Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters, storylines or settings. I have no affiliation with the WB network. So don't sue me 'cause you won't get anything!
Summary: Pacey and Joey are best friends… but what happens when secrets and lies get in the way? As Joey deals with a secret that could crush Pacey's heart they will go down an unforgettable journey of love, pain, friendship, dishonesty and rage. WARNING: some sexual content
A/N: Hey guys! So I've been toying around with this idea for a while now. I'm sorry if this offends anyone but I hope it doesn't. I'm going to continue it with or without your support… but I will still like to have it. Please have an open mind to this. Thanks a lot. And PLEASE review… it would mean the world to me.
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXCh.1 – Hate Is A Powerful Word
My heart is beating… what's going on? What is he doing? I look around for help but no one is there… it's just me and him… and the bed… I ask him to stop but he won't, his grasp on my arm just gets tighter. I tell him this isn't the way I want to lose my virginity… but he doesn't care at all. I try to talk him out of it but he pulls me toward him and smashes his lips on mine. When he doesn't feel a response from me he pulls away and knocks me down… ordering me to kiss him back. He drags me back up into his arms and I reluctantly submit. Our tongues duel each other's… I try to just go with the flow… but this flow wasn't one I had ever been in before. He pulls away from me and I'm panting for air… he looks me up and down before telling me to strip. Tears spring from my eyes and his hand connects with my face again and I begin to slide my clothing off my body. I'm so afraid of what he'd say… would he like my body? Does he even care?
Once I'm done he pulls me back into his arms and kisses me hard… I try to close my eyes and imagine I'm not there but it doesn't work… I can still feel him gnawing at my skin… biting away a piece of me. He pushes me onto the bed and moves down my collarbone to my breasts… which have never been touched by a man before. He grabs me harshly and my eyes sting. He tries to please me but I don't accept it… I don't accept any of it. I'm still trying to process how I got here… how I'm here right now with his hands all over my body… being places I only imagined one man would ever be…
His mouth stays with my upper portion while his hands travel downward. I scream for him to stop but he tells me he'll kill me if I scream one more time. His hands softly scrape across my fragile skin and I try to hold in my sobs as his hand caresses me in ways I had never imagined. He finally pulls himself away and I actually make myself believe he's done with me… but that's a forgotten hope once I see him stand before me… stripping himself. While he's unbuttoning his shirt his gestures for me to stand up… I comply and once I fully get to my feet he demands I undress him.
My chest tightens… my hands go to his shirt and I begin to unbutton… one-by-one… I get all the way down and place my hands underneath his flailing shirt. Once I get to his shoulders I move it off his body. It falls off his arms and to the ground. He directs my hands to his pants and gives me a look. I know that I have to do this. But I'm so afraid. My eyes plead with his and he slaps me again. He yells for me to do it before he kills me. I know he doesn't have the courage to do it… but I don't want to press my luck… I mean he has done it before.
I kneel down in front of him and move my hands to his fly. I work with it slowly… trying to delay the inevitable… I look up once I free him of his itchy jeans and his eyes are rolled back. I guess I'm doing a good job. He looks back down at me once he realizes that I've stopped. He asks me what the problem is and to keep going. My eyes get wide and I look at his face and down in front of me… god… how am I going to handle this? My trembling hands fumble with the elastic until I have a firm grip on them and tug them down slowly until they reach his ankles… he steps out of them and grabs my chin in his hand. I look up at him with tears flooding from my eyes. He pulls me up to him and tells me he better not see any more of those tears. I quickly brush them away and he pushes me back on the bed. This time though he doesn't fondle… he positions himself ready for entrance. I dare ask if it'll hurt and he slaps me again before thrusting himself deep inside me. I uncontrollably scream in pain. I can't help my hot tears from rolling down my face. He begins to move inside me and I scream louder and louder… it hurts so badly. I try to distance myself from it all but I can't… I just can't make myself leave the moment… I mean it still is my first time.
A heat builds up inside my body as he goes faster and faster… harder and harder with each thrust… it hurts yes… but there is something inside me that likes it… and that makes me feel more dirty than I ever thought possible. I can't help but let my moans spill from my mouth… I can hear him too… he's whispering things to me like how tight I am and how good I feel. But I don't listen to him… I just focus on what I'm feeling… how I'm feeling. And right now I can't quite decipher it.
I'm heading towards something… but I don't know what… I'm getting there… almost… almost… but just when I'm about to have an incredible release he slides out of me. I look up at him questioningly… wondering why he's stopped. I can't help but feel a little rejected… I mean it is my first time. He looks back down at me and tells me that he can't get me pregnant… he doesn't want to deal with more controversy.
