A/N: Written for the Diversity Writing Challenge, D24 – write using the predestination paradox device.
give me the ability to turn back time
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He asked for the ability to turn back time.
That was a mistake.
He should have asked for something else.
But he kept on asking for the same thing.
Because he didn't have the price for anything else anymore.
.
He had lots of chances. Every single one of them ended the same.
And he realised it too late.
The price of turning back time was the time – and what he'd gained from it. And that was all he had left. And the only time he could see himself spiralling in a circle – a circle that had no beginning nor end.
By then, the choice had already been made to start it all again.
It was too late.
.
Kumi was there. She was always there. Alive. Next to her.
Getting further away as he let the rest of the world get under his skin.
Why oh why did he let the rest of the world under his skin?
If he didn't, he wouldn't kill Kumi. He wouldn't have to rewind time to save her.
Why couldn't he just be satisfied with a life without abilities but with Kumi.
Why couldn't he learn, after all those times, that his longing for something more would just kill her again.
.
He started over. Every time. Without memories. Without abilities. With that coincidental meeting – with the proprietor of the Ability Shop.
And what she offered him was too much for him to resist. Unfortunately.
He could never resist it. The offer to become something more than nothing.
He couldn't offer his eyes fast enough.
.
It would be fine, if he had those abilities but didn't drive Kumi away in the process.
But that seemed impossible.
He just couldn't manage it. And he just couldn't remember to try.
And then Kumi would be gone. And he would be drunk on his newfound abilities and chasing after her. Chasing too hard. Striking too strongly. Scaring her.
And then killing her.
And wishing her back alive. Any way he could.
But when he only had seconds left of his life, there wasn't much of it left to pay.
(besides, the proprietor said, there was no power that could bring back the dead.)
.
Maybe turning back time was hopeless. But it was all he could do. To spend time with Kumi. To try and save her.
If only he had his memories, he could. Everything he'd done. Everything he'd learnt.
Though if he had all those, he wouldn't have the time –
It was a paradox he couldn't seem to wriggle out of.
.
Surely it couldn't happen forever.
But maybe it could. If nothing ever changed…
Though he never had enough time to work out if nothing had really changed –
Because the world would just start running with him again.
He didn't even have time to ask.
Would something come out of it this time?
.
It was the same. Always the same. He'd be the nobody that only Kumi would pay attention to, and that wouldn't be enough. Then he'd trip over that sign and sign his seconds and minutes and days and weeks and months of his life away and get better and better abilities and grab the attention of every person in the school…
Except for Kumi, who'd slowly drift away and he wouldn't even notice until it was too late.
Why did he never notice he was losing her..?
.
The proprietor never said anything. He wondered if it was because time was reset for her as well, or he just hadn't paid the price for it.
And why didn't he ever manage to ask her what the price for changing the past would be?
Every time they got to that point…
And time would just rewind and he'd lose and gain everything again.
.
He'd really made the wrong choice. But there was never time to regret it. Hardly any time to even realise it.
He should have wished for the power to bring her back instead. The power to reverse everything he'd done, instead of just reversing time.
But his ego had gotten too big by then, and he'd asked for that…
And it didn't seem like he was ever going to remember or realise enough to change it.
.
Kumi, Kumi, Kumi…
Why couldn't he just be happy for her?
Why couldn't he just let her go?
(but, in truth, that was a very minor problem)
Why couldn't he just be content with a life without abilities if it was to be with her?
And why couldn't he stop before everything spiralled out of control.
.
Destiny. It must have been destiny. There was nothing else.
Though there was never enough time to grasp that before time rewound.
Somehow, he never learnt. His memories…he forgot them. And, somehow his body and soul forgot as well. Nothing remembered.
Nothing remembered until Kumi was dead and he'd made that desperate wish to go back in time again.
.
What would happen if he didn't go back in time, he wondered?
Kumi would stay dead. He'd die seconds after the regret and the desperate bid for a second chance.
What else?
Kumi would never have died. Because he wouldn't have had to sacrifice everything to go back in time for a chance to save her.
It was a paradox. Which only made sense when time turned back.
He'd trapped both of them in it. Him…and poor innocent and sweet Kumi as well.
He'd done that.
And now there was no end to the cycle he'd begun.
.
Time turned back, again and again.
And again and again, he would up in the same moment. Seeing. Understanding. Regretting.
Starting over and losing it all for another chance…
Or, rather, for the illusion of another chance.
Because the time loop was closed. Because the same choices, the same results, repeated themselves time and time again. Things couldn't happen otherwise. It was impossible.
It was the meaning of the closed loop.
But without his memories, he started each one with ignorance, and ended each with both despair and hope.
Only she, the proprietor, knew there was no real hope.
Time restarted – again and again, it restarted for him.
Not for her.