Somewhere Between Here And The Stars
Chapter One: Mixed Emotions
Note: Medicins Sans Frontiers (MSF), or Doctors Without Borders, is an international organisation which provides medical aid, most frequently in the form of trained doctors and nurses who volunteer. These people travel to all areas of the world and work in some of the poorest countries in the world, free of charge. For more information, see the MSF website. I have tried to remain as true to this cause in the story as possible, but as an average citizen of the UK I can't be sure that everything is correct. If you find any glaring errors that could be considered offensive, please email me.
----------------
Doug rolled over as
the phone ran, and stuffed his head under the pillow. The answer
machine could pick up for him, no-one in their right mind should
ring at 5.30 in the morning and expect an answer. The machine
clicked on.
"This is Dr. Ross, leave a you-know-what
you-know-when." The tone pealed out, and Doug thought
fuzzily that he should really change the lame message.
"Dr. Ross, if you're there please pick up. It's Bethanie at
MSF, your forms finally came through."
Doug pulled his head out from under the pillow and reached for
the receiver.
"Hello?"
------
Imagine his
surprise when he saw Carol wandering around the side of the house
that afternoon, just casually turning up like she'd always been
there. How could he not play up to that, joining in the game as
if it was all completely normal. Inside he was bursting with joy
but he wouldn't let it show just so he could prolong the moment.
And it wasn't until that night, his arms wrapped warmly around
her to just be certain it was all true, he told her.
"Carol, I need to talk to you. Properly talk."
"Mmm, Doug. Can't we leave that for some other time?"
"No, we can't. I have to tell you this because I have to
leave on Thursday."
"What?" Carol sat up and moved out of his arms, turning
on the couch to face him. "Leave?"
"You know that I've been working with Medicins Sans
Frontiers. This morning, my application to be an on-call doctor
came through. On Thursday I'm flying out to Africa. It's my first
mission, I'll be out there for about 3 months..."
Carol left the couch and went to look out of the large portrait
windows. She felt like something inside her had just shattered.
The dream. That feeling that she was home, happy for the first
time in a year and everything was just right. And now...this.
Doug was going away for 3 months and it was just going to be the
same again, the same as when he hadn't been there. Struggling
with the twins just to be able to leave the house, struggling to
get up herself every morning, pretending nothing was wrong. She
couldn't do all that again, she couldn't. A single tear ran down
her cheek as she looked out over the dark waters, little lights
glinting in the distance from other houses.
"Carol. I want you to stay here. I want you and the girls to
be a family with me. If I had known...I can't turn the mission
down now. But I love you, and I love my daughters. Please be here
when I get back."
She let her chin fall to her chest, feeling more tears behind her
eyes as she listened to Doug. He was behind her, close, she could
feel the heat from him, the despondance with it. How could she do
what he asked? On top of everything she would be in a new place,
surrounded by strangers, no job, no friends. Her shoulders
convulsed for a moment, as she convinced herself not to go to
pieces, not here right in front of him.
Doug reached forward and put one hand very gently on her
shoulder. He hated this, hated his job now. This morning he had
been so excited, almost childishly so, making all the
arrangements for his departure and tidying the house. That was
why he'd been in the boat, throwing the tarp over so it didn't
rot while he was gone. But now it was different. He'd suddenly
become someone with responsibilities for three other people, he
wanted to stay here and play with his children, stay here and
love Carol. Heavens, he'd smashed her hopes to pieces so many
times before. He felt her shoulder shake underneath his palm, and
knew that she was holding back. It wasn't fair. Not on her, not
on the girls, not on him, that this had to happen now.
------
They both flew out of Seattle on Thursday night, headed to
different destinations. Carol was flying back to Chicago, to
collect the twins, to sort out all the documentation and the
other preparations that needed to be made for the move. Doug was
flying to New York, transferring to a flight direct to Abidjan on
the Ivory Coast. There he would be flown on a small, private jet
to Liberia to begin his mission.
------
Carol's plane touched down on Chicago turf at 4.12am. She stood
in the queue of people wating to disembark the plane and looked
out of a window into the dim morning light. Only 3 days had past,
but it felt like a lifetime. It had taken her one of those three
precious days to come to terms with Doug's new career and to make
the decision that she would stay in Seattle, with the girls.
