Ba'al Vs Fanfic
A total AU piece of silliness.
Disclaimer: Don't own any of it, don't make money from it.
Ba'al, one time System Lord, reformed, had discovered fanfic and what he had discovered had not made him a happy Goa'uld. "SAM!" Ba'al frowned at the screen, drumming his fingers on the desk. "I've found more of those slash fics. This one has me paired with O'Neill. Oh wait. No sex, it's just a straight torture and domination fic. Nevermind."
Sam, who was just finishing the tossed salad (extra heavy on the black olives), wiped her hands and went in to mollify her highly strung husband. "They're just fanfics. Why don't you check on the steaks?"
"O'Neill is out there, I think even he can handle steaks."
Sam massaged Ba'al's shoulders. "It's Jack, remember. After all, he is part of the family."
Ba'al's jaw twitched. He did not like to be reminded that Sam was a woman with two husbands. Wasn't it supposed to work the other way, a man have multiple wives?
"Honestly, you'd think all I ever did was torture O'Ne..all right, Jack, or rape and torture you. No mention of my extreme cleverness, my programming language abilities, my ability to manipulate gravity, my powers of persuasion." Ba'al threw up his hands. "To top it all off, I've never been Mary Sued."
"Uhm hm." Sam said, half-listening to him. "Why don't you go pour the wine?"
"You aren't even listening to me." Ba'al's voice had a petulant edge to it. "Something must be done about this...this...travesty of the written Tau'ri language called fanfic."
"If it upsets you so, then don't read it."
"That is not the point." Ba'al went to the dining room and poured three glasses of wine. "It must be stopped. I shall start a campaign."
"Good, that will keep you busy." Sam muttered, and wondered, not for the first time, why she had married two men or for that matter, even one. Maybe they would have made better pets. Kept caged, taken out, played with and then returned. She smiled at the thought.
"You find me amusing?"
"Always." Sam smiled sweetly at him, as Jack entered with the steaks.
"What's got your snake in a kink this time, Ba'al?"
Ba'al helped himself to salad and a good half of the black olives. His nostrils flared in distaste and his lip curled slightly. "Fanfic." He stabbed a steak.
"Oh. I don't think it's that bad. But then they like me. Write me as heroic and charming. The slash ones pair me with Daniel mostly, but there have been a couple with you."
Ba'al narrowed his eyes. "I am trying to enjoy this somewhat overcooked piece of meat."
"Come on. You're a villian, so they write you doing villainly things. Is that a word? You know, kicking puppies. I, on the other hand, am a hero. Save the day, get the girl, that sort of thing. I've got the ancient gene and you've got an evil snake in your head. See my point?"
"I wasn't aware you were making one." Ba'al poured a second glass of wine.
"Hey. No need to get snippy here. You got your white hats and black hats. You're a black hat."
"What do hats have to do with any of this?" Ba'al rubbed his temples.
"Good guys are white hats and bad guys are black hats."
"There is cherry cobbler for desert." Sam said, to no one in particular. No one was paying any attention to her anyway. That cage was sounding better and better. She wasn't aware that she was muttering to herself until she noticed it had gotten quiet and that both Jack and Ba'al were staring at her. Ba'al had his usual sardonic half smile. "What?"
"You were muttering something about cages." Jack raised an eyebrow.
"I was?"
Ba'al raised an eyebrow as well. "Yes. Is this some new fantasy of yours?" Ba'al was still recovering from Sam's last fantasy, in which she was the Goa'uld Queen (she'd even borrowed his hand device) and he and Jack were her lo'tars. She'd been disturbingly convincing.
"Maybe." Sam shrugged. Ba'al and Jack both waited, but nothing more was forthcoming. They exchanged looks. Sam grabbed a carrot and munched down on it. Hard. "So, anyone having cobbler?" There were nods from both males. There was something vaguely disquieting about Sam's carrot munching.
"You know, Skippy," Jack said between bites of cobbler. "I've seen a couple of crossover fanfics that weren't too bad. Had you paired with Legolas from Lord of the Rings. Must be that blonde thing you have."
Ba'al had a small piece of cobbler hidden beneath a mound of CoolWhip. "I mentioned to Sam earlier that I've never been Mary Sued."
Jack whistled. "That is bad. Even Anubis has been Mary Sued." Ba'al's jaw twitched. "Tell you what. How about after dinner we write a fic of our own and post it."
Ba'al nodded. "Can we put Osiris in it? His new host is a most attractive one."
"Blonde too."
Sam muttered something about the sleeper sofa in the den, then went upstaris for a long soak, leaving the males to tidy up.
Ba'al and Jack spent the remainder of the evening writing a multi-universe crossover fic with Sam, Osiris, Galadriel, Buffy, Elle Woods (Ba'al, for some reason, had really liked 'Legally Blonde') and for variety Laura Croft. They tossed in a Mary Sue, as a reformed Ori, destined to save Ba'al, marry him and bear him many children.
The resulting fic received a record number of both reviews and flames. Sam's response was "Don't give up your day jobs."
Oh, and they did indeed spend the night on the king sized sofa sleeper in the den.