Author: Grasshopper (A.K.A. The Undertaker's Muse)
Email: uber_bitch13@yahoo.com
Rating: PG-13 (subject to change)
Warnings: Male/male slash, severe angst, bad language, adultery.
Pairings: Shawn/Sean, Kevin/Scott, possible Hunter/Jericho and other pairings
Spoilers: Um…I really have no clue. This is sort of going to be set in fall of 2002, but not sticking closely to timelines and such. *snorts* I'm still trying to figure out what the fuck I'm doing with this, so don't be surprised if it all seems a bit wonky.
Summary: Who do you turn to when your world falls down around you…
Author's Notes: This idea's been running through my mind for a while, but I wasn't really inspired to write anything until now. Still not sure where this is going and how it's all going to end, but it definitely looks to be one hell of a ride…if my muses don't abandon me. *shakes fist at missing Raven and Molly muses*
Disclaimer: Nothing and no one belong to me, other than the story, which is a work of fiction (meaning it has never, and probably will never happen). Title comes from the song "Out Of My Mind" by Duran Duran.
Prologue
"What do you mean, 'It's over'?"
"I mean just what I said, Sean. You and me," Shawn gestured at both himself and Sean, "are through. I just can't do this anymore."
"Do what anymore? You can't love me?"
"It's not about love, Sean."
"Oh really… So what, pray tell, is it about?"
"I just…" Shawn struggled for the words to explain. "I can't do this to Becca. It's not fair to her, or to Cameron-"
"But it's fair to me?" Sean's dark eyes shone with anger and pain.
"Nothing about this situation is fair, Sean-"
"Oh, so I'm a situation now," Sean interrupted.
"-so I'm making the best choice that I can."
"This is the 'best choice'?!"
Inhaling deeply, Shawn continued to explain. "I'm not saying this is best for you. I'm not even saying it's best for me - but it is the best thing for my son."
Sean ground his teeth together, looking anywhere but at his lover. "I don't fucking believe this," he muttered softly.
"Kid, I-"
"We wouldn't be in this mess right now if not for you; I hope you know that. I mean, I get why you married Becca - you needed a prop, so the world didn't find out that the notorious Heartbreak Kid was gay."
"Sean-"
"I didn't really like the fact that she didn't know the truth, but I dealt. I dealt because I love you, Shawn. Otherwise, I wouldn't have stuck around after all the shit you've pulled. Then, you told me she was pregnant…" His words trailed off softly as he bent his head, hair spilling in front of his face. Shawn tried unsuccessfully to look behind the veil of dark curls covering Sean's eyes.
"Cameron arrived, and I was so happy. I mean, all I can see in him is you, so how could I not love him? He was so perfect. And when you handed him to me…for a moment, I imagined what it'd have been like if he was ours…not yours." Sean looked up finally, hair sliding away to reveal his face. "Then reality set in and I shoved the thought out of my mind. I mean," he began laughing softly, "it's not like anyone - especially not your precious wife - was ever gonna find out about us." Still silent, Shawn looked away - eyes blurry - as he bit back a sob. God, baby, I'm sorry…you don't know how sorry I am…
"But still, it was worth it because we loved each other. Love's supposed to conquer all, right, Shawny? Love's supposed to be forever. But I guess now I get why they say it's the greatest antidote to happiness ever made.
"So thanks, Shawn… Thanks a whole hell of a lot."
"Sean, don't be like this."
"Don't be like what? Angry? 'Cause it's too late for that. I am angry, and with damn good reason! I gave you everything - my heart, my soul…my trust." Sean closed his eyes, willing back tears that threatened to flow.
"I trusted you, Shawn. You were the first person after Scott and Kev to give a damn about me…to love me. You were there when I was so out of my mind in pain that I wanted to die. You were there when Scott realized he was in love with Kevin, not me. You were there when I was sick from withdrawals. I-" He choked, forcing back his sobs.
When Shawn reached for him, Sean jerked out of his reach, distancing himself from the other man.
"I trusted you!" Sean's scream echoed through the apartment.
"Kid, I-"
Again, Sean cut him off. "Just get out," he whispered brokenly, turning his back to Shawn. He stared out the window aimlessly, waiting for Shawn to follow his order.
Shawn tried one more time. "We need to work this out, Sean." Please, baby, don't let this go unresolved. Don't let it end like this.
"Please leave, Michael."
Shawn's eyes widened at both the name and the calm, even tone of his lover's- no, ex-lover's voice.
"Eventually, we'll have to talk, Kid. Just let me know when you're ready." Shawn made for the door, hoping he didn't break down.
As he shut the door, he rested his forehead against it. What am I gonna do? How can-
Shawn was pulled from his thoughts by Sean's voice. By a response to his statement that wasn't meant for Shawn's ears, but for Sean alone.
"I'm not running after you this time. I can't take this anymore." The sound of Sean's harsh sobs broke the answering silence.
For a moment, Shawn debated on whether or not to go back inside. Making his decision, he pressed a kiss to his fingertips, then touched them to the door.
"Goodbye, baby," he whispered, then turned and walked away.