These Words are My Heart and Soul

Chapter 1: Nothing Left

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I do not own The Outsiders. All rights go the S.E Hinton and Francis Coppola. I also do not own Dally Winston (although I wish I did ;) )

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The bright lights of the cop's motorcycle were flashing bright in front of Buck's T-Bird. I still couldn't believe the cop had been dumb enough to believe my excuse. I heard Ponyboy groan from the passenger seat. The kid looked real bad. Maybe the cop wasn't so dumb after all. Pony actually did look like he needed to go to the hospital.

"I was crazy, you know that kid? I was crazy for wanting Johnny to stay outta trouble man." I gave them the hideout. I gave them the gun. If I hadn't, they'd have given themselves in. If I hadn't been here, none of this would be happening.

"If he was smart like me he wouldn't have been in this mess, if he were smart like me he wouldn't have ran in that church man." Didn't he know he was risking his life by running in that burning church? He was laying in a hospital bed because of a few dumb kids he never even met before.

Ponyboy glanced at me with feverish eyes. I just kept on talking. The weight in my chest wasn't going away and I was feeling guilty — guilty for telling them not to give themselves in, guilty for helping them hide.

"You better wise up man, you just better wise up. If you're tough like me, you don't get hurt. Watch out for yourself and nothing can touch you man." I watched out for myself. I didn't get close to people, I didn't let myself get too deep in trouble that I couldn't handle. I was tough, and no one could break me. New York didn't break me, growing up alone didn't break me, prison didn't break me. Nothing had and nothing ever could.

As soon as we entered the hospital, I let go of Ponyboy. He almost fell to the ground and looked at me with confused eyes, but I had no time to lose picking the kid back up. I remembered the nurse's eyes when she told me Johnny had been asking for Pony and I — and that we should go see him before it was too late. Fear took over my body and I made my way through the hospital even faster. I think I was cussed at a few times but I couldn't tell for sure. I didn't care either way. We were about to get in Johnny's room when a doctor blocked our way.

"I'm sorry, you can't go see him. He's dying."

I completely froze. The doctor had just confirmed my fear. I could hear Ponyboy softly crying beside me. Were we too late already? I quickly pulled myself back together and within seconds, I had Two-Bit's precious knife against the doctor's throat.

"I want to see Johnny." I was surprised when my voice came out calm and steady. I wasn't feeling calm at all. To be honest, I was freaking out.

The doctor didn't move or even blink. I was surprised by his calm attitude, but it only made me angrier. For God's sake, I was holding a knife to his throat! Didn't he see I would kill him without a second thought just to get in that room? The doctor looked at me for what felt like an eternity before finally stepping aside.

"You can go see him, but not because of that knife. Because you're his friends."

When we got in the room, there wasn't any noise at all. I looked at Johnny and thought, horrified, that we were too late already. He was way too pale to be alive. I heard Ponyboy gasp and choke on a sob and I knew he was thinking the same thing. I felt an unfamiliar knot in my throat and swallowed hard.

"Hey. Hey, Johnny." His eyes slowly opened and I sighed in relief. I bent down closer to his bed.

"We beat the Socs man, we chased them right out of our neighbourhood. " Johnny didn't answer. Wasn't he happy? We did it all for him.

"Come on," I encouraged him.

He finally responded. "It's useless."

"Huh?" I was confused. The Socs being around our neighbourhood was exactly what caused all of this. If they hadn't been on our territory that night, Johnny wouldn't have killed that kid.

"Fighting ain't no good." Johnny's voice was soft and even lower than usual. He looked like he was in a real bad shape, so I didn't push it.

"You know, they're still writing editorials about you in the paper, you know about you being a hero and all. We're all proud of you buddy, it's gonna be all right." He weakly smiled. I saw a familiar glow in his eyes and my heart tightened in my chest. He always had that glow in his eyes whenever I was with him. I realized to what extent he admired me. For the first time, I realized why Darry was so hard on Pony at times. He just wants Pony to keep on trying his best so that Pony can keep on succeeding. Just like I never told Johnny I was proud of him only because I wanted him to keep on making me proud.

"Ponyboy...Ponyboy..." Johnny's eyes were closed again and he looked even paler than before. Pony put his face closer to Johnny's.

"Stay gold, Ponyboy... stay gold," he whispered. Johnny's lips stopped moving and his head sank in his pillow. Silence filled the room.

I looked at him and softly touched his arm. "Johnny come on." He couldn't be dead. You can't be alive one second and gone forever the next. Anger and pain filled me and my eyes started getting blurry.

"So this is what you get huh? It's what you get for helping people. Punk." I wasn't my angry self. My voice didn't sound right when I wasn't angry. I wanted to be angry. Anything would be better than that empty feeling and that knot in my throat.

