CATEGORY: H/C, Angst, Drama, Epilogue
SEASON: One - immediately following Hathor
SPOILERS: Hathor - obviously
RATING:R

WARNINGS: dark themes, language, violence, torture, attempted suicide, attempted rape. Canon mind control, canon drugging, canon rape. We all know what happened to Daniel during "Hathor" – this story will deal with some incredibly sensitive and potentially triggering issues, including discussion of PTSD triggers themselves and some statements that could be construed as victim blaming. Please tread carefully if you might be adversely affected by these subjects. If you would like more details before you read, please don't hesitate to contact me.

DISCLAIMER: Stargate SG-1, its characters and situations, are copyright MGM, Greenburg/Anderson, Gekko, Top Secret, and Kawoosh! No infringement on, or challenge to, their status is intended. This piece of fiction was written strictly for the entertainment of other fans, and I am gaining no form of compensation for it.
MORE DISCLAIMERS: This is a work of fiction. Any resemblance to actual people, living or dead, or actual places and locations, is purely coincidental.
EVEN MORE DISCLAIMERS:The MPAA had jack-shit to do with the rating on this story, and if you think they did then you're as stupid as they are.

Criticism and feedback of all kinds is welcome, but constructive criticism and common courtesy will get you farther than flames will.

FULL SUMMARY: Hathor is gone. The Earth is safe. But the victory has come with a painful price for the men of the SGC. Though Hathor no longer controls their minds, her drugs aren't letting them go without a fight. As if the physical damage she did wasn't enough, withdrawal manipulates their emotions, amplifying the most extreme. Jack and Daniel fight to to deal with their experiences at Hathor's hands, while one of them turns on the one he's sworn to protect, and the other turns on himself. But Hathor didn't leave empty-handed, and she'll stop at nothing to regain control of what she left behind.

Chapter One

The mood in the locker room was much lighter than it had been minutes before. Sam and Janet had escaped what they'd apparently thought would be serious consequences for going to any lengths necessary to stop Hathor. Hammond had said he was putting them up for commendation medals, and Jack didn't disagree.

They'd stopped Hathor. Unlike some people who hadn't even tried.

Janet and Sam exchanged a look of pleasant surprise, followed by an almost conspiratorial giggle. "Oh my," Sam said with a smile. "Feel like a woman, Doc?"

"Oh yeah," Janet returned lightly. Her own smile still shining, Janet gathered up her specimen containers and stood. "I'll just get these down to the lab, and hope that we'll get something useful from them." She walked toward the door, nodding at Jack and Teal'c before turning her full attention to Daniel. "Dr. Jackson, I do expect to see you in the infirmary before you leave the base for the night. You've still not reported for that physical I ordered."

Daniel nodded wordlessly and without looking up; he seemed intent on studying his own feet.

Janet returned the nod with a small smile and left the locker room.

Sam walked over to her teammates, pulling off the gloves she'd been wearing while helping Janet with the specimen collection. Jack took a step toward her. "Great job, Carter."

"Thank you, sir," Sam replied, her voice filled with relief.

"Indeed, Captain Carter, you performed most admirably at a time of great confusion and peril."

"Thanks, Teal'c."

They all waited for Daniel to echo the sentiment. When no congratulations were forthcoming, three pair of eyes turned toward where he had been standing only to find he was no longer there. The three of them had moved closer together, forming a tight circle, but Daniel had moved away from them. He stood with his arms wrapped around himself, staring at the remains of the Goa'uld larva that had filled the Jacuzzi only hours before.

"Daniel? You okay?"

Daniel closed his eyes, and seemed to be concentrating. He shook his head and said, "Hm? Oh yeah ... yeah, I'm fine." He opened his eyes and glanced at Sam. "Just thinking."

"Thinking 'bout what?" Jack asked, stepping forward. Daniel turned away, but not fast enough that Jack didn't see the shamed flush that had risen to his cheeks.

