Hi there, here's another story. Don't know yet if I'll write more chapters for this one, probably will. But It'll take a while.
I've been pinning over stories where James gives up on Lily. And this thought sprung to me out of nowhere, what if Lily is the one that finally has enough? And so my story was born.
In case you were wondering, the jumbling part and all those run on sentences are on purpose. That's how my mind works when I'm fighting, desperate or confused. I was trying to write a thought train.
Well, review please. And tell me what you think. I probably should have had someone read it over. But eh.
Chapter One: Game over
The day starts like any other; no one expects something extraordinary to happen today in the tower. The Gryffindors go to class, like any other day, talk, joke and eat normally. They exchange insults early in the morning, everyone sees their usual banter and their daily fights which this time are caused by James learning about her date with the Ravenclaw seventh year and the usual disruption of said date by James in the early afternoon. Which is, in fact, nothing extraordinary.
No one expects something to change, something to break the usual flow of the everyday happenings in Hogwarts, much less them.
( "Is it James?" she claimed, "Is it really that hard to think of someone else? Is it really that hard to put my feelings before yours?"
"Oh, don't give me that shit, Lily! You know that I'm not selfish." He said harshly. "I may be egoistical and arrogant and so many fucking things, but not selfish." )
Although James should have read the ominous signals, when Lily doesn't show at 8 o'clock sharp for their Head's meeting. According to his watch, she is 25 (long) minutes late. He should know something was wrong: she was never late.
But instead, he decides to watch the Exploding Snap game between Sirius and Pete, and discusses the rare clear night with Remus. They are in the middle of winter; it was unusual to have such a beautiful night.
It seems as though someone up there is trying to warn him, when at 9 o'clock Lily still doesn't show up. But he takes no notice of it. Instead, he challenges Sirius to an Exploding Snap round.
A couple of minutes later, he hears the painting slam open and sees the tall blonde head emerge from it.
Here she comes.
( "It was none- none of your business to go down there and charm his ears off!" she shrieked, "And stop laughing Sirius! - It was horrible! Blood everywhere and he couldn't even listen to me because he had no ears!"
He just laughed and commented that it was one of the best spur of the moment's pranks he had ever done.
"Fuck, James, I said it was not funny!" )
And he was right, behind Marguerite's blond locks, emerges his fiery redhead. Right on time, he thinks with a snort.
He does notice how students practically dash out of Lily's path. She has to be angry, he thinks, she tends to scare her classmates away, when pissed.
James considers imitating her 'punctuality and responsibility' speech in a high voice, with extra hand movements and nose pinching, just to spite her even more. He does love to argue with her, and his eyes get that familiar gleam.
( She lets a low growl and whispers in a deadly, harsh voice, "No, James was it worth it? Really, was your stupid prank and macho jealous show really worth destroying the bit of respect I held for you these lasts months?" Her voice escalates into her usual shriek, "Because congratulations, you're back to being the same selfish bastard!"
"Right Lily, overreact like always! Always with the drama!" He growls right back at her. "It was one stupid joke, darling Fredrick will be back tomorrow with his ears right on place!" )
He lets out a chuckle and stands up, placing his hands strategically on his hips, the perfect 'lecture' pose. Lily is suddenly standing right in front of him, her face twisted in the well-known scowl.
He readies himself for another fight, forgetting about his imitation once he gets sight of Lily's jaw clenching, the familiar telltale that she's one drop from exploding in a fit of insults and blows.
("What where you thinking?" she yelled first, "Who the fuck do you think you are to pull stuff like that?")
And so, the argument starts. Just another one, in high voice tones and bellow the belt insults. There is the usual screaming and yelling, Lily pushes his chest, James sneers at her. Nothing out of the ordinary. Their reasons are the same as always, his arrogance, her stick up her ass, his lack of tact and caring, her inability to laugh about a simple joke.
It's the same argument-turned–fight that can be witnessed every other night in the common room. So no one pays much attention to it, it usually ends up in frustrated screams and swear words, then after a while of someone walking away, they would find each other and mutter some half-ass apology, and would return to that strange, twisted companionship that has been joining them these last months.
