SOOBERNATRAL: SUPERNATURAL ABRIDGED
"TROLL FLICK"
Hi ya! Before I get into the "Secret War" which is already becoming heavier than I previously imagined, which is saying something for the "point and laff gag" stuff I'm used to, I thought I'd write a brief, possibly non-canon story.
It's a breather story for me cause "all work and no play makes Jack a dull boy."
And the WIFE is like "Get off that type writer and take out the f**king garbage!"
And Jack is all "Yes, honey."
Anyway, Sam, and Dean go to a movie, but it's everything less than what they expected. They run into Crowley and Castiel at the theater. Mystery Science Theater 3000 riffing ensues. Enjoy!
Here's a quick synopsis of Troll Flick. Pray it never becomes a real thing.
Synopsis-In orderr to becmeme the new kig, a squir mus defeet a monsrous dragn and rescue a priness but a hungry gln grizzly bear workingfor his uncle wizard stand in hes way and wans to desroy the kindom to rule it. Ad the mole peepl figt the squirs dog cause they hate dogs but not rats they eat can jetfeul save da plaanet?
EXT. CINEPLEX - NIGHT
The IMPALA pulls into the parking lot.
Aerosmith's Walk This Way plays. Dean kills the engine and the music dies before anyone can be sued. He and SAM step out.
SAM
I'm telling you, Dean, everyone's talking about this movie. This is gonna be great.
DEAN
A movie night with my brother. Awesome.
SAM
Shut up.
DEAN
You got the tickets?
SAM
Yeah. Right he-yah!
SAM flashes two tickets.
DEAN
Good, cause that guy guarding the exit door looks pissed.
GUARD paces back and forth with an assault rifle.
GUARD
This is my rifle! There are many like it, but this one is mine!
SAM
Let's go.
DEAN
Wait. Should I be wearing Dad's jacket or something post season five?
SAM
You're worried about continuity?
DEAN
What?
SAM
Canon.
DEAN
Like on a pirate ship?
SAM
Just forget it.
Sam and Dean hold hands and skip up to the booth. Safety first.
SAM
There you go, my good man. Two tickets to Troll Flick.
TICKET TAKER
Go f**k yourselves. I mean, go right in, then go f **k yourselves.
DEAN
That's more like it.
INT. CINEPLEX - NIGHT
SERVER
Can I help you?
DEAN
Depends on how big your goobers are.
Dean smiles.
SERVER
Uh, I'm gonna have to get my manager.
DEAN
Why does everyone always say that?
SAM laughs.
DEAN
What?
Sam whispers to him.
DEAN
What?! Why can't anything mean what it used to mean?
SAM
Dude, if y want to waste your money, that's fine. But I have a cheaper method.
Sam unzips his coat. He reveals a large soda and several snacks. He winks, then zips the coat back up.
SAM
I'll be watching the really loud previews.
Sam exits.
COKE DEALER
Free large coke, sir?
DEAN
What? I can't snort this shit!
MANAGER
Excuse me, sir? Is there a problem?
DEAN
No. No problem. I just want to buy some goobers. For eating. With my mouth. Oh boy, I'm hearing it now.
MANAGER
Despite what you may have read in a bathroom stall, this is not that kind of place, sir. You may want to check the Denny's just down the street. Now be gone.
DEAN
I was just -
MANAGER
Be gone!
Dean heads for the movie.
INT. THEATER – LATER
SAM sits in an empty theater sipping a large soda and eating some popcorn.
Dancing movies snacks sing onscreen.
MOVIE SNACKS
Let's all go to the movies! Let's all go to the movies! Let all go to the movies and riff on its shitty soundtrack!
Dean sits one seat away from Sam.
DEAN
Dude, give me some popcorn.
SAM
No.
DEAN
What do ya mean, "no"?
SAM
I have rules, Dean. We're living in a fucking society, man.
DEAN
B word.
SAM
J word.
CROWLEY
(appearing in-between them)
Hello, boys.
DEAN
Oh s**t.
SAM
F**k you want, Crowley?
CROWLEY
Do you kiss your mommy with that mouth?
DEAN
No. Not anymore.
Dean cries and hugs a teddy bear.
TEDDY BEAR
I shouldn't be alive.
DEAN
Ahhhhhhhhhhh!
CROWLEY
Just out for an evening at the theatre. Can't we all just get along?
SAM
No.
CASTIEL
(sitting next to Dean)
Hello, Dean. Hi, Sam.
CROWLEY
I'm here too.
SAM
No one cares.
DEAN
Cas?
CASTIEL
It's important that we spend some quality time together.
CASTIEL and DEAN look at each other. Can you feel the love tonight?
