A/N:
Another one of those
stories where you read it a year after you wrote it and you go
"Eww…god, what was I thinking?"
Yeah. Redone. Hopefully it's a bit better than before.
So. Everyone's two favorite people, James and Sirius, are on a midnight Hogsmede excursion. Using the invisibility cloak, of course. PG-13 for innuendo, but honestly—we're all mature, right? Right?
---
After Hours
(By TasteOfCinnamon)
"Damn you Sirius, would it kill you to slow down for a bit?"
"What, James dear?"
"Your legs are showing."
"It's not like you haven't seen them before."
"Well—yes, but under different circumstances. Last time I did they didn't look quite so pale and pasty. Honestly, Sirius—"
"What are you going on about? My legs aren't—"
"'Course they are. Here."
"AHH! Goddamn James, what the hell are you doing?"
"Showing you your legs."
"I can see my legs fine on my own time, thanks. And that wasn't my leg!"
"Er…wasn't it?"
"Aw jeeze, James. Haven't you ever taken anatomy lessons?"
"You know I haven't."
"You should have. That was my—"
"Oh."
"Yeah."
"Er…sorry mate."
"S'Alright."
"…"
"…"
"Sirius?"
"Hmm?"
"Slow down, your legs are showing."
"They wouldn't be if you'd just hurry up."
"Oh come on. Come on, get back under the cloak and shut up, you'll wake up the entire castle."
"Already awake."
"What are you going on about now?
"The entire castle. It's already awake."
"What, Peeves terrorize the teacher's baths again?"
"Who?"
"Peeves."
"He's done that before?"
"Back in second year. Towards Halloween."
"I thought that was Peter."
"What? Why would Peter do that?"
"I thought he'd always had a thing for Professor McGonnagall."
"…"
"Why're you staring at me like that?"
"Why the Hell would you think something like that?"
"I dunno. Didn't he?"
"No."
"Oh."
"…"
"We were talking about how you woke the entire castle."
"Who did? I did?"
"Yep."
"I didn't."
"Sure as heck James. You and Lily."
"You mean…"
"Yep."
"…Oh stuff it Padfoot. We used a silencing charm like always."
"Who?"
"Who what?"
"Who used the charm? You or Lily?"
"I did."
"Oh."
"What 'Oh'"
"Oh that explains it."
"I—shh!"
"…"
"Is she gone?"
"I dunno, I thought you had the map."
"Shh…What do you mean 'that explains it'?"
"What?"
"You said 'that explains it'."
"Walk faster Prongs. I did?"
"Yes."
"No I didn't."
"You did. I said that I used the charm and you said 'Oh. That explains it.'"
"Maybe."
"…So what do you mean 'That explains it.'?"
"I meant that you obviously don't know how to make a proper silencing charm."
"What're you talking about?"
"We all heard you James. Loud and clear."
"Ah."
"Mm hmm."
"Dammit."
"My sentiments exactly."
"How bad was it?"
"Oh, I dunno. 'Oh James, oh James, oh James! Oh God!"
"Shh! Lily never said that."
"I can assure you, she did."
"And I'm certain she didn't."
"I don't know why you're so concerned. If anything it boosted your reputation."
"Can it, Sirius."
"You did give Peter nightmares though."
"He's always having nightmares."
"You probably scarred him for life."
"It's not like you don't do the same."
"Well, I always let the girl do the charm, while I, er, prepare."
"Prepare?"
"You know."
"No."
"Oh, stretches, warm ups, things like that."
"You can't be serious."
"That's my name."
"For goodness sake Sirius…Why is it better when the girl does it?"
"They never mess up."
"Not true."
"Why not true?"
"Last year. Alexis Smidget."
"Who?"
"Alexis Smidget."
"…No, sorry."
"I can't believe you don't remember. Blonde, tallish. Hufflepuff."
"…"
"She had a lisp."
"Oh."
"Yeah. 'Thiris, Thiris….'"
"Oh stop being such a b—"
"OUCH!"
"What?"
"You stepped on my foot."
"I didn't."
"You just did. Ouch! Padfoot!"
"I swear, it's not me!"
"There's only two of us under here."
"Yeah, but—"
"Ahh! …Is this you?"
"Yeah."
"So you did step on my foot."
