"Gee, Samwise, I sure am glad we found this car!"
"I know! This is great! Now we can drive to Mordor!"
Frodo and Sam sat cozily in the front seats of a 2001 Toyota Corolla. With the heat from the vents blowing in their tired faces and the cd player playing the appropriate Howard Shore score, the Hobbits felt that the journey across the dreaded dead marshes would be no trouble at all. Maybe they were right. Maybe they were wrong. I suppose we'll find out...
"Well, what are we waiting for, master? let's us get going if we're going to get going!"
"Alright, Sam. I'll drive."
"Aw, but Mr. Frodo, I wanted to drive!"
"Don't worry, Samwise, I'll let you drive on the way back."
"Glory and trumpets! I can't wait!"
The tan colored car started without any trouble, and soon the hobbits were off. At first, Frodo had a bit of trouble adjusting to the car; it was difficult for one so short to reach the pedals. Sam stiffled a laugh as he watched his master peer over the dashboard with some difficulty. Everything was going fine and dandy, until suddenly...
-THUMP!-
"I think we've hit something, Mr. Frodo!"
"Thank you, Samwise the Obvious. I never would have deduced that on my own!"
Frodo and Sam got out of the car and had a look around to see just what they could have hit in this desolate, isolated location. In the center of the road, they found a grey lump of a creature, seemingly dead.
"Oh my god! We've killed Gollum!"
"What'll we do, Mr. Frodo?"
"I do not know! Its a lucky thing Gandalf isn't here, for if he were he would most certainly be pissed."
"Well, you know Frodo, no one really has to know anything about this, do they? I mean, who really cares what happens to Gollum?"
"You're probably right, Sam, but just to be safe we'd best take him with us. Don't want to leave any incriminating evidence lying around, what with those bloody Nazgul about."
"Smart idea."
Frodo lifted Gollum's limp body from the ground and stowed it in the trunk, amidst a strangely large amounts of empty snapple bottles. Now, of course, they didn't have snapple in Middle Earth at the time, so the hobbits were quite puzzled; however, they were more disappointed that all the bottles were empty. Frodo and Sam then got back in the car.
"Maybe I should drive now. We don't want to run anything else over. We'd be in a mess of trouble if we overran an orc."
"It's my car and my ring and I'll drive."
Sam reluctantly agreed.
Onward they drove, singing along to "The Ballad of Bilbo Baggins" which was now playing on the cd player. Sam, feeling inquisitive, began to plunder about the car. In the glove box, he found a box of tic tacs and ate them all. Frodo was annoyed but said nothing. Under the seat, Sam was thrilled to find half of a leftover subway sub. Again, to many people's dismay, there were no subways in Middle Earth, and though Sam gave no thought to the origins of the mysterious sandwich, Frodo was wary of it.
"Sam, no! Don't put that in your mouth! You don't know where it's been!"
"It says on the bag its from someplace called Oregano. That sounds like a nice place, doesn't it? Do you think they have elves there? or hobbits? Whoever lives there, they make great sandwiches! Do you want a bite, Mr. Frodo?" Sam waved the old sandwich in Frodo's direction.
"No, no, for gray havens sake, you fool! Stop your babbling, I think I hear something."
"Oh, that's nothing, it's just your giant ego talking," Sam muttered under his breath.
"What was that? I couldn't hear you over the radio."
"Nothing."
Frodo thought that he had heard something, and he was quite right. From the back of the car came a soft thumping sound, and a sharp hiss. Frodo's first thought was that the car had started to give out, and that they would have to carry on on foot.
"Don't you hear that, Sam?"
"Hear what?"
"That noise?"
"What noise?"
"Never mind."
Frodo put the noise out of his mind and continued to pilot the Corolla across the dead marshes. After a short struggle, Samwise was able to climb his way into the backseat. Continuing his exploration, he found a coathanger, a box of tissues, and some lady's underthings.
"My, Mr. Frodo, lookie what I found!" Said Sam, holding up one of the garments.
"Samwise! Where did you find that! Have you been going through my--!" Sam cut Frodo off before he could finish his sentence.
