ACT ONE
FORWARD
First things first. I love the Animorphs. I just do these stories for fun, so don't even think about spamming me! Yes, yes, I did screw around with the personalities a little- a lot- Rachel a ditz, which I know she'll never be, and Jake a bit handicapped. We get to see some of Crayak's sensitive side though. Marco is pretty gosh-darned gay. Not to mention a girl. But wait! I'm giving it all away! Ah, well, those who enjoy sick and twisted or just mildly off note comedy read on! -Ari
CLACK!
"Cut! Cut! Do it all over again."
We were gathered in the "barn," or the two-dimensional prop of fake wood with lots of hay scooped into it.
"Okay, everybody, take five and then meet me back at the barn."
Jake, his head about to be eaten by Visser Three, gave a sigh of relief and began demorphing. The other Animorphs did the same.
"Stage boy!" Cassie yelled. A pimple-faced teenager appeared instantly.
"Get me some water! Now!"
"Don't forget me," Erek said from a couple feet away.
"Oh, yeah. And some oil for Erek. Make it snappy."
Rachel ran instantly from her spot on the ground.
"Oh, my Gawd. My hair must be a total mess." She quickly plopped down in front of the mirror and began spraying hairspray."
"Rachel," Marco said. Then louder, "Rachel!"
"Yes Markie?" Rachel had trouble hearing over the hissss of the hairspray can.
"Um, not to intrude on your beauty or anything, 'cause you look good, but I think your hairspray is having some sort of chemical effect on Tobias. You know...like last time."
Tobias was flying in tight circles around a lightbulb above both their heads thought speaking in a singsong voice, So light! Light as a feather! So light!
She giggled, a tinkling sound. "Oh, Marcus, you're so silly. It's too bad you're gay, or I'd go out with you."
"I'm not gay," Marco said, surprised. "And my name is Marco."
She didn't hear him. Seconds later, Tobias dropped to the floor in a motionless heap.
In the opposite corner of the room the Visser stood, carefully waxing his hooves and tailblade to a perfect shine. Next to him Cassie and Erek were happily enjoying their beverages. Beside them Loren and Elfangor were making out big time. And beside them a Taxxon was sitting patiently in a box marked "EXTRAS: USE ONLY IF PLOT IS NOT WORKING WELL." There were also Hork-Bajir to use, and they all resided in the Hidden Valley, where they made salad dressing for a living.
"Would you two please stop doing that, it's making me lose my appetite," Cassie said, throwing a disdainful glance at the couple next to her.
"You're not eating, you're drinking" Loren pointed out pointedly before going back to playing a game of Tonsil Hockey with Elfangor. So far the score was tied.
"Okay, okay people, let's get it together!" Ari, the Director yelled.
"Crayak, come out of the bathroom, we need you for this scene."
Crayak put some giant red eyedrops in his giant red eye and walked out of the bathroom, which was a remarkable feat since he had no legs.
"Okay, good. Everyone, places."
CLACK! The slate slammed down. The performance had started.
"I have to Cassie! Don't you see, there's no other way!" Jake said this very emotionally, with lots of trembling and projection.
"No, Jake, no." Cassie said flatly, giving him a half-hearted push.
CLACK!
"Cut! Cut! No, no no! Cassie, you've got to emote! Emote! Put some energy into it!" Ari yelled.
Cassie rubbed her hands together and set her face in an emotionless mask.
Ari sighed.
"Okay, take 64! Start!"
"I have to Cassie! Don't you see! There's no other way!"
"NO, Jake, NO!" Cassie yelled enthusiastically and taking Jake by the shoulder, threw him to the ground. He landed flat on his back with a sickening crack.
"Cut! Good, excellent!" Ari looked pleased.
"I can't feel my legs!" Jake yelled, still lying on the floor.
"Oh, that's even better! That means Cassie threw you with some real force!"
"I'm paralyzed!"
"Come on Jake, get up!"
"Didn't you just hear what he said?" Marco asked.
"Marco, please try not to be bitter, just because you're gay."
"But I'm not gay! And I'm not bitter! And why would I be bitter even if I was gay?"
No one heard Marco.
"Help," Jake called weakly.
"Stage Boy!" The stage boy appeared in a blink, pimples and all. He looked at Jake, lying twitching on the floor.
"Get me a board. Four feet long. A good, sturdy 4x4." Ari held out her hand.
The Stage Boy appeared with it seconds later. He then knelt by Jake and yanked him up, causing him to scream bloody murder. He propped Jake up against it.
"Good enough," Ari said. Then, louder, "Okay Crayak, this is your big scene. Loren & Elfangor, we need you too. And Rachel..."
She looked around.
"Where did Rachel go?"
"I'm right here!" She said, unable to pry herself from the mirror.
"Okay, places. Here we go."
CLACK!
I AM CRAYAK, THE ALL POWERFUL BEING!
Pause.
"Rachel!" Cassie hissed. "Your line!"
"Huh?" Rachel looked at Cassie, blue eyes staring blankly.
"Oh, oh!" She said. "Oh no, not Crayak!" She gave a pathetic cringe before quickly reapplying her foundation in a compact mirror. She sighed at her own beauty. Her skin was perfect! Flawless!
"Rachel!" Cassie hissed. "It's still your line."
"Oh yeah. How did you come to be here you-"
There was applause as she applied her "Berry Blush" lipstick.
"Evil force."
Elfangor stepped in suddenly from the shadows.
HEY, I THOUGHT YOU WERE DEAD
"Crayak, that's not your line, you idiot! It's Rachel's!" Ax yelled from off the set.
OH. I KNEW THAT
"If you knew that then why'd you say the wrong freaking line, you retard?"