"Nothing."

"Come on ... if you're thinking, you have to be thinking about something, right? So what is it?"

He didn't know what he wanted Daniel to say in response to that, didn't know if anything he said would or even could start to make up for what he'd done.

Daniel shook his head, never taking his eyes from the blackened mess on the side of the metal tub.

"Come on, Daniel, give. Are you missing your girlfriend or mourning your children?"

The anger had been there all along, simmering just beneath the surface, but it chose that time to explode in full force. He could feel his face reddening at an alarming pace, forming itself into a mask of pure rage. He took a few deliberate steps in Daniel's direction, and Daniel shrank back instinctively.

"Colonel, I think that maybe we should ..."

"Tell me, Daniel, was she worth it? I mean, with everything it almost cost us, was she at least good in bed?"

Jack watched the color drain from Daniel's face, leaving him ashen and visibly shaken, but for the first time in recent memory, he didn't care.

"Colonel, I really don't think this is a good ..."

"Was it good for you, Daniel?" Jack's voice was biting now. He wanted to sting Daniel to the very core, wanted to hurt him the way he'd been hurt, and he didn't care how he did it.

Daniel retreated from Jack's advancing anger one step at a time. His eyes darted around frantically as he searched for an escape that he knew did not exist, and Jack's measured steps continued to narrow the gap between them.

"Colonel, please ..."

"No," Daniel whispered, his response almost inaudible. With an obvious effort, he cleared his throat and raised his head, stepping back again. "No, it wasn't."

"You mean you risked the lives of everyone on this base, everyone on this planet, and you didn't even enjoy it?" Jack took another angry step forward.

"Colonel! There's something you need to know ..."

"Nothing to enjoy," Daniel answered evenly.

"Oh, come on, Daniel!" Jack continued, stepping forward once more, ignoring Carter's increasingly frantic attempts to divert his attention and gesturing angrily at the Jacuzzi. "A lot of that will probably be yours. That's what you said. What the hell else could that possibly mean?"

Daniel's retreat was suddenly halted by the wall at his back. "You don't understand." His voice was emotionless, his words as dull as his eyes were becoming.

"Understand what, Daniel? I think I understand just fine. I took Sex Ed a long time ago, kiddo."

"Colonel!" Sam reached out, grabbed Jack's arm, and tried to pull him away, but he shrugged her off easily. He had Daniel backed up against the wall, and Daniel's growing distress meant nothing to him. Daniel's eyes were glazing over and glistening with unshed tears; twelve hours earlier, that would have been more than enough to make him stop, and he knew it. But he couldn't stop. Once he'd let himself start, all the rage and hatred he'd been holding back was boiling over, and he couldn't have stopped it if he'd wanted to.

Teal'c stepped forward.

"O'Neill, perhaps if you would allow Daniel Jackson to speak ..."

"Oh, yeah, Teal'c! That's a great idea! Let's let him talk. Maybe he can talk himself out of this, the same way he talked that damn bitch out of those cuffs! That worked out just great for you, didn't it, Danny?" Jack spat the name out, using it as a weapon rather than the term of endearment that it normally was, and he took another step forward. His face was only inches from Daniel's, close enough that he could feel the man's even but slightly quivering breaths against his skin, but instead of making him back off, it only served to anger him more. "What the hell were you thinking? Did you think she was another present for you?"

Daniel flinched and gritted his teeth; Sam gasped and Teal'c's posture stiffened. He had a feeling in the back of his mind that he was going too far - way too far.

But he wasn't done.

"What, a former slave isn't enough for you? Thought you'd go for a real goddess this time? Did you see her and immediately start thinking, 'Gee, maybe if I'm nice to her I'll get some today.'?"

Daniel simply stared straight ahead, his eyes locked on the space above Jack's right shoulder.

"Colonel, stop!"

