Finding New Hope

Summary: I still remember that week. The week Light won. I wish I hadn't taken things that far.

Chapter 1: Checkmate

30 047… 30 048… 30 049… I sigh. What's the point? I already know there are five hundred squares if I look to my right, and seven hundred if I look downwards in a perfect rectangle. In total 350 000 squares, minus eighteen, where the spotlights are. I've counted the squares over and over again, for the past years, it's nothing new. The squares hadn't been put up one by one, it was only square pattern in the blocks. It was twenty five squares in each block; ten blocks to the right and fourteen downwards. So it was 140 blocks. And eighteen of them weren't whole, due to the spotlights.

I look down, seeing the numerous programs about Kira on the different TVs in the other end of the room. Yagami Light surely hasn't been idle during the years I've been here. Everything had been taken to a whole new level as soon as the obstacle had been removed, said obstacle being me in this case. It was just a couple of weeks since America bowed down to the killer. Everything seems to be lost.

Yes, it's quite the blow to my ego, but there is nothing I can do about it. Fighting Light with the disadvantage I have to start with has just drained my energy. We are even fighters when we fight on equal terms. At least we were. No exercise for five years has weakened my muscles and even though I still know how to fight, I'm not powerful enough to fight against Light. He has been getting stronger and more fit as the years passed. He isn't much stronger, no muscles stand out and probably never will if I know that killer properly, but the muscles he had are more refined.

I sigh and look at the TV to the top left corner. The news are starting, which means Light will arrive at any second. He always has his lunch break around the time the news are showing, and during lunch he comes down to see me.

I turn my head away, not wanting to see Light's "achievement". Instead I look on Light's worktable. He's got several of them, this one was just everything he still did as "L", even though he now works alone.

I still remember that week. The week Light won.

It had started out just like any normal week. We had both been sitting trying to go through all the information the third Kira had given us. It was a note book that had been the cause of everything and I had once again started to doubt that Light could've been Kira at all. We'd kept him under surveillance for such a long time and I had only seen him do his homework. But at the same time, I hadn't doubted him when all the others said that criminals Light couldn't have known about were killed. So there was still a possibility. I felt it had to be him, but all the evidence pointed against it. And the shinigami didn't act like it knew Light either, so the law couldn't be created to suit the user's need. And then there was the thirteen days rule itself. It meant Light would be dead now if he was Kira. If Light was Kira, it meant the rule was false, and then he needed to have the note book in his possession, and most likely knew the shinigami.

'Ryuzaki, what is it?' Light's words woke me up and I realized I'd zoned out with my eyes on him.

'Nothing… I guess I'm just disappointed that you aren't Kira.' Light sighed, but turned his head back to the computer, deciding not to argue. We had had that fight before and it always ended with a few bruises and none of us had been satisfied afterwards.

A few minutes passed before Light said, 'Dad's late. He should've been here twenty minutes ago.'

I looked at the clock on the computer, before agreeing with him. I asked Watari if he had gotten any emergency signals, but he hadn't, so I guessed the man was just late for once. Even the most punctual could be once in a while. There weren't much we could do from where we were sitting but wait and see if he arrived. We could call his cell phone, but both me and Light concluded we would only receive the answer that he was on his way.

That's what I thought he was thinking, and I think that was what he wanted me to think.

Two minutes later his cell phone rang. Normally I didn't allow cell phones, but he had permission, as he had a life outside of work and a fake reason to be gone. It didn't matter; I still hated when a cell phone rang.

'Yes?' I heard Light answer but I kept focusing on my work. I don't remember what I was doing, it doesn't matter anymore, but I remember that I stopped at once as Light flew up into standing position and slammed his hand onto the table.

'What?' he half yelled and I turned my head to look at him.

His whole posture showed horror and his eyes held a glint that showed he didn't believe what the one on the phone said. It wasn't every day the guy reacted strongly, so it had to be something.

'How is he?' Light asked, sounding worried. He slowly sat down in the chair, staring blindly in front of himself for a few seconds. If Light was that shocked something horrible had probably happened and I wanted to know what. Despite my suspicion of him being Kira, we still were closer than most people so I wanted to know what could make Light look like that.

It was silent for a while, before Light asked, 'Do you want me to come over?' Apparently the other gave an affirmative as he stood up and said, 'I'll be there in a couple of minutes.' Then he hung up and turned to me. He swallowed and looked hurt where he stood.

'It was mom. She got a call from the hospital. Dad's been in a car accident. He didn't make it.' I stared at Light for a few seconds, before I nodded.

