Disclaimer: I think Star Trek belongs to Paramount, I don't really know or care

Disclaimer: I think Star Trek belongs to Paramount, I don't really know or care.  It was originally Gene Roddenberry's and then it went to DESILU.  Anyway, it's not mine.

THE BIG BREAK-UP

[In the briefing room, Kirk and Spock are sitting at the table while sorting though some PADDs.  McCoy is also at the table, sound asleep.]

Kirk: Who'd have thought it would take so long to sort out the details for having that ambassador come aboard?

Spock: Actually, Captain, I calculated that this meeting would take three-point-two hours, a calculation that has proven-

Kirk: Nevermind.  [glances at McCoy]  We lost Bones an hour back.

Spock: Which, naturally, was one thing I had not accounted for in my calculations, thus throwing off-

Kirk: I got it, Spock.  [shakes McCoy by the shoulder]  Doctor.

McCoy: [still asleep; mutters] Go away.

Kirk: Hmm.  Obviously this calls for creativity.  [enjoying himself immensely]  Oh Doctor McCoy…

McCoy: Not now.

Kirk: [faking urgency] But my wife's having triplets and we need you in Sickbay immediately!

McCoy: [opens one eye] Don't be ridiculous, Jim.  You're not even married.  [opens the other eye and straightens up] Speaking of which, it's a shame you woke me up.  I was having one of my better dreams.

Kirk: What does my not being married have to do with your dream?

McCoy: Not a thing.  It's MY not being married that was related.  Good dream.  Finally encountered a girl who wasn't a monster, a member of a weird cult, had some other strange, unredeemable quality, or died.

Kirk: You haven't had that rotten of luck.

McCoy: Want to bet?

Kirk: Well, maybe so, but when it comes to doomed relationships, nobody tops me.

McCoy: Oh really? [challenging]

Kirk: Girls who died: Miramanee.  That only worked while I had amnesia, and then she died.

McCoy: Nobody died, but there were enough who left me: Natira.  Her duties to her religion or cult or whatever it was required her to get married, and not to me.[1]

Kirk: Edith.  She had to die to fix the timeline.

McCoy: Jocelyn, my ex-wife.

Kirk: How about girls who aren't what they appear?  Rayna.  She turned out to be an android, then she died.

McCoy: Wait.  I thought you forgot about that or something.

Kirk: Yeah, but it's just such a perfect example.

McCoy: Hm.  Anyway, you picked the wrong category.  Nobody can top me there: Nancy.  She turned out to be the M-113 creature and was running around killing people by stealing the salt in their bodies.  At least you didn't have somebody who was killing crewmembers.

Kirk: I did too.  Lenore.  She killed something like seven people, and tried to kill Kevin Riley and me.

[There is a pause.]

Kirk: Your turn, Doctor.

McCoy: [reluctant] I think you've got me this time.  You have to admit it's pretty close though.

Kirk: I'll grant you that.

[Meanwhile, Spock has been observing this exchange with mild interest.]

Spock: This issue does present an interesting area of debate.

McCoy: [disgusted] We're talking about failed romantic relationships, and he calls it an "interesting area of debate."  Of course, I suppose the logical, impassive Vulcans wouldn't be able to relate.

Spock: Quite to the contrary, Doctor.  May I remind you, in chronological order of course, of: T'Pring, Leila Kalomi, Nurse Chapel, the Romulan commander of the ship we stole the cloaking device from, and Zarabeth.

McCoy: [laughing] He's topped you, Jim.  That's five, to your four.

Kirk: Hmph.  Just wait until Sweeps Month.  I'll end up with another one.

Author's Note: Would this happen?  No.  Would Spock actually win this kind of debate?  No, because Kirk's right.  No one can top him in this sort of thing.  Does any of that matter?  No.  It's played entirely for laughs, so who cares?


[1] The Lost Years