AN: Warning. Lemon and angst.
I love him…without any reason except for a bunch of meaningless details.
Like how uncontrollable his silver hair is, sticking up like a scarecrow's, despite his attempts to tame it with a comb. Like how the sides of his eyes crinkle when he smile. Like how he is always late, even though he was always up at the break of dawn, purposely dawdling his morning routines; a silent salute to his deceased best friend.
"Oi Kakashi, are you coming with us? We're having ramen."
"Nah, I'm waiting for Iruka."
"Do you really get along with Iruka so well? I mean he's a academy teacher and you're an ex-ANBU. What's there to talk about? Besides, it's rumored that he's gay. Aren't you afraid that he might be attracted to you?"
"Moron. Don't blindly believe what anyone says. He's okay."
"Do as you like! I'm taking off."
"Yo Iruka! Why are you still in the classroom?"
"…."
"What's wrong? Why are you being so cold?"
Heh, I guess it was a bad choice…I know he has a girlfriend.
A pretty, confident, busty kunochi; Icha Icha's heroine brought to life; the incarnation of every straight man's fantasy.
"….Kakashi-sensei. Would you sleep with me?"
I want him to be mine, even if that means I have to force myself on him.
I look at your stunned expression; the great copy-cat nin unhinged, your mind whirling and calculating if this was a joke. Are you going to look at me in disgust now? I'm tired of hiding it, Kakashi; tired of sneaking peeks at you like some silly pubescence teenage girl. This is a gamble, where I try to bluff my way through, pretending that the cards I hold are the winning ones. I'll make my next move, depending on your reaction. Even if your cards are better than mine, I won't lose that badly, I'll just bluff again.
"…what are you saying?"
"Didn't anyone tell you about me?"
"Then it's true that you're gay?"
"So you did know about it."
"Che you scared me. Why are you suddenly saying such things?"
"Someone scared wouldn't act this way."
"…I was just caught unexpected."
"Sorry. Just making a joke. Does it disgust you?"
"Shouldn't you say: Let's pretend this never happened? You're brave. That's what I admire about you. No dinner today, I'm going off."
Brave? Ha. He must be mocking me. No ninja would have missed my trembling hands.
Trembling so hard like that time I had my first kill. Trembling so hard like that time I received news of my parents' deaths. Trembling so hard like that time when I discovered who Mizuki really was; not my gentle, smiling lover but a lying, desperate traitor.
I'm not asking him to fall for me. I know that is too much to ask for.
"Hi Iruka-sensei! It's been a while since we had lunch together, isn't that right Kakashi?"
"…yeah."
"Haha, I suppose so. How are thing going, Miho-san?"
Miho-chan, you're Kakashi's girlfriend – my love rival. Please don't smile so innocently. I hate you for that; your obliviousness.
She's supposed to be the beautiful spiteful air-head who only has to flash her cleavage to get everything she wants; but she is smart, beautiful and has a great sense of humor. Together, they are the perfect couple. How am I supposed to compare with that?
"Oh, you know, the same old. Hey you haven't got your drink? No prob, I'll get one for you."
"Ah I don't want to trouble you Miho-san, I'll get it…"
"There's no need to stand on courtesy Iruka-kun, I'm going. I want another cup myself. Hey you want a refill, Kakashi?"
"Yeah."
"No, hey Miho-san, why don't you let me get those drinks for you. Hey wait!"
"Why don't you take a seat."
What? Considering his earlier reaction, I thought he would have told Miho what happened. Told her about how freaked out he was when his supposed friend tried to make a pass at him. Miho would have been hissing like an enraged cat at me. Strangely I find myself entertained at the thought of Miho's betrayed and furious face. It is really sickening; the way she lives in her bubble of rainbows and sunshine. Her perfect face makes me sick. Her mere existence amplifies my self-contempt.
"Didn't you tell Miho-san?"
"What?"
"I thought you would have fun behind my back. Get a couple of laughs, you know."
Why are you staring at me like that? Are you angry for reminding you of that incident? Do you want to pretend nothing's wrong? That what I said a couple of weeks before is just a figment of your dreams? After years of yearning and self-despise, I finally dredged up the courage to confess to you. Are you just going to erase all of that? Pretend that the years of sufferings was just a delusion from the stress of over-working?
"Are you nuts? Teaching those academy brats finally made you insane?"
"That is what you think I am? Insane? Did my insanity scare you so much that you have to leave me that day and after which continue to avoid me for weeks?"
"What was I supposed to do? Are you so egoistical to think that I could have decided on the spot? We are not animals in heat."
"What are you guys talking about?"
"Men's talk."
You didn't dismiss my indirect confession. You didn't try to ignore it. You didn't show disgust, fear or pity. That is more than I had hope for.
I thought up of all the worse-case scenarios. I think at that point of time I was resigned to what I'm going to. I can't stop them and I can't keep it buried inside. Yet I couldn't bear the thought of not having a conclusion to those feelings. I think I'll regret it forever if I never told him how I feel. Even if he were to avoid me like the plague or he were to hate me forever for ruining our friendship, I had to settle my feelings once and for all. Hiding is never my way. I prefer to wear my emotions on my sleeve.
But did he really think that I was just curious and looking for a on-night stand? Animals in heat? That hurt…a little. I suppose it was my fault; I was too cowardly to say it outright. It was safer to admit my lust, not my love. Heh what does he want me to do, send him a bouquet of red roses?
Kakashi…the way he is…I like him a lot. I can't hate him. I wouldn't be able to. His lack of disgust at my feelings gave me confidence; made me a little heady.