"They were in the floor."
"Oh. Well....you'd best come back up here. You're not wearing a seatbelt, and if we were pulled over we'd be fined for that."
"Pulled over? Mr. Frodo, you know very well they're aren't any police in Middle Earth!"
"....er....just come back up here before you get into any more trouble."
Again, Frodo heard the noise: thump, thump, thump, hisssss. "There it is again, Sam! Did you hear it?"
"I did Mr. Frodo, I did! It's coming from the trunk! Gollum! But it can't be! Oh, whatever will we do Master Frodo? he'll be ever so pissed with us for near killing him! I don't like that Gollum, not one bit. What will we do?" Samwise went on babbling about his distaste for Gollum, while Frodo attempted to shush him to better hear the noise.
"We'd best pull over and see if it really is him," he said. Frodo slowed the car to a gentle halt and set the parking brake, with some difficulty. Again, Sam muffled giggles. They climbed out of the car and apprehensivly approached the trunk. Key in hand, Frodo extended his arm slowly toward the latch. Again, the noise: thump, thump, hissss, thump, and the hobbits stepped back, startled. Summoning courage, Frodo again extended his hand, turned the key, and slowly, slowly opened the trunk. At first, nothing. He opened it and inch more and still nothing. Two inches. Nothing. Relaxing, Frodo let the trunk door rise up enough to allow some light in. He and Sam leaned forward for a closer look, but were suddenly regretting doing so. Samwise found himself on the ground, with a pain on his head inflicted from a snapple bottle. In anger, he rose and threw open the trunk door, dodging another projectile from the suddenly agile Gollum.
Author's note: So ends chapter one of this ill-fated road trip. I am aware of the high level of stupidity that runs rampant throught this story, and choose to allow it. Why? because the world needs a little more idiocy, I suppose. This story started from a dumb joke, in which a friend and I were sitting in a car, on a picnic, wearing homemade hobbit costumes (yes, you may laugh, but let me remind you that you're the one reading it, and that if I actually had I life you wouldn't have my story to read there I said it so la de da).
"I know! This is great! Now we can drive to Mordor!"
Frodo and Sam sat cozily in the front seats of a 2001 Toyota Corolla. With the heat from the vents blowing in their tired faces and the cd player playing the appropriate Howard Shore score, the Hobbits felt that the journey across the dreaded dead marshes would be no trouble at all. Maybe they were right. Maybe they were wrong. I suppose we'll find out...
"Well, what are we waiting for, master? let's us get going if we're going to get going!"
"Alright, Sam. I'll drive."
"Aw, but Mr. Frodo, I wanted to drive!"
"Don't worry, Samwise, I'll let you drive on the way back."
"Glory and trumpets! I can't wait!"
The tan colored car started without any trouble, and soon the hobbits were off. At first, Frodo had a bit of trouble adjusting to the car; it was difficult for one so short to reach the pedals. Sam stiffled a laugh as he watched his master peer over the dashboard with some difficulty. Everything was going fine and dandy, until suddenly...
-THUMP!-
"I think we've hit something, Mr. Frodo!"
"Thank you, Samwise the Obvious. I never would have deduced that on my own!"
Frodo and Sam got out of the car and had a look around to see just what they could have hit in this desolate, isolated location. In the center of the road, they found a grey lump of a creature, seemingly dead.
"Oh my god! We've killed Gollum!"
"What'll we do, Mr. Frodo?"
"I do not know! Its a lucky thing Gandalf isn't here, for if he were he would most certainly be pissed."
"Well, you know Frodo, no one really has to know anything about this, do they? I mean, who really cares what happens to Gollum?"
"You're probably right, Sam, but just to be safe we'd best take him with us. Don't want to leave any incriminating evidence lying around, what with those bloody Nazgul about."
"Smart idea."
Frodo lifted Gollum's limp body from the ground and stowed it in the trunk, amidst a strangely large amounts of empty snapple bottles. Now, of course, they didn't have snapple in Middle Earth at the time, so the hobbits were quite puzzled; however, they were more disappointed that all the bottles were empty. Frodo and Sam then got back in the car.