SAM
(under his breath)
Destiel.
DEAN
What?
SAM
What?
DEAN
Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahn?
CROWLEY
Quiet, you miscreants! The show's about to start.
SAM
Who wants bacon?
CASTIEL
Not a pig named Wilbur.
DEAN
Seriously, Sam?
CROWLEY
Shush!
The lights dim. Four silhouettes appear just like Mystery Science Theater 3000.
A roaring LION logo plays.
SAM
Oh s**t. That roaring lion logo gets me every time.
The movie begins.
Annoying music plays
CROWLEY
Where was this shot? In a meth lab in Tuscany?
Words appear on the screen
De fawlin felm iz rotted PG.
NILBOG CINEMA PRESENTS
"troLl FLiCk"
People in poorly made troll costumes dance around a tree for some reason.
CROWLEY
Bloody hell. Did someone's slow kid make the costumes out of construction paper?
CASTIEL
This seems very inaccurate.
DEAN
You think?
CASTIEL
Yes. Very much so.
Words come up, Star Wars style.
woonce apon a tim dere waz trolz. ddey waz bed andevil. and kang was lik "you stp be bad *6^51? trolz! but trols wes not liken him.
SAM
It looks like someone had a seizure on twitter.
The words continue.
? den the mutant notzees fight rabots to de def cause kno one that sleep well coudld.
DEAN
Go home, baby. You're drunk.
Now all them went do mIsa to capcher dragons. but Liesza cut the rop end they die. the vilalge canot cartos blep you are? aBbey fight! You "said Glengan; he squiret fird 9 of total arm bings to he hed of volmort. he ded bu no dye. Xox 7 –huh? then harrys potter toks his wnad out and touck ron and hermonini too death wit eet.
SAM
The fuck is happening?
Two ghost samurai fight with crudely made lightsabers.
GHOST SAMURAI 1
I veel destroy you, herr tratirot!
DEAN
Dude, where the hell are you supposed to be from?
GHOST SAMURAI 2
(subtitled in French, Japanese, German and oh, fuck, I give up)
Den yOuR oUt OF LuCk, TamASo! pREPare tO DiE!
CROWLEY
Kill me now.
Then two robots come out of nowhere and we leave the two samurais and follow them.
ROBOT 1
Yee haw!
SAM
Fuck this. Dean, let's go. Dean?
Dean sleeps. He rests his head on Cas' shoulder.
CASTIEL
Twinkle, twinkle, little Dean
Let me keep away the dream fiends
SAM
Really?
CASTIEL
Driving your black muscle car
While I watch over you from afar
SAM
Get a room.
CASTIEL
Twinkle, twinkle, little Dean
Let me keep away the dream fiends.
Good-night.
Cas kisses Dean on the head.
CROWLEY
Don't be jealous, Moose. You still have me.
Crowley sticks a straw in Sam's cup and sips.
SAM
Damn it, Crowley!
CROWLEY
Let me know when you finish the popcorn.
SAM
Why?
CROWLEY
I collect the boxes.
(under his breathe)
And cut holes in the bottom of them.
CASTIEL
Long intro for a movie.
CROWLEY
Star Wars did it better.
Now there is a badly painted VAMPIRE on the screen.
SAM
Is this even the same movie? It's like Monster A-Go Go, but somehow worse.
VAMPIRE
Gude evening.
CASTIEL
Must be a different one.
Sam snickers.
VAMPIRE
Welcome to an intriguing night of thrilling delight.
SAM
I'm gonna have to stop you right there.
VAMPIRE
On this incredible journey you will see many things that can not be UN-seen!
CROWLEY
I can name at least one of them now.
VAMPIRE
After hearing this tale, you will question your reality.
SAM
If you don't blow your brains out first.
Crowley high-fives Sam. Sam wipes his hand on Dean's shoulder.
DEAN
(in his sleep)
Kill Bill? Uma, baby, I'll gank any f**king body you want me to with a smile like that.
Obviously fake spiders invade an obviously fake town.
SHERIFF
Run for your life!
CROWLEY
Truer words were never spoken.
The sheriff fires at the fake spiders that don't even move.
SAM
Oh no, out of bullets! Throw the gun! That'll teach 'em to be arachnids and not insects.
SCIENTIST
Sheriff, we may have found a way. A way to stop them. To stop the spiders. The spiders that have invaded. Invaded this town.
CASTIEL
Did someone write his lines on the fly?
The sheriff, now black, holds the corpse of a toy spider.
SHERIFF
How?
SAM
Wasn't the sheriff white a minute again?
CROWLEY
At least he's still the same gend - And there it is.
FEMALE SHERIFF
(Minnesota accent)
Oh doir. I haft run out of bowlets.
