Disclaimer: I do not own Castle
Summary: Beckett is haunted by a tragedy at work. Set in the near future after "Ten Minutes Ago".
Blood on My Hands-
-A Story
Kate was acutely aware of the pounding in her ears.
And she was faintly aware that it was the sound of her own pulsing blood.
Da-dum. Da-Dum. Da-Dum
Over and over like a raging wind during a sea storm.
She pushed her back against the wall, just before the door. She could feel her own breath moving against the plaster, pushing her away and then pulling her back.
In. Out. In. Out.
She brought her piece up and looked to her right. Across the open doorway she could see Castle, staring at her. Waiting for instructions.
She quickly shook her head, clear directions that he was to stay where he was. His brow rose and her gaze narrowed.
No.
Carefully, Kate turned her body, so she could peak into the room.
She felt her heart drop and her pulse quicken at the same time.
The pounding in her ears increased until it was all that she could hear.
Da-Dum. Da-Dum. Da-Dum.
Blood. There was blood.
Esposito was on the ground. Motionless.
Ryan was wrestling Daniels. The thick sound of a punch echoed through the air.
Ryan's piece went flying across the room and they scuffled.
Esposito still wasn't moving.
Another punch sounded and Ryan was down. Daniels flew across the room and picked up the gun. Ryan made a scramble for Esposito's; the motionless detective still armed.
"Not another move, Detective," Daniels said; standing with the gun raised.
Ryan froze, on his hands and knees, close to Esposito but not close enough.
Kate needed no further encouragement.
"Put the gun down, Daniels," she said, flipping around the wall, her service piece raised and ready.
Daniels cocked his head to the side, his back to her, and peered at her just over his shoulder. "Or what?"
"You know what," she said, taking a small step forward as Ryan slowly inched towards Esposito's gun.
"Not another move, either of you," Daniels said, holding the gun higher; his shaking hand steadying as his eyes narrowed on Ryan.
"Put the gun down," Kate reiterated, taking a small step forward. "Now."
"I thought I told you not to take another step, Detective."
"Now, Daniels, don't make me do this," Kate pressed forward. It was moment's like these that they had trained for. Prepared for. And despite her readiness Kate wanted nothing more than to run far, far away. "I will shoot you."
Daniels laughed. Ryan crawled a few more inches. And still, Esposito didn't move.
"Detective, I suggest that you be the one to lower your weapon. Or have you forgotten that I have mine pointed at your partner?"
"If you shoot him, then I will fire."
"Then it appears as if we're in a lose/lose situation, Detective," Daniels countered, taking a step towards Ryan; who moved back slowly.
Kate took a step forward. She silently prayed that Castle was not about to run into the room and attempt to help. Another unarmed man was the last thing she needed at the moment.
"That is," Daniels continued. "Unless you lower your weapon. I promise I'll be a good boy and leave without hurting anyone."
"It's a pity I don't like the way that story ends," Kate said. Had she been thinking normally she would have chastised herself for alluding to stories. She really was spending way too much time with Rick Castle.
"Are you sure about that, Detective?" Daniels sneered. "Because I'm pretty sure I asked your buddy over there to stop moving. And we all know what happens to people who don't follow the rules."
Kate only meant for it to be brief. A quick glance in the direction of Ryan to silently tell him to stop moving. It was supposed to be quick and yet, somehow, Daniels was faster.
Kate's eyes shot to Ryan. The minute her eyes locked with the other detectives the man was jumping towards her, screaming: "Beckett!"
Kate's eyes snapped back to Daniels. In the split second it had taken her to look away he had turned fully so Ryan's service piece was level with her eyes.
Three shots rang through the air.
Detective Kate Beckett woke with a start.
Her breathing was heavy and she tried to calm herself. But she felt clammy and trapped. She tried to move the sheets that were around her away, but as she did she realized an arm was wrapped protectively around her middle; pulling her tighter, but to what she didn't know. She twisted and kicked, trying to work herself free as panic consumed her.
A loud groan sounded somewhere in the dark. She was pulled tighter still and she fought harder. She just wanted to get away.
"Kate?"
She froze as the arm tightened again. She knew that voice. She knew it well. "Rick?" She panted, searching behind her in the dark for the face she recognized.
The bedside light clicked on and realization came to her. She was in Castle's room, in his bed. Her breathing began to calm as she sunk into the mattress; thanking any higher power that she wasn't where she thought she had been.
A dream. A nightmare. And yet, she knew it was so much more. Her panic was quickly replaced with frustration.
