Hail the Conquering Heroes

by lrhaboggle

Alison was assigned to be the guide and guard of the nine heroes. It was a task she didn't mind undertaking. She just wished the job description would've told her that she would pretty much be babysitting a bunch of feckless, reckless children for the night! (Alison's thoughts across the course of EtN S2).

Alison sighed heavily through her nose. Tensions were high and the nine heroes, the 'YouTubers', were all freaking out. Of course it was understandable, they had all nearly been eaten by vampires after all, but all the arguing and shouting wasn't going to do anyone any good at all. Trying to remain calm, despite knowing that time was severely against them at the moment, Alison waved a hand for silence. The YouTubers didn't see her and continued to argue amongst each other. Alison watched the squabble helplessly. The Vaudevillian, the Mystic and the Railroad Tycoon were all arguing about how they would get help, or get home. The Saloon Girl and Engineer were panicking. The Thespian wasn't even paying attention. In short, it was a mess. Alison sighed again and as she watched them run around like chickens with their heads cut off, she could only think one thing: Hail the conquering heroes. It was probably the most sarcastic thought she'd ever thought, but she couldn't help it. If these guys really were supposed to be her saviors from the prophecy, whom she was supposed to guide and protect, it was going to be a long night...

But Alison did manage to eventually quiet them all down and give them a plan of attack, but a few of the less friendly vampires did manage to find Alison and the YouTubers and they did not hesitate to attack. One was a vampire named Calvin, and he was hungry...

"Calvin!" Alison approached the angry, hungry vampire with her arms outstretched, trying to prevent him from making any regrettable decisions. For once, however, Calvin was in no mood for games, and he wasted no time in lunging at her, snarling at her for causing him to lose his dinner earlier, the YouTubers. Alison was ready, however, and dispatched of him easily.

"Damn, girl," the Outlaw grinned as Alison shoved Calvin's lifeless body to the floor.

"Still don't trust me?" she replied, swiping at the blood staining her face. The others only stared at her in awe. Although she appreciated such a response, they still really didn't have time for any of this. She looked at the Outlaw and Tycoon and issued her next command at once.

"We have to get him out of here," she pointed to Calvin's corpse and the two men obeyed. But even that simple task was not without its issues.

What ensued was a tiny, silent scuffle over how they were going to carry Calvin outside. The Tycoon didn't want to carry him out by the arms in case some of the blood from Calvin's neck-wound splattered across his fancy suit. This caused them to drop the dead vampire back to the ground as they tried to rearrange their grip on him. The Tycoon continued to look disgusted as Calvin thudded to the ground. Alison couldn't help but roll her eyes as the two men tried to deliberate the best way to carry Calvin out. They dropped him twice more before finally getting a decent grip on him. Once again, Alison could only think: Hail the conquering heroes. Weren't men supposed to be big, strong, brave and fierce? Since when did a bit of blood ever make them cringe and worry about their clothing? The Outlaw and Tycoon were pathetic and Alison hated to think that her life, and the lives of the people she cared about, might end up in their unsteady hands...

"This is, uhh, a fireman's carry. I learned it in the, uhhh, in the military!" the Outlaw bragged as he helped carry Calvin outside. This time, they were doing a head-foot carry with the Outlaw at the end and the Tycoon at the feet. That way, no blood would spill on his expensive coat.

"The only Carey I know is Mariah," the Tycoon replied, shoving Calvin a bit to make the Outlaw move faster. In the background, the Saloon girl made a disgusted noise as a bit more of Calvin's blood splashed to the floor.

"Ooh, honey, we need to get you a makeup wipe!" she said, and Alison, once again, rolled her eyes. These had to be the dumbest, weirdest heroes she'd ever met. They didn't seem to have any of their priorities straight! And now that she thought about it, it looked like they had allowed two more of their number to go missing: the Engineer and the Mystic. Had they been taken by vampires despite Alison's warning bell? Wonderful.

