Disclaimer: I own nothing, as usual.

Xander, Queen of the Underworld

Chapter 1

"So…does this mean I have to…be your Queen?" Xander gulped, staring at the bright red demon of musical numbers, who he had so foolishly summoned to make sure he and Anya would get their happy ending. Bad idea. Way bad.

"It's tempting," the scoobies were silent as the demon stroked his chin, mulling it over, "and, the invocation details are rather binding…"

Xander prayed to whatever gods were out there to deliver him from whatever unspeakable…musical-ness awaited him.

"So I accept!" The 'gods' had forsaken him.

That had been a while ago. The raven-haired young man knew the Slayer and their friends would probably be looking for him, but even he had no idea what dimension he was in, so he wasn't all that convinced it would be a quick recovery.

"My lord!" A wooden-headed minion danced into the hall, addressing the King of the dance in a rather robotic voice, "My master; there's been a tangling-"

The red demon glared.

"My liege?" The King pointed a curved finger at the young man in the seat beside him.

"Oh-and my Queen; great to see you."

Xander groaned.

"That's better," the demon smiled at his 'wife', who offered a weak grin in return, "Now; what news of a tangling?"

"The marionette-demons; no one knows whose strings are whose! They…" The blockhead rambled on, but Xander tuned him out.

"I believe this requires my immediate attention; the show won't go on tonight if I don't sort this out before the other thespians find out and start manipulating the marionettes." He joined his blabbering servant, "I trust you can take care of everything in my absence?"

No. Xander didn't want to be left alone to deal with the creeps that inhabited this crummy place. He didn't want to check the lighting and the sound cues, or go over lines, or tend to the stage-or anything else that had to do with any of the 500 musicals put up every day in this worse-than-Hell-dimension.

The young man moved to protest, but the demon cut him off, "Now Xander; I've let you tag along and observe as much as you need to; you're more than capable of dealing with any issues that arise in this theater," the red creature cast him a sympathetic look, "but it's time you take responsibility..."

The dimension's only human didn't really feel like listening to yet another lecture on the duties of the 'Queen of the Underworld', so he just shrugged it off with a "Yeah, yeah, yeah," and waved the demon away. Sinking into his velvet-upholstered chair, Xander ran his hands through his hair.

"My Queen!" another demon with light blue skin, wings, and pointed ears, held up a tattered tutu, "That animal ruined our costumes!" The pathetic thing was close to tears. So too was the 'Queen' who wanted nothing more than to be anywhere but there.

The premier of the dimension's reenactment of Shakespeare's "A Midsummer Night's Dream", complete with actual flying demons for fairies and another supernatural creature that truly had a donkey-head to play the unfortunate 'Nick', was tomorrow night. And 'Nick' had given in to his animal instincts and destroyed the cast's carefully constructed wardrobe; yet again. Xander was well aware of this, and actually knew the exact number of hours it took to recreate the costumes, as well as the names of the creatures that had worked at it, and at this point could probably sew his own tutu or tunic with ease. The dark-eyed youth was ashamed.

"I'll call the repair team." He sighed, getting out of his chair to perform his queenly duties.

Xander started his search with the stage wings, unsuccessfully, and then turned his efforts to the backstage area, where he finally found them with a crowd of other actor and stage-crew demons trying to subdue the one with the donkey head.

"Whoa there!" All turned to acknowledge their beloved co-ruler's entrance, halting their work. The raven-haired one nodded at his subjects, and calmly headed over to donkey-head. "Easy boy; it's alright." A simple few strokes of the furry head and a loosening of the harness that held him was more than enough to calm the beast. It definitely worked better than this dimension's preference for tying and torturing such uncooperative performers.

"Thank you, your highness!" The demons bowed in gratitude.

"Enough with the bowing; it was no big deal." He knew they wouldn't listen. Normally the young man was into him-worship, but no when it came with the rather effeminate title of 'Queen', which he did not find quite as cool.

"You guys should loosen his reigns every once in a while; be nice, you know?" The crowd dissolved into fits of laughter.

"You jest, dear queen!"

"What a laugh."

"Kindness?"

"Who would ever!"

Xander sighed. He missed the days when niceness was…nice.

Forcing himself out of his usual homesick reverie, the young royal got back to business.

"Costumes, right," he murmured to himself, "can I get some seamstresses in here?"

A few hunchbacked demons with stringy white hair and long pointed nails hobbled forward.

"Shall we, ladies?"

The dark-haired boy was not all that into sewing. It was so…girly. Not all in-keeping with his previous mucho-macho construction worker position. Those were the days…

"Ow!" The sewing boy pricked himself with a needle, drawing him back into the conversation of the hags before him.

"I don't see why we can't sew another donkey head and put it on a less destructive actor!" The first flashed her amber eyes through her mess of limp bangs.

"Indeed! Surely there's someone out there who's better suited!" The second gestured to accentuate her speech with a knobby, fabric-covered hand.

"Suited for what?" The 'Queen' had only tuned into the last few words of the second demon.

"The role of Nick Bottom!" the third filled him in, her forked tongue darting, "So what if he has a real donkey head? It's not appearance that makes a show! It's the acting!"

"Which he's not even doing because he already is a man with a donkey head!" The first affirmed.

"Oo!" the second squealed, "What if we simply cut off the beast's head? We could hollow it out and put it on a new actor-still using a genuine donkey head!"

"No, no-that wouldn't do," the first scolded, "he's visiting from another dimension. The king summoned him specifically for this role. They'll be sending him back after the show."

"Where is he from again?" The third inquired.

"Some almost-human dimension. Like your world, my Queen!" The second grinned in Xander's direction.

"We'll need to be careful about sending him back. One mispronounced word could send him to your universe, your highness!" The first warned.

A plan was slowly taking root in Xander's mind. Not a great plan, by any means, but a plan nonetheless.

"Oh-just think! The misery he'd bring there." The third shuddered.

"You really hate this guy, don't you?" The hags nodded in agreement.

The brown-eyed one rubbed his chin; "What if I subbed for him?"

"…What?"

"A Queen? In such a role!"

"Can you even act?"

The room was a flurry of insulting, doubtful comments.

"Alright, alright! I get that you guys don't want a royal being a donkey-but just think!" Xander grinned, "No one will know-I'll have a donkey head on! I'll tell the King that I'm not feeling well so I can't watch with him. It's foolproof!"

The demon seamstresses were not convinced.

"Come on! I'll hide donkey-boy in my room to sub for the 'sick' me, and you won't have to deal with him! No more eaten costumes, no more baying-fits…it's a win-win!"

The women argued quietly amongst themselves, then gave a unanimous, "We're in!"