Episode 1: The Redundant Jedi

Warning: Some inebriation, gratuitous bad influence of elders on teenagers, Obi-Wan being sullen and snappy, Mace Windu being pleasant, Yodabeing malicious, Anakin being annoying as usual and general Jedi mayhem. About four occurrences of the 'F'-word, and I don't mean 'Force'. Unintentional mild slashy undertones.

Disclaimer: I don't own the characters (except Obi-Wan's smarmy best friend Vernon, obviously), they belong to George Lucas. Remote Pacific island inspired by weirdy Destiny's Child video for 'Survivor'. Hereston is totally fictional and based on stereotypes of almost-cities everywhere. I have no idea how old Obi-Wan is during the Attack of the Clones period, so the age bit is purely based on how old we think he looks.

Obi-Wan had never felt happier. He was surrounded by his friends on his 35th birthday and he had just had the day off from training that spoilt brat Annie, who had been deposited to the Jedi Library to perform community service early that morning. Obi-Wan was at the moment recounting his duel with Darth Maul.

"Thish ish the ugly bassard," he said. "Musht have horns, thish swizzle shtick can be horns."

"It's just a tankard with a swizzle stick," said his smarmy best friend, Vernon.

"No, no, ish ugly bassard!"

"I think we should go home now, Obi."

"You no fun," said Obi-Wan, pouting. "One more Bailey's for the road?"

"NO! Oh, hell. Just...let's get to the speeder, okay?"

"Obi want balls!"

"Well, Obi can't bloody well have balls...I mean, Bailey's. Obi will go home, and tomorrow Obi will go back to training Annie." Vernon felt stupid. It was like talking to a four-year-old.

"Annie bassard."

Vernon sighed, got up and dragged Obi-Wan to his feet. He then frogmarched Obi-Wan to his speeder and flew him home.


"Are you alright, Master?"

"Anakin, please stop yelling," moaned Obi-Wan. "And can you go a bit slower?"

"I wasn't yelling, and we're only doing 15mph," said Anakin, as yet another speeder passed them by, blaring its horn, the driver giving them a dirty look and sticking a finger up in the air. Anakin was very embarrassed. He was driving like Yoda, and so far, thirty-six speeders, twenty-three cargo freighters and eleven postal transports had passed them by. He didn't really mind the speeders, or even the cargo freighters, but postal transports? Everyone knew that Intergalactic Postal Service employees were the slowest drivers in the universe!

Obi-Wan closed his eyes and slumped his head on the headrest of the High Council speeder which he and Anakin had taken for their own personal use. Anakin glanced at his Master with renewed respect. Well, well, the old guy had enough pluck in him to get drunk the night before High Council evaluation. Not bad. But not good either.

"Master?"

"What did I tell you about yelling?!"

Anakin decided to let this one pass. "If we don't go any faster, we'll be late for the evaluation."

Obi-Wan, who was pallid and had ugly dark rings under his eyes, glared at the 'Exclusive Property of the Jedi High Council' sticker on the dashboard and said, "Well, the bloody High Council can stuff the bloody evaluation up their bums."

"Master!" said Anakin, shocked.

"Wish I was a Sith, then I could rise against that twit midget Yoda and bash his stupid brains out with my light saber, then absolutely slay him."

"But..."

"And if I was a Sith I could be called something really goth, like...oh, I don't know, Count Kenobi, or Darth Torturous, or Darth Vicious, yeah, that would be great."

Anakin kept his mouth shut as Obi-Wan kept staring at the dashboard. He had meant to ask Obi-Wan whether he could hang his love-beads-and-fluffy-pink-peace-trinket medallion on the rear view mirror, but had decided that this wasn't a very good time.

"Oh, for God's sake, Anakin."

"What, Master?" Anakin asked anxiously. He wouldn't put Obi-Wan past doing a bit of mind-reading in his current state.

"What possessed you to buy these...these monstrosities?" Obi-Wan was talking about the porcelain dog with the nodding head, the grinning, bouncing clown that went "Hyuk, hyuk, hyuk!" whenever they hit an air-pocket and the air freshener disguised as a bouquet of painfully bright yellow flowers on the dashboard.

"They look very friendly!" protested Anakin.

"They look bloody daft. And will you drive faster and cut through this traffic jam? We'll be late for the High Council evaluation."

Anakin grinned a rather evil grin. "If you say so, Master."

"NOT THAT FAST!" yelled Obi-Wan in horror as Anakin executed a sequence of mad, tight turns that made the needle on the G-force counter on the panel go crazy before breaking off the limit.

The last thing Obi-Wan remembered before he passed out was Anakin cackling madly.