'Go see your mom and sister. I'll handle everything here.' He nodded and left. As the door closed I contacted Watari. He stated he would fix the standard life insurance and everything as it had happened on his way to work, which meant he died in service. I nodded, happy that I at least could do something for the family.

I looked at the shinigami, who just stood in the corner. I didn't like that she observed our work, but it was safer to have her here than letting her roam. Of course we hadn't told her to be here, we just kept the book here and she kept close to it. She hadn't reacted when Light had said that his father had died, though she didn't seem to care what happened.

It was unnerving, even I thought that. And I was the one who didn't care about anything if it didn't have anything to do with the cases I was interested in.

I kept on working, and all I did was waiting for either Watari to be finished with the financial things around Yagami-san's death or for Light to come back. I still didn't know, it could be an attack from Kira, but that meant Kira knew Yagami-san was a part of the investigation. Once again, suspicions could be drawn to Light. But they were at the same time directed away from there at once, because the Light I knew wouldn't kill his own father and be able to pretend that easily it wasn't something he was aware of. Or perhaps he could? He was able to use Amane like he did so why not everyone around him? But killing them? Killing his own father?

I sighed, and looked at the time again. The rest of the team would arrive soon. It was only Yagami-san who arrived early, and Light had decided to stay here all the time in order to catch Kira as soon as possible. That's what he had said at least. I knew he got a lot closer to me while he was there, so that could explain it. But maybe that was just because I refused to let go of the thought of Light being Kira.

'Ryuzaki, where's Yagami-san and Yagami-kun?' I looked up at Matsuda as he entered the room and almost caught me off guard. I told him the truth, but he didn't seem to believe it. I didn't bother with trying to convince him, he would understand soon enough anyway. My cell phone rang and I answered immediately.

'Ryuzaki, the police have identified the second driver in the collision.' I heard Light say and I listen carefully. 'His name's Saito Akio. The police have been looking for him for three months. He died as well.' I blinked. It could have something to do with Kira after all.

'I'll look into it,' I said, about to hang up.

'Ryuzaki!' He stopped me. 'I'm not coming back today. I need to make sure Sayu and mom are alright. Make sure you find something good.' He hung up before I was able to reply and I hung up, immediately looking up all the information about the man named Saito Akio I could find.

He was wanted for robbery, and had killed one man during the crime. It definitely sounded like something Kira would be interested in and if he could kill off the ones working with the case in the meantime, it wouldn't be so bad for him.

'Shinigami?' I asked, turning to look at the female. 'Is it possible to use the death note to make others kill a certain person?'

'Yes, if both names are written in the death note.' I turned back to the computer.

So either Kira had just accidently managed to kill off one of the agents who hunted him, or he had tried to cover it up. Then of course there was the possibility that he tried to cover up the truth for others that he killed those who weren't criminals. So if a criminal died a natural death, and dragged another with him, people wouldn't believe it was an act of Kira. They would simply become mad at criminals and get more hostile towards criminals.

It was almost certain Kira was the cause of Saito Akio's death, the question was; was he intentionally guilty of the murder of Yagami-san? I thought he was, it was too much of a lucky stroke to be able to be a coincident. It had to be intentional. I pressed the button to call Watari.

'Watari. Yagami-san was killed by Kira.' Matsuda, who still hadn't done any more noise since I told him about Yagami-san's death, reacted strongly with a "heeeh?" but I didn't pay him any attention.

'Do you have proof or only speculations?' Watari asked.

'It's seventy percent certain it was an intentional murder of Yagami-san. However it is true with a hundred percent rate that Kira is responsible for his death.' I hear Watari move before answering me.

'I understand. I'll change to full insurance for him.'

'Un,' I reply, before ending the conversation. Now I had to continue searching. If Light wasn't Kira, then who could it be?

Matsuda would prove to be more annoying than usual. He told everyone about Light's father's death and they all turned to me for confirmation. I was just pouring more and more sugar into my tea, as usual. It helped me think, even if I now don't remember what I was thinking about.

The next day, Mogi got in trouble. He did his best and managed to protect Amane Misa who was attacked at work. They both returned almost unharmed as Mogi had managed to shoot the man who attacked. Misa was immediately taken to the headquarters, where she had demanded to see Light, to the point where she had forced Mogi aside and ran into the work room.

I should've thought about it there and then, that the second Kira entered the room I was in, but the two were cleared. She couldn't be that different from last time I saw her, so I couldn't say anything more about it.

