Light of Hope
The first time I heard me and Sam were overly codependent, I thought it was the usual psychology crap. Me and Sam are brothers. We watch each other's backs and that's the way of it though my job is a bit harder since it's kind of hardwired into me and it's the number one rule: I look out for Sam. And that's been modified to include my girl and sister-in-law and partner in crime, Angie.
We've been together for so long that I find it difficult to contemplate life without either of them. The times we've almost died and died and then brought back… that pain of loss even for a moment… I don't know how I'd be able to go on. That's how I felt when I saw Sam dead on the floor of that cabin, looking at the blood that was coming from his gut. I didn't want to leave him behind but there were civilians to worry about but I was also worried about Angie.
I knew Angie would have sensed Sam hurt and dying. Being knocked up or not, she was and is always able to tell when Sam is in trouble and she came charging in vamped out. She was on my mind when I looked at Sam's still body. She would be worried sick and I would have to tell her that Sam would never get to see his kid being born. That or she'd leave the place where we or rather Sam told her to stay put and bring Gideon and Shadow with her and it wouldn't be a pretty picture. I knew better that it would be the latter first and then the former afterwards. That's how it was and it had me scared.
I'll admit when Angie told me that she was pregnant, I freaked. I freaked and it wasn't my kid. It scared me not because of the whole vamp thing; that is moot between us. It scared me because we have Amara to deal with and then adding the fact that Cas had to let Lucifer in… I mean I know firsthand what it's like to have a target on your back and she was right there with me through the whole damned Apocalypse thing. So yeah I was damned scared and Sam was too. And it didn't help when her powers went a little crazy when the hormones kicked in but they did help in a pinch just… I didn't want it to come to this.
It was bad timing that I got zapped by that cop since I wanted to get back to Sam and bring him home to her. At the time I didn't realize that she had already set out with the dogs. Boy can that girl move. Being pregnant didn't slow her down and later Sam told me that she went worse than the Vengeful Virago. Actually he told me one word and that made it clear to me. It had me right back to when I was actually sent inside her head to help her put herself back together and fix the problem she had been battling from Purgatory.
It made me more determined to talk to the reaper Billy to get Sam back. It wasn't for me but for her. As much as I admit that I can't live without my brother, truth is… I can't live without the both of them. And I couldn't bear the thought that Sam's kid would have to grow up without a father. I was ready to step up and be like a father figure but it wouldn't be the same. And I knew deep down that Angie would be broken. Oh she would keep going because it was her kid but she would have that void and in the end… I had to try.
It stung when the reaper said that she was going to reap us for good. I so badly wanted her to know about Angie being pregnant. It wasn't too far a stretch to assume that Billy would know about Sam and Angie and the soul thing and I even had the faintest of hope that she knew they were once angels. That still gets me every time I think about it. The idea that my brother was an angel before Amara killed him… At least Sam wasn't dead but that didn't mean things were all right with Angie. And Billy said no to bringing Sam back and she didn't even believe me when I sort of implied Angie's condition. I was desperate.
I was relieved Sam was alive but there was still one more werewolf to deal with and when I found out what he did to Sam… I get why he did what he did. It's a survival thing and looking after the people that mattered. That still didn't make it right and I know that it didn't with Angie but she is much more magnanimous than me. Yes, I used a big word but it fits. Sue me.
When I found out that Angie tracked Sam to a way station store and helped kill the last two werewolves, I couldn't help but cheer. She is my tough girl and I figured she was the kind that would hunt up until she had to go on maternity leave. I was also worried since a misplaced weapon or punch and it could spell trouble meaning the worst case scenario aka losing the baby. I get how Sam felt and why he was so reluctant to call her.
I have to admit that the whole true soul bond/mate thing they have has come in handy. It is also annoying since she and Sam do that talking without talking thing. Of course she says it's not that much different when me and Sam do it but at least it's easy to see. So there is a difference Angie. I say it's handy because Sam can warn her if we run into problems on a hunt. This time though he refused to call for her even though she had the healing mojo and the don't mess with me attitude. I can't help but get the feeling that if he had called for her, then Sam wouldn't have been sent into shock and she would have healed him. Then again… maybe it worked out better this way since Sam didn't die when that asshat choked him and we got him.
You could think that it was perfectly planned when Sam arrived as he did with Angie by his side and Shadow and Gideon charging in. It wasn't really but it was a relief to see Sam with my own eyes alive and breathing. He was still bleeding from his stomach and that was bad; I could tell since he was using his wife as support. It's the kind of thing I would tease my brother with. Of course I'll be nice and not tease him since I did the stupid thing and killed myself.
I'll admit that the codependent thing is psycho babble but… there is some truth to it. I can't live without my brother with me. I don't want to and I'm scared to even try. And it would be worse if I didn't have Angie in my life and I'll extend it to my Hale. They are all I have left and… it scares me to death. But I guess what scares me more and I'm happy for is that we are going to have a new member to our family.
I still feel guilt that I led Ellen and Jo to their deaths and what I did to Sam with Amy and other things and I still feel shitty about how I treated Angie over the years. The things I said… and she still forgives me at every turn. She even forgave me with lying to Sam and making her lie to Sam when I tricked him into saying yes to an angel. She forgave and still tried to help me with the Mark of Cain.
Sam was right in that she is a good person. She is generous with herself by helping people and willingness to give them a second chance. Even when she was neck deep in her Purgatory problem she still was helping people despite what it was doing to her. She keeps fighting no matter what and I see that as I watch her walking through the halls of the bunker and not in her usual stealing of Sam's clothes. It's a surprise to me since she has always tried to hide her baby bump and I get why.
I am happy for them. Truly. And I want to do what I can to make sure that the baby, boy or girl, is born and will be kept safe. There are a lot of things out there that would love to hurt us and they would do it by using the baby. I know Sam and Angie know that. I know that but… that kid is family and family is important to me. And to be honest… if anyone deserves this happiness it's my brother and my girl. I won't let Amara hurt Angie despite the fact that they know each other from the time the world began and I don't care that Angie doesn't remember that life. I'll do what I have to even though… I can't raise a hand to her. I can't kill Amara.
I don't know if Angie knows that but it wouldn't surprise me. And I know at some point I'm going to have to ask her for help. The same might be for Cas. I don't want to. Rather I want to try and find a way to do it myself. I've seen my brother and my girl struggle and I want to do this for them. I know I probably have a snowball's chance in hell to do it but… I have hope. That life growing inside of Angie… it gives me some measure of hope that I might be able to fix things and give the kid a life that is ten times better than mine. I can do that. For family.
A/N: Just Dean's thoughts after nearly losing Sam and doing the stupid thing of killing himself to talk to a reaper. Tag to Red Meat.