Title: Reflection

Authors: Meeko

Email: Meeko@BSBComic.com

Rating: PG

Disclaimer: Buffy, the Vampire Slayer, Buffy, and Spike do not belong to me. They are the wonderful creations of God (a.k.a. Joss Whedon) and are legally held by him, Mutant Enemy, Fox, UPN, etc. etc. All quotes in italics are direct lines from past episodes and therefore, they aren't mine either. To make a long story short-- don't sue me.

Spoilers: Contains quotes from "As You Were", "The Gift", "Intervention" and "Dead Things"

Summary: Set immediately after the end of "As You Were". Buffy reflects on her relationship with Spike.



"I can't love you. I'm just being weak and selfish."
"Really not complaining here."
"And it's killing me. I have to be strong about this. I'm sorry, William."

I slowly turn away from Spike and walk into the light, where I know he cannot follow. It takes all of my strength to stop me from looking back. I can feel his tear filled eyes staring at me and the fire that he had once ignited inside me is now burning out. The simplicity and warmth he brought quickly fades away and I am left empty and alone.
I don't love him. I can't love him. He's everything that I hate. The embodiment of what I've been taught to destroy. He's caused us all so much pain. He's done so many stupid things and hurt so many people. How many died by Spike's hands? He was a monster. Was...

"I know you'll never love me. I know that I'm a monster. But you treat me like a man."

No. Don't think about him Buffy. Don't. You need to be strong. You can't go to him. This needs to end now before it gets out of hand. Before anyone finds out what I've done.
I sit down on a bench in the cemetery and think about the things that I did. As the sun beats warmly against my skin I begin to doubt if I'm meant to love. I loved Angel. I was young and he was wonderful to me. He was the first person I ever loved and I turned him into a monster. A soulless thing. We could never be together and I've now gotten so used to being apart that when I'm near him I ache and feel true misery. We couldn't live in the light.
Riley. He fell in love with the girl, not the Slayer. And even after finding my faults he stood by my side. We had our moments in the sun, but looking back I don't think I was ever there. I couldn't open up to him and I drove him away.

"You are full of love. You love with all of your soul. It's brighter than the fire ... blinding."

Why am I drawn to him? Why can he make me feel like this? The wind gently brushes against my skin and I'm reminded of his touch. I think of all the things that we have experienced and I begin to weep. I'm not disgusted by them as I would like to believe. They had given me purpose, someone I could connect to. Where would I be without that spark? Without him at my side? He'd bring me the truth, always, no matter how ugly; even when my friends were too afraid. He forced me to live when all I wanted was death. But I used him. I hurt him worse than Riley could have ever harmed "The Doctor."

"You always hurt the one you love pet..."

I love Spike, more than I can stand. And it is for that reason alone that I can't go to him. Everyone I love leaves me and if he is lost, so am I. Dead inside forever, in a place where no magicks could ever find me or bring me back. I love him... and he can never know.