What I did think about however, was why Light stayed with her. I knew he didn't care about her, he had told me that, and she couldn't be useful for anything, now could she? OK, she had proven to be of help in capturing the third Kira (how that had happened was another story of interest to me), but I couldn't see it as being helpful enough to actually have her as a partner. She seemed like an annoyance more than anything else. But I could be biased in that aspect; I wasn't too fond of her after all.

She was allowed to stay at the headquarters, and, even though the others kept half an eye on her, they left most of it to Light as she was his girlfriend. I kept an eye at the two of them when they met, that was until Matsuda and Aizawa both considered it to be rude. Truth to be told, Matsuda said I was rude, while Aizawa said I had nothing to support my suspicions against them, so I had no right to spy on them. The guy had something in his head; he understood my intentions even though he didn't like them.

For three days things went on like that, Amane ran between her room and Light, who was getting noticeably annoyed with her. In the beginning he'd been OK with it, as if he really cared about the fact that she had been attacked, but I guess even his patience could come to an end.

The third day, Amane was standing by Light, hugging him, as the next thing happened. Mogi was on his way to a photo shooting to tell them it would be cancelled as he was attacked by a sniper. We immediately started to hunt for the sniper, but we couldn't find who had done it. We couldn't even guess.

Now here, Light was a surprise. I thought he would be calm, but he seemed even more certain than I was that this was Kira's work, and we had to catch him before it was too late. He said it couldn't be a coincidence that his father had died and that Mogi died a few days later. If the rest of them wanted to survive, we would have to find the killer and that fast.

It was annoying, because at the same time our colleagues started to die, the killings increased as if to spite us. It was a challenge and there was nothing we could do to answer it. I still wanted to find Light guilty but I had no proof that it was him, just a million proofs that it wasn't him. That was what it felt like, even though it was just a couple of them. The ones we had were enough to free him at any trial, even the most biased anti Kira men there were.

I knew he was challenging me and somehow I knew I would lose the game. The question was how many of the others would be killed and who I would remain with. No one knew mine or Watari's names, so we would remain, that was for sure. But who else?

Next was Matsuda. It was two days after Mogi's death. It would, once again, be called an accident and considering that Matsuda was bad at following safety regulations and so on, no one would have been surprised when he died. He had accidently electrocuted himself by dropping his cell phone, with charger, in the bathtub as it was filling with water and he was stupid enough to pick it up.

We weren't fooled however. It was Kira, and we all knew it. Three man down, five left, counting me and Watari. Three more that could be killed, counting Light as a normal guy, and not Kira. Of course, Amane could always be killed as well, though I doubted that would happen.

And if Light was Kira, two more would die before the killer would reveal himself.

It was Ide's time next. By now we were all aware that Kira tried to kill us, so when he was found collapsed on his way to the car, we didn't bother checking if it really was a heart attack or if it was another reason that had him collapsing. He still didn't trust me, but he was the one who was the most important of the ones within the police force among those working with the Kira case. Without him the investigation within the police would fall apart.

'Father died on Monday, Mogi-san on Thursday, Matsuda on Saturday and Ide-san died today, Sunday.' I turned my head to look at him. He'd probably thought the same as I had.

'He's increasing the tempo of the killing. Two of us will likely die tomorrow if he keeps this fashion.' Light shook his head.

'No, he'll kill again today.'

'And you're staying this calm!' Aizawa was at his limit. He wasn't prepared to leave his family, and I knew it. But at the same time he was still here, waiting for the next move to be made. Waiting for the next person to die. And if Light was Kira, it was just Aizawa left now.

'There is no use in panicking,' I state. If one panic, time for research disappears.

'That's easy for you to say! No one knows your name! You can't be killed!'

'But he is right,' Light stated, taking my side. 'My name is public, and Sayu and mom has been through enough losing dad. Losing me too would hurt them even more, still I am not panicking.' Aizawa seemed to take the words better from Light than from me and seemed to calm down.

'Now if you excuse, I need to talk to Misa.' He left and I looked after him.

I just felt as if something was wrong but I couldn't put my finger on what it was. It had to do with Light and it had to do with this entire situation. I did not like it and things were definitely getting out of hand. I needed to put him under arrest, and soon, because now it wasn't just my head telling me that he was the one, my instincts told me to run or make a final move. Things were not looking good.

'Watari, I'm certain. Light is Kira, can we catch him?' I ignored Aizawa when he protested loudly. 'Will we have to kill him? We have no proof, but I guarantee on my life that he's Kira. If I die within a couple of hours, if I die at all, Light is Kira.'

'We can always kill him, but you have never done something like that before, it's not like you. Is something wrong?' I bite my lip softly.