( "You are such a damn hypocrite!" He roared, his hands clenching at his side, "You act like you hate me so much, like I disgust you, but then the moment calls for it and we're suddenly friends!"
"Oh that's rich, James!", she yelled, her face red with anger, " You are the one that parades around hurting people, and then pretends you care about them. You play pranks on people and make them feel like dirt, and then act as though you give a damn about them! What kind of sick shit is that?" )
James knows he should stop the fight, when Lily's eyes began to water and her breathing starts to get ragged. And Lily also knows to end it and apologize, when James throws a chair to the floor with a kick. That's when they usually stop their bickering. But no, tonight they are on fire. Rage builds everything up, and suppressed rage just fires it up to the ceiling. And no one dares to interrupt the screams and yells tonight, they just let it continue. And neither he nor she makes an attempt to apologize when they use their worst insults and comebacks. The ones that hurt the most.
And then suddenly, something shifts. James is in the middle of his rant abut her not giving a crap about something or other, when Lily sinks in a chair and lets her head fall into her hands.
It's changed. They can feel it. Something snapped. They wish they could say it's starting, but it's the complete opposite. It's ending.
She knows it when anger and embarrassment sweep out of her and a mix of disappointment, hurt and just plain fatigue bend her knees. She's done with it.
And he knows something went wrong, when instead of swear words and angry growls, a pitiful moan is heard between her hands. He's confused and just wonders why she's giving up. Is she sick or something? She always has the last word in their arguments and fights. She never backs down. And neither does him.
"What?" he sneers again," the invincible Lily Evans is giving up?"
Without looking up, and after a tense pause, she moans again, and whispers his undoing, "Just, stop it. Please James. No more, I can't take it. Just – please."
He looks at her hard, his eyes no longer alight with rage, but simply blank.
Please.
That word does it.
And at the same time, it undoes him. Destroys him, rips him to pieces and smashes him with its meager 6 letter, stomps around his shreds and transforms him into some sort of confetti.
And no, he's not being melodramatic.
"Please, James. Just leave me –", she struggles again, and he can see that she's trying so hard not to break into sobs, and she feels how he's dying to throw himself on the rug and never come back up. "Just, please."
Every Gryffindor is in some sort of mute trance, they are respectful enough not to blatantly watch them with open jaws and wide eye, but choose to retreat to the other end of the common room, where they can discreetly glance and hear everything. (Or so they think.)
They feel it too, the change, the feeling of dread in the pit of their stomachs. It feels like the end of Potter and Evans (THE Potter and Evans), so who could resist watching it? Not them, that was for sure.
The silent and tense pause seems to last hours. But actually it's only after a few seconds that James sighs, and every pair of eyes goes to him. There he stands, standing stiffly in front of her, with his hands no longer in fists, but hanging limply at his sides. His face, no longer contracted in some sort of sneer and glare, but blank.
Her soft, pathetic whimper brings everyone's eyes to Lily. She's still slumped in the plush armchair, the one next to the fire, which is emitting such great heat and light and is so strong and alive and consuming. It's so different from Lily, who looks deadly pale, when she lifts her head to look at him. Her eyes, that just a few seconds were mirroring the fire, are now endless pools of darkness, so wide and glassy, as though dead, but shiny with unshed tears.
James's feet scuffle with the carpet, and again, as though it's a tennis match, the eyes go back to him. "You really mean that?" he asks, his voice quiet enough. But his words, his words are so strong, and hurt and utterly hopeless that they ring for days in the common room. Her eyes widen a little bit at this tone. And James turns his head to the left, watching the intense fire burn, burn and crash.
Lily watches him for a while, and everyone, but James, sees how for a millisecond, those green eyes are filled with such disappointment. Then, in a matter of seconds, they seem to age years beyond her actual age, and are filled with despair, weariness and some sort of unhappiness that has never been seen before. "Yeah." She whispers back.
She sees his Adam's apple bob up a down as he gulps, and his hands rub his eyes behind the glasses, probably forcing tears back in.