I try to pull the covers over my body when he lies back down and rips them from my grasp. He drapes his hand over my stomach… just caressing my soft skin… and it's now… right at this moment I realize…
Oh god… I just slept with Pacey's dad…That was three months ago… and in all honesty he did rape me… does rape me… that man defiles me every single time I come over to my best friends house. I've tried to tell him… but John says that if I say a word to Pacey he'll kill me… and you have no idea how much that scares me… I mean I know he really wouldn't… but again… it's not like he hasn't done it before. And since he's the sheriff he could just think of some excuse… like 'she was trying to choke me!' or some shit like that.
I'm making my way over to Pacey's house right now… I'm trying to think of a good excuse as to why we shouldn't stay at his house. I try to get him to come over to the B&B but he says that Bessie wouldn't want him hanging around all the time… plus this way we can just be without me needing to do chores. I always give into him… it's just a weakness I have.
But what he doesn't know… what he doesn't know is that every time I 'leave for home' john secretly takes me to his car… or the garage… or the bushes… or hell… even his own bed! Just like my first time… he's my one and only. And I think he always will be…
I walk for a little bit longer trying to protect my red cheeks from the biting cold. I see his house in the distance and prepare myself for more lies… more lies that I have to tell the one person who truly cares about me… who truly does give a damn about what is going on with me…
I approach his front porch and walk up the steps slowly… trying to get ready for another night of 'wild and crazy sex!' as John would put it. God I hate that man… for everything he's done to me. Everything he's taken away…
I get to the front door and knock four times… two and two… it's our secret knock. So we always know that it's us on the other side. I hear some rustles behind the door and it opens slowly. I smile knowing who is on the other side… I can't wait to see him…
When the door opens fully my smile fades as I see John Witter eye me up and down and smile.
"You look very nice this evening Joey."
He gives me a knowing grin and I roll my eyes and slip past him. He closes the door and comes over to me and takes my arm in his hand… I guess I pissed him off.
"Don't give me that look Josephine."
He slaps me and I glue my hand onto my cheek so he won't do it again. He lets go of my arm and I fall backwards a bit. He's about to come at me again but the door swings open. Pacey walks in through the front door happily until he sees the scene in front of him… his dad hovering over his best friend with her hand clutching her cheek protectively.
"What the hell is going on here?"
Pacey demands to us with a booming voice. John moves away from me and gets in Pacey's face.
"You have no right to speak to me that way young man."
Pacey looked at him defiantly.
"Just like you have no right to be hitting my best friend!"
Pacey moved passed John and over to me where he helped me to my feet. He looked at me concerned but I shrugged him off. John turned around and watched us as Pacey ushered me to the back door.
"We'll finish this later Joey."
I gave a knowing look his way and knew that I wasn't going to get through the day without being claimed by John Witter again.
Once we were out the door Pacey grabbed my arm and turned me to him. I couldn't help but let a cry of pain escape my lips as he pressed hardly on my now forming bruise. He looks at me wide eyed before letting go of me and backing away.
"Jo I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to do that…"
"It's okay Pacey. Just drop it."
Trying to change the subject I make my way over to his car and strike a conversation.
"So… you looked happy when I first saw you… did you have good day then?"
"What did he do to you?"
I'm caught off guard when this question hits the afternoon breeze.
"He didn't do anything Pacey. Please… let's not talk about it."
He moves closer to me and peers deeply into my eyes.
"If he didn't do anything then why is your cheek bruising?"
I move my face away from his gaze and touch my face lightly… wincing when I make contact with my wound. My voice is shaky when I speak again.
"Oh… um… well…"
I try to grab for excuses and decide to go for the one that always gets him off my back.
"He was just drunk I guess. I don't think it was anything more than that."
"No, no, no Jo. I'm not letting you get out of this. He wasn't drunk I should know… he was in my face. I could've smelled the alcohol on him but there was none. He was completely sober."
I look at him pleadingly… trying to tell him through my intense stare that I don't want to relive that moment. He gives in and walks over to the Witter Wagoneer. I open the door and memories of our late night 'quickies' rush into my mind. It would be late and Pacey would offer to ride me. But John was always there to tell him he couldn't since it was past curfew. He told me he would drive me. I always said I would just walk but he would give me a look and I knew there was no escape. I unenthusiastically agreed and we would come outside. He would drive about a mile or so and then go onto a dirt road and park the car. That's when he'd have his way with me… over… and over… and over… and over… I can't help but let these images invade my head.
