Breakfast
My name is Cassandra, and I hate living in Vice City. Today has been a really bad day. Why? Come closer, and I'll tell you. It all started this morning when I went downstairs for breakfast. My lousy no good husband was down there helping himself to some Ramen Noodles. He never trusted my cooking. I think it has something to do with the strychnine I keep under the sink. Anyway, I went downstairs for breakfast, and guess what that bastard had the nerve to say to me.
"I want a divorce."
Needless to say, I was a little more than upset. I was feeling homicidal. "You what?"
"I want a divorce."
"No, you don't."
"Yes, I do."
"Well, you won't get one."
"Why not?"
"You won't need one." I punched him right in his face. Then I kicked him until a pool of blood appeared under him. I realized then that I needed to get out of the house. For good measure, I grabbed a knife from the knife rack. Then I took the bundle of money that was floating over my former husband's body.
I went outside and remembered the car wasn't working, so I stepped into the street. An old woman stopped her Buick right before she could hit me. I opened the door and pulled her out. When I got inside, she began to complain. I couldn't just leave her there in the middle of the street, so I ran over her. I got out to grab the money floating over her body. Then I ran over her again on my way to the post office.
When I got inside the post office, I knew this was going to be a bad day. There was a line so long it went around the block twice. I had a package to mail. I couldn't wait. I pulled out a Playstation 2 controller and quickly put in the weapons cheat code. Then I reached into my infinitely deep pockets and pulled out a grenade. I pushed my way to the front of the line. All I had to do was wave the grenade in front of the man's face at the counter, and you wouldn't believe how nice he was. He was absolutely eager to take my package and mail it off for me.
When I walked out of the building, I decided that, because the man was so nice, I didn't need the grenade after all. I threw it over my shoulder and got into my car. When I drove down the street, imagine my surprise when the post office blew up. It's a good thing I got out when I did. I've always heard stories about post office employees going postal.
My stomach began to rumble. I decided then to go to McDougal's. On the way there, I discovered a traffic jam. There must have been an accident up ahead. Well, I was hungry and wasn't going to wait around because some idiot couldn't drive. I put the car in reverse to drive back a few feet. Then I put it in drive and drove onto the sidewalk. People were screaming and running as I drove down the sidewalk. I honked my horn at them. It's bad enough that they were so rude, they wouldn't even get out of the way as I sped down the sidewalk. What else is a sidewalk for? A few of them flew across my windshield. I should sue.
When I reached open road, I continued on my way to McDougal's. I turned on the radio. An old Black Sabbath jam was playing, so I started bopping my head. Yeah! A minute or so into the song, the radio suddenly began playing Phil Collins of Genesis.
"Hey! I wasn't listening to that!" I tried changing the station, but each one was playing Phil Collins. I looked up to see a convertible flying past me on the road. I got a close enough look to recognize who was in the car. It was Sonny Crockett and Rico Tubbs!
"Oh no!" I shouted. "They are not going to ruin my musical relaxation!"
I sped up enough to rear end the convertible. They tried to evade me. They even drove into oncoming traffic, but I refused to be left behind. I continued chasing them and ramming into the car until both of our cars caught on fire. I rammed into them one last time so their car was wedged between mine and a building. Then I got out and ran as if someone were trying to kill me. Both cars blew up. The force of it threw me to the ground. My health meter dropped to 70. How dare they! They made me blow up my car! I should sue!
I knew exactly what I needed to fix myself right up. I waited until a nice Mercedes-Benz came my way. Then I jumped into the road. The rider stopped, as expected. I pulled him out, beat him down, took the bundle of money floating over his body, and drove off.
I decided to head for the bad part of town over the bridge. When I got onto the bridge, time suddenly stopped. I got out of the car to see what the heck was going on. Above me, written on the air, was the word "Loading."
"Oh," I said. "That explains it." I got back into the car and waited for the loading screen to disappear. Then I was back on the road. I turned a corner and slowed down. There were hookers everywhere. Since I'm not a lesbian, I ignored them.
Then I saw the most handsome man ever created. I drove up to him and waved a hundred dollar bill towards him. Without asking for anything, he jumped into the car. I drove into an alley. Then we jumped up and down in the seats to make the car bounce. My health meter ran up until it reached 100.
"How much?," I asked.
"That will be 300 bucks," he said.
I pulled out $300. He took it and walked out of the car. When he got into the perfect position, I put the car into reverse and ran over him. As any good citizen of Vice City would do, I took the $300 floating over him and drove away.
"Finally," I shouted, "I can get some food!"
I finally made it to McDougal's. As was the problem before, there were long lines. There was no way I would put up with that again, but I'd used my only grenade at the post office. I reached into my infinitely deep pockets and pulled out a machine gun. I began mowing customers down like grass.
When there was no one else in my way, I went to the counter. "I want a number five combo." I was amazed at how fast they were working in the kitchen to get my food. When the man at the counter gave me my food, I said, "You never told me how much it costs."
"It's free," he said in a squeaky voice.
"Well, it's nice to see someone being cooperative today." I sat down to eat. Just as I was finishing my chicken nuggets, a police car showed up. "What the hell?" I looked up and saw two stars in my arrest meter. "Oh, damn!"
I grabbed my machine gun. "You'll never take me alive!" Each cop that came into the restaurant was greeted by a hail of bullets. I saw my arrest meter go up to four stars. Just then, I heard a helicopter overhead. I reached into my infinitely deep pockets and pulled out a rocket launcher. Standing at a safe distance, I shot at the police cars. When they finished exploding, I ran outside and aimed at the helicopter. The rocket hit it head on. The flaming mass of metal fell onto McDougal's. They both went up in smoke.
"Hey!" I shouted. "My food is still in there! I should sue!"
My arrest meter made it to an astounding six stars. A tank rolled my way. I avoided it in time. Then I pulled the driver out, stomped on him, took his money, and jumped into the tank.
Driving through the city in a tank was the most fun I ever had. More cops and helicopters came for me, but they were no match for my tank. I drove over every car I could see, even parked ones. I pushed the tank to its limits, but it could go only so fast. I drove all over the road. I slid across some grass while trying to make a turn. I lost control of the tank and careened into the nearby ocean. I floated out of the tank. Much to my surprise, when I reached the surface, the word "Wasted!" was in front of me.
"Hey, you bastards!" I yelled. "I know how to swim!" The word still hung there. Then everything went black. When it cleared up, I was standing in front of the hospital. I realized all my weapons were gone, and I was missing some money. I earned that money fair and square, and the hospital robbed me!
"I'll show you!"
I found an empty ambulance in the parking lot. I jumped inside and drove off. More pedestrians decided to make driving difficult for me. I turned on the radio. My favorite show, hosted by Maurice Chavez, was on the air. That kooky preacher who was trying to build a giant statue to fly through space was a guest again. That drugged up mother was on the air also. I decided to do the world a favor and pay them a visit.