"James you know,- "she has to stop for a second, to wipe the tears dripping down her pale face. "I've been asking you to stop with this nonsense for years now. I'm really tired of it." She explains. She doesn't know why or how, but she feels as though she owes him some sort of explanation, or apology. Or both.
"Yeah, but-", he rubs his eyes again, more forcibly," But I always thought it was all friendly banter, you know. I never knew you were seriously disgusted by all of it."
The only sounds heard in the room are the cracking of the fire and the ragged breathing of Lily and James. Everyone else is petrified, just watching them, straining their ears to hear the words. The words that are usually yelled in a tone loud enough for people in their dorms to hear are now whispered in a flat, disappointed and not even loud enough tone for Sirius, who's waiting in the stairs for James, to hear.
"It's not disgust, James." She shakes her head, and more tears fall down her cheek. He sees none. But everyone else does, and every one else can also feel the break, the fracture between the two of them
Lily swallows the lump in her throat, and tries so hard to muster the strong voice in which she usually says the next words. "No, James. It was not disgust, but it wasn't friendly banter, either. I mean it when I say that I don't like you, and that I don't want to go out with you, and that-", she pauses and sees his shoulders slump downwards and his eyes close forcefully, but she musters every ounce of strength to finish her sentence," I want you to leave me alone."
Everyone in the room has heard those words before; it's not the first time they are said. But the difference is that instead of the strong and angry voice that usually accompanies them, they are pronounced in a defeated, tired and bleak tone. And every Gryffindor knows the difference it makes.
It was really over.
James understands immediately, and unlike all those other students gawking at Lily, James not only understands but absolutely hates what it means. Something inside him shatters as he hears those words, spoken so weakly.
She's not fighting him anymore, no more arguing, no more bantering. She's not telling him how she's so repulsed by his presence and attitude. She's pleading with him, pleading him to leave her alone. She's no longer screaming, and insulting him. She's just asking him to let her be, to leave her alone.
Asking.
Pleading.
Not fighting
It was no joke, no stupid game or foreplay or suppressed sexual tension or whatever his idiotic mind could come up with. God, how could he be so stupidly blind! It was all real, true and horribly genuine, all her insults and feelings and – fuck.
He stares at her, afraid to do anything else, to ruin everything even more. He's scared to talk and hear his voice break and cry in front of everyone. In front of her.
So he sort of nods. But ends just moving his head in some weird circular motion. Merlin, was he always this pathetic?
She sighs. "James, you really did it this time. I really, really fancied Fredrick. I really do. Still. But you-", she stops, and sees how his eyes hardened just a little bit, at the mention of Fredrick. "You really took the cake this time."
Again, her voice is flat, monotone and simply so defeated. And he can't force the anger and mad jealously to bring some emotion back to the argument. Not when Lily sounds so dead.
He almost faints, he has killed her. It's over. It isn't tension building up between them; it's a mix of real unrequited love and some weird and twisted respectful disdain, that's the thing that stands between them.
After another tense moment, he dares to look at her (probably for the last time), and at the sight of her pale, tear streaked face he makes up his mind.
"I'm sorry." He says finally.
He's going to let her go.
And Lily resists the urge to throw up right there. "I'll leave you alone, Lily." Finally.
His voice, just like hers is broken, lost. Dead.
Her eyes seek his, and for a second they show disappointment racing through them again. He's trying so hard not to break himself, that he doesn't notice that it's with these last words that he's finally broken her. He killed her.
She manages a strangled "Thank you." Before he turns around and heads for the stairs. He halts before them for a few seconds, taking some calming breaths. He feels that his legs will buckle the moment he starts to go up, to get away from Lily. He feels he'll slide back, as if these were the girl's staircases, not the ones leading to his dorm, to being utterly and fucking alone. But before he can even process the though of leaving her, at last, she calls him back.
"James", she says. And hope, stupid and fruitless hope, races through his mind. But her voice is still the same: flat, dead, broken.
