"Uh, thanks..." Note to self: conversation with bandits is not worth the effort. I wriggled my wrists around to see if I could free myself, but this guy could tie a surprisingly good knot.
I tried to run through in my head what I could last remember before I woke up in this situation. I recalled getting teased about my choice of guns by Handsome Jack, just as he'd left to go retrieve our vehicle so we could get off this stupid planet and back to Helios. Our little mission hadn't turned up as much as we'd hoped, and we were getting tired and sunburnt. No sooner had he gone than I heard voices. Loud ones. Not far off. I had grabbed my sniper rifle and crept up to a big boulder for cover while I checked it out. As I peered through the scope I saw a group of bandits, which now became obvious had been these ones. They'd evidently stolen our car, and were doing donuts near their camp and making all kinds of ruckus. I don't remember anything after that. This bastard must've snuck up and knocked me over the head while I was looking down the scope.
"Foreskin hats for my puppets!" The masked psycho shouted. My arms were now high above my head. I began to worry what he planned to do with me. And where was Jack? I hoped they hadn't gotten him too. This group had proven to be more sneaky and clever than usual, which made me scared something had happened to him. Jack liked to talk the talk, but he wasn't a strong fighter on his own. We never should have split up. Damn it, some vault hunter I am, getting caught like this by a single frickin' psycho. I decided it was just an off-day. These things happen. Jack is alright. He will find me somehow. He's pretty damn smart, after all.
"Start the clock! I'm gonna count every minute I get with you…" the bandit screamed at me. My feet were now off the ground, and my tight-fitting top had raised along with my arms as I dangled from the hook, my stomach almost completely exposed. Needless to say, I was pretty vulnerable, a position I'm not used to being in. "Get ready for bad touch!" The masked bandit pulled out a machete and wildly danced around in front of me cackling. My chest and stomach heaved as I breathed anxiously.
"Hey now, come on, put that back…" I said nervously, squirming around in a desperate attempt to free myself. Psychos weren't always unreasonable, but they were definitely a wild card. I hoped I could bargain with this one. "Listen, you know Handsome Jack? He's the really rich guy who owns that big space station up in the sky, right?"
"Another walking meat puppet!" I had to assume he knew who I was talking about.
"Uh, yeah...so I'm important to Jack. If you hurt me, you'll make him really mad and he'll find creative ways to kill you all. Let me go now and I'm sure we can work out a deal. Jack can get you anything you want!" He either didn't believe me or wasn't interested.
The psycho took a few steps towards me and laid his machete flat against my stomach, the cold metal making me cringe. My eyes were wide as I watched him slowly slide the blade upwards, cutting into the bottom of my shirt as it scraped against my skin. "I can still taste her lovely sweat-box... she fed me such tears of ecstasy!" he said, slowly and more menacingly than before.
"Please let me go," I begged him to no avail.
A shot rang out from somewhere, and the psycho toppled violently to the ground in a puddle of blood. I breathed an audible sigh of relief and thanked my lucky stars Jack was alright. The others scrambled around in a frenzy, flinging axes and buzzsaws in every direction as they searched for the shooter. More shots followed, the sounds echoing around the valley, until the camp was silent and every bandit lay motionless on the ground. Then I saw Handsome Jack victoriously vault himself over a big rock, slinging a yellow rifle over his broad shoulder. He strutted over to where I was still suspended with a smirk like he owned the place, which I suppose by Pandoran rules he kinda did now.
"Jack! You have no idea how glad I am to see you!"
He shook his head and tsked as he stopped in front of me with his hands on his hips, just a little below my current eye level. "What did I tell you, kiddo? You've got no peripheral vision when you're staring down the sights."
"Can you get me down, please? This is very uncomfortable." I ignored his attempt to make a joke at my expense.
"Not until you say the words, pumpkin," he said, gently trailing his finger along the length of my stomach, distracting me from trying to be annoyed at him.
"Jack! Come on!"
"Ah! I mean it," he scolded, "I can wait. You look awfully sexy just now, I don't mind taking some time to admire–"
"Ugh, OKAY! Okay," I growled. I sighed in defeat, and continued, "You were right, Jack. You were right and I was wrong."
"Aww, see babe? It doesn't hurt, now does it?" he said, flashing me his most winningest grin.
"Actually…yeah, it does," I grimaced, nodding towards my wrists.
"Oh right. Sorry." He cleared his throat, apparently done being a smartass for the moment. "Are you okay? They didn't do anything...unseemly to you before I found you, did they? Because I'll kill them all over again if I have to."
"I don't think so, no."
"Good. Let me get you down from there," he said, reaching up to grasp my naked waist. He lifted me up with ease, enough that I could unhook my hands. I draped them behind his head, still tied together. Then he slowly lowered me to the ground, my bare stomach brushing against the front of his jacket. When I stood on my feet again, I looked up into his beautiful mismatched eyes.
"Thank you. I don't even want to know what they would've done to me had you not shown up just then. Thanks for rescuing me. You're my hero, Jack." I knew he liked it when I stroked his ego, and I figured he'd really earned it this time.
He smiled proudly at me. "Any time, babe, any time." I craned my neck to reach him, but he met me in the middle, pressing his perfect lips to mine. He pulled me tight against him as I tasted his tongue in my mouth. I stroked my fingers through the back of his hair with my limited mobility, while he ran his hands all over my skin.
Finally he backed off and met my eyes, removing my hands from behind his head. He took hold of the rope, but instead of cutting me free he began to lead me to the car. "Um, Jack? Can you untie me now?" I asked.
"Not yet, kitten. I'm gonna take you home to bed first," he said in that tone he always gets whenever he has a brilliant idea.
I cocked an eyebrow, catching on. "I like the way you think, Jack."