"What's wrong?" Castle said, settling back into the bed and leaning towards her. His hand swooped across her brow and he immediately shot up again. "You're drenched." He quickly grabbed the blankets around them and threw them off, giving Kate the escape she had been searching for. The entire area around her was soaked with her own sweat.
"Do you have a fever?" He asked, bringing his hand to her forehead.
Kate hit his hand away, "No," she said, pushing herself out of bed. In two long strides she was at the dresser and she quickly searched through her single drawer, which she had taken over for her nights here, for a fresh pair of pajamas.
"Kate." Her name. It was as simple as that. He didn't ask a question. But he didn't need to. The tone of his voice. The simple statement. All of his questions were wrapped tightly within the confines of her name.
She really was spending way to much time with him.
"I just had a nightmare." Liar. It wasn't just a nightmare. And he knew it. And she knew he knew it.
"Again?"
Kate chose not to respond, simply busying herself with the task of putting on fresh pajamas. Castle sighed quietly and watched her change through the mirror; his eyes, for once, not focused on her body but her tired eyes and face.
Kate kept her eyes focused on the ground as she changed, not wanting to see the way that Castle was looking at her. Knowing it would be the look of worry she had gotten for the past week. And quite frankly she was tired of it.
At least he had the decency not to push the subject.
But then…
"Do you think," Castle spoke quietly and Kate froze, her calf resting against the side of the bed as she was ready to climb back in.
"Do I think what?" She didn't mean to sound challenging, but she did. And she couldn't say that she was sorry, because she really did not want to have this conversation now. She wanted to sleep, though she knew it would not come to her.
Castle sighed again and looked up, holding Kate's gaze. "Do you think maybe you should---talk to someone."
Kate felt her heart drop and she slowly backed away from the bed, "No," she said, crossing her arms and leaning against the wall, as much space between them the better—because, damn him for asking that, when he knew that was the last thing she wanted.
"Kate, this is the fifth time this week…"
Seventh, really, but he didn't need to know that.
"I'm fine, Castle."
"No, you aren't."
"Yes I am."
"Kate---."
"No," Kate said, holding out her hand, physically stopping him from speaking.
Castle sighed as his own frustration began to take hold. She knew she was being difficult and if this were any other situation she would have chastised herself for it. But this wasn't any other situation.
She didn't want to talk about it. Talking about it would make it even more real than it already was. She simply wanted it to go away. Bury it someplace that she would never again find.
"Kate, you aren't sleeping. You put yourself in a corner during the day and you won't speak to anybody."
"What I am supposed to do?" Kate challenged, leaning forward slightly. "I can't go back to work until the paper work is filed and they finish the investigation."
Castle shook his head and pushed himself to the end of the bed so he was closer to her. She could tell that he wanted to reach for her. But he didn't, keeping his arms glued to his side. "It isn't healthy," he argued, Kate averted her eyes, looking across the room as she hugged herself tighter. "You need to talk to someone, anyone. Even if it's just me." She could tell he was hurt by his own words. Rick Castle shouldn't be a "just me" to her. Because he was so much more than that. If she was to talk to anyone about what happened, it should be him. But she didn't want to talk. She didn't want to remember. She wanted to forget.
"I hate seeing you like this."
Kate snapped her head back to Castle, where his eyes immediately bore into hers. "Maybe you wouldn't have to see me like this if you would just do as I ask and leave me alone."
Her own rage flared. Didn't he get it?
Her defense finally seemed to make Castle snap. He stood up and took a step towards her, closing in but still giving her space. "I told you, I'm not going to leave you alone. Not when you're like this."
"Then stop complaining."
"Complaining?" Castle scoffed and Kate was silently thankful that his room was on the first floor, away from the rest of the house. "I'm worried about you."
"I didn't ask you to be."
Kate was surprised at how far Castle's jaw actually dropped. "I don't—What?---In case you've forgotten we're a couple now. That's what couples do."
"I hadn't forgotten, but thank you for reminding me."
Castle shook his head and rubbed his temples. He took in deep calming breaths. "They're not going to let you return to work in the state you're in."
"I'm fine."
Kate hugged herself tighter still.
"You don't need to do this alone, Kate. Just---talk to me."
His voice was almost desperate and Kate could feel guilt beginning to rise in her stomach like bile. "Can't we just go back to bed?"
"No." Despite her own spinning emotions, Kate's brow rose. She had never heard Castle use such a demanding and serious tone. "Not until you talk to me."
And like that her own frustrations were back. Why couldn't he just leave well enough alone? "What do you want me to say, Rick? What?"
Castle shook his head. "What ever you want," he said, taking a cautious step forward and placing his hand on hers. He had nerve, she would give him that.
She didn't answer. She simply looked back at him. He sighed and looked up, thinking. "Like---what happened."