He turns and tries to smile. His expression doesn't change at all, his eyes are half closed and brilliant with moisture and his mouth is set in some sort of thin pale line, with the ends pulled down.
Lily takes that in and realizes it's really over. It's the end. Done for.
She ought to say something.
It's now or never.
"Thank you." She swallows, "I mean- I… I know you this isn't the end you pictured or imagined or anything of that sorts, and…"she has to swallow again, she feels as though that big lump in the back of her throat is choking her," I just wanted to apologize for not giving you what you wanted."
His shoulders tense a bit more. Way to rub salt in the wound. "S'okay." He mutters. His eyes fixed on the burning fire. Crash and burn.
She nods. And another tear falls down. "I'm really sorry for this." She adds. She doesn't want them to end this way, this fucking tragic and so stupid way. She doesn't know what she wants.
"Yeah." He says, his voice quivering, almost breaking. His eyes focus now on that tear. How it splashes on her shirt and makes the fabric darker.
He rubs his eyes again, wiping the tears away (he hopes she sees nothing of it), and speaks with the same broken, flat tone that characterized their voices today, the total opposite to the usually loud and lively arguments that flowed fluidly between them. "I'm sorry too."
She wipes her tears. "Thank you." She says, and lowers her eyes. "Even though it won't work the way you want it to, I appreciate the way you always tried and how you always showed me how much you cared for me and all those compliments-". She stops her rant. She's nervous and anxious.
And she knows the bond that tied them, that sort of net that brought them together was slowly but surely breaking apart, separating them, crushing them against opposite ends. And that knowledge makes her so uneasy, so panicky, cautious and – oh hell – so, so confused.
She doesn't want to be the one to cut the last thread of the dangerously thin rope (she used to think it was so strong and thick) holding them together. Somehow, she feels it isn't right. She wants this, she says in her mind, he hurts her so, and she needs this to end. She can't handle his charades anymore. It's over now.
It has to be.
But not like this, she thinks, they can't end it and spend the rest of the year in awkwardness, couldn't they be friends? Couldn't they just apologize? Won't he fight? Couldn't they-
"You're welcome."
She closes her eyes. "Yeah…" Oh, God, no…
He feels the tears come again. "Again, I'm sorry for ruining your date tonight. And for taking up so much of your time." She shakes her head.
"S'okay." She says.
"Yeah…" he closes his eyes, trying to push his tears back. "Well. I'll go up now."
She only hums her consent. Although her mind is screaming that this isn't supposed to be over. But she is so hurt and tired and… – and shit! She can't even consider this thought through. She just nods, for the hundredth time that night. And again, her mind starts looking for excuses to stall this falling apart, because if the string, the last connection breaks…she will too. She won't be able to hold it together. She needs time, it can't end like this. She opens her mouth, but no sound comes. She needs to think, to know what the hell is going on. She doesn't understand what she wants.
"Okay." He says, and there's finally a change in his voice tone that indicates something else than the despair he's drowning in. That one word is said with a touch of finality. He can't handle this pathetic conversation anymore. He turns around once again. But before he can continue up the stairs, he mutters once again in his horribly flat voice, "See you around, Lily."
And everyone stares at them. Surely someone will stop this mad act. This couldn't be happening. It's not the end of it. But not even Sirius, who looks at Lily with such pitiful eyes and a promise to come back later as he follow his best mate, tries to save them.
But in the thick and tense silence that fills the usually loud common room, the sound of James' door closing breaks the trance.
And with it, Lily feels the last thread break apart with a deafening cling. The ropes coil in the floor in curves and loops between them, creating obstacles for Lily, in case she decides to chase after him. She doesn't. She can't. She feels stuck, no strength, no nothing.
Oh, fuck.
She sinks deeper into the chair, and tries so hard to hold back the sorrowful sobs that are threatening to come out, while everyone in the common room stands transfixed, watching the spot where James and Lily finally severed all ties. She can't. And suddenly the room is filled with sniffs and awful sobs and a sense of dread, and her friends fight the crowd of onlookers to reach her.
It's over.