But it wasn't all bad after all. For one, Alison and her group managed to reconnect with the four that had been lost along the way (including the Engineer and Mystic), and one of them, the Explorer, had managed to find a journal detailing how to free the mansion from its wicked owner, the Sorceress. Alison had been amazed at the discovery and, just for a second, it seemed like things were looking up! But then another squabble about how to open the journal ensued. There was a lock on it and the Tycoon had a key. This raised eyebrows and another fight ensued, this time over who was going to open the book. At one point, the Outlaw even drew out his gun, offering to be the one to open it.

"You've got to be kidding me! This is madness!" Alison whispered to herself as she watched the bickering transpire. She fought the urge to slap her forehead that a gun was the only thing any of those YouTubers seemed to understand. In the art of debate and considering the fact that they were all racing against the clock to live, one would think that there would be a bit less arguing and a bit more doing, but no. It took a man and his gun just to get these guys to open a book! Wait, never mind. Now he was changing his mind and putting the gun away. Fantastic.

"Actually, I don't want that responsibility," the Outlaw put his gun away and the journal-key argument continued.

"Hail the conquering heroes," Alison whispered over the argument, but she managed to keep calm, just sitting there, stone-faced, but screaming internally. This was going to be a long night...

And then they had to solve a puzzle after they opened the journal. Yay. When Alison realized that the whole night was going to be spent watching them discuss, debate, deliberate and demand on how to solve puzzles, she couldn't help but bury her head in her hand in frustration.

"You can't be serious," she whispered to herself as the YouTubers tried to solve their first task, running around the room and shouting insults and orders both. "The lives of this mansion, and everyone in it, rest in the hands of nine, well, ten if you count the Savant, young adults who can't even seem to keep their focus long enough to finish an argument, let alone an entire crown. And I've got to babysit them all as they argue around the clock instead of trying to work together to escape the night! They don't seem understand how much danger they are in, nor do they seem to understand how long I've worked trying to get them this far already! Could this night get any worse?"

Then there came a time when the gang sent in one of their own, the Mystic, to trick Dorian into surrendering the first gem of the Crown of Oblivion. Part of the disguise was to drink vampire blood. It would mask the human stench they all carried. Remembering Calvin, Alison took them all to his body and instructed the Mystic to drink.

"For real?!" she sounded disgusted.

"Drink it, girl, drink it!" someone else shouted.

"Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug!"

"You need to swallow it!"

"Go, Andrea, go!"

"I'm so turned on right now!"

"Suck it, suck it, girl! Suck on it!"

"Man, that is a nasty hickey you're leaving!" a round of odd and obtuse remarks filled the group as the Mystic hesitantly drank Calvin's blood. While Alison held Calvin up for the Mystic, she exhaled again. She was surrounded by idiots... Hail the conquering heroes...

And then after that little incident, Dorian was successfully killed but, in return, a life was demanded. This led to another large argument about who did or didn't deserve to die, which Alison watched while trying to hide the fact that such deliberations made her quite uncomfortable. And then there was another challenge, and more arguing after the Engineer was the first to fall, leaving the Tycoon to go as a free, and living, man. The Novelist had not been pleased by the results and Alison could only watch as more drama unfolded, the team splintering in half. Although the numbers were far in favor of the Novelist, there were still a few who supported the Tycoon and Alison, though she pitied and understood the plight of the Novelist, wished that they would all focus and realize that this was not going to be the last death of the night. But no, they would not listen to her, and she knew it, so instead, she only sighed as they continued to argue about who was to blame for the Engineer's death.

It took a personal appearance from the Sorceress herself to get the group back on track, which made Alison feel greatly embarrassed that they needed that level of help to get back on track instead of being ready from the start. But the Sorceress only left them with another puzzle to solve, which meant more foolish arguments. And then, somehow, the Outlaw and the Tycoon went missing. Alison couldn't believe it.

"I told them not to wander off, I told them to stay close!" Alison cursed their names when they were nowhere to be found. Why did these 'YouTubers' have to be so careless, mindless and troublesome? Were they all like that? Or was Alison just really unlucky? In the background, the Vaudevillian and Mystic had begun to play a game with one of their clues and Alison exhaled again. Hail the conquering heroes... She seriously didn't understand how anyone could be so absent-minded, let alone a whole group of people, let alone a group of people who were supposed to be mighty heroes and saviors. It baffled her that these were the agents fate had chosen to use, instead of literally anyone else. She was still internally screaming, but she managed to keep it all behind her stony and unreadable expression.