CROWLEY
You could always throw yourselves off an overpass.
DEAN
(waking up)
How long was I asleep? And where's the dragon they showed in the trailer?
SCIENTIST
Bwahah ha ha. Ha ha. Ha ha ha! It was all a trick. All of it. A trick.
SAM
Are you sure? Cause no one seems to know what the hell is going on from one minute to the next.
SHERIFF
(now a white male again, but a different one than the first)
You will be stopped by me.
CASTIEL
So the sheriff is a shapeshifter?
CROWELY
That seems to be the most consistent thing, yes.
SCIENTIST
No. You will die. Now. Now you will die. Ha haha! Eat him my pets! Eat the one I command you to eat!
DEAN
What is this? Plan 9 from the Crack Shack?
The Sheriff wrestles a giant spider.
SAM
Lift with your legs, Sheriff!
DEAN
Come on, Sheriff! Hogan slammed Andre!
The film cuts to a village.
CROWLEY
Just how pirated is this film?
CASTIEL
It appears the filmmaker has a severe case of ADD.
Dean laughs.
SAM
Where the f**k would you find this in the movie categories?
DEAN
At the very bottom of a five dollar DVD bin.
Sam grins. He throws popcorn in the air and catches it in his mouth.
A messenger rides up to a cardboard castle on a donkey. The KING, literally dressed in spray painted cardboard armor, walks out.
CROWLEY
Shrek 6: Fuck It.
MESSENGER
Mi larwd, thve illagers havft rebel!
SAM
Okay, see there are accents and there are speech impediments. Pick one.
DEAN
Good one, Sammy.
SAM
Thanks, Dean.
KING
WE HAVE TO STOP THEM BUT HOW?!
CASTIEL
By making them all deaf?
CROWLEY
Who runs the finances? That's the poorest kingdom I've ever seen.
DEAN
I heard all the interior shots were filmed in an abandoned warehouse.
SQUIRE
I well proob I em the righfell king!
SAM
Doubt it. When are we getting back to those ghost samurai? Oh, that's right, never.
MAID
Halp! Halp!
CROWLEY
Are angry villagers who saw an early screening after you?
KING
WHAT IS IT?!
CASTIEL
What? Could you speak up?
KING
WHAT HAS HAPPENED?!
CROWLEY
Brian Blessed? Is that you?
MAID
The queen es ben kinapt.
SAM
I hope by someone who can form coherent sentences.
KING
WHAT TO DO?!
DEAN
Finally have the surgery?
I shit you NOT. The NEXT FRAME is a ten minute extreme close-up of a bowl of Fruit Loops.
SAM
Does that count as a Chekhov's Gun or no?
DEAN
I think it's a MacGuffin.
CASTIEL
Looks like cereal to me.
CROWLEY
Careful, boys. I heard whoever watches this film goes berserk.
DEAN
They kill themselves?
CROWLEY
No, they kill whoever was willingly involved with this drivel.
SAM
As for their careers, that little problem took care of itself.
THE CAST OF REGULAR SHOW
Whoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooaaa!
SQUIRE
I weel recoo her, fahder. Oh let me. I will proob myselve.
DEAN
Rescue a princess? Kid can't even read.
KING
YOU MUST PROVE YOURSELF BEFORE YOU CAN GO OUT AND PROVE YOURSELF!
DEAN
Imagine the soundtrack to this. Oh my frickin' ears!
The Squire wrestles a bear, which is a dude in a poorly made costume.
SAM
I got five Gs on Mowgli.
DEAN
Get him, Baloo! Show him the bare necessities!
CROWLEY
I think I see a watch. Odd. Now why would a bear need a watch?
CASTIEL
You may be on to something.
The Squire has the bear in a headlock. You can see one of the bear's gloves come off, exposing a human hand.
CROWLEY
Wardrobe malfunction!
SAM
Blimey! Tis jus a man in a rubber suit!
The Squire holds a large box painted to look like a stone.
DEAN
Hercules! Hercules!
SAM
Man, that box looks heavy.
CASTIEL
It must be full of rocks.
SQUIRE
Do nert make me do this thing to kill.
BEAR
Roar.
CROWLEY
And the Academy Award doesn't go to...
BEAR
Roar. You cain't stob me. I am a bear. You are man. Roar. I will eat you up now. Roar. Growl. Roar.
SAM
I think he's gonna need a megazord for this!
Squire crushes the bear by dropping the box on his chest. The box is crushed.
DEAN
That is the squarest damn stone I've ever seen.
KING
NOW YOU ARE READY! GO, MY SON! AND AVENGE ME!
The King dies from his wounds.
