Hi! So, I'm not a big fan of Twilight in general…honestly, vampires that don't drink people blood? I do, however, find the characters amusing. Thus, I've created a fun, adult-version of the Twilight saga. In this version, none of the vampires have special powers…unless you count Emmett's awesome super strength.

Please do not read this is if swearing offends you.

Enjoy!

Chapter One: First Sight

EPOV

The first time I saw Bella Swan, I wanted her dead.

I had been peacefully walking along the rode when out pops a werewolf. They said that, since we were new in town (again), they wanted us to review the treaty with them.

Of course, to solve any problems for my family, I said yes. I followed the wolf back to his house, which was about fifteen miles away, determined to get this over as quickly as possible. I didn't bother questioning why he was allowing me on his land at this time, because I honestly didn't care. I just wanted to go home.

His house was…ugly. It looked like a cabin you would stay in if you lived in the woods…actually, come to think of it, he did live in the woods. There were little plants that spruced the windowsills, at least.

"My name's Sam," he said gruffly as he opened the door. He didn't even bother to keep it locked.

"Edward," I muttered, overcome by the overwhelming stench that greeted me when I stepped through the doorway. Ugh…dog scent.

There was a girl in the kitchen that was baking something; they appeared to be muffins. She didn't turn around until Sam put his arm around her, hugging her to him.

He gestured to the small Indian girl that had deep scars running down her face. "This is my fiancé, Emily."

"Hello. Nice to meet you." Manners were a thing that make automatically to me. Emmett made fun of me for being a gentleman constantly.

"Hi," she said timidly. Of course, the dogs would have convinced her that vampires went around doing things of unspeakable evil for twenty four hours a day. While this was true for an unfortunate amount of our kind, my family and I were peaceful. I sort of lowered down, trying to make myself look less intimidating. Judging by her wide, frightened eyes, it wasn't working.

I cleared my throat unnecessarily. "So, what do I need to do?"

He shrugged, letting go of his fiancé. "Not much. It's not like we have any paperwork for you to sign or anything. I'm just going to remind you of the treaty's rules."

I raised an eyebrow, signaling that he should continue.

"Come on, let's sit down, shall we?"

I sighed in annoyance. Why was it taking him so damned long?

We sat down across from each other at his coffee table. I watched him slowly demolish a piece of fruit with his teeth, taking his sweet time, and still not telling me what was going on.

"Well, are you going to tell me or not?" I asked him, irked.

"Fine, fine. Okay: don't come on our land. Don't kill anyone that you've been drinking from—and if you do, hide the body. Thoroughly. And lastly, don't tell any of our people that you're vampires."

"Why would I do any of that, anyway? And why am I allowed on your land now?"

He smiled secretively. "Okay. The real reason I brought you're here is because I want you to meet someone."

Oh. I wasn't expecting that one.

"C'mon," he beckoned me, leading me to the garage. Emily giggled from the kitchen, giving me thumbs up. I smirked, waving at her before entering the garage.

Nothing could have prepared me for the person I was about to meet.

She was the most gorgeous person I had ever seen; Rosalie could never compete with her. She had long, flowing dark hair, skin quite literally whiter than snow, and black eyes with a devious glint in them. Her perfectly toned, petite body stretched in a way that made very un-gentlemanly thoughts come into my brain. She stood before me, smirking, outstretching her small hand towards me.

"I'm Bella."

Before I could respond, another dog popped out from behind the car he was working on. "Who the hell is this?"

"His name's Edward Cullen," she responded easily, without questioning me.

"H—how did you know my name?" Oh, my God. My brain filter was obviously not functioning correctly. I sounded like I was afraid of her.

Okay, let's be honest: her sexiness intimidated me.

Her brows furrowed. "Uh, I heard you from in there. Vampire hearing, you know?"

I am such an idiot. "Yeah. I know."

"Duh, you fucking idiot," the dog snapped before picking up a wrench and disappearing under the car.

"Why are you such a jerk, Jacob?" she asked him. Ah, so this filthy puppy had a name.

"It reeks in here," I blurted out, stupidly thinking that I would be able to start a conversation.

"Kiss. My. Ass." Was all Jacob said. Bella made a strange noise, struggling not to let a chuckle out.