But unreadable expression or not, she had been beyond furious to find out that the Outlaw and Tycoon were missing because they'd gone off partying with the spider-women. The MAN-EATING spider-women. Alison could not believe the depths to which male stupidity could reach.

"You've got to be joking! We have less than five hours to save the world and they're off getting drunk! With strangers they only just met! How could they be so stupid?! This can't be real..." she sighed as she reluctantly led her part of the crew to safety. They were about to trade two females for one male. This was not going to be a worthwhile sacrifice. Alison could only shake her head in frustration, wishing that Jorogumo would just eat the Outlaw and Tycoon both and spare her the trouble of having to go through another voting session. As one may have expected, there was a lot of tension regarding the idea of saving the Tycoon, especially from the Novelist.

The voting session ended with the Saloon Girl and Vaudevillian being chosen. They both returned alive. The Tycoon was with them.

"Oh no, not again! You've got to be kidding me!" Alison murmured, not because she pitied the Outlaw, but because she knew that it would-

"No! Enough! I'm done!" the Novelist had nearly stormed out in his anger as the Tycoon began to brag about his "immortality", the Vaudevillian practically clinging to his arm. It had only been the ominous laughter of the Sorceress that stopped the fight this time. Alison really was going to need to work on these nine (well, seven) kids. If they couldn't stop arguing for anything other than the Sorceress' direct intervention, the night was not going to end well for any of them.

The next round passed a little bit better. Or, at the very least, Alison didn't have to watch the YouTubers bumbling around the mansion and wasting as much time as they could this time. This challenge was a game of capture the flag, taking place between the two armies that lived on the outskirts of the mansion. Alison remained inside while the YouTubers competed. This meant she didn't have to be involved, for once.

"Finally. I can relax!" she sighed to herself as she collapsed onto a nearby sofa. She then proceeded to worry about the YouTubers' safety for the next 30 minutes while the game went on. In short, even when the YouTubers weren't with her, she was still being driven mad by their antics. The only good outcome for that challenge was that it led to a battle between the Tycoon and Novelist which the Novelist won. In return, the Tycoon was executed. At least there would be less inner turmoil within the group now and maybe Alison could get them to focus...

The next challenge was far more food-oriented and, at one point, the group needed the help of a young child to pass onto the next level.

"It's time for you to go home now," Alison had told the child as soon as he finished helping her and the YouTubers.

"But I just got here!" he protested.

"Go!" Alison replied, pointing a finger out. There was no way she was going to babysit another child. She already had all the YouTubers to deal with and protect. She wasn't going to be responsible for another young hothead. So she sent the little boy off. She did feel a bit bad about essentially forcing him to care for himself, but she really could not afford to look after another child tonight.

In the end, the Explorer was the one to perish and, as expected, a massive argument followed as soon as the others had reached safety. It was the good old-fashioned Blame Game. Alison couldn't help but be darkly amused by the fact that these lunatics and weirdos seemed to have the energy to argue with one another about any and everything, but not enough to actually try and work through the puzzles set before them peacefully. What's more, they hadn't shed a single tear over any death (minus the Novelist about the Engineer). It was all very strange to Alison. How could they have enough strength to fight, but not enough to grieve? How could they still not be motivated enough to work together by now?

Then, at one point, during the next stage of the night, one of the tasks at hand was to make a young ice-fairy laugh. Alison only stood back and watched the train wreck unfold. There were bad puns, size jokes, and...

"Oh my god," Alison, again, buried her head in her hand and groaned. The YouTubers were doing something called 'twerking', and it appeared to be a butt-dance of some sort. The Savant stood on his hands while the Vaudevillian held onto his legs and, while he was upside down, the Savant began to move his rear end in a spastic pattern.

"No, no, no! Arch your back, arch your back!" one of the others instructed.

"Should we get down, like, get ratchet, with it?" the Thespian asked, and to Alison's exasperation (though not to her surprise), the others agreed. Eagerly. And then they all began to dance in very strange, spastic, uncoordinated movements, chant-scream-singing as they did so.