Although she was angry and hurt, and above all disappointed, she
knew inside her that she would wait forever for Doug, and that
while those first 3 months would be hard, she could make it.
Finally leaving the airport, Carol hailed a cab and returned to
the house. Unlocking the door, once she had found the keys, she
stepped inside and stood for a moment on the threshold. There was
so much to do. Would she sell the house? Rent it out? How would
she transport all the...the things that she had, and the two
babies had, to the other side of the country? What was she going
to do about a job? And she'd have to quit County properly, which
would take time and paperwork. She closed the door behind her and
went to perch on the edge of the armchair. Strange, it felt like
she should be polite here now, restrained more. Maybe because now
all she felt here was the ache of holding back, the past year of
being self-contained. She sat there for some time, looking around
at the place that had meant so much to her - the freedom, love
and hard work it represented. The huge step in her life that it
symbolised. And yet now she had this feeling, this strange,
undescribable feeling, that she wanted to say goodbye to it, that
she neeed to move on but as if she didn't want to go. At the same
time.
Sighing perceptively, she picked herself up and checked her
watch. She wanted the girls. She didn't want to start anything
until she had them back here. Then she would go and see Mark, and
Kerry, and explain.
------
Doug's plane touched down at 3.44pm local time, but by his body
clock it was 3.44am. He'd barely slept on the plane, there was so
much to think about, and besides that he was seated next to his
mentor for the next 3 months. Dr. Adam Simons, a specialist in
tropical medicine from San Diego, was tall, slim, very tanned and
very calm. He was so reserved and collected, Doug felt like he
might have a panic attack just from watching his careful
selection of still mineral water, and the slow and precise way he
unwrapped the plastic dessert. Still, there was something likable
about the experienced doctor. This was his sixth mission, he
explained to Doug. He'd been to Ethopia, Kazakhstan, Croatia, the
Congo, and Liberia once before, and this was possibly his last
mission for a while so he could write a series of research
papers. Doug was impressed, worried for a moment that he had been
assigned to someone so dedicated that he wouldn't be able to keep
up. His relief was palpable when Adam leant into the aisle and
asked if they could possibly lose the chick-flick and watch the
football instead.
They were met at the tiny airport by the regional co-ordinator
for MSF. She was a petite woman, wearing khaki pants and a
t-shirt, and she smiled at the two doctors as they walked across
the rough tarmac towards her.
"Adam. It's great to have you back." They hugged.
"Good to be back, Cassandra. You're looking good."
"Thank you. It's the heat, you sweat off everything you eat,
and more." She grinned broadly and then looked at Doug.
"You must be Doug Ross?"
"Yeah. Hi." He shook hands with her, smiling but
feeling his jeans sticking to the backs of his legs, and thinking
that he shouldn't have worn black.
All three of them started in a procession to the small building
that served as the airport, with Cassandra leading.
"We'll go to the office first, get you guys kitted out with
everything and then you can settle into your room. Tomorrow
Solomon will drive you out to your field clinic and the real work
will start."
Doug nodded mutely. Walking beside him, Adam started a discussion
with their leader about the current situation of the country, and
although Doug was positive he should be taking in all the
information, his brain didn't want to co-operate.
It was another hour and a half later before he finally crashed
out on a bunk in a room above what was meant to be the
headquarters. He'd almost missed it when they first got there, as
it was one of many small, terraced shop fronts in the small town
that was the capital of Liberia. Standing by a desk, he'd been
handed a large cooler box, a full backpack, two plastic bags, and
a water flask that he recognised dimly as something that
explorers on the Discovery Channel wore. Then a thin man with
small round wire-rimmed glasses had shown them upstairs to the
little box room that was stuffed full with just one set of bunk
beds. No thoughts passed through Doug's mind in the time it took
him to lose his shirt and pants and collapse onto the lower bunk.
Above him, even Adam had become less conversant and they were
both asleep within minutes.