"Do you know what you almost did to this planet, Daniel?" Jack raised his right hand and jabbed his index finger into Daniel's sternum. "You! You alone almost handed this entire planet to the Goa'uld!"

There was no answer. The blue eyes were wide and filled with fear and pain, but unseeing. The open palms were shaking. Jack's anger grew at the lack of response, and he pressed harder.

"Why did you do it, Daniel?" Jack demanded. He knew that his face was getting redder, because he could feel the flush that had risen into it. "Why the hell did you sleep with her?"

Daniel was trembling all over now, and Jack knew it was more from fear than anger. He had his arms wrapped around his stomach, and he closed his eyes. Jack could hear his gasping, shaking breaths, and he knew that Sam and Teal'c could hear them, too.

"Colonel, you're scaring him!"

"O'Neill!"

Sam and Teal'c moved forward as one, stepping in front of him and trying to block his view of Daniel.

"Colonel, Teal'c and I really need to talk to you."

"Indeed, O'Neill. At this moment exactly."

"Hang on a minute," Jack responded, waving them off. "I asked you a question, Daniel. Answer me!"

Daniel didn't speak, didn't move. He opened his eyes, stared at nothing, and took another deep breath. The trembling had started to subside. Jack had seen it before.

Daniel was shutting himself down.

"Colonel, leave him alone!"

"No, Captain!" Jack answered with venom without taking his eyes from Daniel's face. "Not this time!"

"O'Neill, this conversation is causing Daniel Jackson great distress."

"Oh, well, gee ... I really don't give a damn, Teal'c!" Jack spun to face them. "How can you two stand there and defend him after what he did?" Jack turned back to Daniel, reaching out suddenly to grip the younger man's jaw in his hand.

"Colonel, no!"

"What you did, Daniel ... no defense. The greatest threat this planet has ever known walked through the front door, and you decided to take it to bed!"

Daniel closed his eyes one more time. When he opened them again, they were empty. The fear was gone, as were the pain and the unshed tears.

"You screwed up, Dannyboy! You screwed up, and then you screwed her!"

Jack was beyond mad. He was irate. His anger, frustration, and helplessness at the way Hathor had treated him, at the wound that had been inflicted upon him, at the casual way Daniel had mentioned that the DNA would be his, at the fact that Daniel had been part of it, had helped her convince the men on the base to listen to her, follow her, belong to her … It all boiled to the surface, and he erupted. He grabbed Daniel by the collar of his jacket and pushed him up against the wall.

"Talk to me, damn it! Explain yourself! Give me a reason, Daniel, give me your excuse!"

Sam grabbed Jack's arm again and pulled against him as hard as she could. "Colonel! Let go of him!"

Jack shrugged her off and pulled Daniel forward until their faces were only inches apart. "You helped her turn me into one of them!"

"Colonel, you're hurting him!"

"Not yet, Carter. But I'm seriously thinking about it!"

"O'Neill, your behavior is most irrational. If you continue, you will cause harm to Daniel Jackson."

Jack roared his fury at Daniel's lack of defense and shook him bodily. Daniel offered no resistance, and his deafening silence served only to infuriate Jack more. "Say something, damn you! Answer me!"

Jack punctuated his demand by slamming Daniel into the wall. His head bounced off, and the sound of it seemed to echo through the locker room.

"No!" Sam cried out.

Daniel didn't even flinch.

Jack growled, released his right hand from Daniel's jacket, and pulled his fist back. Before he could throw it, Teal'c had stepped between the two men, gripped Jack around the chest, and pushed him away.

"Why didn't you stop her, Daniel? Why the hell didn't you stop her!"

He struggled against Teal'c's grasp, reaching out to grab Daniel again. Daniel's expression hadn't changed at all; his gaze remained locked on nothing, his eyes as dull and lifeless as they had been in the VIP room. He knew that Sam and Teal'c were confused and shocked by his behavior, but they didn't understand. They couldn't understand.

