So I know that this is not how it's going to go down, but I have to allow my muse to come out and play. It's fun to pretend lol. Hope you guys enjoy nonetheless. ;)
Written by: "Her" (a.k.a. Amanda)
Disclaimer: I do not own Bones or any of its characters. No copyright infringement intended.
She walked. And walked. She walked down the concrete stairs. She walked to her car. Usually controlled and delicate footsteps were heavy on the ground. She walked up her apartment steps and into her building. She avoided the elevator wanting to become lost in the echo of the stairwell.
She fumbled with her keys as her fingers had gone completely numb. She clumsily inserted the key into the lock, but somehow didn't have the strength to pull the door open. Yes, all she wanted to do was forget the trying day and drown her suffocating thoughts in red wine. But here she stood. Trapped in a moment; unable to move. She felt statue-like, callous and insignificant. But there it was. She wasn't that person anymore. She could feel everything, that's why this was so painful. Didn't that explain why she wanted to rip her heart out right there and bury it somewhere? To throw it someplace where it couldn't find her and torture her…Didn't she want this to stop? Yes. She wanted it all to just…stop. She brushed her bangs out of her eyes and took a shaky breath.
She had been asked to lunch by Booth. The last couple of weeks they began to rebuild a semblance of their old friendship. She had accepted his friendliness immediately. She looked forward to the playful banter that took place between them, the fun and intriguing anecdotes, the completeness she felt while in his company. Everything seemed like it was slowly settling back into what it had once been. The real Booth and Brennan had reappeared and it was as if nothing had changed. It felt as though the words: regret,hurt, betrayaland Hannah Burley had been erased from the space time continuum. But Brennan soon realized that she was being lured into feeling a false sense of security.
For when she walked into the diner to meet Booth, Hannah was glued to his side. They were engaged in what appeared to be a lively conversation. Even though Brennan had feigned friendship with this woman she was still stung by the image of her sitting so comfortably with Booth. Booth snaked his arm around her. Brennan stood still for a moment as she was thrust into the previous months. She once again felt the pang of jealousy and guilt. The months of training herself not to feel these feelings around them was tossed out the window. She hated herself for that. She would never show that side of herself to him, the desperate and broken side…never again.
So she plastered a smile on her face and joined them. The conversation felt forced and unnatural. They discussed the details of their current case, but neither Booth nor Brennan spoke freely in front of Hannah. Somehow the topic of where Booth was the other night took center stage.
"I thought you were having drinks with Temperance that night." Hannah said.
"Nah, I met up with Sweets, he was a bit... well, trashed."
"It's not like Sweets to drink copious amounts of alcohol." Brennan added.
"Well it turned out that he needed advice on a…uh, important matter."
"So it turned out to be some grown-up manly bonding time huh?" Hannah smiled.
"Well you know, it's good for him. We just had a guy conversation."
"A conversation about what?" Brennan said. Her interest was piqued. But her question caused Booth to look uncomfortable.
"Oh, it was nothing important."
"You just said it was important a minute ago Booth." She said. Hannah chimed in and caused the conversation to go in an entirely different direction.
"I'm sure it was nothing but sports right? You men and your sports." She began to go off on some tangent and soon her voice blended into the background. Brennan couldn't hear her. She was taken aback by the way Booth had dismissed her. His tone was not impolite, but something more was written in his eyes. Hannah continued to chatter about men and the stereotypes surrounding them while Booth caught Brennan staring at him. She knew him so well and the dark pools of brown continued to reflect something timid and foreign. Was it embarrassment? Brennan could detect that something was bothering him. And the way he broke their eye contact and looked down into his cup of coffee didn't help to ease her suspicions. At this point, she wasn't sure if she even wanted to find out what it was.
But she did find out. She found out a few days later. Booth had done a superb job of making it seem like nothing was wrong when she saw him. Brennan didn't pester him. She chose to remain ignorant and believe that the awkwardness of the lunch was due to the lack of interesting conversation. That was what had caused the air to turn cold around them that day.
"Bones?" Was the nervous whisper that caused her to look up from the skull she was examining with practiced hands. She had taken to identifying cases in limbo. The lab at this late hour was her favorite time to become immersed in the science of it all. There was peace for her here. It lay in the heart of the logic, it was what it was. There were no double meanings to pick out or feelings to dissect. It felt nice to break free from the thoughts that were overcoming her these days.
"Booth?" She questioned, as she put down the skull and pulled off her gloves. "What are you doing here so late?"
"I knew you'd be here. I wanted to talk to you."
"I knew something was wrong."
"Wrong? Why do you think something is wrong?" He said.
"The other day at the diner when you mentioned Sweets and the bar; something told me that something was bothering you."
"Well, I do have something I want to talk about with you. But it's not-"
"It's not something bad?"
Booth gave a little nod.
Brennan felt immediate relief course through her. She smiled at him and he tried to smile back. It looked difficult for him. But nothing was wrong right? Booth's face said otherwise.