'I don't know. Something's going to happen, most likely within a couple of hours. I think this is when we end it all. And I don't think it will be in my favor.' It hurt me to say it. I didn't want to die, I still don't, but I was certain my time was coming to an end, within a couple of hours.

'I will finish it with a bullet in his head if I have to,' Watari said. I thanked him and ended the conversation.

I heard the door open, and Light returned, with Amane and Rem behind him. Was the shinigami in league with him after all?

A noise behind me attracts my attention, and I turn to see Aizawa falling to the ground, clearly having a heart attack.

'Ryuk, do it,' Light said and I suddenly felt someone grip me, holding me to the chair, even though I couldn't see anyone. I stared at Light. If it was someone I couldn't see that Light could order around, it had to be a shinigami. So there was more than one?

I watched Light go to the control table and made sure I wasn't recording or sending anything to Watari. Then he turned to me.

'If you die, Watari is to kill me and Misa, isn't that right?' I didn't answer. I didn't need to. He turned away from me, looking straight at Rem.

'Can you allow her to be killed? I thought you said you would kill me if I tried to put her name into the notebook. Will you let Watari kill her?' Rem looked down at him with a glare.

'What makes you so certain he would kill her?'

'L and I think alike. I would order Watari to kill the ones I suspect the most if something happened to me. And even if she wouldn't be killed, I would be. Do you want Misa to become unhappy because I died?' His arm slipped around Misa's waist. She seemed horrified of the thought of living without her beloved boyfriend.

'Rem! Please! Last time you promised to kill L if he needed you to. Please, I really want to be with Light!' Rem's eyes darkened.

'If it will make you happy, I will do it for you.' I saw her leave through the wall, while I was trying to fight off the invisible force that was holding me. I knew there wasn't any hope, but it didn't matter. I fought on instinct, trying to get rid of the shinigami who held me.

The screens suddenly went blank and I stopped fighting. I stared at the screens, swallowing slightly. If the screens were blank Watari had erased the memory, which meant he was dead. And I knew it was my time soon as well.

'Checkmate, L Lawliet.' I stared up at Light. He knew my real name, and he was taking out his pleasure by threatening me with it before he killed me. He took out a note book which looked very much like the one we had gotten from Rem, but I saw no rules on it. So they had all been fake? Or were some real, and some false, written to confuse us?

He went over to me, and let the notebook slip through my fingers, so I could see the black hand holding me. It was definitely a shinigami, but as it was, I didn't care. He knew my name, and would kill me with it whether I was there or not so it didn't matter if I ran.

'How did you manage to trick everyone?' I asked. If I got enough time I might be able to get free and then kill him, so he didn't have the time to write my name. That was what I wanted at least, but Light just grinned.

'Don't all bad guys lose when they tell their story? And since you see me as the bad guy, perhaps I shouldn't tell you before you're dead.' He opened the note book and I watched him write down a name. I fought harder to get lose, but the shinigami was too strong. It didn't stop me from trying.

As I looked up at Light, I saw him bring Misa closer to himself and he said, 'Your eyes have been everything I need. Thanks to you, I've been able to defeat L. Thank you Misa.'

'Misa-Misa will do anything for you, Light. Just a-…' She stopped talking, staring up at Light, and I understood she was in pain. She gripped him harder, and Light started to pat her hair softly. 'L-… Light…' she went limp, and I realized something; Light hadn't put my name into the note book, but Amane's.

I watched as Light let her fall to the ground and he turned to me. I stared at him, waiting for something more, waiting a couple of more seconds to see if I was right or if I was about to die soon as well. But nothing happened.

'You didn't want her help anymore then?' I asked just to say something and keep some of my dignity. He grinned at me.

'All I wanted her for was to get your name. Now I have it, in writing, just not in the death note. I want you to see me gain power over the world. You were right, I am Kira. The first Kira and everything has gone like I planned. The unforeseen things were easily wrapped into the plan and my biggest problems were you and Rem. A shinigami dies if they prolong someone's life. She didn't know that by dying herself, she shortened Misa's life. So she prolonged it by killing Watari, only to shorten it a few seconds later because she died. And there was nothing she could do about it.'

'And me?' I asked, just because I wanted to know what he planned. We were even fighters, and unless this shinigami planned to help Light, I had some chance of getting away. He moved and placed himself behind my shoulder. I tilted my head slightly to the side to look at what he was doing, but I was too late. He hit me over the neck, a well aimed hit that made me unconscious.