------
Carol walked through the doors of the ER, the twins in a double
stroller in front of her. She was well aware that this wasn't
going to be easy, and perhaps having the girls around would
distract some of the attention from her. Sure enough, within a
few moments of her entrance there were at least 3 people crouched
around the two babies.
"Carol!"
"Hi Mark."
He stood behind the admit desk, wiping a name off the board
before he came around to see her. "What happened?" He
said it with slight concern in his voice - she looked tired, and
he hadn't seen or heard from her since she ran out of the ER
nearly a week ago.
"It's a long story. Do you have a minute?"
"Sure. Let me just get Luka to cover a patient. Go into the
lounge, we can talk in there, I'll be in in a moment."
"Thanks."
She tried to disentangle the twins from their admirers, and
eventually let Randi push them behind the desk so everyone could
see them while she went into the lounge. Startled for a moment to
see her locker - she already felt like she'd left - she went
across to it and turned the dial. The door came open and she
glanced at the contents. Box of Kleenex, hospital ID tag, spare
set of scrubs, an old carrier bag containing lunch from god knows
when. A baby bottle sat near the rear, and her stethoscope.
Postcards from Europe, Florida and Texas were stuck to the inside
door, and a photo of the girls. The lounge door opened behind her
as she was thinking about dumping all the stuff out into her bag.
"So, tell me what's going on with you, Carol." He
sounded friendly, and poured himself some espresso.
"Coffee?"
"Thanks." He brought the two mugs to the table where
they both sat down, her locker now closed. Mark sipped, looking
at her with raised eyebrows of question.
"I'm leaving, Mark. I want to quit County." There,
she'd said it. Not exactly how she'd planned, but never mind. His
mouth fell open a little, searching for words. "I know I
shouldn't have run out of here last week, I'm so sorry about
that. I went to see Doug."
Mark'd mouth curved slightly into a smile at the corners, and he
was cut off before he could say anything. "We're going to go
out to Seattle and live with him, Mark. Me and the twins. I know
this is sudden, for you. But this last year has been so
hard..." She took a breath, "...and I want to thank you
for being there for me. You've been my best friend this year, and
for all the years I've worked here. I don't deserve you. But I
have to do this. I have to be with Doug."
He gazed down at the table for a while as she stopped talking,
and rasied his head again after she was silent for a few moments.
"Carol. I am so happy for you. And Doug. And the girls. This
is great." He smiled at her, genuinely but with a touch of
sadness. "But I am really going to miss you. All of
you."
"I know." Carol agreed with a smile of her own, her
hands wrapped around the warm coffee mug. Mark laid one of his
own hands across hers, trying to express everything he felt with
the one touch. She knew.
------
The field clinic already had a queue of people waiting outside at
8am when Drs. Simons and Ross arrived. The local who drove them
there in an open topped jeep helped them unload the supplies,
both medical and personal, and pointed them in the direction of
the rear entrace for staff. He drove off again, leaving dust
hanging in the air from the track that served as a road up to the
small but modern building. Doug carried the last large cooler box
through from the decking and put it down on the pale linolieum
floor inside, enjoying the cooler breeze generated by a celing
fan. He looked about him. It was very small, but everything was
clean, there were supply drawers and cupboards everywhere, marked
with black marker pen so the contents were easily established. He
cracked a door open and saw an additional room with a gurney,
screen and sink. The exam room. Adam came in carrying their two
personal backpacks, and stood directly under the fan letting the
air blow across the top of his head.
"Mmm. That's better. 98 they say it is today. It should get
up to about 110 within the week."
"110?"
"Yeah. That's when we stop enjoying the fan and start
dreaming of air conditioning." He put the backpacks down on
the floor by a cupboard marked 'dressings', and went to the front
of the room. Doug rubbed the back of his head, contemplating 110
degrees, and closed the exam room door again.
"So how does this work? We split up and take one person at a
time?"
"Yeah, we can do it that way if you want. But we have to
wait for the interpreter to get here. I can only speak a little
French, and a lot of these people will speak a sort of
creole."
"Ah, okay. And when does the translator person turn
up?"