"Let's go to my office. Are you sure you're okay?"
"Yeah I'm fine. I'm glad you're here." He said. This time the smile looked genuine. This caused Brennan to relax a little.
"Well, you always know where to find me." She said.
They walked into her office and sat down on her couch. Booth took her hand in his. Brennan was surprised by the gesture.
"Bones you know that you are…important to me, you know that right?"
"Of course I do Booth."
"And as partners…friends…we should be able to talk about anything right?" The look in his eyes was scaring her, but she tried to keep her tepid calm alive.
"Yes Booth. We should be able to tell each other anything." He seemed to loosen up a bit with her hand in his…
"I'm going to ask"-
But just then her cell phone rang. It stopped Booth in his tracks. Brennan muttered a quick apology and put it on silent. The phone lit up as the caller wasn't giving up.
"You can get it." He said.
"It can wait Booth, I'm sure it's nothing. You were saying?"
"Answer it Bones, I can wait a bit."
"Okay." She said sighing.
Brennan answered the phone and had a quick conversation with her father. He had made his way to Maui for real this time, craving warmth and sunshine. He had called to let her know that he had arrived safely. During this brief conversation Booth had gotten up from the couch and was moving towards the office door. Brennan turned off her phone.
"Booth where are you going?"
"You know what Bones? It's late. This wasn't the best idea. I can talk to you later okay?"
"Booth what's the problem?"
"I've got to go. Parker, he's at home waiting."
"Unsupervised?"
Brennan was completely bewildered. This was not like the Booth she knew. Nothing was adding up.
She moved to rush after him but something on the floor caught her eye. It was a square velvet box. She picked it up and knew immediately what it was. She grabbed her coat and purse before sprinting after him. She clenched the box with all her might.
"You're asking Hannah to marry you?" She called after him. He turned around and saw that she was holding his engagement ring.
"Uh yes, I, Bones, listen to me"-
Everything Brennan had been trying to suppress must have rushed to the heart of her eyes because Booth looked startled by her face.
"Bones, I think it's the next step. Logically."
"Since when have you been a supporter of taking the most logical route?"
"Bones"-
"Booth, you've only known Hannah for a few months."
"But I know what I want."
"You do? How do you know?"
"I just…I know. And you're the first person I told."
"But that's just it Booth! You didn't have the decency to tell me face to face. You didn't go through with it You were acting cowardly!"
"I was going too! I just needed more time to figure out how I was going to, to say it. Bones, you are important to me. It would mean the world if you"-
"You came here for my blessing?"
"I-" Brennan's eyes were flooding with tears, she worried that if she blinked for a second they would fall. She didn't want to give him the power to make her cry. She had shed too many tears over him. And suddenly in the air, stale as it was, was a lingering acceptance that swirled around Brennan. She made a conscious decision right then and there.
"You are in charge of your own future Booth. You are not obligated to share nor have any of your decisions approved by me. H-Hannah and I are friends. I'm happy for you both. I wish you both a long and happy life together." She walked up to him and dropped the box in his hands.
"I"- He was speechless.
"I'm glad. It's just…meant to be right? Can't fight fate." She said. Booth stood there looking at her, slack jawed, so surprised by everything she had said to him. "I don't believe in fate," seemed to echo through the years.
"I-I have to get home now." She said, hoping that once she got there she could fall into a dreamless sleep.
That had been three days ago. She hadn't spoken to or seen Booth since then. She had kept her communication with everyone else minimal. She took off and took to working on chapters for her new book. Everyone accepted this. After such an explanation no one bothered her. They believed she spent too much time in the lab, 'this would be good for her,' they thought.
Instead of working at home she had taken to wandering around town, careful to steer clear of any familiar spots. She walked around in the brisk February air and took to writing in an unfamiliar café. She wrote all day. It wasn't until the tiny café was preparing to close did she even realize it was dark outside. She reluctantly made her way back to her apartment. And that's when the inescapable truth struck her, like a brick over the head. She couldn't be Booth's partner anymore.
Her fear of their partnership dying like the embers of a fire ate away at her. This was the thing she had always feared most of all. Now it was going to become a reality. She kicked herself for not taking a chance with him. Either way she had nothing to show for anything. There was nothing left but soon to be discarded memories.
Such memories were ones she once treasured. Now they would only cause pain. She couldn't take it anymore. She didn't want to. Why should she have to? In the morning she would make a few calls. She would begin searching for new apartments. She would forget all of this here. She would allow herself to remember the things that Booth had taught her, but she would forget that he was the one who taught her them. Surly other labs around the country or out of the country would be grateful to make way for her expertise?
What she had said to Booth had been a lie. "I wish you both a long and happy life together." But she wanted him to be happy, didn't she? If this was going to make him happy…so be it. But she would not stand by and watch Booth's life tumble into fairytale forgetfulness. She wouldn't stand idly by wishing and hoping. She would not be the second choice or the temptation. She would finally move on and put this issue to rest.
