This one shot is from a story I will probably never finish, but decided this scene was too funny not to share. Obviously this is a modern AU where Hiccup runs a funeral home with the gang as his workers. Hiccup and Fishlegs are the funeral directors, Snotlout runs the cremator and the twins work in the mortuary. They also double up as funeral assistants. Astrid is eventually the client (in the story). There's a running gag over Hiccup's unintentional bachelorhood…and the women that like to throw themselves at him.
This scene starts when Hiccup and the twins have completed a burial on a very hot day. Hiccup just wants a moment alone to relax in the middle of his busy day.
Hiccup drove the hearse into the loading bay, sighing in quiet relief. It had been a difficult morning, ending at the cemetery for the burial on a very hot day.
"I'm going back to my air conditioned mortuary," said Ruffnut loudly, as soon as the three of them had piled out of the hearse.
Snotlout laughed as he greeted them, "What's the matter Ruff...can't stand a little heat?" He puffed out his chest, like a peacock in full strut. "I can handle 1200 degrees, baby," he boasted.
Tuffnut gave an uninterested sneer. "Do it in a full suit and tie...then I'll be impressed," he told the other man, slinging his jacket and loosened tie over his shoulder.
"Yeah...Hiccup nearly melted into his own back pocket. I'm sure his tie has fused onto his neck," said Ruff.
Hiccup pulled the mobile speaker out of the hearse. "It didn't help that the batteries were flat," he said, glowering at the twins.
"What? You told us to swap them," said Tuff with a shrug.
"Uh…two days ago. And when you didn't do it, I had to do it this morning."
"Yeah, right before we accidentally swapped the flat ones back again. You should know us by now, Chief."
Hiccup rolled his eyes, "Yeah…I should. Why do I employ you two again?"
"Because we're the best morticians you can afford to pay," Ruff shot back. "At least we didn't knock that old lady into the grave," she sniggered.
Hiccup looked up at them, offended. "I did not knock her in…I stopped her from falling in when she tried to throw the petals on the coffin and overbalanced."
Tuff sniggered, "Another woman falling at your feet. Pity her age was the same as the temperature today."
Ruff added, "Yeah, like one hundred and ten. Boy, you sure are getting desperate Hiccup."
Hiccup decided to ignore them and left the final unpacking to the twins and Snotlout, while he headed for the office.
Fishlegs greeted him as soon as he walked in. "Hiccup! You're late!"
Hiccup frowned and held up four fingers, "Heat. Twins. Flat Batteries. And twins. Not necessarily in that order."
"Well, you better move it, because you have your appointment with Mrs Green soon. And that paperwork for the new client came through. She'll be here later this afternoon." He stopped to wrinkle his nose and gave an obvious sniff. "Ew…I think you had better shower before you go."
"Thanks Fishlegs. Your comments are always appreciated," said Hiccup drily, pulling out a well-thumbed file from his in-tray.
Fishlegs beamed. "My pleasure….So, who do you think will be the 'relative of the month' this time," he asked.
Hiccup flicked through the paperwork, checking he had it all. "Probably Eunice…it's her turn," he muttered, more to himself.
Mrs Green was an old dear who insisted on Hiccup coming to visit her once a month, to ensure that her funeral insurance was still valid, the money was still there, and no, he hadn't forgotten her wishes regarding her funeral. How could he? She reminded him every month. Every few months, she would also ask to change the name of her next of kin to be contacted in the event of her death. Hiccup had given up crossing the name out on the sheet. Now he had a sheet for each of the three relatives Mrs Green switched between, and he simply wrote the date on the most current one.
Every time Hiccup had tried to gently suggest that he didn't need to keep coming to see her, she would get upset and tell him firmly that she was dying, and how could he bear to live with the knowledge he had messed up her funeral? So Hiccup would sigh and give in, making another appointment with her for the following month. The problem was, she had been 'dying' for the last two years, even though she was as healthy as a horse. Hiccup was sure Mrs Green would outlast him. He could just imagine her, knocking on his gravestone with her walking stick, telling him to get up and make sure her funeral was just as she wanted it.
Hiccup shook his head at the thought, and headed for the shower, grabbing his bag of spare clothes as he went. The mortuary had a small wet room that contained an open shower and a toilet. He slid the door closed, and for about the millionth time that year, he flipped the lock only to remember that he still hadn't repaired it. Sighing, he ignored it and dropped his clean clothes on the shelf.