Listen to me…get rid of Miho and go out with me!
"Hey. Are you busy this afternoon?"
"With Miho? No."
"Do you want to come over? I rented the newly released DVD, Icha Icha Movie: Live Action. You missed the cinema release while you were on that long mission with Team Seven to Snow Country didn't you?"
"When since are you interested in Icha Icha? Aren't you always chewing my head off for reading porn in public?"
"I wanted to see what the fuss was all about. So how about it? Why don't we watch it together?"
"…why would I want to watch an adult movie with you? You wouldn't appreciate Jiraiya-sama's work either. Icha Icha's all about a guy pussy fucking a whole cast of females. I suspect you'll be bored the entire movie."
"Would you rather I rent a gay porn flick? Hmph consider it an order from me! You own me one that time I helped you out when Sakura wanted to shred every single book in your Icha Icha collection. I'm calling in that debt now!"
"Are you blushing? What order? You already asked me if I was busy. Are you being cute or are you just silly?"
Kakashi-sensei, are you humoring me? I know you are not convinced in the least about this invitation to watch a movie together. Your suspicions are right. I just wanted you in my house, specifically in the bedroom. I want to show you, I can be as good as your darling Miho under the sheets. Since you already know my true intentions, why are you still going along with my plan?
"My room is down the hall. Make yourself comfortable, I'll go make tea…Oof!"
"You okay?"
"…."
"I'm fine. I'm alright."
"Yeah?"
"Yes. Hey stop laughing, you stupid scarecrow! I swear I'll-"
CRASH!
"Shit, the teapot! Argh!"
THUNK! STOMP!
"…pfft."
"…fine, I'm a klutz, I don't have the Great Sharingan Kakashi's legendary grace. Just shut up already!"
What am I doing?
I can't believe this…Kakashi is in my room.
I don't know…how I can make him want me.
Qui-Quick! Do something!
Facing him, my hands reached to his lower regions and fumbled with the zip. It's Kakashi's…I don't have breasts nor a soft body. But is it really so different? If only I can make him come…If only I could…If I did that, would he love me more than her? That is my only hope. I have to concentrate.
"You should close your eyes. Pretend that I'm a girl." I removed my hair tie to allow my long hair to tumble down my shoulders, "There. That should make it easier."
I pulled down the zip and released for his member from the confines of the fabric. I sneaked a look at him. His eyes were closed. His face devoid of emotion. With my eyes still trained on his face, I gave his flaccid member a few strokes and a squeeze. His face remained unmoving. His member remained limp.
Desperate, I dropped down on my knees and began on what I learned from Mizuki on how to give a blowjob. My hands cupped his balls and began to message them in tandem with my tongue, which was licking his length up on down like a lolly. His length began to swell and harden. Kakashi-sensei is a grower instead of a shower, which fits his image, the slouching perverted man giggling at his erotic novels is also The Sharingan Kakashi, a legend in the four continents, notorious for his arsenal of a thousand jutsu and his stolen eye.
A painful yank at my hair ended my musings. I looked up from his throbbing cock to his face, which was still unmoving and empty; his eyes were still closed. But there was a tension to his jaw that wasn't there before. Encouraged, I continued my ministrations. With my hands still fondling his balls, I swirled my tongue at the silt of his cock, lapping at the pre-cum gathered there. The precious, precious pre-cum; the glittering liquid hope that proves I might mean more to Kakashi-sensei than he lets on. This liquid hope is precious, I cannot waste any drop of it. It was with a renewed fervor and increased courage that I desperately lapped up the pre-cum and sucked hard at the tip of his cock. I could feel his body shuddering with the accidental graze of my teeth at his cock. A thrill leaped in the base of my stomach. I grew more emboldened; the delicate sucking of his cock increased speed and intensity. His hand clenching at my hair tightened painfully at the harsh rhythm I worked at in deep-throating him.
All this while, my eyes never left his face. Once in a while, his face would spasm to betray his pleasure. But his eyes remained closed. As he came in my mouth, I was tormented by the conflict of delight and overwhelming relief that I felt and the growing shame in the pit of my stomach. The shame and depression increased with his refusal to acknowledge me when he left my house minutes after he came.
I've been thinking about it the whole night…the heat of his body and his hand grabbing my hair. My pleasure when he came in my mouth conflicted with the guilt and shame I felt in forcing myself on him. This must be the price for tasting the forbidden fruit.
A few weeks has passed. To the outsider, it looks as if nothing has happened. Kakashi-sensei still sticks to his routine; visiting his dead team mates in the morning, training with his genin team in the afternoon, dinner dates with his girlfriend. He still talks to me and visits me, but it's like a veil has appeared in between us; a veil obstructing me from reaching out to him, from figuring him out. His behavior around me stays the same but his eyes are cold, like flint. He never spoke of the incident at my house, nor did he brought up the topic of my feelings for him.
How can he be so calm? How can he pretend that nothing has happened? I now had proof that my yearnings are not an impossible dream. Why is he ignoring me?
I'm not asking you to love me.
Really. I'm not asking you to love me.
I just want you to listen to me.
Listen to me. I am not asking you to love me now. I just want you to stop ignoring my feelings. I just want you to acknowledge that my loving you being reciprocated is not impossible. (Didn't that incident proved that my attractions to you was not one-sided?)
Did you get that? You loving me back is not impossible. Please listen to me, Kakashi-sensei. I'll keep shouting to you even if my voice turns hoarse.
Listen to me.
AN: Inspiration from a manga. I am considering a multi-chaptered fic to this. Any thoughts? Good? Bad?