WELL, IF YOU CHANGE THE 'C' A LITTLE AND SWITCH THE 'A', RACHEL DOES LOOK A LITTLE BIT LIKE CRAYAK
"I SO don't look like you!" Rachel said indignantly from the set.
I'M SORRY, Crayak said, big red tears flowing from his big red eye. SOMETIMES I GET A LITTLE SENSITIVE ABOUT THE WAY I LOOK.
"Okay, Okay, I'm not blaming you," Ari said, blaming him. "Let's just get on with the scene. Loren? It's your cue."
"Right. 'Crayak, I haven't heard about you! The Ellimist, yes. Elfangor told me..."
She turned to Elfangor.
"Well Hell-o there."
I haven't seen you in a long time, have I Elfangor said, casually stretching out an arm.
It's been so many years since...well, I've been dead for a while
"Hey, guys, this is not in the script!" Ari yelled irritably.
"You still look as handsome as always!" Loren yelled.
You still turn me on!
They started making out again, which was a big feat too, since Andalites have no mouths. Rachel was carefully using a mascara wand on her eyelashes.
"CUT! Cut, we're doing the scene over! And Loren! Elfangor! Please! This book is a PG-13 at the most, so control yourselves."
"It isn't a book, it's a fanfic" Loren pointed out before turning her attention back to Elfangor.
"Hey, Ari, Uh- I don't think Tobias is OK!" Erek the Chee was holding the limp bird in his hands.
"Oh, crap." Ari said. "Stage boy." Magically, he was there.
"I need a little stick this time. How 'bout 4x4 inches?"
Tobias now stood alongside Jake, propped up.
"Folks, let's get back down to business, we're doing the scene over." Ari looked around wearily. "And where the hell is Crayak."
Crayak emerged proudly sporting a big blue eye.
"Crayak," Ari said, massaging her temples with her fingertips. "What do you think you are doing?"
I GOT A NEW COLORED CONTACT FROM ACUVUE. I GOT TIRED OF HAVING A RED EYE.
"Take it out, Crayak."
BUT--
"Take it out."
He took it out.
"All right, everyone." Ari clapped her hands. "We are working on the last scene here, let's make it work. We decided we need danger, romance and excitement, so everybody get a partner. Marco, I'm afraid I can't pair you with anyone because you're gay!"
"I'm not! I'm not!" He exploded. "I've got the playboys to prove it! I'll even show you them! I will!"
"That's not necessary, Marco. And I don't think it's appropriate for a schoolgirl to be reading playboys."
"What?" Marco asked. Then he looked down and saw the schoolgirl uniform he was wearing and ran screaming out of the room. The Ellimist, who until now had not made an appearance, laughed to himself.
"This is the last scene, so everyone do your best!"
CLACK
"Danger!" Ari whispered just audibly enough for the Animorphs to hear.
I'M GOING TO KILL YOU ALL Crayak yelled ominously.
Me too, I plan to kill you all too by the way said Visser Three, who was busy applying coats of "Instant Fur Shiner" onto his blue fur.
"Romance!" Ari said.
"Oh, Cassie, I'd hug you if only I wasn't paralyzed from the neck down!"
"More romance!" Ari said. "That's platonic!"
"Did you say romance?" Loren broke away long enough to echo.
"I feel romantic!"
"I do too!"
"Keep the clothes ON! On!" Ari whispered desperately.
I hope you know seeing my own brother and some human like this is going to traumatize me for the rest of my life, Ax said sullenly.
"Sucks to be you," Erek the incredibly intelligent android said.
Rachel just put on more make up. She was putting on Maybelline Super Soft Blush while absentmindedly humming, "Maybe she's born with it, Maybe it's Maybelline."
"She's definitely born with it."
"What happened to the plot?" Cassie asked, still sipping her water, which the Stage Boy kept renewing.
"The what?" Ari said.
"Time the bring out the Taxxons then, I guess."
So they quickly cut open several boxes with various names of "PLOT FILLER" and "BORED SO I WROTE IT IN" and other such sentiments. Taxxons poured out and ate everyone and...what can I say. That was the last act.
* * * * *
EPILOGUE
What the Hell was that! The Animorphs were crowded around Ari threateningly.
"Sorry guys, it was just a harmless fanfic..or…so I thought!" Ari looked nervously around at the angry faces of the crowd.
"It was all in fun and games. Funny! You know, ha ha ha."
No one laughed.
"You propped me up against a board when I was paralyzed!" Jake said, looking a wee bit irritated.
"You made me insensitive!" Cassie sobbed.
I do not even full understand what the words "freak" and "retard" mean Ax commented.
"You KILLED me with hairspray fumes!" Tobias raved.
"You made me a ditz!!" Rachel threatened.
"You made me vain! I'm evil, not vain!" Visser Three roared.
"You made me a nymphomaniac!" Loren cried.
Me too. Although I'm not sure I know that word. And I'm supposed to be dead, you know Elfangor said rather amiably.
"You made me sensitive! What will the guys say now?" Crayak moaned, rolling his giant eye.
"You made me a gay girl!" Marco complained.
No one heard him.
"Then what are you complaining about!" Ari yelled.
"I'm not complaining," Erek said, "I got some oil."
"All right, fine!" Ari said, turning to face them all. "You can all quit! But I guess you won't be getting these paychecks then, will you." She waved several oversized checks in front of her face.
Silence.
Jake got back on his board, Tobias fell to the floor dead, Loren jumped Elfangor, Rachel quickly reapplied her eyeshadow, Cassie continued sipping and Erek just stood there. Crayak looked around fiercly with his one eye and visser three carefully brushed his tail with a matching blue brush.
"That's better!" Ari said with content.
And so the day ended, until the whole thing would start over the next day all the way back at Act One.
THE END