Finally snapping back to the present moment, she attempted to once again turn the handle of her apartment door. She felt the weight of a hand on her shoulder…
It caused her to jump and turn around with such force that she dropped her bag.
"I'm sorry Bones! I didn't mean to startle you."
"Booth!" She put a hand to her heart and bent down to pick up her purse, but he was faster and handed it to her. "Thanks…"
He really was the last person she wanted to see right now.
"Uh, I'm really tired so-"
"I'm sorry Bones."
"You're apologizing?"
"I didn't mean to corner you in the lab like that. You're the person I go to in these kinds of situations, you've always been there and you deserved to hear it from me directly, at a decent hour-"
"Right. Well I'll talk to you later Booth, I have an early day tomorrow, so"- She went to open her door, but he stopped her by putting his hand on the door.
"Why are you doing this? Why can't you just leave me alone?" He looked sad at her words.
"I've given you my blessing Booth. You've gotten everything you've wanted from me. And now you're getting everything you ever wanted. So please just let me go about my life. You just can't have a relationship with Hannah while having a friendship with me"-
"Please look at me." Brennan was deliberately not meeting his gaze. She didn't want to look into his eyes and see tenderness there. She didn't want to be tricked. She didn't want to feel safe and protected and loved, because she knew it wouldn't last. She knew his love wasn't hers to take. She didn't want to be part of dream world then be ripped from it.
"I couldn't do it." He said.
"What?"
"I didn't ask her to marry me. Hell, I don't know what I was thinking."
Brennan felt elated. But what did that mean? She felt so defeated because Booth had been earning back some of her trust a few days ago. But now she didn't know what he was saying or what he wanted from her. So she said the first thing that popped into her head.
"You know my feelings on marriage. I'm glad you're not falling victim to it." Her words were cool and calculating and as they left her lips. She knew that there was no truth in them.
Booth said nothing, but just looked into her eyes. It was a look that made her blush.
"I'm sure you and Hannah are better suited to indulging in a long term relationship without a marriage license."
"Bones," His tone was soft and gentle, his eyes pleading. "I couldn't do it, because I don't love her."
"You don't?"
"No."
"That's not what you told me…"
I love her, he had said. He had said it right to her very face when she had been sobbing and feeling helpless. He had thrown the truth at her and asked her to accept it. And now he was saying it was all a lie. What was she to believe?
"So you've been lying to Hannah all this time?"
"No Bones…it's not like that."
"Then what the hell is it like Booth?"
"I did love her…but it's not the same."
"The same as what?"
"It's not how I love you."
You can love a lot of people in this world, but there's only one person that you love the most.
"You never told me you loved me." She whispered.
"I do. I love you Bones. The most." His eyes were actually glassy with tears. He could see the conflict raging within her.
"But, you made it clear to me that she wasn't a consolation prize; that your choice was final. How can all that change in a few months Booth, how? And you're here asking me to take your word for it? If you told Hannah you would love her forever then you lied. How do you expect me to trust you? I just don't"-
"I never told Hannah that. Listen to me Bones, you go through a relationship; you learn things about the person you're with. Their nature, what they feel, what they are, what's in their heart. The way you see the person, it changes. Hannah and I didn't like what we saw in each other anymore. But I have known you for years Bones. And every day, the more I learn about you, how generous, brilliant and beautiful you are. Every day, the woman that I see…I fall more and more in love with her."
This time Brennan let the tears fall. She put her hands over her eyes and felt like sinking to the ground in the hallway. He held her steady.
"Hannah and I weren't meant to be Bones. And when I came back from Afghanistan, I tried to run from you because it still hurt."
"I didn't want to hurt you." She said wiping a tear away.
"I didn't want to hurt you either." He went on.
"That day, when you told me that you have feelings for me, I couldn't do anything but curse our timing and swallow my own pathetic excuse for not leaving Hannah to be with you. Things were bad between us, but then they started to feel like they used too and I was afraid. I was afraid to go back to that place because I didn't want to feel that way again. It was selfish, but I thought the easy way would be to settle for Hannah. Once and for all. But I couldn't. I broke up with Hannah. I'm sorry Bones."
"I-I"-
"I know that I've betrayed your trust more times than we can count this year, but please…let me show you how sorry I am. Please let me show you that I'm worth the chance. If you'll have me-"
Brennan knew that the feelings she had been feeling were nothing in comparison to what she could feel if Booth was completely erased from her life. She would be a shell of the woman. She had been kidding herself thinking she could forget.
"Do you feel the same Bones?"
"Yes." She managed.
Facing him she did not break their gaze. He reached up and traced her face. He gently passed his thumb down the line of her jaw. The place where he touched her burned.
He slowly leaned in and gently pressed a kiss to her cheek. She closed her eyes to his touch…the leftover tears dripped down her cheekbones. He then traveled a little lower and brushed his lips over the side of her neck, only for second. Brennan kept her eyes closed.
"I'm not going anywhere." He whispered.
Review? I would love to hear your thoughts on this…=)