"Come on Johnny, don't die." My voice broke. I couldn't remember the last time my voice had broken. Before I knew it, my head was on my arms and tears were running down my cheeks for the first time in years.

"Come on Johnny don't die on me now! Please..." I helplessly begged, but Johnny didn't move. Sobs were starting to shake my body. Johnny couldn't be gone. He was so calm and shy and nice, we couldn't get along without him. He was everything I wasn't. He was everything I used to be. He was all I had and now he was gone. Sobs were still shaking me as I stood up. The Socs. They had beat up Johnny, they were the ones that were looking for a fight that night, it was their fault! He wouldn't be dead if it wasn't for them, it was all their fault!

"Bastards!" I cried, slamming my fist against the wall. I couldn't even tell what was going on with me. Feelings I hadn't felt in years were completely overflowing me and tears were filling my eyes and spilling on my face. I didn't have any control anymore. What the hell was happening to me? I ran out of the room. I was in complete shock and still crying when a doctor stopped me again.

"Hey you, you're not allowed here!" he yelled.

"I'm allowed anywhere I want!" I yelled back. Hell, I didn't even know where the hell I was. I pointed my unloaded gun at the doctor's head. I pressed on the trigger and heartlessly laughed at the low clicking sound. I usually would have gotten a kick out of it, but I just wasn't feeling it.

"You're outta your mind." He stormed off.

"Why do you bother helping people, huh!" Johnny had tried to help people. He had tried to save those kids and now he was gone forever. No glory or money or happily ever after. I had tried to help too. I had tried to help Pony and Johnny and now I had nothing left.

"It doesn't do any good," I mumbled. I couldn't see anything. My eyes were too blurry.

And then I ran. I don't know for how long I did or where I was going. I couldn't feel my legs. I couldn't feel anything. Johnny was all I had left. He was my reason to live and now he was gone. I stared at my unloaded gun. I didn't have much left to do. I lost track of time. After minutes, or maybe hours, I was mindlessly staring at magazines in some store. I heard the cashier cough. I pretended not to hear him.

"You wanna buy one of those, son?" I stared at him and tore the magazine I was looking at in two pieces.

"You know, you tear those up, you have to pay for them, don't do that." I could tell he was getting angry. I just didn't care.

"You know, you gotta pay for that magazine." I walked towards the cash. All I could feel was pain. Pain and numbness. I took my gun out and pointed it right to the guy's face.

"Oh God, don't shoot," I heard him mutter.

"The money," I whispered. Hell, I didn't even need any money.

"GIVE ME THE MONEY!" I yelled. He opened the cash register and handed me bills. I couldn't have cared less if they were fake bills or not.

"I'm so sick of you punks. Take it and get out of here." I grabbed the money, turned around and ran for the door. I could hear gunshots behind me. I felt a sharp pain in my leg, but I kept on running until I reached the nearest Pay Phone. I could hear sirens in the distance as I dialled the Curtis' number.

"Ya?" I heard on the other end.

"Hello, Darrel?"

"No, it's Steve. Dally?"

"Steve, I wanna talk to Darry."

"Yeah sure."

After a few seconds, I heard a lower voice on the other end. "Hello."

"Hey Darry, listen to me. I just robbed a store man, the cops are looking for me. Can you meet me in the park?"

"Sure Dal. Are you all right?"

"Yeah, Johnny's dead." I wasn't all right at all.

"We know." I could tell by Darry's voice that I sounded as messed up as I felt.

"Look, meet me in the park, will ya?"

"We'll be right there." I slammed the phone and started running again.

I wasn't even running out of breath yet when I turned around to see the first cop car turning the corner. The car's bright lights were illuminating the road. Hadn't a cop's motorcycle also illuminated the road in front of me not long ago? Johnny was alive back then. It was not even an hour ago, but everything was different now. A second cop car joined the other. I continued running as the cars stopped and the policemen got out.

"You'll never get me alive!" I yelled. They never would. They had taken everything from me. The world had taken everything from me, but no one would ever take my freedom because it was something I never had. And now the policemen were going to take my life. Because I was going to make them. I raised my unloaded gun in the air and they fired. I fell to the ground. I could hear voices in the distance. Was the gang there?

"Drop it!"

"It's not loaded, don't!"

"Stop!"

"Not Dally, too!"

"He's just a kid!"

I was just a kid, wasn't I? I realized I was seventeen. Not even an adult yet. I almost laughed. I was never a kid. Life didn't let me. I never had much, but I still lost it all. I lost everything. Even Johnny. The world has a weird way of shaping you. I was never seventeen. I was old. I felt old. For the first time, the shell of indifference I had spent years building fell. It didn't matter anymore. I had tried to be strong for too long, and now I could finally let it go. I could barely feel the ground under me as I started slipping into darkness.

"Pony..." I whispered. I hoped the kid would be okay.

I knew I was dying. I was dying because I wanted to be dead, and I always get what I want.