Shepard arrived at the Citadel a full thirty minutes before the letter said to be there. She was hoping to have some time alone to think before Kaidan showed up. She'd gotten his letter a week and a half after their ill fated reunion on Horizon. It was short and vague, simply asking her to meet him by one of the lesser known and smaller lakes so they could talk. At first, she had no intention on going. He'd hurt her, badly and she wasn't interested in anything he had to say. The more she thought about it though, the more she needed to talk to him. She needed the closure that came from a real talk about their relationship status and not the anger and hurt that had been their shouting match on Horizon. When the appointed date rolled around, she decided to arrive a bit early in the hope that she could think of something to say to him.
She was surprised to see Kaidan already sitting at the bench. He was dressed in civilian clothes rather than the fatigues she was so used to seeing him in. He wore simple dark blue jeans, a gray Alliance t-shirt, and a black leather jacket. Seeing him sitting there reminded her of the last time they were here and the promise he made to take her to Vancouver for some much needed shore leave. For a brief second, everything felt normal again.
"Shepard." Kaidan said, bringing her out of her reverie.
"Kaidan, am I late?" Shepard sat down on the other side of the bench and looked out across the small lake.
"No, not at all. I just came early to get a little peace and quiet." Kaidan leaned forward, his elbows on his knees, took a deep breath and began to speak. "Shepard, I'm sorry for what I said back on Horizon. I mean, I spent two years pulling myself back together after you went down with the Normandy. It took me a long time to get over my guilt for surviving and to move on. I mean, I'd finally let my friends talk me into going out for drinks with a doctor on the Citadel. Nothing serious, but trying to let myself have a life again, you know?"
"And then… I saw you." He paused and glanced at Shepard, pain and sadness clearly reflected in his eyes. When he spoke again, his voice cracked and he closed his eyes to prevent the tears from falling. "And, everything just pulled hard to port. I mean, you were standing in front of me, but, you were with Cerberus."
"Kaidan," Shepard quietly interrupted him. "I'm so sorry. For you it's been two years but for me it still feels like the Normandy went down a few weeks ago. It can't be easy to see your formerly dead girlfriend alive and well again but you have to know it isn't easy to wake up after being spaced either."
"I know. I mean, I- I guess what I'm trying to say is I really don't know who either of us is anymore." He paused, sat back on the bench, and made eye contact with Shepard. "I mean, d-do you even remember that night before Ilos? That night meant everything to me. Maybe it meant as much to you."
"It did." It was Shepard's turn to get choked up, a stray tear falling from her eye. "It really did. You will never know how much that night, how much you mean to me. I love you Kaidan."
"God, I love you too Shepard and I'm so damn sorry for how I acted." Kaidan said, reaching up to brush away her tears. "A lot has changed in the past two years though and I can't just put that aside. Please… just… be careful. I mean, I've watched too many people close to me die, on Eden Prime, on Virmire, on Horizon… on the Normandy."
Kaidan's hand drifted down and he tightly grasped her hand. "I just couldn't bear it if I had to lose you again. I mean, if you- if you're still the woman I remember, I know that you're gonna find a way to stop these Collector attacks. But Cerberus is… Cerberus is too dangerous to be trusted."
"I know they are Kaidan." Shepard tilted up his chin, forcing him to look her in the eye. "I don't trust Cerberus or The Illusive Man for shit. All the info I find on them on the missions they have me do gets forwarded straight to Hackett and Anderson. I have Garrus with me, we're going to get Tali, I'm in regular contact with Liara, and the other ground crew members I have don't trust Cerberus either. I'm only using their resources to stop the Collectors as quickly as I can. As soon as this is over, I'm going straight back to the Alliance. Don't worry about me."
"I always worry about you and you know that," said Kaidan with a small, sad smile. "Just, watch yourself out there. Look, when things settle down a little... maybe, uh... I don't know."
"Kaidan, if you're willing to try, to see if we can work through this... I'm willing to try too. I don't want to lose you."
"I don't wanna lose you either." Kaidan stood, never letting go of her hand, and pulled her up into a bone crushing hug. "I can't go with you, no matter how bad I want to."
"I know."
"But if you need me, you know how to contact me. I'll always be here for you Shepard."
"Thank you," said Shepard, crying silently into his shoulder. Kaidan pulled back to wipe the tears from her eyes and then gave her a soft kiss.
"I'm the one who should be thanking you." They were interrupted by a ping on Kaidan's omnitool. He read the message, frowning slightly then turned back to Shepard. "I have to go."
"Duty calls. It's ok, I should be getting back too. I have a lot of work to do before I go for the Collectors." Kaidan pulled her back in for another hug and a kiss before pulling away for the last time.
"Shepard, I'm serious about you contacting me. I wanna hear from you."
"I know, and I will. I love you."
"I love you too. Take care."