I didn't mean to tell him. I was never going to. I thought that if I just kept it all to myself, if I pretended it wasn't there then one day it would all go away.
But of course it never did.
Everyday that I saw him with Sarah it broke my heart but I still couldn't keep away from him.
When I told him that Sarah wasn't good enough for him he wanted to know why. He wanted to know what I meant, what I knew.
The truth was I didn't know anything, not about her, but I knew there was someone who would love him the way he deserved if only he would let them.
Still he kept pushing at me, he kept asking, needing to know.
"Why did you say Sarah wasn't good enough for me," he had asked.
"Please don't make me say it," I'd begged him. How could I tell him the truth? How could I tell him and not have him walk away from me? How could I tell him and not risk losing him forever?
Then his hands had held my face, his eyes burned into me desperate for answers.
"Look at me," he had insisted, "What do you know?"
So I told him.
I told him how I felt. How everyday that I saw him with Sarah it made me jealous. How I wanted him more that I could have ever expressed.
And as he looked at me, unblinking and expressionless I told him that I was in love with him.
I told him… and then I ran.
And now I don't know what happens next.
---
He was my best friend, so when he told me that my girlfriend wasn't worth it… that I was so much better than her I could only assume he had good reasons for saying it.
But he seemed unwilling or unable to tell me the truth.
His face was twisted with anguish as the tears rolled down his face and I couldn't understand why.
It had been MY girlfriend kissing another man only moments earlier so why had it hurt him so badly?
She must have been cheating on me; it was the only thing that made any sense. She was cheating on me and John Paul had found out.
But if he found out why wouldn't he have told me. He was my friend… he would have told me.
I asked him outright if that's what it was but he denied it.
"Is she cheating on me with Rhys?" I'd asked.
"No," he had insisted, "I don't know…"
His tears were still flowing but he brushed them away and then he told me.
"You really wanna know?" He had said, "You really wanna know why I think you should split up with Sarah?"
And I did, I did want to know, I needed to know but I didn't expect the answer that I got.
When he said he was jealous at first I thought he meant of me… that he had feelings for Sarah and he was jealous of me.
But that wasn't what he meant at all.
I could hear the pain, the confusion and the anguish in his voice. Then he said it. The one thing I wasn't expecting.
"I'm in love with you."
I stood frozen to the spot with my heart pounding in my ears and his words turning over in my head.
I stood there motionless and John Paul turned and ran.
And I don't know where we go from here.