"Sorry, mate. Er, you just grabbed my—"
"Yeah. Sorry."
"Mm hmm."
"Oh no. I just realized…"
"What?"
"How're we supposed to get to Honeydukes?"
"How do we usually get there?"
"That statue of the witch—but that whole corridor's roped off since your little stunt this morning."
"Snivellus got what he deserved. I dunno, shall we apparate?"
"You know we can't apparate yet."
"Cant be that hard. I've seen it done.
"I don't want to end up spliced with your hand sticking out of my arse."
"The whomping willow, then?"
"Oh.Yeah."
"What're you doing, James?"
"What's it look like I'm doing?"
"Looks like you're performing some sort of complicated dance technique. I didn't know you could mambo."
"I can't."
"Then what're you—Oh. Oh come on James, and here I thought you were mildly intelligent. How the hell is a stag supposed to fit under a tree?"
"Er…right. Sorry mate."
"Jeeze.
"…"
"James—Do you have a stick?"
"Yes."
"Let me see it for a second."
"Are you sure? Because normally Lily is the only one that I allow to see it, but, seeing as I've already misgrabbed your leg twice this evening, maybe it's fitting that I allow—"
"Aw jeeze, James."
"Sorry, I'm done. No, I don't have a stick. Why?"
"Why do you think? To freeze the willow with."
"Use your wand."
"You know my wand isn't as long as…a certain other part of my anatomy."
"Well, that, at least, explains why that certain other part of you made such a target that I grabbed it twice—"
"I'd rather not be reminded."
"Sorry. Hang on, there must be a stick somewhere around here."
"Maybe we could petrify Snivellus and use him as a rod."
"That may work. Why cant we just flipendo it?"
"Who, Snape?"
"Yeah, Snape. The tree, you idiot."
"My my, James. What a rash tongue you've got there. If I were a smaller person I'd be mortally offended."
"Damn you Padfoot, hurry up or we'll never get there."
"Oh right. Here we are."
"That's not your wand."
"What? Course it is."
"Your wand is longer than that."
"Now how d'you know just how long—"
"Not this again."
"Yes, well, if you must know, my wand not…available right now, and Peter was sleeping, so…"
"You reached into his trunk and grabbed his."
"Well, no. Actually, he gets paranoid, so he actually sleeps with his wand inside his, er, pyjamas."
"No."
"Yes. But never fear, dear James. I grabbed for it and my aim was true, for—ahem—Peter isn't quite as blessed as I am, and so I was spared from touching a certain object that you, Prongs dearest…Damn it, James, how long are you going to make me go on like this?"
"I was just trying to see how far you could take it."
"Yes. Well."
"What do you your wand mean is not available?"
"I mean it's not available. If you must know, it's currently stuck up the arse of that statue of Boris the Bewildered."
"…"
"What?"
"Why, Sirius?"
"Why what?"
"…Nevermind."
"Oh, you mean why my wand is where it is? You see, Benjamin Frank bet me ten sickles that—"
"I said nevermind, Sirius."
"Well…if you're sure you don't want to know."
"I'm sure. Freeze the tree."
"Hang on--FLIPENDO!"
"---"
"---"
"What the hell did you do!?"
"Ouch. Hmm...that can't be right."
"You think?"
"Lemme
just—FLIPENDO!"
"Ah, jeeze, Sirius. That was the squid."
"Yeah. Once more, then—"
"Actually Padfoot, I'd better do it this time. Where?"
"Nice wand, James."
"Thanks. Where, Sirius?"
"Second knot from the left."
"FLIPENDO!"
"…"
"That didn't work."
"No."
"Okay, so…"
"…"
"Sirius!"
"What?"
"Why didn't that work?"
"Well, you hit the wrong knot."
"Second knot from the left, you said."
"Did I? I meant right."
"Padfoot! Damn you. FLIPENDO!"
"Oh. There we go. You first."
"Naturally."
"Oy! What's that supposed to mean?"
"Just that I've beat you to pretty much everything."
"You haven't."
"I have."
"You haven't"
"Sirius, statues of wood nymphs don't count."
"Of course they do. She was female, wasn't she? She had all the necessary and proper, er—equipment."
"She was rock cold stone!"
"But oh, so delectable."
"That's disgusting."
"Yeah, a bit."