"Obi-Wan? Are you alright?"

"Master? I'm sorry about the ride."

Obi-Wan opened his eyes, only to be almost blinded by the light streaming in from the picture window of the High Council's conference room. He was surrounded by the Jedi High Council. Anakin looked worried and apologetic. Master Windu looked none too happy. Yoda looked very amused.

"I'm fine," he said, trying to sit up. He instantly regretted it, as his head felt as though it was being used as the venue for a rehearsal of a Riverdance-Fame fusion musical? with clog-dancers. "But let me just say again how you'll be the death of me one day."

"Don't say that, Master."

"Ah, come to his senses he finally has," said Yoda, hobbling towards Obi-Wan. For the first time in ages, their eyes actually met at Yoda's eye-level. "Get up, Obi-Wan. Time for evaluation it is."

Obi-Wan got up unsteadily with much help from Anakin, who seemed to think, after his fainting in the speeder, that his Master was rather feeble and weak.

"Gently, Master."

"I am not Yoda, Anakin," came the snappy reply.

"Trying to tell me something you are, Obi-Wan?" asked Yoda, narrowing his eyes at the wayward Jedi Knight.

"No, no, Master Yoda. I was just merely trying to impress on Anakin that I am not as wise and responsible as you," said Obi-Wan, trying hard not to barf with contained sarcasm.

"Mmm." Yoda often did this ambiguous humming when he didn't have a smart retort to deliver, or when he was unsure whether he was being mocked or revered.

"Well, despite the fact that it is quite obvious that you - or should I say your Padawan - made the effort to get here on time, due to your fainting spell, you're late," said Mace Windu, stating the obvious as usual.

"It is not the fault of my Padawan, Master Windu," said Obi-Wan dutifully, at the same time as Anakin said anxiously, "It is not the fault of my Master, Master Yoda." Obi-Wan of course, put the blame solely on Anakin, but since Anakin was supposedly the Chosen One who would bring Balance back into the Force (note the capitalisations), he wasn't supposed to blame him for anything.

Yoda waddled off to his seat within the High Council ring. Obi-Wan felt a dire urge to kick Yoda in the behind and send him fly out the window. He stumbled to the centre of the ring, followed by Anakin. As he stood there, he was conscious that he was swaying back and forth and side to side. Or was it merely his perception of the room that was swaying? He felt ill.

"Master," hissed Anakin. "Are you sure you're alright?" Anakin didn't know whether to be amused, worried or annoyed. Sure, it was great to know that Obi-Wan was the kind of guy who went out drinking and partying the night away, but drinking and partying the night away the night before a Jedi High Council evaluation was very stupid, and the fact that Obi-Wan's skin had taken a rather greenish hue was very disturbing.

"Don't... make... me... talk. Might... puke. Try... answer... for... me," Obi-Wan muttered.

"So, Obi-Wan," boomed Yoda nastily, relishing in the fact that for once, Obi-Wan wouldn't be able to be snappy and sarcastic. "Explain your conduct last night you must."

"Master Yoda, may I reply on his behalf?" asked Anakin anxiously.

"No. Answer from the donkey's own mouth I must hear."

"Fuck off," muttered Obi-Wan under his breath.

"SAY WHAT DID YOU?!"

"Umm... I believe he said, 'I'm a sloth', Master Yoda," said Anakin hastily as he delivered a surreptitious kick to Obi-Wan's shin. Obi-Wan, trying to clutch his leg in his post-inebriation imbalance, fell forward. Anakin grabbed his cloak and pulled him back up again. "Sorry, Master, my foot slipped."

"It's alright, my young Padawan," said Obi-Wan. You are so dead, Anakin, he thought.

"So, Obi-Wan. Your explanation we await."

Obi-Wan decided to just be frank and hope for the best. "I was celebrating my birthday and I got drunk."

"In a strip club?"

"Yes, in a strip club."

"A male strip club."

"Yes, a male strip club. We heard that the stri... performers did really unique interpretations of 'Build Me Up, Buttercup' and 'Kokomo'," said Obi-Wan, staring at his boots.

"Ahem... 'we', did you say? Your Padawan with you was he?"

"No, Master Yoda, Anakin was safely in bed as he should have been."

Yoda turned towards Anakin. "Is this true, Padawan?"

"Yes, Master."

Yoda sighed. "Obi-Wan, realise you do that not the first time this is. Done this before you have."

"I'm..."

Master Windu interrupted. "You're sorry and you won't do it again? It would work but unfortunately you've said it several times before, Obi-Wan."

"But I really mean it this time."

"Sure how can we be? Not too careful have you been, Obi-Wan."