Half of them were bent over, twerking again, and the Novelist wasn't even facing the fairy as he stood on a pile of stones and waved his arms wildly in the air. This was what constituted as dancing in the 21st century? Alison thought her eyes would bleed and she couldn't help but shake her head at all of humanity for this. This was a disgrace to real dancing! This was drivel! Alison couldn't believe what she was seeing! It was actually embarrassing to watch. Was this really their idea of humor? How was this funny?

"Hail the conquering heroes," she sighed, shaking her head and crossing her arms as the YouTubers' dance somehow made the fairy laugh. She must've had a very strange sense of humor, for Alison had found the dance more cringe-inducing than anything. But somehow, it had worked.

"Wow," she muttered as the fairy began to laugh at their ugly, stupid dance. "Brilliant..."

Then, mere minutes later, the group managed to give off their next display of poorly-timed, modern-age awkwardness. The group managed to gain another ally in the hulking form of the hero called Torhil the Undying. Freed from his icy tomb, he vowed his allegiance to the YouTubers and, just for a moment, Alison's spirits lifted. Then the Vaudevillian and Saloon Girl started talking.

"You have to follow me," Torhil insisted seriously.

"Ok, Daddy! I'll follow you anywhere!" the Saloon Girl replied, practically swooning, lust dripping from her voice.

"Can you carry me, boo-boo?" the Vaudevillian asked next, the flirty tone in her voice practically physically palpable. It was the Thespian who voiced Alison's inner remark to the Vaudevillian and Saloon Girl:

"Everybody, calm down!" seriously. How did those two girls think that now was a good time to be flirting? Alison could only sigh.

Then, only another few minutes later, the YouTubers somehow managed to get their "undying" ally to die. Alison wasn't sure what that was more reflective of: Torhil's own poorly chosen name, or the YouTubers' complete and utter ineptitude. Seriously! How bad did you have to be to kill off your "undying" ally. In mere minutes flat! And how it happened was no less embarrassing. A harpy battle. It was supposed to be a simple game of stones, but then the usual accusations of cheating started, and the harpies decided to play a new game: kill the YouTubers. It had been during that game that Torhil lost. Alison, herself, had been busy protecting the YouTubers.

Yeah. That was right. Alison was protecting the YouTubers. The heroes might've exasperated Alison to no end, but she really had come to genuinely care for them over the course of the night. Maybe she didn't show it, but they had grown on her. And she was more than willing to lay down her life for them if it came to it. She did not hesitate in defending them against the harpies. Sure, she was a little annoyed that they had somehow managed to provoke yet another set of creatures into a fight, and sure, she had wondered how many more monsters she would have to cross fangs with in what little time they had left, but Alison never once faltered in her duty as their protector and guardian.

Alison really did want for them all to live. Though they were painfully accident-prone and things weren't looking all that good right now (what with Torhil being dead and all), but Alison still wasn't giving up yet. She was going to keep protecting them no matter what. Helpless and hopeless though they were, Alison really did like them all. She had known them all for less than one night and they all had caused a heck of a lot of trouble in that short timespan, but Alison was already ready and willing to protect them with her life. She just wished they would be more careful...

But with people as accident-prone and childlike as the YouTubers, "careful" was not an option. Instead, following the end of that particular challenge (wherein the Saloon Girl finally took her last bow as well), the group somehow managed to get the mansion itself angry at them. They triggered an alarm system which nearly sent them all sky-high. They solved it in the nick of time, but that caused the creator of that device to come bursting in, and he was far from happy to see a group of meddlesome kids messing around with his machinery. Alison couldn't help but agree with his annoyance at the YouTubers, but because he looked about ready to kill them all, Alison knew that they had best go. It was only thanks to the intervention of one of Alison's friends that they managed to survive.

"So, are these the heroes you were talking about, Alison?" that friend, JPG, asked the vampire cheerfully as they raced down the hall and away from the man, Cedric, that had wanted to kill them.

"Unfortunately," Alison gave JPG a dry grin as she followed JPG and the others away from Cedric and up to safety.