"…"
"Eww. Jeeze, why is it so moist in here?"
"That's how it gets when you're underground."
"Yeah, but—oh, gross."
"…"
"…"
"Dammit, Sirius, stop singing."
"I'm not singing."
"Humming. Stop humming."
"I thought you loved my voice."
"You would, wouldn't you? Oh! Oh jeeze, this is just disgusting."
"What?"
"Look!"
"You're not scared of dirt, are you?"
"It's not dirt, Padfoot."
"What? Then what is it? Looks like dirt to m--AHH! Oh, jeeze, this is disgusting! Get them off!"
"Ack, hold still Padfoot. Stop moving around."
"It's a little hard with these things crawling over me. Prongs!"
"Well, try!"
"I CANT!"
"Oh, damn! Sirius!"
"JAMES!"
"SCOURIGIFY!"
"…"
"…"
"Ow. Er, that was quite painful."
"Looked that way"
"That moment's going to haunt me for the rest of my life."
"You mean like my screams?"
"Yeah. Like your screams.
---
"Honedukes, we meet again."
"And I was just starting to feel warm and fuzzy."
"Sirius."
"Hmm?"
"Where's the cloak?"
"I thought you had it."
"I did? Oh damn."
"Either 'damn' has suddenly become an expression of great joy, or you're about to tell me something I really wont like."
"I left the cloak back at the…the spider place."
"And what did I tell you?"
"Sorry mate."
"If we're seen, I'm blaming you."
"Maybe if you hadn't stepped in them,"
"Yeah, like I just had nothing to do but step in a hole full of spiders."
"But then again, what do I know?"
"Helloooo, Honeydukes."
"Shut up, they'll hear you."
"Who'll hear me? There's no one here."
"They live right above the store."
"Oh. Right then."
"Lets see…Grab a bag."
"I've got one."
"Droobles gum?"
"Raspberry. Ooh, they got a new stock of sugarquills."
"Excellent. Grab me a dozen."
"Jelly rats, cockroach clusters, chocolate frogs…is that about it?"
"I've got the bonbons and Bertie's Beans. Let me just leave some money on the counter, and…Oh crud."
"What?"
"You got any money on you Padfoot?"
"Well, seeing as I lost my bet with Benjamin earlier today—"
"I thought I had some extra sickles."
"Just leave a note on the counter, we can pay them next time."
"Right. I've got a scrap of parchment somewhere…Ah. Toss me a sugar quill?"
"Purple or pink?"
"Oh come on, Sirius, I don't care."
"I'm rather partial to lime green, myself."
"Lime green will do."
"Although the electric blue is quite—"
"Padfoot!"
"Alright, alright, jeeze. Here."
"…Will..pay…you…back…next…time…Done."
"Right. Let's get out of here. Open…open the trap door, will ya, James?"
"My hands are kinda full here."
"Well so are mine."
"Oh great. Great. Hang on. Ouch!"
"Ouch! That was my foot!"
"Yeah, well that was my arm. Ahh!"
"No, you're fine. I caught it. James—"
"Shut up! Here, get in."
"Erg…Ow!"
"What now?"
"Well it's kinda hard lowering yourself into a hole when your hands are full."
"Stop being such a baby and hurry. I'm sure they've heard us already thanks to your yelping."
"Excuse me, I don't yelp."
"Janice Tinsborne."
"Ah. Well, she was a bit…er…"
"Forceful?"
"Demanding."
"Sounded like it—What are you doing now, Sirius?"
"Trying to—ow! Shift these bags."
"Leave it alone."
"Easy for you to say. You don't have to carry the chocolate frogs."
"What's that got to do with anything?"
"Well, they move. And, er--it's quite uncomfortable."
"Can't be that bad."
"No? Well, why don't you carry this bag then?"
"Fine. Hand it over."
"…"
"…"
"…"
"Huh."
"Mm hmm?"
"You were right, Sirius, this is unc0omfortable."
"Mm hmm. Try holding the bag a little higher."
"Ah."
"…"
"…"
"James?"
"Yes, Sirius?"
"You know when you reached for that bag, you again grabbed my—"
"Yeah, Sirius. I know."
---
A/N:
Ahem. NO slash implication whatsoever, despite the, uh, repeated grope-ings and…nevermind.
Reviewwwwwwww.