Kate rolled her eyes and pushed him away, walking across the room; feeling too crowded. "You know what happened." Castle made to respond and she held her hand up. "Don't pretend that you don't, I know you were in the room; despite my instructions. You never were good at listening."
The smallest of smirks wisped across Castle's face at her small jab. "Be that as it may. I still don't know what happened to you."
Kate shook her head. "You were there---."
"No," Castle said, shaking his head. "I may have been. But I don't know what you were thinking, feeling. What you're thinking now."
"You want to know what I'm thinking and feeling?" Kate whirled to face Castle, more venom lacing her words than she intended. She felt like she was being forced to speak, forced to confess. It was an effect he had on her. She couldn't avoid it; she never had been able to. He could give her the simplest of looks and her inner thoughts came pouring out.
I'm like a Jedi like that. And he was. Damn him.
"I want to go back to work," she said, beginning to pace. "I'm tired of sitting here, idly twiddling my thumbs while the rest of the world keeps turning." In her work she would find solace. There would be no one forcing her to talk. She would bury herself in it. It was what she did and what she loved. It was her safe haven---and yet… "But even thinking about going back scares the hell out of me. I can't have something like this happen again. And who knows what else could happen."
"Kate," Castle paused and she held her breath, wondering what he was going to say. What could he possibly say, she wondered. "It---it isn't your fault. These things—they can't be avoided."
"Yes they can!" Kate all but yelled, her heavy breathing returning as her pulse began to race. Suddenly the room began to close in on her, confining her and setting her senses on high. She needed to breathe, she needed to get out. "We're trained to prevent these situations. And if I were a better cop I would have."
"No, you are amazing at what you do," Castle said, furiously shaking his head. "Death is a part of your job description. It's bound to happen."
His words were harsh and blunt, but laced with a tender understanding. An understanding he was trying to make her see. But she would have none of it.
"But this isn't just death, Rick! This isn't just some body that was found on the side of the road."
Her voice was steadily rising, the pitch high and frightened. She paced faster, arms wrapped around herself tighter than ever; her eyes trained on the ground. Images of her dream flashed before her, more real than ever.
Blood. Esposito. Ryan. Daniels.
Didn't he get it?
"Kate," Castle's voice was calm and warm, trying to calm her down. He placed his hand on her shoulder. "You were protecting yourself."
Kate whirled around and suppressed a frustrated scream. "I didn't just protect myself!" Her breathing was thick and erratic, as more images flashed before her. Closer than ever. Red. Blood. "I killed someone, Rick. What part of that don't you understand?"
"Kate--." He tried again.
"No! Don't try to sugar coat it. Daniels is dead, because of me."
Kate wondered what her face looked like. For she couldn't even feel it; numbness beginning to encompass her being. But whatever it looked like, it was enough to make Castle look away as she turned to him.
"Even writers can't deny facts, Rick."
And then Kate walked from the room, leaving Richard Castle behind.
Time seemed to slow as the three bullets shot across the room.
They hit Daniels with three loud pops just as Ryan reached Kate, pulling her to the ground as Daniels' own shots fired through the air. They tumbled and rolled slightly, once they stopped moving both detectives turned in time to see Daniels' body hit the ground with a sickening thud.
A feeling of dread like one she had never felt before grabbed hold of Kate, choking her. She knew. Though she and Ryan were far away--Though they really couldn't see. She knew. For it was different; very different this time. The way his body fell. The way his eyes rolled slightly, wide and void with emptiness. She knew. She could feel it in the air. She knew. Before his body had even hit the ground, Kate knew that Daniels was dead.
The pounding in her ears finally ceased, only to be replaced by the haunting buzz of silence. She couldn't hear anything. She couldn't move. She simply stared as Daniels' body bounced slightly from impact before becoming still; the last movement his body would ever make.
There was movement around her; Kate saw it all, yet none of it at the same time. Ryan was suddenly gone, checking on Esposito as ESU filed into the room, surrounding Daniels.
It's no use she wanted to tell them. But she couldn't find her voice. She couldn't even remember how to speak. Through the throng of the officers that had filed in, she could see Daniels' foot sticking out from the huddle they had surrounded him in. It still wasn't moving.
"Kate."
Her name echoed in her mind, bouncing and turning; though she didn't even recognize it. Suddenly someone grabbed her arms and she was being pulled to her feet; two pairs of hands immediately beginning to check her over
"Detective, are you alright?"
She had to respond. But she couldn't speak. She couldn't find her voice. She wasn't even sure if she knew what words were.
And still Daniels' foot didn't move.
"Kate."