They hadn't been there.

"O'Neill, you would be wise to be silent at this point."

"Oh really, Teal'c? And why would that be?"

"Daniel Jackson is your friend, O'Neill, as you are both mine. He has been gravely mistreated by our enemy, as have you. He is not to blame for what has transpired here, and I will not allow you to injure him further."

Silence descended again, and a few seconds later, Daniel's eyes rolled back in his head and he started sliding down the wall none-too-gracefully.

"Daniel?" Sam asked in concern, stepping forward. "Daniel!"

Sam tried to make a grab for him, but Teal'c was faster. He released his grip on Jack and wrapped his arms gently around Daniel, lowering him to the floor slowly. Sam knelt beside him, checking his pulse and breathing. Jack groaned and threw his arms in the air in frustration.

"Oh, great. Now he's fainting."

Sam looked up at Jack, daggers flying from her suddenly cold blue eyes. "Sir, with all due respect, shut the hell up."

"That's insubordination, Captain!"

"Yes, sir, it probably is. But at the moment, I think it's entirely justified. What the hell is wrong with you?" Sam looked back down at Daniel and started loosening the collar of his shirt. "With everything he's been through in past twenty-four hours ..."

"Oh, get off it, Carter! He's not the victim here. He hasn't been through anything!"

"Really?" Sam's voice dripped with sarcasm when she answered. She closed her eyes, placed a gentle hand against Daniel's cheek, and turned his head to the side. "Then what exactly are those?"

Jack stepped forward to see what she was talking about, and as her fingers brushed Daniel's hair away from his face, he saw them. Five deep bruises, the size and shape of fingerprints, marred the side of Daniel's neck. Jack shook his head at the implication of that; it didn't make any sense. Daniel had bruises on his neck. Bruises implied a struggle, a fight.

The realization dawned with sudden, perfect clarity, and the anger that Jack had allowed to consume him faded into nothingness, leaving him completely drained. He closed his eyes and let his head fall back as he sank to his knees on the floor.

Teal'c gently lifted Daniel's right wrist from the floor, pushing the sleeves of his shirt and jacket out of the way and motioning toward it with his head. More bruises, more fingerprints, all around his wrist. When he saw the look of horror that crossed Jack's face, Teal'c spoke again. "It does not appear that Daniel Jackson was as willing as you claim, O'Neill."

"Oh, gee, Teal'c, ya think?" There was anger in his voice again, but it wasn't directed at Daniel. He was mad at himself, at Hathor, at every other man on the base, at everyone on the planet except Daniel. "Shit," he whispered as he pushed Daniel's other sleeves up, closing his eyes when he saw identical bruising around his left wrist. "I just fucked up."

A moan from the floor called their attention to the fact that Daniel was starting to rouse. Sam leaned forward, laying her hand against his cheek again. "Daniel? Can you hear me?"

Blue eyes fluttered open slowly and glanced around in confusion. "Hey, Sam." Daniel looked from Sam to Teal'c to Jack, apprehension and uncertainty plain on his face. "Um ... what happened?"

"Well," Jack began. He caught the warning look that Sam aimed in his direction, and he softened his voice. "You blanked out for a bit there, Daniel."

"Blanked out?" Daniel looked around again. He pressed his hands against the cold tiles of the floor and tried to push himself up. Teal'c grabbed his right arm to steady him as Sam pushed past Jack to do the same on his left. They helped him into a sitting position, then let him lean against the wall.

"Do you feel any pain, Daniel Jackson?"

Daniel's eyebrows lowered in concentration as he assessed himself. Jack knew that he was searching his memory for some explanation of how he had ended up on the floor, but apparently he found nothing. "My head hurts," he answered with a shrug. "Other than that, I'm fine."

"Yeah, you kinda ... um ... hit your head," Jack explained softly.