Pacey starts up the car and we head over to the B&B for the night. When we get there Bessie tells us that either I stay and work or we leave because it's just too hectic there right now. We've been having a really good turn out of guests since we opened last year. I can't believe that our quaint little B&B actually survived. It makes me smile every time another person comes to stay at our home.
Pacey dragged me out the door not willing to abandon me just yet. We go back in the car and endure a long silence… neither of us knowing what to say…
"He hit me because I made him upset."
I blurt out. Pacey looks over at me stunned. I don't know if it's stunned because he's surprised I told him or surprised as to why he hit me.
"How did you make him upset?"
I try to find the right words to say… without spilling the beans of course. I mean… this would be the perfect time to just up and say it… but I'm too afraid. I can't loose Pacey. Because god knows that if John were to find out I told… he wouldn't only take care of me in whatever way he has planned… he would make it absolutely impossible for me to ever see Pacey again. And I can't risk that… I need him too badly. Even though he doesn't know that his father's been raping me he's still been comforting me in his own Pacey-like way.
"I uh… I… I mean he… I mean…"
I can't think of the right thing to say so I decide to just tell him exactly why he did what he did. I sigh with defeat before continuing again.
"He made some lewd remark to me and I rolled my eyes at him. Then he came over to me, grabbed my arm and slapped me."
I look into Pacey's eyes and see a rage there I have never seen before… and all because of one little slap. Imagine how you'd feel Pace… imagine if I told you that he's been sexually abusing me for the past three months… just imagine…
"He let my arm go and I fell to the ground. He was about to hit me some more but then you came home… and that's it."
His hands clench into tight fists and I can see he's not going to let this go. I'm going to try and coerce him however. Because all his fighting does in the end is make my life worse… and I know that's the last thing he wants.
"That bastard. I can't believe he did that to you. And all because of one look… one harmless little look you made because of something he said! I'm going to thrash him…"
His eyes were dark and his voice was low… I don't think I ever remember him being this enraged before. I place my hand on his arm… about to make him do the exact opposite of what I really want… kick John Witter's ass.
"Don't Pace. All it'll do in the end is just cause you more problems. Besides… it's not that big of a deal I mean he does it all the time I don't see what the…"
Oh… shit… I did NOT just say that he hits me all the time. Pacey is gonna FLIP! He looks at me a little bit unbelieving before he lowers his voice to that of a scared child.
"He's done this before?"
He searches my eyes for an answer but I hide my face quickly… trying to avoid this… all this is going to lead to is the inevitable moment where he finds out… and I don't know if he'll ever forgive me…
"He's… he's done this to you before and you've never told me?"
"Jo?"
He cups my chin in his hand and brings my head up to reveal my glistening face in the moonlight.
"Yes Pacey… he has. But let's just drop it okay? I mean… if you do anything all it's gonna do is make him hit me more… and that's the last thing I want. Understand?"
Pacey nods but I can sense he doesn't want to.
"I'm sorry I haven't told you before. I mean I've tried to tell you at the right moment… but there really isn't ever a right moment for that kind of thing is there?"
I manage to get a small chuckle from Pacey and bring my hand to his cheek and caress it softly.
"Can we just forget about this Pacey? I really don't want to talk about it… or think about it. Just pretend that you never knew about it. Please?"
"But how do I do that Jo? How do I just pretend I don't know? Physical abuse isn't something you can just overlook. I mean you should be lucky that punching is his forte… I mean think about what would happen if this stuff got sexual… I don't even want to imagine."
His hand goes to his eyes and soothes them softly trying to take these images out of his head. Well I've got to say… this is a very awkward moment for me and I don't know what to do. I guess all I can do is go with the flow. I chuckle to myself… go with the flow… now when have I told myself that before? I try to make myself stop smiling. I begin to chuckle out loud and Pacey looks up at me like I'm crazy. I begin to laugh hysterically as tears start to fall from my eyes. The cruel irony of this is burning at my soul too fiercely. Eventually I stop laughing and begin another set of full on crying. I hug myself and rock back and forth… trying to ease my pain… I feel Pacey arm go around my shoulder. His other hand is behind my head and moves it so I'm resting on his shoulder. I clutch his shirt for dear life and cry my heart out…
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXReviews are very much appreciated! If you have any questions or anything I'll answer them in the beginning of the next chapter! Also I would really appreciate some constructive criticism (if you have any that is). THNX FOR READING MY FIC!
Hey! So I REALLY hope you enjoyed that. This story has a long way to go so don't worry… it won't end anytime soon. And even if I don't ud right away I still will. I just have SO much stuff (and yes… I am aware that I say that A LOT) but I really mean it this time so please cut me some slack. THANKS AGAIN!