"Should be anytime now. In the meantime, it gives us a
chance to get set up, unpack a bit. Our rooms are upstairs, I
went and had a look. There's a kitchen too."
"I'm hoping you're a good cook because I can just about
stretch to mac and cheese."
Adam grinned as he emptied a container of sterile drapes into a
drawer. "But that's MY specialty!"
"And I'm guessing the nearest pizza joint is some way
away?"
"Think they deliever?"
"Only by chopper. And your order has to be over a
grand."
Doug dumped fifteen suture kits into a tray and picked out a key
from the cooler.
"What's this for?"
"The meds cabinet. It's out at the back. People still have
addictions out here, you have to be careful with some of the
drugs."
"Yeah...it's just like an ER really, I guess."
"Pretty much. That's your specialty though isn't it,
emergency medicine?"
"Yeah, emergency and peds. I'm a pediatrcian really, but I
worked in an ER for about 10 years."
"In Chicago, right? I know you told me most of this
yesterday but I lost a lot of brain cells through lack of
sleep."
"Yeah." Doug nodded, wiping the sweat on his hands off
on his jeans. "Actually, this place reminds me of when the
air conditioning broke down during a heat wave in the ER."
"Damn. That can't have been nice."
"Wasn't."
They continued to unpack, chat, and prepare themselves for the
next 3 months.
------
Carol emerged from a long talk with both Mark and Kerry, and went
towards the admit desk to use a phone - she had to schedule a
meeting with Romano and other members of the hospital board to
discuss her contract and possible transfer. She stopped abruptly
when she saw Tess in the arms of Luka. He was talking to her,
leaning against the edge of the counter, while Haleh played with
Kate still in her stroller seat. Mixed emotions rushed across
Carol's eyes and through her mind. All her feelings for Luka, all
her feelings for Doug, all her morals surrounding her children.
For an instant she realised she was going to regret the fact that
the twins would never be able to remember the gentle giant who
had affected their lives in so many ways. And she regretted her
desertion of him, just from the look of pain in his eyes as he
gazed up at her and passed the infant back. She couldn't find the
words as she had been able to before, she felt stupid. That long
speech she'd given him before she ran out of his life, and now
here she was, back again only a week later. Brushing a loose curl
out of her face, she took Tess back and smiled sadly at Luka. He
nodded, avoiding eye contact and left with a chart, his head
bowed over it.
"Can I use the phone?"
"Of course, Carol you don't have to ask." Haleh pointed
at a free telephone on the counter. "You going to tell us
what's going on?"
Carol punched in the relevant extension, balancing the phone
between her chin and shoulder. Smiling faintly, she said
"I'm leaving. We're going out to Seattle." She watched
Haleh's eyebrows rise to the heavens as someone picked up on the
other end of the phone. It was some minutes later, a meeting
scheduled for noon the next day, that Carol finally claimed back
her children. Looking around at the assembled, questioning faces,
she took a breath in and cleared her throat. With a smile, she
began, "I know you're all wondering what's going on. I'm
sorry if this is sudden, but I'm leaving. Leaving County, leaving
Chicago. I'm taking the twins to Seattle, we're going to go and
live with Doug." She was interrupted by Chuny.
"Aww! Oh, Carol, I'm so happy for you, and Doug!" She
hugged her. Carol smiled and hugged back, pulling away after a
few seconds.
"I'm not done. I just...well, this is one of the biggest
things I've ever done in my life. And I've been thinking about it
for some time now. But I am going to miss you all so much. You're
like my extended family, I love you all." She was engulfed
again, this time by Lily. Giving up on her speech, she let
everyone crowd around, pass on their sentiments and good wishes,
hug her some more. Tears dampened the corners of her eyes but
didn't spill over. Once more she could feel deep inside that her
actions were right, absolutely perfect for her. And although it
hurt, leaving all these people she'd known as so much more than
co-workers, and uprooting to a totally new community, there was a
prevailing sense of calmness, and being settled, that stood her
upright and sent her on her way.
------
Doug stood outside in the oppressive heat, and carefully lifted
the shirt of the young boy. He had a rash all down his chest,
arms and legs, and Doug thought he might be running a fever
although it was hard to tell as the sweat soaked through his own
shirt. He lowered the shirt and turned to his interpreter.
