I'm standing in an alley. Two girls are approaching. A blonde and a brunette.
-''Hey'' the brunette says.
I turn around, arms crossed. She offers me a handshake with a polite smile:
-''I'm Carly. I have been so curious to meet you''
I neither respond nor return the handshake. She laughs awkwardly:
-''Err... and this is my friend, Sam''
Then, she pokes her friend:
-''Come on, Sam, when we meet someone, we say hello, it's one of the first lessons
i taught you''
-''Whatever, i don't care'' Sam shrugs instead of greetting me.
-''SAM'' Carly scolds her friend, then she turns back to me:
-''Excuse my friend, she's a little rude, but she's not a bad person... at least not a lot''
-''You're both bad persons'' i finally speak.
-''Wha...''
-''I know who you are, Carly Shay'' i continue. ''A Mary Sue. A super lucky creature who was born
under ideal conditions, who never suffered and who is so insensitive to people less lucky than her.
People like Nevel Papperman, Chuck Chambers, Ricky Flame and so many others. All those
creatures were lost souls. Like me. They needed help. Yet, what you did to them? Humiliated
them, filled them with even more anger, made them even more miserable, then continued your
blessed life, not giving a fuck about how much pain your victims feel. Because, those people and i,
we are the real victims. Not you, bitch. Not your bastard brother, Spencer. And, definitely, not that
asshole, Sam''.
Carly's mouth is open in shock. Sam laughs in sass. She walks towards me, intending to do what
she usually does, what she has brought down even big and bulky men with. Except the reason
that works for her is because, in Icarly universe, for some reason, everybody just sits there and
lets her approach them and take the right position to catch them off guard. Normally, i wouldn't
make it so easy for her, but, since, in Icarly universe, everybody falls for her telegraphed attacks,
i will just write myself falling for that as well, just to play by the series' universes rules.
-''Nice speech, sweetie, but...'' she says in ironic compassion while caressing my arm.
Next moment, she grabs my arm and delivers a knee strike on my balls. I fall down, immobilized by
pain.
-''...next time you badmouth my friend, Carly, i will do some real damage to you, nothing like the
love tap i just warned you with''.
She turns to her friend:
-''Come on, this piece of shit is not worth talking to. Let's go grab some tacos''
Carly keeps staring in shock for a few more moments. Finally, she regains her relaxed expression
(which is probably accompanied by some, unheard by the characters, laughtrack) and laughs:
-''Oh, Sam, you're so violent sometimes''
-''Oh, shut up'' Sam laughs back.
The two besties walk away, hugging each other's shoulders, leaving me in my misery. Just like they
did to so many others.
The episode probably ends with some bullshit, like Spencer's head in a baby's body or Carly playing
the dumb farmer. Because they have no reason not to do bullshit, they have no reason not to feel
calm; whenever they felt they needed revenge against someone, they always had it, in the most
sickening ways. It's people like me, Nevel, Chuck and others who are psychotic because we could
never have revenge. If we could, maybe we would also play noble afterwards, like her majesty Carly.