"Maybe I should drive now. We don't want to run anything else over. We'd be in a mess of trouble if we overran an orc."
"It's my car and my ring and I'll drive."
Sam reluctantly agreed.
Onward they drove, singing along to "The Ballad of Bilbo Baggins" which was now playing on the cd player. Sam, feeling inquisitive, began to plunder about the car. In the glove box, he found a box of tic tacs and ate them all. Frodo was annoyed but said nothing. Under the seat, Sam was thrilled to find half of a leftover subway sub. Again, to many people's dismay, there were no subways in Middle Earth, and though Sam gave no thought to the origins of the mysterious sandwich, Frodo was wary of it.
"Sam, no! Don't put that in your mouth! You don't know where it's been!"
"It says on the bag its from someplace called Oregano. That sounds like a nice place, doesn't it? Do you think they have elves there? or hobbits? Whoever lives there, they make great sandwiches! Do you want a bite, Mr. Frodo?" Sam waved the old sandwich in Frodo's direction.
"No, no, for gray havens sake, you fool! Stop your babbling, I think I hear something."
"Oh, that's nothing, it's just your giant ego talking," Sam muttered under his breath.
"What was that? I couldn't hear you over the radio."
"Nothing."
Frodo thought that he had heard something, and he was quite right. From the back of the car came a soft thumping sound, and a sharp hiss. Frodo's first thought was that the car had started to give out, and that they would have to carry on on foot.
"Don't you hear that, Sam?"
"Hear what?"
"That noise?"
"What noise?"
"Never mind."
Frodo put the noise out of his mind and continued to pilot the Corolla across the dead marshes. After a short struggle, Samwise was able to climb his way into the backseat. Continuing his exploration, he found a coathanger, a box of tissues, and some lady's underthings.
"My, Mr. Frodo, lookie what I found!" Said Sam, holding up one of the garments.
"Samwise! Where did you find that! Have you been going through my--!" Sam cut Frodo off before he could finish his sentence.
"They were in the floor."
"Oh. Well....you'd best come back up here. You're not wearing a seatbelt, and if we were pulled over we'd be fined for that."
"Pulled over? Mr. Frodo, you know very well they're aren't any police in Middle Earth!"
"....er....just come back up here before you get into any more trouble."
Again, Frodo heard the noise: thump, thump, thump, hisssss. "There it is again, Sam! Did you hear it?"
"I did Mr. Frodo, I did! It's coming from the trunk! Gollum! But it can't be! Oh, whatever will we do Master Frodo? he'll be ever so pissed with us for near killing him! I don't like that Gollum, not one bit. What will we do?" Samwise went on babbling about his distaste for Gollum, while Frodo attempted to shush him to better hear the noise.
"We'd best pull over and see if it really is him," he said. Frodo slowed the car to a gentle halt and set the parking brake, with some difficulty. Again, Sam muffled giggles. They climbed out of the car and apprehensivly approached the trunk. Key in hand, Frodo extended his arm slowly toward the latch. Again, the noise: thump, thump, hissss, thump, and the hobbits stepped back, startled. Summoning courage, Frodo again extended his hand, turned the key, and slowly, slowly opened the trunk. At first, nothing. He opened it and inch more and still nothing. Two inches. Nothing. Relaxing, Frodo let the trunk door rise up enough to allow some light in. He and Sam leaned forward for a closer look, but were suddenly regretting doing so. Samwise found himself on the ground, with a pain on his head inflicted from a snapple bottle. In anger, he rose and threw open the trunk door, dodging another projectile from the suddenly agile Gollum.
Author's note: So ends chapter one of this ill-fated road trip. I am aware of the high level of stupidity that runs rampant throught this story, and choose to allow it. Why? because the world needs a little more idiocy, I suppose. This story started from a dumb joke, in which a friend and I were sitting in a car, on a picnic, wearing homemade hobbit costumes (yes, you may laugh, but let me remind you that you're the one reading it, and that if I actually had I life you wouldn't have my story to read there I said it so la de da).