That was five years ago. For the first couple of months I was kept in Amane's room at the headquarters, and then he moved me here, claiming he'd built it just for me. I've been kept here ever since, and I was not happy with it in the beginning. I'm still not happy with it, but I can live with it. What other choice do I have? Bite through my tongue and die? I can't…

The door opens and I glance at the TV with the news. The program has ended.

'You're late,' I state, looking at him. He apologizes and smiles at me in the same way he would've if he had been late for a date and was apologizing to the girl for making her wait. It is just like him to pretend to be the good boy, even in front of me who knows his true colors.

I feel him sit down on the bed but I look away from him. I know what he's going to do, I don't need to keep an eye on him. The chains keeping my hands tied to the bed are loosened and I feel him pulling them down gently. He starts to massage them to get the circulation running normally. He still doesn't want me to be too uncomfortable, he wants my body to work properly, despite the fact that I'm not allowed to move. Being tied up to a bed for five years isn't the most comfortable thing you could do, trust me.

I realize he said something, and look up at him with a questioning look.

'Did you miss me, Lawliet?' he repeated, but I just look away again. I hate when he says my name. I've always kept it hidden, and the fact that he's calling me that makes me uncomfortable. It's like yelling out my biggest secret to the entire world, even if it would just be a whisper in my ear. I can't take it.

'Haven't you gotten over it yet? I've called you by name for so long it should be a habit by now.' I glare up at the man who I just wanted to hate, yet had to hope wouldn't forget me. I would die if he did.

'Where's Ryuk?' I ask, suddenly realizing he's not here, and he's always with Light. The killer smirked.

'On a mission. I promised him a couple of apples for it, some of them would be given to him by Mikami. I've understood I need a new pair of eyes, Amane could actually be useful at times. Even though most people I need to execute have the names out.' So he was recruiting someone?

'Doesn't sound like you. Considering how far you've come without them, why do you need the eyes?' Light smiled, before taking my shirt off and flipped me over on my stomach.

'I have full control of the police, but the underworld uses too many nicknames and in order to get rid of them all, I need the eyes. Mikami Teru is able to do that job perfectly. He's one of my greatest supporters and views me as his god. So he'll do anything to make me happy. Giving up half his life is not an exception.' I knew about that deal. Light had told me long ago and I had understood that if he was able to kill his father he would be able to do anything cruel. He had no heart. He had told me it had been hard to write down his father's name, but it had to be done.

I shiver as I feel his hands over my back, even though I knew they would start touching me any second. He's giving me a massage to start the blood circulation properly, getting rid of any wastes my body would collect as I don't move enough. At the same time he makes sure to fix any risks of getting wounds. Maybe it sounds crazy, that he puts me through this, and still cares about my health, but apparently he does. Or else he's just torturing me even more, by prolonging my life this way. That works too.

'So, how long have you been thinking about it?' I ask, not bothering about clarifying, he'll understand.

'For a couple of months. You might remember when I hit you a while back. It was because I couldn't get rid of a serial killer; he was able to hide behind aliases. After that, I've been looking for someone who's thinking like me, with a strong sense of justice. I've seen him in a couple of programs and heard about him in several cases. He's a prosecutor, and a good one on top of it. He is perfect.'

'So Ryuk is making the first contact now?' I ask. He wouldn't use Ryuk as his first choice if he didn't have to, and nothing indicates that he needs to remain hidden from the world anymore. So why use Ryuk?

'Don't be stupid. Ryuk is just going there to hand over a note book and make the contract. I contacted him over the telephone. He sounded like he would've fallen to his knees if I had stood in front of him.' I feel disgusted by his way of speaking about it. He's really taking his role of a god seriously, enjoying every minute of it.

It makes me wonder if he's telling me the whole truth. Maybe it wasn't that failure that made him decide to find someone to order around, maybe it was more to do with the fact that everything is going so smoothly it's getting boring, so he needs something more now to entertain himself with. A follower who'll do anything for him would probably satisfy that need for a while.

His hands start touching my shoulder blade, and I hiss out. It feels like the shoulder blades are burning, especially the left one. My hiss is all he needs to know I'm sore.

I remember when I did everything to push him away when he did this. That strength I had, not physical, but mental. Where did it go? I wonder every day how I could give up like that, yet I don't fight anymore. I wish I did, but I don't. There's nothing left of the me I used to be. If I was given the opportunity to run, I'm not sure I would take it. It's like the elephants in India. Chained as calves they learn that they can't escape, so as adults they won't try, even if they can escape. Learned helplessness, isn't that what Martin Seligman and Steve Maier called it?

Heh, to think I'm putting a diagnosis on myself. I never thought that would happen.