a/n: This is from McGonagall's perspective. After returning from the war with Grindelwald she discovers that life isn't just gonna go back to the way it was...

I'm No Hero

You used to think me soft

You used to think me warm

But I see it in your eyes

You don't think that anymore.

'Back then' I was a lover,

I was completely yours,

But now I am a frigid bitch,

A veteran of war.

They like to call me hero

Because I saved a few:

Like they don't know I sent

So many more to fight and lose.

My men, they were good people all,

Now all of them are dead.

You know I'd save them if I could

And take their place instead

And that's what's in your eyes tonight

- An overwhelming fear

That I am someone you can't save.

That I'm not really here

But standing on a battlefield

That physically has healed

Yet in my mind it's crowded

With the men whose fates I sealed.

Standing on a battlefield

Filled end to end with blood:

My men, my friends, the enemy

All face down in the mud

And you can't lift that burden

Nor stop me in the night

When I scream and flail and flounder

And wake up drenched in ice.

You try to calm my breathing

And whisper soothing words

But I can't stand your comfort

When I deserve to hurt.

How am I to tell you

What you cannot understand?

You staged the final battle

But what of the slaughtered lambs?

You ended all the hardship

And don't think I'm not grateful

But I can't help but feel this way:

Resentful, sometimes hateful.

I envy you your peace of mind

- I killed so many, you so few -

I wish I didn't feel this way,

I don't know what to tell you…

I know that everything's messed up,

I know I've been unfair.

These days I feel so dead inside

And I don't want to share

This awful agony I'm in;

This deep despairing void;

The fear the love I had for you

Is utterly destroyed.

I feel like joy is lost to me,

I cannot laugh nor smile,

I only feel the emptiness.

My every day's puerile.

These are the things I cannot say,

Can't bear for you to know.

I'm sorry for the cold façade,

It's out of my control,

I loved you once with all my heart

But now that heart is stone.

I know that I must leave you now

And figure out alone

The thoughts that tumble through my head

And leave a churning wake,

I need to smooth the ripples of

The last few years' mistakes.

I cannot say when I'll be back,

If I'll be back at all.

I know you'll find this hard to take

For you're afraid I'll fall

Without the anchor of your love

And infinite compassion.

I have no reassurances

To offer so I've fashioned

An argument, a feeble plea

For you to trust in me.

I am a bird, locked in a cage,

That you must now set free.

I have a path to follow

That has forked away from yours.

You cannot go where I am going

Nor fight the demons I have forged.

I know I must go under

Though I may drown in the attempt

For what is my life worth

If I can't live it with intent?

When I went off to fight

I must admit I never dreamed

The ideals for which I fought

Would be a hollow victory

But here I am and so it is

An ending I did not foresee;

I have another war to fight

Though it is fought internally.

I have to gaze into myself

And come to terms with what I see

Or I am doomed to live a half-life

Knowing only misery.

Okay, this is the longest poem I've ever written and took me a MONTH to complete. I tend to put down and pick up poems. My longest time to get one right was two and a half years so I suppose a month isn't so bad in comparison. lol.

I'd love to hear what you think - if you've made it this far, that it!

Thanks for reading.

Aphelion