She heard the word again closer but still far away. Slowly, she turned her head to the left, where she thought she heard the sound from. Castle was beside her, his hand on the small of her back, his brow creased with concern and fear. "Are you hurt?"
Two gurneys were wheeled into the room with medics, crowding the already small apartment.
"Kate."
She felt herself nodding as some medics surrounded her.
"Were you hit?"
She shook her head.
"Detective, I'm going to have to ask you some questions," the other person who had reached her when Castle had. She knew him. Knew his face and name. But she couldn't place the face or the name. Not now.
"Kate."
Castle said again, he tried to catch her gaze. She averted her eyes.
And then she was bombarded with questions; about what had happened, if she was alright. One after another after another. She somehow found the voice to speak again, but her own words sounded foreign. The more she spoke the tighter Castle's grip was on her—she hated it, and yet she was more thankful than she could express.
The questions were interrupted when there was movement on the other side of the room and they were forced to move. The small group that had gathered around Kate shifted to allow the gurneys and medics to pass. But it wasn't just the medics and gurneys. No longer empty, the rolling beds were filled with two bodies.
Esposito, his head wrapped and an oxygen mask secured to his face.
And Daniels, a sheet covering his motionless body.
Kate didn't know what made her do it.
She didn't know why she walked away. But she had to get out of the bedroom. The walls had been closing in, just like Castle's questions. Pressing—tighter and tighter.
She needed to breathe.
She quietly pushed open the door to Castle's office and stepped inside.
She didn't know what it was about the room that calmed her. But as time went on and Kate spent more and more of her nights and days at the Castle residence she had found personal space in the room. It was warm and inviting. Large, but not like the rest of the apartment that was simply open and continuous. You could be in the room, open the door, be cut off from everyone and still be an active participant in the rest of the goings on in the house.
The many books that lined the walls created a studious space that was quiet and peaceful. When one entered the room they couldn't help but feel at ease. On lazy Saturday afternoons, when Alexis and Martha were both out, she and Castle would spend the day in the office; he at his desk writing, while she read on the couch. And though she was loathe to admit it, her reading nook in her apartment had nothing on the space here.
Kate sighed and sat on the couch, bringing her head to her hands. She rubbed her face.
What was she doing? She didn't know. Somewhere, buried deep in her, was the rational person she was. The calm and collected Kate Beckett who took things in stride with her head held high. But for the past week she hadn't seen a trace of that person. She couldn't remember what she was like. She had been shaken, deeply, to her core.
The calm of Castle's office filled her as she breathed in. Washing away the cloudiness of her dream, of the angst and frustration she had felt.
Her line of work was about survival. Finding a killer before someone else was killed. They were trained to protect themselves, so they could go on protecting others. But staying alive was never about violence. Talking came first. Followed by a threat that wouldn't be seen through. Firing came when there was no other option. But death---You didn't shoot to kill.
But she had.
Kate had often wondered what would happen if she was ever presented with this situation. She was no stranger to opening fire on a suspect. Nor was she a stranger to hitting many---she was a good shot. And despite her hate for the people she hunted to bring to justice, she would never wish death upon them. But this. Nothing could have prepared her for the guilt that pulled at her heart. The heaviness that had set in.
The look in Daniels' eyes as he had fallen to the ground.
She had seen death before. But never before had death stared back; his accusing gaze piercing her soul.
"You're not like them, you know."
Kate's head snapped to the side and her arms dropped, resting against her knees. Castle stood in the door way, leaning slightly against the frame.
"Like who?" Kate asked, her voice croaked, and she suddenly realized that she was crying. She hated to cry.
Castle walked into the room, slowly, as if he was unsure how to approach her and Kate fully understood just how difficult she had been in the other room. How she had been all week. She hadn't wanted to deal with what had happened, she had simply wanted to forget. So she had shut herself down, focusing on nothing but doing that. Ridding her body of the emotional virus that had taken hold of it. And in the midst of doing that, she had shut down the world around her. Pushing until she was certain that there was a ten mile radius between her and the next available person.
But it was so much easier this way, wasn't it?
Castle sat, his body angled towards her. "Like the people you track down everyday. Like the person who took your mother away."
His words hit her in the gut, hard and punching. The room began to close in on her again and her breathing became erratic. She felt her fears, the ones she had tried so hard to push away and bury for the last week come rushing to the surface; haunting and taunting her.
It was this that she had been afraid of. She knew that there was no sound logic in the feeling, in the fears. But she couldn't help it. It was the first thought that had passed through her mind as Daniels had dropped, the one that surfaced when she woke from her nightmares, the last thought before she fell asleep. What she had been hiding from; afraid of.
For what made her any different from them, now? After what she had done?