Master Windu sighed. "It does not bode well for the Jedi Order that you have been spotted doing things that are quite obviously against the Jedi Code. Therefore we have no choice but to..." His voice trailed away.

Obi-Wan looked at Master Windu's grave face. He gasped. "No."

"I'm afraid so."

Anakin was very worried. "Master?"

"You're fired, Obi-Wan. Effective immediately, you will renounce your status as a Knight of the Jedi Order."

Obi-Wan just stared at each and every member of the High Council. Most of them looked sorry for the wayward Jedi. Yoda and his cronies looked smug and smarmy. Obi-Wan sighed. Without another word, he bowed and turned to leave. Anakin made as if to follow him.

"Anakin," said Yoda. "Stay you will. Under new Master you will train."

Anakin turned around to face the diminutive Jedi Master. He stuck a finger up in the air.

"Fuck off."


A week later, Anakin and Obi-Wan were lazing about in Obi-Wan's very bachelor pad of a home. Their daily routine now consisted mostly of drinking hot beverages (including tea, hot chocolate, coffee and Bovril), fooling around with the espresso machine, High Council-bashing and berating each other for their behaviour at what was very likely their last High Council evaluation.

"You didn't have to do that, Anakin. Honestly. I mean, Yoda gets on everyone's nerves sometimes but... 'Fuck off'? How stupid was that?"

"But Master, you said it yourself."

"Yes, but I'm considered an eccentric rebel of a Jedi Knight, just like Qui-Gon was. I can get away with things like that, most times. But you. You're the Chosen One. I mean, how bad would it look in the Annals of the Jedi Order if it were to be reported that the Knight who would bring Balance back into the Force said 'Fuck off' to the High Council Chief during an evaluation where his Master was fired for being drunk once too many times?"

"Hey, it would spice up the Annals."

"We're black sheep, Anakin. We've ruined it all."

Suddenly there was a knock on the door. Obi-Wan sighed.

"We're no longer Jedi Knights, we can't help you, we don't give to charity because we're jobless and we don't want to buy anything you might have to offer," he yelled.

The door clicked open to reveal the rather imposing figure of Master Windu. Obi-Wan groaned.

"Oh, man, what d'you want now?"

"Obi-Wan, you do realise that you still have in your possession a speeder that belongs to the High Council?"

"Oh, great. Just great. Here. Take the keys. Take the speeder. And go away."

"But that is not why I have come."

Obi-Wan looked up from his armchair. He raised an eyebrow.

"The High Council has agreed to let you keep the speeder."

"Wow, that sure is nice of them. What other goodies are you putting into my redundancy pay?"

"The High Council would also like to tell you that it apologises and partially withdraws its decision to fire you."

Obi-Wan stared at Master Windu. "What?"

"You're not fired. Well, not fully, anyway."

"Why? And what does it mean, 'not fully fired'?"

"It means that whatever you put in the oven isn't really cooked yet," said Master Windu, laughing at his own joke. Obi-Wan gave him a patronising glance. Master Windu cleared his throat. "Well, you are no longer a Jedi Knight, that remains the same, but you will still be responsible in training Anakin."

"WHAT?!" yelled both Anakin and Obi-Wan, though Anakin sounded happy while Obi-Wan sounded rather anguished.

"You will be despatched to your new location tomorrow at dawn. And let me tell you this," Master Windu's eyes sparkled in quite a friendly way for the first time since Obi-Wan had met him. "We will keep a blind eye to how you cope with your new surroundings. After all, Obi-Wan, you are no longer a Jedi Knight, but you are still a Jedi." As suddenly as he had come, Master Windu bowed and left.

Obi-Wan gaped at the door. Anakin grinned at him happily.

"I suppose that means we warrant another chapter in the Annals, eh, Master?"

"Shut up, Anakin. Go pack your things."

"But what is there to pack?"

"Your toothbrush, a spare pair of clothes, a packed lunch and whatever things of sentimental value."

"Does Padme count as sentimental value?"

"No. I said 'sentimental', not 'sexual'."

Anakin looked a little disappointed. "Can I go over to her place and say goodbye, then?"

Obi-Wan observed Anakin's annoying hopeful puppy manner and relented. "Yes, I suppose you could. Don't take too long though." He tossed the speeder keys to Anakin. Anakin looked at his Master with renewed affection. He wasn't so bad after all.

"I love you, Master."

"Anakin, I'm just supposed to train you, not induct you into my nonexistent harem. Now go."

As Anakin bounced happily out of Obi-Wan's home, Obi-Wan began to worry. What primitive planet will they be sent to? He must prepare himself for any eventuality. He began to walk around the house, mentally noting what may and may not be of use in a new, hostile environment.