"Tell her that her son probably has measles and he'll need
to stay longer so we can examine him some more."
She nodded and turned to the woman who stood by the little boy,
and spoke rapidly. The woman nodded mutely and drifted in the
direction of the next queue as pointed out, set aside for those
most in need of treatment. Doug wiped his forehead on the sleeve
of his t-shirt and stopped for a moment to take a drink of water.
He'd been given the standard acclimatisation talk that morning
and knew that he had to drink something like 8 litres a day to
prevent dehydration. As he drank, he glanced down the line of
people. He knew he was essentially doing the job of an effective
triage nurse, sorting people with mild, easily curable conditions
from those with more urgent problems, and those who may well need
to be hospitalised. He wore what he considered to be an army
belt, but filled with meds for the cases that could be treated on
the spot, bandages for flesh wounds, rehydration tablets and
immunisation pills. It was front line medicine, and despite the
heat and the insects and the language barrier, he felt like he
was doing just a good a job as he had done in the ER in Chicago
well over a year ago. An old woman, her face crumpled with age,
had shown him her daughter and explained the fainting spells and
headaches. When he gave her a pack of iron tablets and told her
she would be fine, the old woman threw her tired, scrawny arms
around him and said, through the translator, that she had
believed her daughter was going to die. Only his first day, and
yet he felt like he'd made so much difference.
That evening, as he wiped down the exam room with a disenfectant
cloth, Adam came in and sat down at the gurney. He dropped a
couple of paper bags on the top and gestured to the second stool.
"Dinner time."
Doug looked up and ticked his head to one said as he took the
offered seat. "You sure we should eat in here?"
"It's okay. You wiped it all down, as long as we don't get
into a food fight or anything then all we have to do is put a new
roll of paper over the gurney."
Doug reached into the paper bag and pulled out a plastic
container of boiled rice, shortly followed by a carton of
something...it was written in French but had pictues of oranges
and mangoes on the front. He held it up and looked questioningly
at his fellow doctor.
"It's a local specialty. Put it over the rice, it's quite
amazing. I've been craving it since I left here three years
ago."
Doug tipped the thick contents into the rice container and mixed
it all about. He took a mouthful with a plastic fork.
"That IS good!"
"Mmhmm." They ate mostly in silence, drinking water in
between mouthfuls.
"So tell me about this place." Doug scraped up the last
bits.
"The clinic?"
"No, Liberia. I read all the stuff in the package, but it
doesn't really-"
"Relate to our work? Yeah, I know."
Doug nodded, drinking some more.
"Okay, well Liberia's basically a typical third world
nation, has a few political problems verging on civil war but
nothing like the extent of Sierra Leone, or Uganda. The people
speak a French creole, as you know. The biggest medical problem
is HIV and AIDS, then tropical illnesses like Malaria. Around
conflict areas there's sometimes problems with landmines, which
are quite horrific as you can imagine. When I was here before I
was stationed further East and I saw quite a few landmine victims
- kids with their legs blown off, farm workers missing half their
face."
"But I thought that campaigns to clear the mines up had
helped all that?"
"I don't know. I suppose it must have done to some extent,
but it depends on the area, the type of mines, and how easy they
are to find. Also the press, you know, they pick up on the
campaigns, publicise them for a bit until they go out of fashion,
the funding disappears and you've still got half a million mines
in the ground." He shrugged and tossed the rice carton into
the bin. "He scores!" he said, under his breath.
"Well, I'm going to crash."
"Okay." Doug dumped his own garbage in the can, and
pulled a new paper towel over the gurney. Adam headed for the
door, rubbing the small of his back and stretching.
"Adam? Is there a phone around here?"
"Uh, yeah, there's one on the back of the building. You
calling home?"
"Yeah."
"Use the phone card. It's cheaper for international calls,
and besides it's all on the organisation."
"Alright. And this card would be where..?"
"In that bag of stuff with your t shirt and scrip pad."
"Thanks."
"No problem. See you tomorrow."
Doug nodded.
© Triggersaurus 2001