Feyre

I got three days of reprieve when Tamilin dragged me back to my prison cell of a room. I spent much of the time reminding myself that I could get free any time I wanted, that all I'd need to do would be to winnow out and I could be free. I told myself that I was here for my people, the people of Velaris, who needed me. Who needed the protection I could offer. And I was here for Rhys, who would never have permitted this if there was any other way.

But the first night that Tamlin came for me, I put down shields of adamant without even a crack for Rhys to slither through. I knew I had to do what Tamlin expected of me. I could not resist, even the tiniest bit. I had to participate, pretend like I was happy here in his arms.

He was gone when I awoke in the morning.

I curled into myself, feeling nothing except for the shame of what I had done. I hadn't resisted. I had allowed a male not my mate to hold me, touch me, ravish me. I felt so dirty. I finally felt what I'd never truly felt when I was worrying about moving on from Tamlin too fast. I felt like a whore. A traitor. A two faced traitor.

Whore. Whore. Traitor. Two faced traitor. Whore. Stupid whore. Good for nothing but pleasuring men. You don't deserve a loving mate.

My mind was numb until something made totally of love gently feathered against my mental shields. I felt the question in it. To answer, I reopened the tiny crack in my shields that I always left for him and him alone, bracing myself for wrath.

But all I got was sympathy.

In my guilt and shame, I'd forgotten that he knew. Rhys had laid next to his enemy and given her pleasure in order that he might destroy her. He became Amarantha's whore. Just as what I'd done had made me Tamlin's, but only to destroy him.

I could feel the suppressed anger, I could feel how much it physically hurt him to know what I had to do last night, and would have to do again for many nights in the future. But he was putting it away, because he knows.

He knows what it feels like to wake up in the morning knowing that every fiber of you has done something so wrong that the very air seems to shake with it. What it feels like to know that you have to do it again and again for a long time after.

All I could feel along the bond was raw love, sympathy, and understanding. My tears fell silently down my face, writing my shame for the world to see. I felt a ghostly hand trailing gently down my cheek.

Oh Feyre, Feyre love. It was Rhys. I could never stop loving you. I don't.. I don't like this. Any more than you do. But I understand. And I'm so so sorry that this is happening. You can come home anytime, darling. Do not do this at risk to yourself. Do not let yourself go back to that depressed existence.

I sniffed, and wiped my tears on the sheets.

I didn't have you then. And now I do. I'll always have you if I have anything to say about it. I love you Rhys.

As I love you, Feyre darling. Come with me for a moment?

He brought me into the antechamber of his mind which was transformed into the cabin. He gently allowed me to see myself from his perspective. The guilt he felt as he told me every moment of his story, especially that time with Amarantha. How completely amazed and floored he was when I handed him that simple bowl of soup. How beautiful I was to him. How much he loves me and for how long.

I sat up.

I could face today.

Thank you Rhys.

Rhys

Three days after Feyre got back to the Spring court, she blocked me completely out of her mind for the first time. Her doing so actually woke me out of a restless sleep. Knowing why she'd block me, knowing what he was doing to her, chased sleep from my aching head and aching heart. I went to go sit with Cassian and Azriel as they healed, to find Mor and Amren there as well. Amren silently got up when I walked in.

"Can't sleep?" Mor asked in a voice hoarse from tears and lack of sleep. I simply shook my head. She tilted her head in a way that asked for more. I took a deep breath.

"Feyre blocked me out," was all I said. Mor's eyes were understanding. I hated myself. I knew what I could be sending her into. And I'd let her go, knowing she would be hurt in so many ways and that I couldn't rescue her. I knew that she wanted to help, that she loved our people. But I knew what it was like to do terrible, terrible things for those you love.

"She's strong," Mor said, almost as though she was trying to convince herself, "She'll get through it." I know that she was remembering the same thing I was.

When I finally came home from my forty-nine years Under the Mountain, broken by Amarantha. Amarantha's whore. That would follow me for the rest of my immortal life, and I can only bear it because I could see Velaris there now, having never been touched by that creature or her followers. Three months of endless pain, learning to live with it while trying not to think of what my mate would think of me for what I'd done. Not to mention every moment of those forty-nine years of pain where I just had to sit and watch her destroy innocents. And help her.

I could not spare my Feyre the pain of what she has to do, but I can spare her the pain of worrying about what I would think of her. Especially since she accidentally did the same thing for me from the beginning, never judging what I once did, only my current actions.

Mor sat with me all night in vigil, waiting for the guys to wake up. Waiting for Feyre to wake up. Never mentioning the tears on each other's faces, but always keeping hands clasped. Suddenly, I felt more awareness down the bond, things that neither of us could shield from the other. I stood up suddenly. Mor nodded and let go of my hand so that I could walk back to my room to be in private.

Suddenly, even with her shields up, I could hear Feyre's thoughts, as though part of her knew she needed me even though she didn't think she could ask.

Whore. Whore. Traitor. Two faced traitor.

It just got worse from there. Tears filled my eyes as I felt my own self-hatred mirrored in her heart and soul. It broke something inside me. I sent the love I felt for her down our bond, gently stroking her shields, asking her to let me in. I felt the sob in my soul as she let me back into her mind, and I mirrored it as I felt the complete self-loathing that consumed her.

I could kill him for what he's done to her. Three days and this is how quickly he destroyed her self worth. I will not let her be destroyed again.

All she could do was cry, and all I could do was love her, and show her I understand, that I'm not angry at her. I simply allowed her to feel how much I loved her and adored her. How much she meant to me and the knowledge that I'd never stopped loving her. How could I ever, when she came to Amarantha's whore knowingly, and loved him completely? She gave me then what she needed now: unconditional love. I concentrated and gave her a mental feeling of me wiping away her tears and spoke to her.

Oh Feyre, Feyre love. I could never stop loving you. I don't.. I don't like this. Any more than you do. But I understand. And I'm so so sorry that this is happening. You can come home anytime, darling. Do not do this at risk to yourself. Do not let yourself go back to that depressed existence.

I heard her quietly begin to calm down at the sound of my mental voice.

I didn't have you then. And now I do. I'll always have you if I have anything to say about it. I love you Rhys. I hated leaving her there, but I was glad my presence was comforting now rather than a burden. I knew in that moment what she needed most to see.

As I love you, Feyre darling. Come with me for a moment? I opened up a place in my memories for her.

I knew that reliving the beginning of this would be difficult, and it was. Every time I thought about the time Under the Mountain it was painful. Amarantha would haunt me forever. But the bright spot of memory and dreams that was Feyre would keep me sane, whether she knows it or not.

And just only a very few days ago, when she truly understood and accepted our bond. The sheer and overwhelming joy I felt in that moment would live in me forever, no matter what happened. She chose me. She knew me and she chose me anyway. She saw my mistakes, she saw the darkest parts of me. She shone the light in those dark corners and help me clear away the dust and put away the boxes I'd shoved there.

I felt her stop crying.

I felt her resolve come back.

I felt her sit up.

I felt her choose.

Thank you Rhys. That's all she said. That's all she needed to say.

Anytime for you, Feyre darling. That's all I said. That's all I needed to say.

Our love spoke to us better than words did anyway.