SAM
When did he get hit?
CASTIEL
Why is a vampire telling this story? Shouldn't it be scary?
CROWLEY
When will this movie be over?
The Squire makes long, overly dramatic leaps. Oh yeah, he's on the MOON now for some reason...
CROWLEY
This must be the sequel.
SAM
Horrible Movie 2: IN SPAAAAAACE!
A van with a papier-mâché snake head painted the same color of the moon chases him.
SQUIRE
Oh noaw! A sand snake!
CASTIEL
Presumably driven by sand people.
SAND SNAKE
Hisss! SSSquire!
DEAN
It talks? F**king thing talks? Face meet palm. Palm face.
SQUIRE
What es it that you want?
SAND SNAKE
Hiss!
CROWLEY
At least it knows its pronouns.
SAND SNAKE
Hiss! Your uncle wizard sssent me to sssstop you!
DEAN
Wouldn't it have been easier to just hop in a van and run the guy down or use those wizard powers?
SQUIRE
Your well not defeet mey!
SAM
Prepare to die, Grammar Man!
The Squire jumps on top of the Sand Snake and chokes the papier-mâché head.
CROWLEY
That's one ugly-ass float. No wonder it didn't win.
DEAN
I can see the guy driving the van!
The Squire stabs the snake head even though he didn't have a sword before.
CROWLEY
Where was he hiding that?
CASTIEL
Back of a van.
They all laugh.
The van shuts off.
SAM
Those fuel line ruptures are killers, man.
The Squire walks away. The suddenly stops.
SQUIRE
Oh new! Quickes san!
He sinks to his knees.
DEAN
I have a GED, dude, and I'm a hundred percent sure that's not how quick sand works.
The screen fades to black and words appear.
SAM
Oh no, reading! A fate worst than death!
the de squire flet his ankells byut dtyhe quicks san tokked him under. Qhwach back! "said" the squir. I haf nt the tym to will out.
CASTIEL
Hooked on Phonics. I heavily suggest you look into it.
Nwat lyk this! "?he shotted!
CROWLEY
Yep. He shotted all over himself.
Arghgan i em tour dragun. Oh shet siad the sqwer nobaa lok likme the is guny be dey.
SAM
This is the hardest Wheel of Fortune puzzle to solve ever.
noffin wery replieyed sa dragoon grap my tael of you lift you out.
DEAN
Shit. I think I'd rather just die in the quick sand.
Yed be edoin this fer me sayed the squer?
CROWLEY
Chat Roulette the Movie: Are You a Cop?
Ads eb princess wizrdd baetel!
SAM
And Ash defeated Princess Wizrdd, but, alas, no Pikachu in sight.
Lem e you hes gotwt heart. And the sqwuire n the prness leafed hply eve43r after. Now drgon freend bu he stel tect hem wen n eed to. thes esy the how it ended.
CROWLEY
Is that it? Can I leave? I don't know how many brain cells I have left.
The credits roll. It's as bad as the film. Full of names like Ruuger Slostanetneisteinner and the like.
SAM
I feel like someone should have apologized to us before and after we watched that.
DEAN
It should come with a big warning labeled "Caution! Minutes wasted watching this can not be recovered!"
A horrible song plays.
CROWLEY
Hello, newly discovered torture.
SINGER
Oyn fero dragin warrior!
Lobos gor yur szein!
SAM
Come on, everybody!
SINGER
Ceven nvel, minas!
Lelio bske tnbf!
CASTIEL
They're playing our song.
DEAN
New drinking game. Take a drink every time you recognize any f**king word they say.
CROWLEY
Yes, because I like sobriety.
They get up and head for the exit.
DEAN
Let's hit a bar. Who's with me?
Everyone agrees and they exit.
EXT. CINEPLEX - LATE NIGHT
Dean reaches into his jeans for his keys.
SAM
Hurry, Dean. This place gets weirder and weirder by the night.
CLOWN
(high pitched voice)
I'm a clown!
(deep voice)
Touch my ass.
CASTIEL
Is there some prize involved?
DEAN
Cas!
CASTIEL
Coming.
All four pile into the car.
INT. IMPALA - LATE NIGHT
Sam tweets.
DEAN
Whatcha doin'?
SAM
Giving this film a scathing review.
DEAN
So a basic one?
SAM
Seriously, we should find all surviving copies of the film and salt and burn them. Send them back to Hell. Much offense, Crowley.
CROWLEY
None taken. So, does everyone have a karaoke song picked out?
Sam, Dean, and Cas look at each other.
The Impala drives away. Crowley is left behind.
CROWLEY
I'm defriending you all!
Sodjer kln flept kaks. (-_-)
The End?