She shook her head, trying to clear her mind, rid her thoughts of what she had feared. The rabbit hole was coming and she knew she was about to fall in.
Kate didn't know how Castle did it. How he knew what to say. How he knew what she was thinking—or what she tried to hide. He still knew.
"It's because I can read you like a book," Castle spoke again, a small smile tugging at the corner of his lips.
"That's creepy, you know that, right?" Kate asked, as she sniffed and wiped her nose on her sleeve. It was a childish move, but at the moment she didn't care.
Castle chuckled slightly, knowing from her tongue-in-cheek response that she wasn't going to lash at him again. He put his arm along the back of the couch, not touching her but close enough that she could feel the heat radiating from his hand.
There was a pause as she waited for him to respond. She could see him looking at her through her peripheral vision; inquisitive and waiting. Wondering.
"Creepiness, aside," he whispered. "You're not like them." Slowly, his arm shifted until it was around her shoulder and his heat seeped into her. Normally it would have calmed her; she would have welcomed the warmth. But at this moment, with the room slowly closing in on her, she felt even more closed in.
She needed to breathe.
"Why shouldn't I be?" Kate asked, her frustration returning as she pushed his arm away and stood. She walked to his desk and leaned against it, wrapping her arms around herself once more. "He had a wife---twins." Kate's voice caught as the image of the family she had split flashed before her.
"And what if you had arrested him?" Castle challenged, moving down the couch so he was right in front of her. "Their family would have been torn apart, either way."
"But--."
"No." That tone was back. Serious and demanding. He stood and placed his hands on her shoulders. She tried to move away, but now she couldn't. She had blocked herself in .Their eyes locked and Kate tried to look away, but Castle wouldn't allow her; holding her gaze steady. "Kate, he killed three people. Esposito is in the hospital. He was threatening Ryan. He was threatening you. You did what you had to do to survive, to keep him from hurting anyone else."
Kate knew that Castle's words were true. She had done what she needed to do to survive. And yet…The guilt and the fear flared in her stomach again and the room closed in even more.
She needed to move, she needed to breathe.
Castle must have seen the panic rise on her face because he slowly took his hands from her shoulders and took a step back; giving her space.
Kate dropped her head back, looking at the ceiling; blinking furiously as her eyes burned. "I'm sorry," she whispered before finally looking back at Castle. His eyes were bright and a sad smile graced his lips.
"Don't be," he replied, his words soaked with understanding.
For the first time in a week Kate felt the smallest glimmer of hope settle into the pit of her stomach.
Silence fell over them and Kate dropped her gaze again, looking to the floor. She rubbed her toes into the floor, stretching them and flexing them. She didn't respond and Castle didn't press. He simply waited, giving her the time to calm herself.
"Rick?"
"Hm?"
"I think I'd—like to talk about it," She said quietly, not trusting her own voice. Because she didn't want to. But she would if only as an attempt to try and clear her mind.
"Why don't we go for a walk tomorrow? We haven't been to Central Park in a while."
Kate nodded, bringing her gaze back to meet his. "Okay."
"Okay."
There was silence again as they stared at one another; confusion and understanding swirling through the air in a frustrating dance. Normally, she would have felt better at the prospect of talking with Rick. But she didn't. If anything, she fell slightly worse; being confronted with what she had avoided all week. But she felt—lighter. And experience had taught her that was the first step.
After a few quiet moments, Castle turned and grabbed the throw blanket that was on the back of the couch. Carefully, he opened it and loosely draped it around her shoulders.
"I'll be in bed," he said and Kate nodded, letting her head fall forward again; her eyes on the ground. Her silence was a clear answer that she would not follow. "I love you," Castle whispered into her ear, before he slowly backed away and left the room.
Kate's eyes widened as she watched him walk away, wondering if she had heard Castle correctly. But the warmth settling in the pit of her stomach told her that she hadn't. They had never spoken the words to one another and a part of her wanted to follow and tell him the same. But she couldn't move. She couldn't go back to the bedroom. Not yet.
She would tell him in the morning, in the clear light of day once the night had passed. And that was okay, because she knew that he knew the feelings were returned. He didn't need to hear her say it. Not now. And for that she loved him even more.
Grabbing the ends of the blanket on her shoulders, Kate turned and walked across the room; exiting the side door and walking out onto the small balcony. She looked across the city and the lights looked back. In the far distance she could see the apartment building that haunted her dreams.
Images flashed before her again.
Blood. Esposito. Ryan. Daniels. Death.
Kate sighed as she let the cold air engulf her; chilling her to her core. She inhaled deeply and exhaled until her lungs had no more air to give.
She could breathe.
Fin