"So, Edward, what the hell do you want?" she asked. Wow—no need to be rude, or anything.

I realized I had actually said that out loud. If I were human, I probably would have died, because my cheeks would have soaked up all the blood in my body. I think that was the first time I had ever been grateful that I wasn't human.

"She doesn't mean that in a rude way," Jacob piped in. "She swears all day long. I'm kind of surprised that she managed to say 'hello' without incorporating a swear word into it."

"Oh, shut the fuck up. You swear just as much as I do."

He snorted, reappearing from under the car. He had grease all over his face, making it look even uglier than before. He snorted unattractively. "No one swears as much as you do, leech."

She shot him a dirty look. "I would kill you if it weren't for the face that you entertain me with your stupid banter."

"Mmm." I made a strange noise in an effort to contribute to the conversation. What an epic failure.

"Have you got something in your throat?" she asked, sitting back down. She picking up a very, very sharp carving knife and started making something out of a piece of wood that she pulled out of nowhere.

"Where'd you get that?" I asked, bewildered.

"Damn. You sure have a lot of questions."

"Well, you sure don't do a very thorough job of answering them."

She looked at me. "You are disturbingly close to my definition of a bitch. If you were a girl, I would have classified you as one the minute you walked in the door."

I scoffed. I didn't even know how to respond to that. I settled for, "Well, it's a good thing I'm a man, then."

She raised her eyebrow. "Not necessarily. Only time will tell."

I shook my head. I realized that there was nothing left for me to do here. "Well, I guess I'd better leave, then."

She shrugged, going back to her carving.

I stood there, waiting for someone to say something, until Jacob finally yelled, "Well, leave, then! Get out!"

I growled under my breath, stalking out the door and back into the kitchen. Emily was waiting there with an amused expression on her face. She was still too shy to say anything, but the look said it all: ha, someone else has to deal with the jerks in the garage now!

I hated to break it to her, but I had no intention of seeing either one of them ever again. I walked back into the dining room to find Sam attacking a giant muffin.

"Muffin?" he asked through his food. I grimaced and shook my head. What idiot doesn't know that vampires can't eat human food?"

I sat down, folding my hands together and waiting for Sam to finish eating, so I could avoid having any food flung at me. That would simply not be pleasant.

When he finally finished, almost ten minutes later, he looked at me.

"What are you still doing here?"

I sighed. "Why did you send me into meet them?"

He shrugged. "No reason in particular. What did you think of them?"

I gave him a look that clearly read, what do you think I thought of them?

"Yeah, Bella's a bit…hard to be around, at first. But if you keep bothering her, she actually turns to be pretty cool. I don't expect you to be around, though."

"Somehow I doubt that," I muttered.

He shrugged again. "Look, you don't have to get to know her. I just thought I'd let you know she's here."

I nodded. "So what's the real reason you introduced me to her?"

He rolled his eyes. "It's just in case anything happens, okay? If anything ever happens to the town…. I just think it would be easier if we all stuck together. And Bella's, like, a trained assassin, or something. She doesn't really talk about it, but she'd be good to have on our side."

Well, that could also be a very, very bad thing, Sam. "Where does she live?"

"I don't know. She doesn't tell us much about herself. If you do ever see her again, why don't you ask her?"

"Okay. Well, I don't think I will be seeing her again…I need to be getting home. Have we covered everything that we need to?"

"Yeah. Yeah, we have. The pack will be getting home soon, anyway. Thanks for stopping by."

I nodded, and made my way out to the door.

"Goodbye, Emily. It was nice to meet you."

She nodded, looking down instead of up at me. Figuring that was the only response I was going to get from her, I made my way home, deciding not to bother telling my family about this excursion. It would only get them worried for no reason.

As I walked past the garage, I could hear Bella and Jacob arguing with each other.

'No, I want to do it!'

'Let me!'

'No way in hell, dog.'

I didn't know what they were arguing about, and I didn't really want to. I trudged the rest of the way home, deciding that I wanted to stay as far away from Bella Swan as possible. She annoyed the hell out of me, made me feel stupid, and flustered me.

She was dead to me.

AN: I know that this isn't like the Edward we all know and love yet. He's going to develop into the one that we're more familiar with, but he'll have a dark side to him. Cyber hugs to anyone who's awesome enough to review!