Stripping off his old, sweaty suit he gratefully stepped under the refreshing shower. It only took a few moments to scrub himself clean, but he wasn't ready to leave just yet. Holding onto the shower head for balance, he closed his eyes and let the water flow over his tired muscles while his mind churned over.
He was feeling the effects of not enough sleep and too much work, but his day wasn't over yet. He had received an odd phone call this morning while he was getting ready for the burial. It had been from a very distraught young woman. Her uncle had died in unusual circumstances that he didn't understand yet, but his body had now been released, ready for cremation. She had told him that she was the executor and said quite firmly that he was not to take instructions from any other relatives, no matter what story they gave him.
It sounded as if it was going to be a difficult case, so he had decided to take it on instead of Fishlegs. The other man was a wonderful funeral director, caring and sensitive... but he didn't like conflict.
Hiccup's eyes were still closed under the soaking shower, frowning as he mentally ran through all the forms he would need, and it was a moment before he registered the door sliding open. His eyes snapped open and he yelped, leaping sideways to grab his towel. Keeping his back turned to the unknown person he shouted, "What are you doing in here? I'm having a shower."
A rough, feminine voice cackled. "I know. I need to use the loo."
Hiccup glanced over his shoulder at Ruffnut, who was clearly enjoying herself way too much at his expense.
"Couldn't you wait? Or use the other toilet?" he asked with a huff, making sure the towel was wrapped tightly around himself. He kept his back to her.
He could practically hear her shrugging. "Nah…this one is closer. Great buns by the way…"
Hiccup heard the distinct sound of fabric sliding over skin, and he stiffened in shock, his eyes wide open. Without turning around, he asked very quickly, "What are you doing?"
"Using the toilet. What else?" she replied, the sounds of subtle splashing giving testimony to that statement.
"With me in here?" he squeaked.
"What's the matter? We're all guys, right?" she said nonchalantly, still not finished.
"Uh…last time I checked, you were a girl," said Hiccup in agitation, wondering if it was possible to will his ears shut against the sounds coming from her direction. He didn't dare release the towel to block them with his fingers.
"Ohh….so you've been checking me out," said Ruff, her obvious pleasure at his discomfort coming through in her voice.
"What? NO! Are you crazy? You're not supposed to be in here at the same time as me," he practically shouted. He kept his eyes trained firmly on a spot on the wall in front of him, so that he didn't accidentally see something he would really….really regret.
"Why not? I walk in on Tuff all the time. He doesn't dance around like you do," said Ruffnut, grabbing the paper.
"He's your brother…you grew up with him. That's normal for families…it's not normal to just walk in on any male," huffed Hiccup.
He heard fabric being pulled over skin again, and he almost cried with relief. Finally, it sounded like his torment would be soon over.
"Ngh…whatever," she replied, washing her hands in the basin.
Hiccup nearly jumped six feet up, when he felt her hands grabbing the edge of his towel to dry them.
"Ruffnut! Use the paper towel!" he shouted urgently, yanking the only barrier between his nakedness and her eyes away from her grasp.
Ruffnut rolled her eyes and headed out the door. "Boy, you sure are touchy," she complained, heading out the room. She left the door open, and Hiccup only took a second to close it. He kept his eyes firmly glued to the door in case it opened again, and rapidly dressed himself, not even bothering to dry his hair until all his clothes were in place. Only then, did he relax and finish the job.
Heading back to the office, he vowed to head straight to the hardware store before his appointment with Mrs Green, and buy himself a new door lock.
Hiccup was quickly descending into a foul mood, so when he opened the office door to find all his staff staring at him, he snapped. "What are you all looking at?"
"Oh, Ruff was just telling us where to find a nice pair of buns," said Snotlout, choking back a laugh.
"Don't bother looking, because that door will be locked from now on, " Hiccup told them firmly. He gathered up his paperwork, including the forms for the new client.
"Hey boss... if you can't find the girl of your dreams...I'll hook up with you," said Ruffnut, a strange gleam in her eyes.
Tuffnut and Snotlout sniggered while Fishlegs blushed deep red.
Hiccup gave her such a terrified look of revulsion and horror, that Tuffnut and Snotlout roared with laughter.
"Ah...no, thanks Ruff. Bachelorhood looking pretty inviting right now," said Hiccup nervously, backing away. Holding his paperwork tightly, he grabbed his jacket and car keys then practically ran out the office. But he was still close enough to hear Ruff say,"Ngh...I prefer my men with a bit more muscle anyway."
Hiccup didn't know if he should feel relieved or offended at the comment, but when he heard Snotlout suggest they should set him up with blind dates, Hiccup yelled back loudly, "NO!"