"What do you mean by that?" JPG laughed again.

"Let's just say that looking after a bunch of rogue robots would be 100 times easier," Alison grimaced.

"Oh come on, it can't be that bad!" JPG teased. "Besides, I like these guys! They're fun!" and Alison gave JPG a groan of exasperation.

"Not you too! You're already almost as bad as they are, so please don't encourage them to be any worse!" she pleaded, but JPG hadn't even had the chance to answer before, somehow, another YouTuber managed to set off another alarm.

"Wow, brilliant," Alison deadpanned. "Hail the conquering heroes..." but JPG smiled back at her before approaching the guilty YouTuber. This time, the Thespian had stepped on a landmine that had five minutes until detonation. While Alison only sighed, this level of chaos being pretty normal by now, JPG cheerfully helped the rest of the YouTubers activate the counter-defense system: a game of shooting the bull's eye. It was a strange choice in security, but JPG had insisted that at least some of the mansion needed to be fun and cool. This was the result.

Luckily, the Thespian got to keep his leg, but Cedric came bursting in seconds later, mad as ever.

"Watch out!" Alison commanded, trying to shield the others with her own body as Cedric took aim at them with a net-gun. Alison was hit, the net quickly wrapping itself around her. The vampire managed to find JPG through the chaos and when their eyes locked, a silent command was given.

"You need to look after them now," the vampire communicated silently as she struggled against the rope.

"You really trust me to look after these heroes who are just as helpless, hopeless, reckless and mindless as I?" JPG seemed to ask.

"No," Alison replied with her eyes. "But we don't have a choice..." and knowing that she was right, JPG quickly escorted the YouTubers to safety. She knew Cedric wouldn't harm Alison. As far as he knew, she was an employee of the Sorceress too and, thusly, was not the person he wanted to harm. So while Alison was left behind to deal with Cedric, JPG took charge of babysitting the YouTubers.

It took Alison awhile, but she managed to catch up to the group again eventually. She was unsurprised to see that not much had changed in her absence. The group still was very bad at teamwork and puzzle-solving. This time, they were trying to find the parts to rebuild Cedric's automaton bride. It was their hope that, if they could rebuild her, in exchange for her, the YouTubers would get the gem Cedric owned. It was one of the ones they needed for the Crown of Oblivion. Alison limped into the automaton lab in time to hear them shouting about who needed to find what and she managed to catch the Savant poking the Thespian with a skeletal hand he had found on a shelf. So mature.

But at least a few of the guests seemed happy to see her, and she was surprised at how happy their own happiness to see her made her feel.

"Alison?" the Mystic was the first to see her come in, sounding disbelieving and overjoyed at the same time.

"Alison!" the Vaudevillian was the second to cry out to her in amazement.

"Alison!" the Novelist sighed in relief and, for the first time that night, Alison flashed them all a genuine smile. She really had gone soft for these kids over the course of the last few hours. No matter how much she complained about them internally, she did feel very protective towards them and she was glad to see that they seemed to be just as fond of her as she was of them. Seeing them smile so sincerely at her made her smile back in just the same way. A couple of them even ran over to her, reaching out to her and trying to see if she was ok. Alison had never felt so touched.

But then the task at hand clouded her mind again and her smile faded faster than it had appeared.

"We have to hurry!" Alison panted, voice hardening again at once. "Cedric is readying his Promethean Men. They're big, robotic monsters," she explained. This led to another panicked argument amongst the group and Alison fought the urge to demand where their priorities were. They had giant robots on their tails! They didn't have time to do anything other than grab the stuff they needed and go!

But Alison should've known. The YouTubers had wasted so much time in all the other challenges and puzzles that it was only natural that the clock would strike midnight before they completed the Crown of Oblivion.

"What time is it?" one of them panicked as the next gem (bought with the Vaudevillian's life) was put into its place on the crown.

"Midnight," Alison answered somberly and, at that very instance, the Sorceress' laughter filled the room again. Then they all found a note from the Sorceress, telling them that since they weren't fast enough to go to the game, the game would now be coming to them...