He wouldn't put it past the Jedi High Council (especially Yoda) to put them on a planet where men could dress up as women and earn millions.


A little later, at Padme's palace, all was not well.

"You're leaving? What do you mean you're leaving?!"

"I have to follow the will of the High Council, Paddy. You understand."

"No, I bloody well don't. What do you mean by just barging in here and telling me you won't be around starting from tomorrow? We're married, for crying out loud! And I'm pregnant!"

"Well, I have to go with Master Obi-Wan," explained Anakin. Padme made a rather impatient noise that for anyone less royal would have been considered a snort.

"Master Obi-Wan, Master Obi-Wan, Master Obi-Wan! That's all you've been able to talk about since you began training! I thought you hated the guy. I thought you said he was holding you back. What, now he's literally got you by the balls?"

"You don't understand..."

"Yeah, you can say that again."

"?Master Obi-Wan's gotten to be quite bearable, even nice sometimes. He really isn't all that bad. He kinda grows on you..."

"Yes, like some bloody fungus!" screeched Padme. Anakin winced and dodged to avoid the paperweight she had just thrown at him.

"Look, Paddy..."

"It's Senator Amidala, if you please."

Anakin sighed. Padme glared at him, and he just looked back at her. He had to make a decision, and he had to make it now. He had to either tell Padme that it was all a joke and that he wasn't really leaving, that he'd never leave her to prance off to some as yet unknown destination with Obi-Wan to complete his Jedi training or...

"Goodbye, Senator Amidala."

...he could do that.


It was getting late, and Obi-Wan was worried. It was not like Anakin to just traipse off to Padme's and not tell him if he was coming back late. This wasn't responsibility on Anakin's part; he merely liked to gloat to Obi-Wan that he was in a relationship while Obi-Wan was mostly trying to avoid getting into any.

He picked up his pocket holocommunicator and set it to Padme's frequency.

"Padme, is Anakin still there? If he is, can you tell him to..."

"Fuck off, you bastard homewrecker." The line went dead.

"That was weird." He boiled it down to raging pregnancy hormones and left it at that.


Much later that night, Obi-Wan was sitting in his armchair again, which he had turned to face the door. He had finished packing long ago. Just as he was nodding off to sleep, he heard the door open.

"Mmmph?"

"Sorry I'm late, Master."

"Where were you, Anakin? I wanted to go and look for you, but you took the speeder, so..."

"As I said, I'm sorry."

"I take that the talk with Padme didn't go to well?"

"She told you?"

"No, not in so many words, but it wasn't that hard to guess. Are you alright?"

"I'd rather not talk about it, Master."

Obi-Wan let Anakin walk past him to go to his room. "Anakin?"

"Yes, Master?"

"I'd be the first person to tell you that it's not easy being a Jedi. You have to make a lot of sacrifices. You have to understand that. And I know this is the last thing you want to hear from me, but let this be a lesson to you."

"Yes, Master."

Anakin went to his room and began to pack. He looked at the deactivated C3PO and R2D2 in the corner. He didn't care what Master Obi-Wan or any of the High Council told him, he was not leaving them behind. After all, they could come in useful.

Later, as he lay in bed, he heard Obi-Wan stumble into his own bedroom and trip over one of the boxes he had packed. There was a strange, resonating 'vrr-ziong'/'v-zhmm' type of noise, followed by a crash and a yell. This in turn was followed by some muffled swearing and a barely decipherable "stupid light-saber!"

"Are you alright, Master?" he yelled, just to make sure.

"I'm fine, Anakin! Apart from the fact that I have just tripped over my light-saber, singed my robes, sliced the chest of drawers in half and almost got myself bloody decapitated in the process, I just couldn't be better!" came the grumpy reply.

"If you say so, Master."

Soon he heard his Master brushing his teeth, and after that, he heard his Master flop onto the bed. The snores came almost immediately after. This always happened. For the first few minutes of sleep, Obi-Wan would snore embarrassingly loudly. It was useless trying to get any sleep in those first few minutes.

So Anakin got up and began to walk around the house that he had lived in on and off since he had begun training under Obi-Wan. He saw the singe-marks from his first attempts at using a light-saber indoors without proper supervision (Obi-Wan hadn't too pleased about that one, he remembered). He also saw the graffiti in awkward places that Obi-Wan had missed, like the "Obi-Wanker" under the kitchen sink, the "Mace-spray Wind-u" behind the living room curtain and the "Should be Yadda not Yoda" just above the hallway skirting board.

He was going to miss this house.