Sam and Teal'c exchanged a glance, and Daniel's eyes narrowed. He'd seen the way they looked at each other, and it was obvious that he knew that there was more to the story than they were telling him.

"We should probably get you down to the infirmary," Jack continued. "You smacked it pretty hard."

Something flashed in Daniel's eyes, just for a second, but Jack noticed it. Confusion he'd have expected, but that's not what it was. It was fear. Why would Daniel be afraid of the infirmary?

"Uh ... no. No, I don't need to go to the infirmary."

"You passed out, Daniel," Sam said gently. "You might have a concussion. You really should go see Janet."

Jack gave Daniel a weak smile and patted him on the arm, and he had to force himself to ignore the glares that Sam and Teal'c shot at him. "Besides, you've got to go down and have that physical before we leave, right?"

Daniel turned his head quickly and focused on him. "Why do I need a physical? I just had one last week, remember? Nem, that whole mind probe thing? Janet had me down there for hours, poking and prodding and ..." Daniel's voice drifted off when he saw varying degrees of alarm and concern on the faces of his friends. "What?" he almost demanded. "What's going on?"

"Daniel, do you remember Hathor?" Sam asked softly.

"Hathor? Sure. Why?"

"What do you remember about her?" Jack tried to keep his voice gentle, but it only served to raise the alarm on Daniel's face.

"She's the Egyptian goddess of fertility, inebriety, and music. Daughter and wife to Ra, mother of Horus the ... what?" The alarm was beginning to transform into panic. "Jack, what's wrong? What happened?"

"Hathor is a Goa'uld," Jack whispered.

"Okay. We probably shouldn't be surprised at that. But why are you asking me about her?"

"Hathor was here, in the SGC, for almost twenty-four hours," Teal'c explained.

"We had a Goa'uld on the base?" Daniel looked directly at Jack as panic and alarm seemed to give way to curiosity. "You'd think I'd remember something like that."

"Yeah," Jack agreed softly. "Ya'd think."

"Daniel," Sam interrupted. "Janet ordered full physicals for everyone who came in direct contact with Hathor. You haven't reported in for yours yet."

Daniel closed his eyes and rubbed his forehead with his right hand. "There was a Goa'uld on the base, I came in direct contact with her, and I don't ...?"

Daniel faltered, and his voice trailed off. He pressed his hand to his forehead as though he was pushing away a sudden headache. A shudder ran through him, and his breathing sped up again. Then he gasped, loudly, and pressed his back against the wall.

"Daniel?" Sam asked in alarm, leaning forward to place her hand on his arm. He flinched away from her touch.

Jack could see how much that reaction upset her, so he touched her arm by way of offering comfort, and he took over asking the questions.

"You don't what, Daniel?"

The sound of Jack's voice made Daniel jump, and he shivered, obviously trying to bring himself back under control. "Remember," he managed to force out. After taking another deep breath, he raised his head and looked Jack straight in the eye. He flashed a weak smile that didn't reach his eyes. "I don't remember."

Jack didn't believe him. None of them did, and it showed on their faces. Daniel was wound tighter than a spring and looked ready to shatter into a thousand pieces at the slightest provocation. Jack had some experience with traumatic flashbacks, and he was willing to bet a year's pay that he'd just watched Daniel have one. Daniel took a deep breath, visibly forced himself to relax, and the smile became more seemingly sincere.

"Sorry about drifting off. My head really does hurt quite a bit. I think that maybe going to the infirmary isn't such a bad idea after all."

Sam moved aside and allowed Jack to take her place at Daniel's left side. He and Teal'c took Daniel's arms and helped him to his feet, keeping their hands on him while he regained his balance.

"Do you wish for one of us to accompany you?"

Daniel smiled again. "No, Teal'c, I'm fine. It's just a headache. And I do remember the way to the infirmary." He reached out for Sam's hand, gently squeezing it in his own before turning to Teal'c and patting his arm. Having reassured both of them, he glanced at Jack before pulling away quickly and walking out the door.