A sudden pounding at the door sent all the remaining YouTubers shrieking like children. Alison rolled her eyes. It was only one of the farmhands of the estate. He looked terrified, but Alison was sure it was only because the Sorceress was sending her mooks in. Surely this was nothing to worry about. They had other more important things to focus on, like-

"Werewolves!" the man gasped through the glass and Alison was alert at once. Werewolves? The Novelist moved to let the poor man in, ignoring his comrades' protests. Once the groundskeeper, named Atticus, was inside, he explained. He and his son had been attacked by werewolves.

But Alison was on guard at once. Though werewolves could be very savage, it was unlike them to attack strangers without cause (and food did not count, as the Sorceress supplied them with outside game). They would not be hunting people who worked on the grounds, unless...

"What did you do?" Alison demanded of Atticus. He, with a shaking hand, showed her the next gem to the Crown of Oblivion. Oh, snap.

In exchange for curing Atticus' son of the werewolf bite, the YouTubers would gain Atticus' stolen gem. Eager to take up such a deal, the YouTubers manage to keep their end of the bargain, but the same could not be said for Atticus. Why? Well, because, he too was a-

"Werewolf!" the Mystic shrieked in terror and horror as Atticus mutated into a giant, slobbering, hairy fiend. Alison, herself, reared back in anger in fear. Even she hadn't expected this. Now wasn't this just the best day ever? She had to contend with three werewolves, while also trying to protect four shrieking, sniveling children, and she had to try and snag that gem from Atticus-wolf. Why did life hate her so much? Finally growing impatient with how the night had gone this far, Alison began to show her temper. The internal screaming that she'd been doing for the past six hours finally morphed into a more outward display of annoyance.

"Atticus! We saved your son! You owe us a debt and we're calling it in!" but Atticus stubbornly denied her request and instead demanded that they all play another game upon his behalf. They would all run a gauntlet and the one who finished last would die, in exchange for the gem. It hadn't been fair at all and Alison had inwardly screamed and swore at Atticus for betraying them like this, but with no other option left except to obey, she reluctantly led her surviving friends to another challenge. This time, everyone's life was at stake.

But ultimately, it was Alison who paid that price. Though the Mystic was the last one to finish, Alison had finally had enough of all the night's events and she boldly placed herself in front of the Mystic, offering up her life instead. The deal was accepted.

"Wait, Alison, wait!"

"Alison, no!"

"We can take them!"

Alison's surviving friends pleaded with her, trying to pull her back behind themselves so that they could finally protect her the same way she had protected them for that whole night. But although these actions from her friends made Alison's heart shine like the full moon, Alison refused to let anymore of them die, especially not for her, so she only strode right back in front of them once again, one last time. In her mind, her earlier promise to protect them with her life rang in her ears. She did not regret it at all.

"Welp!" she sighed to herself. "A promise is a promise, and I've had a good run..."

Alison gave the Savant the gem and resigned herself to death. They continued to beg her to stay, to fight, to live, but she denied them.

"Hail the conquering heroes," she told them as they finally fled, and this time, she meant it. Then it was over. Alison's duty as a faithful friend and protector was over, she had served her purpose, and her job was done.

AN: Bird of Scarlet, this was inspired by your reviews on my EtN prequel, so consider this a gift from me to you!

In short, for those of you who may find this confusing, this is just a quick recap of the series through Alison's perspective, but it's all played up with her in the role of the exasperated caretaker. Unlike my prequel, which plays her as a very serious, honorable, noble and devoted young warrior, this story plays her as the "you've got to be kidding me!" character. It's a more humorous take on her character as she guides the YouTubers through the mansion.

Side note, I almost considered going for a funny ending wherein Alison chooses to sacrifice herself to the wolves not because she wants to protect anyone, but because she knows that death will allow her to escape the YouTuber drama. If the werewolves kill her, she won't have to babysit the YouTubers anymore. But that seemed a bit over the top and cruel, even for this series, so I kept it more faithful to the original story with the idea that she sacrifices herself to protect her friends, and not to escape them.

Also, I know Alison knows everyone's names, but for some reason, I prefer to keep it that she addresses them by title instead of name.