Jack watched Daniel leave, trying to force down the strange feeling of fear that had come over him when he'd looked into Daniel's eyes seconds before. He ignored what he thought he'd seen and convinced himself that it was just the harsh lights of the locker room playing tricks on him, dismissing it so he could concentrate more fully on the subject that had taken center stage in his mind. He waited only until he knew Daniel was far enough away that he wouldn't hear the conversation before he spun on Sam.

"You knew?"

Sam nodded her head, glancing across at Teal'c. "I had a pretty strong suspicion, yeah."

"Why? How?"

Sam opened and closed her mouth a few times, unable to speak. Teal'c noticed her difficulty and interceded.

"When we encountered Daniel Jackson in Hathor's quarters, his condition was most alarming."

"One of you tell me what you're talking about!"

Sam took a deep breath and opened her eyes, focusing on Jack. "He was just ... sitting there, staring at the wall. I must have said his name three or four times, sir, but he didn't look at me. It was like he didn't hear me, didn't know I was there ... like he wasn't there. I couldn't tell if he was drugged or in shock or what. It looked like he'd been crying."

"Damn ..." Jack faltered, his eyes darting back and forth between Carter and Teal'c. "What else?"

"The room was ... well, it was a mess. The lamps were knocked over, and the bed ..." She closed her eyes and swallowed hard, unable to continue.

"What about the bed?"

"It was ... the mattress had been knocked sideways. The pillows were everywhere. Furniture was overturned. The sheets ..." Sam looked away, unable to put what she'd seen into words.

"What?" Jack demanded.

"There were dark stains on the sheets, O'Neill," Teal'c replied quietly. Bowing his head, he continued. "From where I stood, they appeared to be blood."

"Blood?"

Sam sighed again and nodded. "That's what I thought it was too."

"So you walk in to Hathor's quarters, and you find Daniel just sitting there, either drugged out of his mind or in shock, or maybe both, on a crooked bed, in a trashed room, with blood on the sheets … and you left him there?" Jack redirected his anger again, this time throwing it all at the two people who stood beside him. "You had a 'pretty strong suspicion' that she'd ... that he'd ... that that snakehead bitch had hurt him, and you just walked out and left him there? How could you do that to him? Leave him behind, leave him to her like that?"

The color rose in Sam's cheeks when she answered him. "Sir, we didn't have a choice! We had a chance to take Hathor out, and we had to take it."

"Captain Carter is correct, O'Neill. The fate of your world was at stake. Had we succeeded, we would have both rid the SGC of the Goa'uld threat and protected Daniel Jackson from further harm by eliminating the cause of his pain."

"I never would have left him there if I'd thought ... if I'd known ... if I'd believed for even one second that we wouldn't be successful."

"But you weren't successful, were you, Captain?" Jack saw her flinch and knew that he was hurting her, but he couldn't seem to stop the words that flew from him lips. "You left him behind, you failed, and she went back! How many more times did she ... how many more times did he go through that?"

"I don't know," Sam whispered, turning away.

"Why didn't you blow the bitch away? Not just for what she did to him, but for everything? Good God, what stopped you from just ...?"

"You did."

Jack's mouth snapped closed at the quiet statement, and he looked across at Sam only to find her staring down at her own feet. "I ... what?"

"It was you who stopped us in our endeavor to neutralize Hathor, O'Neill. General Hammond, several of your airmen, and you."

"It ... I ... it was?"

Sam nodded her head wordlessly, and Teal'c said softly, "Indeed."

Jack sat down hard on the bench, staring first at Carter and then at Teal'c. His memories were still hazy in spots; this was one of them. But he knew that they weren't lying to him.

"Damn it," Jack muttered. "You didn't do this to him then." He buried his face in his hands and rested his elbows on his knees. "I did."

"No, sir," Sam said softly. Jack looked up at her in surprise. "Hathor did."